12/28/10

You take the high road; I'll take the low, and I'll meet you somewhere they don't go.

It's weird to think about how much high school changes things.
At the beginning of high school, Taylor and Josh and I all promised to each other that we would never let anything split us apart. They were my best friends; the only best friends I really had. We were so young and naive then. We were so crazy and stupid then. Life was so simple then. Oh how things change.

Had I told myself at the beginning of freshman year all the things that were going to happen throughout high school, I wouldn't have believed it. Had I felt, at the beginning of freshman year, all the emotions I was going to feel, I wouldn't have understood it. I have discovered so many feelings, bad and good, that I never even knew existed.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to freshman year, when everything was good. It was just me, Josh, Taylor, and Emma, and things were simple. Life was all fun and games. The only drama we had consisted of my daily fights with Taylor, and we got over those extremely quickly. I was never particularly unhappy. Sometimes I'd get a bit stressed, but it was never anything big.
And we all got along. We all loved each other. There was no hate. And it was nice.
But at the same time, I never really felt any great depth of emotion. Emotions never really touched my heart. They'd sweep through my body, shallow, without really having an effect. I was never truly sad, but I was never truly happy, either. And I didn't grow as a person. I was at a standstill, not really moving forward from the person I was in 8th grade.

And then there are the people.
Back then, Taylor and I were best friends.
Back then, Emma was that girl from history who I got started on manga.
Back then, Josh was like a brother to me.
Back then, so many people didn't exist to me who are now so important. Alsatia, Marc, all the guys.... Without them, I don't know who I'd be right now.

Who was I at the beginning of high school? I couldn't tell you. She's a completely different person from who I am now. I vaguely remember that self-conscious, obsessive, pure, naive, hopeful girl. However, she is a distant memory. I've grown up.

I'm not sure I like this whole thing so much. It's so hard sometimes. I feel like there is always something bad going on, and it gets exhausting. I wish I could just escape sometimes.
But then, I remember all the good adventures I've had.
And all the amazing things I've felt.
And the person that these experiences are helping me become.
And I feel a bit better about all of this growing up business.

Life is hard, and it may always be. I personally cannot wait until I can leave this place and get a fresh start. I'm not quite ready yet; I know I still have some growing up to do. But I will treasure my experiences here, good and bad. I know that what I am experiencing right now, throughout high school, is paving the way for a great time at college. I hope that by the time I leave for college, I can be the funny, brave, smart, strong, cheerful, and outgoing person I've always wanted to be. I hope that I can learn from each new experience, and contribute it towards my growth as a person. I hope that I can always be proud of my decisions, and live life with no regrets. I hope I can use the experiences I've had to help and teach other people. Every day, I'm working towards becoming that person.

10/20/10

I'll wait until tomorrow. Maybe you'll feel better then. Maybe we'll be better then.

So what's another day, when I can't bear these nights of thoughts of going on without you?
This mood of yours is temporary. It seems worth the wait to see a smile again. Out of the corner of your eye won't be the only way you're looking at me then.


...I wish that song did not describe how I have been feeling lately so well.

Or, you know, the phrase "Lately the weather has been so bipolar, and consequently so have I."

But the sad thing is, it's not my fault that I've been bipolar recently. How my day is going depends on how his day is going, and most of the time these days they aren't going very well. I wish he could understand how much it affects me when he takes his stress out on me. I always try my best to put on a brave smile, to ignore it as much as possible. I know it's his stress talking more than him. But inside, I feel like I'm crumbling.
And the sad thing is, he isn't even at all aware of how much effort I put into this relationship. I push myself so hard to keep smiling throughout crappy situations. It's very rare that I ever make him own up to his mistakes, and when he hurts me I hide it so that he doesn't have to worry about it. Not just now, but always. In this relationship, I have learned a lot about compromise. I've learned how to take disappointment and rejection and bottle them up and turn them into something positive. And always, always, hide them. I'm always blaming myself for everything. And I kind of feel like even if I could stop blaming myself for a few seconds--consider that maybe possibly it is not all my fault--then that still wouldn't accomplish anything. Half the time if I try to say anything, he just gets irritated. So I put all my strength into hiding it, so that he won't get annoyed at me, and won't look at me with those cold eyes that make me feel like nothing matters. And it's just so DRAINING. Normally I can handle it, since it doesn't happen often and only lasts for a few days, and the good always makes up for the bad. But it's been going on for almost a month now. Good moments have been few and far between. This is the longest I've ever had to hold on my fake smile and swallow my words while inside I am consumed by self-doubt, guilt, and the ever-present feeling of rejection. It's started to make me do crazy things. I get jealous in situations that I normally never would. I've been seeing emotions in other people that aren't really there--like infatuation that doesn't exist. I've been taking my anger and sadness out on poor dear Alsatia, who amazingly has been putting up with me throughout all my bitchiness. But I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. I spend the great majority of my time feeling either empty, stressed, angry, or miserable. And I hide it and hide it and hide it from everyone except Alsatia. But it's always there. I feel like at any minute I could have a breakdown and just start crying or throwing things. I hear people complaining about tiny little faults in their relationships, and it irritates me. I can't help but think "You wouldn't last a month in my shoes." Which makes it all the more irritating that they're complaining, when their relationship is so amazing, and meanwhile here I am fighting every day to stop myself from breaking down. Seeing happy couples, which used to bring me joy, now brings me envy and regret.

But, of course, I don't blame him. It's my fault for feeling rejected over stupid stuff. I'm taking things too seriously and too personally. I should just be able to shrug it off, right? Assure myself that he loves me, and he's just stressed about other stuff. That he thinks I'm a worthwhile person. But every day, it gets harder. Every day, I lose more and more confidence. I wish that his moods and words didn't affect me so much. But that's just not the case. One smile from him can make everything wonderful, and one tactless act can ruin my day. When he's happy, I'm happy, no matter what is going on in my life. And when he's stressed and upset, I'm stressed and upset. I don't know how much longer I can deal with him acting like this, but I also know that I can't deal with even the idea of not having him around. It's an endless cycle; a catch-22. What do you do when the thing you can't live without is the thing that makes you miserable?

Sometimes, things seem to be getting better. He'll have a day where he's happy, and he'll act like he loves me again, and he'll be MY Josh, and not his evil twin. And I'll start building up hope that maybe things will stay like this. Maybe the funk is over, and things can go back to normal. And I can go back to being happy again.
Unfortunately, it never lasts.

8/18/10

Skeleton Song

This song is a perfect embodiment of what happened with me and a certain person this year (they'll know who they are if they read the lyrics), so I decided it would be fun to post it. Skeleton Song by Kate Nash. The cool thing is that it has a chronological sequence of what happened, and the music peaks and mellows out exactly like the crazy stress of my emotions. Listen to it; it's a fun song!

Skeleton, you are my friend
But you are made of bone
And you have got no flesh and blood running through you
To help protect the bone

Skeleton, we have been friends for years
And you have seen me through some trials and tribulations
And some tears
But everybody thinks I'm weird

And I should've known
That it wouldn't be long until you
You've got me standing in an awkward position
With unwanted attention and a need for explanation
And it's not that I'm letting go of you
But I dunno what to do

Skeleton, we are so close
But you have got no body
So why do you insist on wearing clothes?

Skeleton, when we were young, it was easy
Even though the other kids, they would tease me
I was only seven, I had you
But now I'm twenty-two

And now it's different
When I take you out, and you
You've got me standing in an awkward position
With unwanted attention
And a need for explanation
And it's not that I'm letting go of you
But I dunno what to do

And sometimes, at night
I dream of the most terrible things.
I take a hammer and I creep out of bed
And I raise it high
And I smash your head

Fibular and tibular
And ribs and cages too
In fact, while I'm here
I will smash the whole of you
SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH

But, skeleton, you are my friend
And I could never bring your life to an end.
Yes, skeleton, you are
You are my friend
And I will be there for you until the end.

And even though
When I take you out, you've got me
You've got me standing in an awkward position
With unwanted attention and a need for explanation
I could, I could never let you go
And that is all I know.

5/24/10

And we know it's never simple, never easy.

Sometimes, you come to that point where you just have no idea what to do in a situation anymore. And when you reach that point, you kind of just stop caring. That's the point I'm at now. Or at least, I'm trying my best to be.

Recently, Taylor posted a not-so-lovely blog about me. As soon as she found out I read it, she proceeded to delete it. I don't know why. Maybe so I would feel isolated, so that people wouldn't be able to assure me how wrong it was, or that I didn't deserve it. So, seeing as you can't read the blog that this is a response to, you may be confused, but I'll do my best to get the gist of it in here. And no, I'm not posting it as a blog because she did. As revenge or something. I'm posting it because I want the people close to her to understand, and I hate having to explain myself more than once.

So, my basic interpretation of the blog was that I am a failure as a friend, because she puts all the effort in and I never put any effort in, and I always get mad at her and she never gets mad at me, and she always has to apologize and I never admit my mistakes.

Now, I have a lot of problems with this blog, but the first of which is her apparent belief that I never put any effort into our friendship, while she tries so hard. Apparently she does not realize how hard I fought for our friendship. I always stood up for her, no matter what. And it was not easy. It caused a lot of people who would've had no malicious feelings toward me otherwise to dislike me, and got me into my fair share of drama. But I did it anyway, because I cared about her and thought she was worth it. Beside that, I was always standing up for our friendship. You have no idea how often people would ask me why I am friends with her. And I would always say that yes, I know she has flaws, but she has so many redeeming qualities. That even though she does bad things sometimes, she's a good person. I would always be fighting for our friendship. But, apparently, that doesn't mean anything to her.

And yes, we would fight a lot. And generally, I would be the one to instigate it. But people know me, and they know I'm not the type to pick fights for no reason. The only time I ever did was when she hurt my feelings, or when I felt like I was being pushed around. I'm sorry I'm not the type to just roll over and let people boss me around. I'm sorry I like to talk about my feelings instead of bottling them up and letting them ferment into resentment. I was never raised to be a pushover, and I'm not going to let you make me feel guilty that I didn't let you walk all over me.

But you know, all of this, that's nothing compared to the underlying theme of the blog: I am flawed, so that makes me a bad friend.
Taylor mentioned something that I will admit to doing. You see, I have this thing where, once every year or so, I will get irritated with one of my friends. We will then have a huge blowup where our friendship teeters on the edge of a cliff, and it can either fall and shatter or be saved. Usually those times are with Taylor, but once it was Emma. Once a very long time ago, it was Josh. But the thing is, when I do it, I can't help myself. And it's not because I don't love the person they happen with, but rather because I do love them. After what happened to me in sixth grade, it's very hard for me to let anyone in. So I think subconsciously, this is my way of testing people. I don't do it on purpose. It's just kind of a defense mechanism. I need to know and be reassured that even if I show them my bad side, my flawed side, the side that I hide so painstakingly and never let anyone else see, that they will accept me despite it. And I just found out that Taylor is not willing to do that. And I mean, I know that I wasn't the most amazing friend in the world to her. I would do this thing. And I would blow her off because I was tired or I just didn't feel like hanging out. And sometimes I can be a fickle person with weak resolve. And sometimes, yes, I would have a--what is it she always called it--a "holier-than-thou" attitude. And I will admit, these are flaws.

But the thing is, I never once claimed to be perfect. These are my flaws, and I accept them as such. I expected her to do the same, because I was her friend and I was worth it, and I had enough good in me to make up for these flaws. After all, I always accepted Taylor's flaws. I accepted the conceit, and the rudeness, and the way she had the tendency to talk down to people, and her hypocrisy and sometimes unbelievably nonsensical reasoning. The only thing I absolutely would not stand for was deceit, but that is a whole other post. And I accepted all these things and kept being her friend despite them, because I loved her. And I loved how she could be so fun and funny and carefree, and how she was so creative and open, and how she accepted me for who I was. Or at least, I thought she did. But from what her blog said, it appears that she never accepted my flaws after all. They're just a burden to her. I'm not worth maintaining a friendship with, because of my flaws.

And what sucks the most about it, is that I was working on my flaws. I really was trying. When people would tell me things I felt were private, I was working extra hard not to let them slip to anyone else, even if the person didn't mention directly that they were a secret. I almost had a huge blowout with Alsatia, but instead of letting the irritation build I talked to her about it, and we worked it out. The only reason I even went to spend the night at Taylor's house on that day was because I was doing it for her. In all honesty, I was tired and I had no desire to be around people. But I was trying to change, and better myself for her, and so I pushed myself and went even though I didn't really want to. I honestly was working on improving our friendship, improving my flaws. And this is where that got me.

And, I don't know. It just sucks. It sucks when you're friends with someone for seven years, and you think they know you and understand you, and then you find out that actually they don't at all, and never have. And it sucks when your friends change and become this new person that you don't even recognize anymore, and don't love anymore. I wish that I could have the old Taylor back. And I wish that we could have our old relationship back. But it's time to face the sad truth. My Taylor--the one I loved--she's gone. She has been warped by lies and jealousy and outward circumstances, and she is never coming back. And our old relationship is never coming back. We're both walking on eggshells with each other, and you can't build up a strong friendship like that.
To be honest, the thought of losing you terrifies me. It makes me horribly sad. But that's only because giving up on you will mean giving up on the old Taylor. Giving up on getting my best friend back. But she is gone now, and it's time I accept that. I obviously don't want to sever all ties--I still want to be friends and everything. But I honestly don't see how we can be best friends after we've both changed so much and after so much has happened. I will always care about you, and it will be hard. And I don't want to not be friends anymore. I still want you to be my friend. I still want you in my life. But it's just time to face that us as best friends is not going to work out anymore. We've gone on our separate paths and that closeness can never be brought back. And it sucks, and it's sad, but it's true.

PS-Mentioning how your mom doesn't like me? Really? That's kind of a low blow.
PPS-Josh is a big boy, he can think for himself. He would definitely not stop talking to you because of me.

5/20/10

Bright Eyes!

So, ages ago, I declared I would like to do 3 quote entries: Bright Eyes quotes, Dr. Suess quotes, and miscellaneous quotes.
Well, now is the time for Bright Eyes quotes! They are amazing and have a ton of awesome quotes, but these are 20 of my favorites.

  1. "Your eyes must do some raining if you're ever gonna grow."
  2. "Into the caverns of tomorrow with just our flashlights and our love, we must plunge.”
  3. "If life seems absurd, what you need is some laughter."
  4. "It's the ones with the sorest throats who've done the most singing."
  5. “You can try to live in darkness, but you will never shake the light.”
  6. "As we take eye for an eye until no one can see, we must stumble blindly forward, repeating history."
  7. "Nothing in the past or future ever will feel like today."
  8. "The world requires no audience."
  9. "Everything, it must belong somewhere."
  10. "I could go anywhere with you, and I'd probably be happy."
  11. "Gossip's as good as gospel in this town.... You can save face, but you won't ever save your soul."
  12. "How time can move both fast and slow amazes me."
  13. "There's happiness in death."
  14. (to be continued)

5/13/10

Just nod your head if your mind's been changed. Shake it, love, if some hope remains.

On rare occasions, at night, I get this horrible feeling that if I fall asleep, I'll die. And I know that it is completely irrational, and the chances I would just randomly die in my sleep are extremely low. But when this happens, it is a very real and legitimate fear. Even though I can tell myself it's irrational, I honestly and truly feel as though I will die if I fall asleep. I am always really and honestly scared when that happens, and I end up staying awake until I can't any longer just to make sure I won't die.

Well, last night I had that same feeling. Except it wasn't about dying; it was about Josh breaking up with me. I mean, we had just had an amazing time hanging out that night. But I truly and honestly felt like he was going to break up with me the next day. And I was extremely sad and terrified. I know it's illogical, but I honestly thought he would. I couldn't sleep or listen to music or write or do anything but just lay there in bed, paralyzed with fear. Reasons popped up in my head that he would say, like "I realized that I like you better as a best friend" or "I have a lot going on and I don't think I can handle a girlfriend right now". I'm also extremely insecure about whether or not I will be able to do physical things, like kissing and stuff, correctly. So in my mind, he said "I'm sorry. I just kind of wish you were more willing and able to be physically closer to me." And yes, I know all of that stuff is completely ridiculous, and that Josh would never be like that or say that, but at the time I was genuinely afraid that that would happen. I really thought it was going to. It's weird.

And when I get in moods like that, no matter how much I think "There is nothing physically wrong with me, I'm not going to die" or "Josh loves me a lot, he's not going to break up with me", it won't have any effect. I come up with reasons like a concussion or a freak illness, or that he'll just start seeing me in a different light.

Last night, after thinking all that, I had this dream that I was really ugly. At first it was just acne, which is not that big of a deal; I mean, a lot of people have acne and I don't think they're ugly. But then, a doctor told me I had a hormonal imbalance, and I started growing hair on my neck and sideburns and stuff. And then giant bulbous warts started popping up on my neck and face. I remember thinking in the dream that no guy would ever like me again, everyone would alienate me, and I'd lose everything. The dream was fairly realistic, and when I woke up I honestly thought I looked like that at first. I felt my face and was relieved that all those things had not happened.

I mean, I guess it's just my fear of abandonment again. I have never let anyone in like this before. And I have changed a lot this year, and I feel like I'm not as honest and kind and pure as I used to be. I hate that, and I am working toward changing it, and doing a decent job of it. But I dunno, I feel like I have a decrease of good personality traits coupled with a lack of ability to be physical. And I guess it just kind of hit me. And I am legitimately scared that every guy I love, even in the future, will end up leaving me because they'll eventually get sick of my shyness and lack of skill and other things, and I'll just be alone for the rest of my life. And I know it's an irrational fear, but just like those times, I can't shake it.

Wow. I'm actually done early.

How strange. I'm in photography and I actually finished an assignment early. I did not obsess over making everything perfect. I did not worry about my picture being the best I could do, and being the most creative thing in the class, like I usually would. I mean, I certainly put effort into it, but I didn't strive for exact perfection like I usually would.
I can't decide if that's a good thing or bad thing.
I mean, being a perfectionist with my art and creative things is what caused me to get so stressed in art last trimester. I'd take way longer than I should've, trying to make everything just perfect, trying to make everything the best. I would end up obsessing so much on one step that I'd fall behind and have to rush everything else. We all know that that caused me a ridiculous amount of stress. When I got really sick and had a crazy high fever, I wanted to go to school just for art class, because I thought if I missed a day I'd be screwed and would never get my project done. I cried when my mom made me stay home because I had a fever of 101. So many days I came to school sick specifically for art class, just so I could stay caught up.
At the same time, being a perfectionist was a good thing. It always pushed me to do my best. I truly gave every project my all. It helped me grow as an artist. Before I knew it, I started projecting the exact image in my head into real life, and giving it form. This is something very hard to do. And if I had more time to complete them, I know they would've been something I was truly proud of. My linoleum block and prints would've been amazing had I not felt rushed at the end, carved out the wrong part, and not had time to finish all my prints. My frog pot, despite all my doubts and stress and feeling sure it was going to look awful, would've turned out great if I had not had to rush on the paint job and ended up getting the wrong color paint in the wrong places.
Being early is a weird experience to me. I usually think more and try more and take longer than anyone else. It makes me feel like I did something wrong, even though I know that I like my ad, and people thought it was funny, and I put effort into it. But still, it's weird. I even finished my script for my commercial, which is considered "working ahead". Really I suppose I should be working on my math homework....
But, I'll have time in choir and I only have one problem to do and there is a computer here and not in choir. And no one here can help me on that problem anyway, which is what I need to complete it.... Heh.

5/11/10

Why is it that my blogs always have to be about sad things and serious things and stuff like that?

They don't. So now, I am going to do an entry that is not like that! Woooo.
I'm not really sure what I'm going to write about. I just know I'm sick of the sadness.
Because, as a wise ginger once said, being sad is a waste of time.

Something I am beginning to realize is that people leave you behind. They move on with their lives and lose contact with you. Even now, I know that so many awesome people I got close with this year are moving on. They're going on to college and into the real world. And, we probably won't stay in contact. I know that.
However, I'm not terribly upset about this. I mean, I'm sure I'll miss them sometimes. And having to lose people is always a bit sad. But what's important is that we will always be in each other's hearts. I have made so many amazing memories with these people, and had so much fun with them. And I know that even though we are going to split up and take different paths in life, growing farther and farther apart, I will always have those memories. Even when I'm 40 years old and don't talk to any of these people and only think of them in passing, I WILL think of them. When I think sophomore year,
I will think the roof of a parking garage.
I will think Bubble Island.
I will think Jamaican Me Crazy Wednesday.
I will think of the Meijer lounge.
I will think Insomnia Cookies.
I will think Jeremiah's car.
I will think Subway.
I will think Barnes and Noble.
I will think Pinball Pete's.
I will think of that one really extremely cold day where we all sprinted from Lee's van everywhere we went because it was too goddamn cold to be outside for more than 10 seconds.
I will think of the demon spawn of Hailey Van Buren and Dylan, and I will think of the first time Logan and Eddie got Chipotle and told us how amazing it was.
I will think of the first time I saw James smile, really smile, and how it seemed to light up the whole room.
I will think of the day there was an hour wait for laser tag on Gareth's birthday, so we went to the mall instead and sat at the tiny chairs in the food court, talking about how the tables were for Asian people (me and everyone else were on two totally separate pages XD), and getting yelled at by an Asian security guard.
I will think about being in Gamestop and finding out Michael Jackson was dead.
I will think of Alsatia and Jeremiah betting over who would win at Mario Kart, and it suddenly became a battle of the sexes, with all the girls cheering Alsatia on to fight for womankind and all the guys doing the same for Jeremiah (except, you know, with mankind).
I will think of ranting to Logan and Jeremiah after a disastrous shopping trip.
I will think of the first time Eddie looked through my iPod, and his eyes lit up.
I will think of Sir Chester Pinkerton III.
I will think of Logan, Jeremiah, and I rocking out to Motion City Soundtrack and other various music, singing at the top of our lungs.
I will think of the concert on November 13th.
I will think of that day everyone else went to formal and I hung out with Audrey, Gareth, Alsatia, and Josh.
I will think of walking all the way to Logan's house on an extremely zombie-apocalypse-esque night because goddamnit there was something we had to tell him no matter what, and then turning around literally 3 feet before we got to his driveway.
I will think of battles on the playground, chasing Gareth around with a Nerf sword.
I will think of those suspicious condom-pills that Audrey received under suspicious circumstances from a suspicious old woman.
I will think of late night AIM conversations.
I will think of Josh and Logan talking to each other about Paranormal Activity, and how amusing and awesome it was to watch them converse with each other.
I will think of the whole group playing Mario Kart at my house, rocking out to great music and having a blast.

I love all those memories. They are so precious to me, and always will be. The people in them will always be. They'll always be there in my heart, and I know I will always be there in theirs.
And even though I will never have times like that again, and even though we'll lose contact, I know that in the future there will be more new and exciting things to experience, new people to meet, and more fun to be had.

Logan, Jeremiah, Lee, Eddie, Gareth, Audrey, James. I got to spend one year with you guys. One short year. And yet, one amazing, extremely fun, hilarious, eye-opening year. In one year, you guys taught me so much. You showed me so much that I had never experienced before, and never would've without you. I owe you guys so much, but the beauty of it is I know that you guys don't see it that way. You were just being yourselves. So, thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for giving me a glimpse into your world; teaching me the fun that high school was really about. I love you guys, and no matter where we all go, no matter how far apart we become, that will always remain true.

(Hah, this is what happens when I try to do a random entry. It becomes serious anyway. But, this one wasn't sad, so my goal is achieved! :D)

5/9/10

Happy Mother's Day... or something.

It feels weird, you know. It's Mother's Day, and I hate my mother. Thank God she had to work today, because otherwise, it would all feel so insincere. It'd feel like a lie. I could barely even write "I love you" on the card I wrote for her. I had to opt for "I heart you", because I couldn't bring myself to say "I love you" to someone I don't love. When I say things like that, I mean it entirely. And as hard as I tried to dredge up love, I couldn't find it.

...That's right. I made my mom a card. As adamantly as I said I wouldn't, I did. The strange thing is, I don't know why. It's not like my dad forced me to, or like my mom would get really angry with me if I didn't.

I guess I just knew she'd feel upset if she didn't get at least something from one of us. Teddy took off and Kristyn's at school, packing up her stuff. They didn't make any time for her. No phone call, no card.

And as much as my mother hurts me, I don't want to hurt her. As much as she makes me feel like a disappointment, I don't want her to feel disappointed. As much pain as she makes me feel, I don't want her to feel pain. As much as my mother makes me feel rejected, I just want her to feel accepted. And to accept me. As much as I hate my mother and don't want to do anything for her, I want to do everything I can for her. Because she is my mother. And I am me.

And no matter how many times she strikes me with those hateful words, and injects that poison of rejection and self-loathing into my bloodstream, I will always want those things. As many times as we fight, and she says those things, I will forgive her. Not fully forgive her. Not ever. I can never trust her again. I will always be walking on eggshells with her. I will always have my guard up. But, I will keep crawling back and crawling back. As my heart mends I will forgive and forgive. Not forget, but I will forgive.
And I feel like that's stupid. I feel like the more I do this, the more I will get hurt. But I can't stop. It's like the idiot traveler from Fruits Basket. I will keep giving until I have nothing left. I will keep doing my best to please.
I know my efforts will go unappreciated. I know I won't get anything in return. I know that no matter what I do, my mother will still see me as a lazy, selfish, spoiled brat. But... I will always see her as my mom. Neurotic, eccentric, pathetic, short-tempered, prone to taking her problems out on others, and with a total disregard for for any point of view that isn't her own, yes. But still, my mom. The only one I've got. And as much bitterness and resentment and pain that I feel toward my mother, I will always be looking out for her. Because, in the end, that is family.

3/6/10

I could go anywhere with you, and I'd probably be happy.

Providence has been looking out for me this weekend, and for that I am grateful. As everyone knows, I was grounded this weekend. For no reason. But, things are much better than they could be. I have things to be grateful for. It is extremely serendipitous that the weekend that I have to be grounded is this one. Today was setbuilding, so I got to hang out with friends and have stimulating and fun conversation, as well as keep busy. Also, the weather has decided to be beautiful today, so I ended up soaking up the sun rollerblading and listening to music outside, laying in the sun. It was great. And I didn't need a coat to be comfortable; I was perfectly fine with a sweater, which was amazing.

If you look at it, things could've been a lot worse. There could've been no setbuilding, and the weather could've been much worse. That means I would have no contact with friends for 2 entire days, and be cooped up in the house with only my parents for company. Instead I got to have fun and see friends, as well as enjoy some great weather. Really I feel like fate is watching out for me, which is nice.

Of course, that does not mean everything is wonderful. In the end, I discovered that I can be cheerful and smile again. I can laugh and have fun and enjoy others' company. I can have polite conversation with my mother without breaking out in tears. But that doesn't mean everything is better.
Her words still weigh on my heart. They're still there. She said them, and nothing she could say or do could take them back. People tell me that it's just because she was angry at the time, but I honestly do think that is how she feels. There is some grain of truth in every angry statement. And... feeling like a disappointment. Feeling unloved. It hurts a lot. And it's something that sticks with you. The poison has spread through my blood stream, and it's too late to get it out now. I think that it is something that will always stay with me, in the back of my mind, and weigh me down a little bit.
I don't know. Something just seems to have broken. I can't find any love for my mother in my heart. All I can find is bitterness and resentment. No vestiges of fondness remain. And I'm honestly not sure that that will ever change. Now that it's happened, I can't just go back. I can't just forget. That's not how life works.
And that kind of sucks, you know. Thinking you had 2 loving parents, that you loved your family, and then having everything changed. I don't know. I guess I kind of somehow thought that family love was invincible. There is evidence to the contrary all around me, but I thought that if it existed it couldn't be taken away. But in the end, all family is are separate, different people that you happen to live with. And if you can lose love for people, stop loving them, it makes sense that you can lose love for family members. I guess it just never really occured to me until now that that could happen. So it's a big shock. It hurts, and it feels unnatural. But I can't change it. And so, I will learn to live with it.

I have so much love in my life. I have so many friends that will always be there when I need them. I have a guy in my life that I have extremely strong feelings for and who, by some miracle, feels the same about me. I have siblings that I share a bond with, no matter how far away they go or how long they're gone. I have a deep love for all these people, and I receive so much love from all of them in return. For that reason, I can continue to smile. I can continue to laugh. I can continue to be happy. For that reason, I will hold my head high, and I will walk on.

3/5/10

I just... don't have the energy anymore.
For anything.
I can't smile. I can barely hold my head high as I walk. All I want to do is cry and sleep.

It's not even the punishment. One weekend of being unable to hang out with friends, except for setbuilding. It's not that bad. I can handle it.
But it's the fact that there's no reason for me to be punished.
It's the fact that this is exactly the time when I need to be surrounded by friends.
It's the fact that I have to spend so much time in the same house as my mother.

I'm not even angry anymore. So what, my mom decided to punish me for no reason. Got mad over stupid things. I can handle that. I can get over it. What I can't handle is the stuff she said yesterday.

Even before I entered the house, she was yelling. I was scared, so I'd hesitated outside the door. And she said, "Get in here right now or I'll kill you! I'm not going to put up with your shit anymore!"

I didn't even try to speak. I just walked inside. She grabbed my arm roughly and threw me on the couch. She said, "You sit your ass down right there, and don't move!" I went obediently. Stripped of my dignity. Subservient. I sat as still as I could, looking at the floor, trying not to make a sound.

She didn't give me space. She made me look at her as she yelled. She told me I'm a brat. I'm disrespectful. I'm spoiled. I'm lazy. She told me I think I can do whatever I want, go wherever I want, but I can't. I tried to explain my reasoning for all the things I did that day. I didn't think I'd done anything wrong. In my head, it was what had seemed logical. I wasn't trying to disobey or exert my own authority. I left the house that day because I didn't think she wanted people around when she wasn't feeling well.
She wouldn't listen. She called me a liar. Told me to stop making up "fairy tales". Maybe I am a brat. Maybe I am spoiled. Maybe I am lazy. But if there is one thing I'm not, I'm not a liar. I'm not a liar.
I told her that. She didn't believe me. She told me I was causing her a lot of stress and pain. That it was my fault. That wasn't what I meant to do. I was trying to help. But no. All I can do as a child is cause my parents pain.
Eventually, she might have started believing me.
I told her, "Mom, please. I'm not trying to do that. That was just my sense of reasoning!"
"Your sense of reasoning is flawed. You have no common sense. You think you are in charge? You're not. You always lose everything, you have no common sense, and you always do things to go against me. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I raised you wrong."
...She raised me wrong. The sentence no child wants to hear. She raised me wrong. She made a mistake. I'm a disappointment.

Somewhere in there, I started to cry. I couldn't help myself. I tried to hold it in, but I couldn't. I couldn't move, I couldn't think, I could just cry. My mother's words rang through my head, and I sobbed harder. She told me to stop being such a baby. Stop being so overly dramatic. She thought I was trying to make her feel guilty. But, I wasn't. I just couldn't help myself. I just fell to the ground and cried. It was all I could do.
It was all I did. I somehow managed to drag myself to my bed, after awhile. And that's what I did. I lay down in bed, and I cried. Her words were on endless repeat. Her angry screams, the face she made, like I was disgusting. It reeled under my eyes. And it poured out in the form of saltwater. I cried until I fell asleep. And I slept. I could've slept forever. But, at 9, my mom woke me up. Reiterated how I needed to stop being so spoiled and disobedient. Told me that I was not allowed to go anywhere this weekend. See anyone. I could go to setbuilding, but that was it. My dad had somehow reduced the month into a weekend. And I was thankful for that. Before she had started yelling earlier that day, my sentence being reduced to a weekend would've fixed everything. I would've been able to let the whole thing go. But, somehow, it didn't fix everything. It didn't fix anything. She had still said all those things. And once I was awake, they again rang in my ears. The poisonous words spread down into my heart and infected my whole blood stream. I feel bad all over. The poison drains my energy. I try to force on a smile for everyone in school, but I can't.
After she left, I tried to cry some more. Inside, I was screaming. But the tears wouldn't come out. So I just curled up into a tight ball, and waited again for the silence of sleep to take me. I drowned in my negative thoughts. I felt regret for what I had put my friends through. I felt sorrow at being a disappointment. I tried to dredge up some love for my mother, tried to find it somewhere in there. But, I couldn't. Those thoughts haunted me for the next couple of hours, until sleep finally again overtook me. And I slept until the morning.
This morning, I told myself I wouldn't let it get to me. I told myself I'd have a good day. I told myself I'd smile, be cheerful, put the events of yesterday in the back of my mind.
But the trouble is, they aren't just in my mind. They're in my heart. I'm sitting here in the library, close to tears. My emotions are twisting my stomach, and my heart feels like it's trying to beat under big heavy chains. I feel like I'm going to be sick. I'm trying not to think about it. I'm trying not to let it get to me. But it is. And I don't know what I can do to fix it. If I try talking to my mom about it, she'll just yell again. She'll just think I'm trying to make her feel bad, and stress her out. I'll get less time with friends.

Not that my friends will want me around much longer anymore, if I can't shake this off. I realized, somewhere along the line, that I have a deep fear that if I am sad for too long, if I show too much of it, if I can't smile and be cheerful all the time, I'll be abandoned. I've had this fear ever since 6th grade. I don't know why, but I do. I feel so bad that I can't smile, that I can't be happy, that I can't be interesting. I don't want to be a burden. But I am. To everyone.

I... I just don't... know what to do anymore. There's nothing I can do anymore.

2/26/10

Your brain can't keep up with your beak.

I'm doing a blog entry, because I decided the time was ripe for a blog entry.

I love how your blog is titled "Remind me again why I created a blog". You know who you are. XD

Recently I have been reinstating balance into my life. Having friends that do not really like each other, try to avoid each other, and act differently in each other's presence is a little difficult, but I am getting used to it. After all, the weekend IS made up of three days. One day for old friends, one day for new, and one day for me. And although sometimes it's frustrating having friends that don't always get along, I love all my friends dearly and am so grateful to have them that I don't mind having to compromise sometimes. And getting balance back in my life has been really great for me. I have found myself again, and started liking myself again. All the stress, loneliness, self-loathing, and sadness that I'd been feeling recently has been gone for the past few weeks. I have getting the balance back in my life to thank for that. And for a lot of great times with people I love. ^-^

A few weeks ago, I had an epiphany. Several, actually. I feel like this year, I have been discovering a shit ton about myself, the world, and my life. Ah! That's it! 2010 is the year of discovery.
:)

One major discovery I have made is that there are a few people in this world I cannot live without. And, I can make it through anything as long as I have them. And do you know what the great thing is? I have recently realized, that nothing can ever tear us apart. We belong together, all of us. And things may change, and we may have to separate physically, but we will ALWAYS be in each other's hearts and thoughts. We will always love each other and be there for each other. And really, that is all I need to be happy in life.

Of course, even life must come to an end. Everything that lives must die. But I have recently gained a new perspective on death. Suddenly, I've become aware that death is not the ending everyone makes it out to be. It is just the beginning; the start of a new adventure. I used to fear and dread death to a great degree. But now, I don't. Of course, I'm not at all ready for it--I have so much to do, so many people to love who are going to be alive for a long time to come, so many things of this realm I have not experienced. But I also feel that when the time comes that I have to be taken from this Earth, my spirit's journey will not be over. I do not know what will happen to it. Maybe there is God, maybe it will be reincarnated, maybe it will wander. But there are countless adventures awaiting me after death.

And another thing. Love... love is really powerful. Love is really all you need. No matter what happens in the future, as long as my life is filled with love, I will be able to find happiness. Some days may be darker than others, and sometimes I may have to dig to find it. But as long as I am with people I love, it can be found. Especially if I am with the one person I love most.

Believe it or not, I have made even more discoveries than that. However, those are really the only ones I feel like writing about right now, so there you go.

Today, Taylor, Josh, and I hung out at Taylor's house. It was so nice; a feeling of contentment and peace stole over me while I was with them. We watched old videos, and it was very nostalgic.... We were all so little. I think Taylor and Josh were more different than me, compared to now. Josh was the most different, of course. Haha.
At one point, I was laying down in her bed, and I found myself suddenly quite sleepy. I cuddled up and started to just listen, eyes closed. And I realized that I find the sound of their voices extremely comforting. The tones and nuances of their speech were like a lullaby, and hearing their voices brought to me a great sense of security and happiness. I probably could've slept right there, had I not found the conversation so interesting. The time went by too fast, and I found I was shocked when I looked at the clock and it read that it was already 10.
It's not like we did anything particularly exciting. We watched old videos, read scripts, and talked. But somehow, that was enough. Without any effort, it somehow made itself equal to the great times I've had running around, out and about, doing exciting things and trying new experiences.
Although I will admit, that night with the aliens, fingercuffs, and parking garage will always be a very tough one to beat. XD

It's 1:23 am, make a wish. I wish for a pony!

I just want everyone who reads this to know that I love them. I have been feeling so grateful for my friends lately. I have such a large list of people who are there for me, people I love, people I have so much fun with. I am so, so blessed to have this. And I want everyone to know that I realize this. And I appreciate them.

To all the new friends I have made, or become much closer to this year: Alsatia, Marcus, Huei Ming, Micaela, Gareth, Audrey, Jeremiah, James, Logan, Eddie Dean.... I am so grateful that all these people have come into my life. We may not have known each other long, but I know that they have changed my life for the better. It is strange that these people have only been in my life for about a year, because I love them all so much. I didn't know what I was missing, but it was a lot. Providence was looking out for me when it brought them into my life. Each of these people have left their mark on my heart and I know I will never forget them.

To the friends who have stuck around with me a couple years: Emma, Kayla Martin, Lee.... I love all of you guys. We may have our occasional problems, but I know that if I really need something I can count on any one of you. I've been through a lot with all of you. Getting to know all of you was such a great adventure, and I know that there has been some point with each one of you that I opened myself up to you entirely, and you opened your hidden selves up to me. I have a lot of great memories with you guys, and I hope that we will get to keep building more and piling them on. The memories we've made will always hold a special place in my heart. Thank you so much for everything.

And then, there are those people who have been with me through the sweet simplicity of elementary school, the awkward stages of growth that middle school encompass, and the sprouting of wings called high school: Taylor and Josh. They have been with me through so much. I don't think I can really express my love for them, or how much they mean to me. Since 3rd grade, I have had memories with these guys. And there were times when we all drifted apart from each other and didn't really talk that much for long periods of time; entire years, even. But somehow, we became us. We have had so many memories together, good and bad, horrible and amazing. We've seen each other grow and mature so much that it is unbelievable. We've been with each other through the awkwardness that is puberty, watching each other spring from a child's body into an adult's. We have been with each other through phases of extreme craziness and weirdness. We all have experienced extremely embarassing stuff together, and have opened ourselves up to each other entirely. When it comes down to it, I trust them with my life. These guys witnessed me at my lowest, those hard years of depression. In the same manner, they have seen me at the best times in my life. They are responsible for the vast majority of them. Without these kids, I have no idea where I would be right now. They helped me learn to love myself again, learn to trust others again, been there for me when no one else seemed to be, took a spirit still mending from a shatter and making it whole again. What's great is that they didn't even know that they did it. They were just being themselves. We are always making each other better people; we always love each other and help each other love ourselves; we are always there for each other. I have countless memories and joyful times with these guys, and we are always building more together. I love them so much, and they are such amazing people. Honestly, I could probably go on for hours, but I'll spare you by ending it here.

...Hmm. That truly was not a premeditated thing, it just kind of happened. But I'm glad I did it. I mean every word of it, you guys. I cannot exrpress the gratitude that I have all of you guys in my life in words, and this attempt is a mere shadow of how I feel about all of you.

...Well, I need to go to bed now.

Ja ne.

2/4/10

So...

Today, I was doing my quote list.
And I realized that there are so many good quotes by specific groups/people, that I want to put them in more than one entry.
And so, here is what I am going to do:
-Bright Eyes quotes entry
-Dr Seuss quotes entry
-Fruits Basket quotes entry
-Miscellaneous quotes entry

So, I will be starting that sometime soon. But, it's 5:07 and I have to get ready for play practice now.

Ja ne.

1/26/10

What the Hell, Rachel's doing a blog entry?

...Hey, that actually leads really nicely into the blog I'm posting.

Basically, there are things that bother me. There are things that upset me. There are things I think are ridiculous. But nothing is as bothersome, upsetting, and ridiculous as being told that I'm going to Hell because I'm not sure if I believe in God.
(I have so many thoughts on this, that I should probably organize them first, but I don't feel like putting that much effort into a blog.)

Several times in my life, I have been told in one way or another that I am going to Hell due to my inability to believe in God. People that I love dearly, even, think that I am going to be subjected to eternal damnation and suffering, just because I don't believe in God. (No, precious ginger, I'm not talking about you.)

Last year, I was told by 2 people that I was going to Hell due to my lack of belief. Directly. No beating around the bush, edging around the subject, I was just told that.
As soon as I was out of their sight, I started crying. I cried as I walked home, I cried when I got home. One of those people has apologized, and said that she doesn't think that anymore. Another hasn't, and still thinks I'm going to Hell.

Ever since I started doubting my beliefs in God, Hell was one of my major fears. Thinking about it would strike me with intense fear. When I thought about it, I'd feel like crying. I was so scared of death because I didn't want to go to Hell. Well, now I don't worry about it so much. I truly think that if God is as righteous as everyone says He is, He would not send me to eternal suffering for something I have no control over. However, it still hurts me a lot when people tell me I'm going to Hell. Simply because they can just callously, coldly tell me that and not care. "So guess what, Rachel, you thought I cared about you but I actually think that your soul is cursed and destined to writhe in agony forever. Have fun."
...Basically, when people tell me that, I feel as though they don't care about me.

So who are the people who tell me I'm going to Hell? Conservative, stuffy, holier-than-thou Christians. Not all Christians, just the prick ones. It doesn't matter how nice you are. Telling someone they're going to Hell is mean. Trying to decide someone's fate, and deciding that it will be negative, and then letting those people know, is horrible. It's a horrible, disgusting, awful thing to do.

What's funny is that most of these people have never even read the Bible. There they go, preaching their twisted faith like it's fact, when they have not even actually read the book from whence their beliefs came. It's utter ignorance and hipocrisy. You're telling me that I'm eternally damned because of my lack of a relationship in God, when you haven't even read his teachings. That makes total sense.... Oh wait, no it doesn't.

Also, what makes you, a pathetic human, think you have the right to decide what happens to me after I die? You don't know. You have no more idea of what will happen in the afterlife than I do. You have faith in something, and that's all it is. Faith. There is no scientific fact proving that God exists, or that Hell exists, or that that is where people without faith in God go. It's not a fact, don't talk to me like it is. Especially since the thing you're preaching is so cruel and twisted. It's YOUR belief, and YOU have no right to decide what's going to happen to me when I die. You're not me. And more than that, you're not GOD.

People who say that don't even realize that they're playing God when they say it. By trying to tell me what happens to me after I die, you are playing God. You are saying that much more powerful forces than you... science, nature, fate, karma, even God himself... don't have the right to decide my fate, because you already know it. You already know I'm setting myself up for eternal damnation. You know that, huh? Wow.
But you can NOT make that decision. Only God Himself can. And if God really is this great, glorious, praise-worthy entity, He will NOT send good people to Hell due to a lack of faith. He simply won't. And I don't think He appreciates you taking it upon yourself to make that decision for him. It is NOT your choice, or your decision to make, what will happen to me after I die. It's God's, according to you, and yet you're trying to take that power away from Him.

These people, they're fear-mongering. "Believe what I tell you, or else suffer a fate worse than death." Sure, what they preach sounds wonderful. But what Stalin and Hitler preached also sounded wonderful. And if people didn't believe that, oh, everything was just jolly as people starved in the Soviet Union and Hitler killed all the Jews, they were punished. And, okay, maybe religion isn't starving anyone or doing horrible things, but in essence they are using fear to get people to believe what they want to believe. Which is the same thing that the fascist dictators of the world do.

Even putting all those things aside, what Christian people don't seem to understand is that you can't FORCE yourself to have a relationship with God. Believe me, I've tried. But even when I was little, it didn't really connect. Even then, when I would say a prayer or talk about God, it felt like I was playing pretend. As I got a little bit older, it was just me doing what my parents wanted me to do, believing what they wanted me to believe. But I never really believed. And no matter how I try, I can't force myself to. I can't force a relationship with God. Even if I were to come to school tomorrow, telling everyone how amazing and wonderful God was, saying I was Christian and that I believed in God, it would just be a lie. A facade. And we all know I can't lie.
I WANT to believe in God. Really, I do. But I just can't. I can't force myself to. I can't fully put faith in Him. That is something you have to understand. And God won't punish me for what I can't help.

Well, there's nothing really more I want to say at the moment, so that's pretty much it.

1/12/10

There's a switch that gets hit, and it all stops making sense.

A blog about cutting. Because everyone else is doing it.

Definitely, my thoughts are apathetic on cutting. I have nothing to do with it, and it has nothing to do with me.
I don't hate it, or even dislike it. But I obviously don't like it either. Honestly, I always tend to see past the cutting to the emotions behind it. For some reason I can't really see the two as linked.

Also, I can't relate to cutting at all. I can hear the things that people say about it, and I'll understand logically, but I won't understand emotionally. I honestly can't relate at all to cutting. Even when I was at my lowest point, when I was super depressed, cutting never even crossed my mind. Dying crossed my mind; suicide crossed my mind.... I never considered it, but I thought about it. I never even THOUGHT about cutting. And in that way as well, I can't relate to the desire to cut. In my head, I can think, "Yeah, it's like a drug. Once you do it it's hard to stop. It helps people feel like they're in control. People want to do it to help themselves feel better." But emotionally, I cannot understand cutting. I cannot relate to it in the slightest.

Now, that's not to say I judge people who cut. I truly don't. Although I can't emotionally relate to it, my logical brain tells me that it's a very hard thing to go through. My logical brain can understand why people do it. I understand cutting, it's just on a very shallow level. So I would never judge someone for it. Then again, I never judge people for anything, unless they're mean, or they're intentionally hurting others. But still.

When I hear about people cutting, it neither shocks me or causes me to pity them. Really, it barely causes me any concern. People cope with things in different ways. If that is one way to cope, then whatever. It's whatever. Would I do it? No. Should people do it? No, probably not, because it can hurt others. But do I honestly care when people cut? Not really. It's like writing in a journal. It's a way to cope. And as long as you're being safe and sterile about it, it's whatever. Would I frown upon someone for crying? No. Just because it involves bloodletting, suddenly it becomes this awful taboo thing. To me it is the same as crying. In fact, crying tugs my heartsrtings a little more because I can relate to it.
...However, it CAN hurt others around you. And that is the worst part of cutting. The only part that would really make me say "People should not cut". The fact that it hurts other people. Also, the fact that it can end up just causing more emotional problems for the people who do it. If not for that, I honestly would not mind cutting in the slightest. I don't see it as something to feel bad about, or something really awful. But I would not to it myself, simply because I prefer other methods of coping with problems. And because I can't see cutting helping me feel better.

If you cut every night, I would tell you to get help. However, if you cried every night, I would also tell you to get help. Because I don't see the blood and the shame all that. I see that the emotions involved are something you cannot handle on your own, just as emotions where you cry every night are things you can't handle on your own.

And so, those are my views on cutting. Are they cold, callous, and offensive? Probably. But you know... it's whatever.

Ja ne. :]

1/6/10

Once upon a time...

...I said I would like to someday do a blog of my favorite song quotes. That time is now.
I'm in school right now, so I don't have my iPod, so I will definitely be editing this later (and probably as time goes on and on, and I find more quotes I like). In other words, this is the ever-changing blog entry of awesomeness. Haha. But it will pretty much be all quotes. Not necessarily all song quotes, but all quotes. All these quotes are fairly general that can apply to everyone's life in some way, and many of them are quotes that give me inspiration and help me make it through the day.

And so, let's begin....

  1. "Nothing in the past or future ever will feel like today." -Bright Eyes
  2. "The night is darkest just before the dawn." -The Dark Knight
  3. "If you lose yourself in worries, you waste the 'now'". -Fruits Basket
  4. "If the world could remain within a frame like a painting on a wall, I think we'd see the beauty then, and stand staring in awe at our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges. Like a story told by the fault lines and the soil." -Bright Eyes
  5. "Your eyes must do some raining if you're ever gonna grow." -Bright Eyes
  6. "I'll fight like Hell to hide that I'm giving up." -Bright Eyes
  7. "Pray for love on other planets; we can't be the only ones who have it." -Say Anything
  8. "Into the caverns of tomorrow with just our flashlights and our love, we must plunge." -Bright Eyes
  9. "Happiness is only real when shared." -Into the Wild
  10. "Into the ear of every anarchist that sleeps but doesn't dream, we must sing." -Bright Eyes
  11. "Did you know that the wind, when it blows... it is older than Rome, and our joy and our sorrow." -Bright Eyes
  12. "Just as there is despair in this world, there are people who will hold out their hand to you." -Fruits Basket
  13. "All you give is returned." -Bright Eyes
  14. "I'm telling you, duckie, you're really quite lucky. Some people are much more, oh ever so much more, so muchly much much more unlucky than you." -Dr. Seuss
  15. "We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call 'misdirected rage'. I believe the technical term is being an ass." -Fruits Basket
  16. "There's more to this world than darkness. It isn't only black." -Fruits Basket
  17. "If life seems absurd, what you need is some laughter." -Bright Eyes
  18. "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -Dr Seuss
  19. "A man’s true strength is found in the friends that support him." -Fruits Basket
  20. "Take the fruit from the tree; break the skin with your teeth. Is it bitter or sweet? All depends on the timing." -Bright Eyes
  21. “How did it get so late so soon? It's night before its afternoon. December is here before it's June. My goodness how the time has flewn." -Dr Seuss
  22. "It's the ones with the sorest throats who've done the most singing." -Bright Eyes
  23. “Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.” -Dr Seuss

1/5/10

As for those things that act as markers in your life, but in between, you can't remember....

Hi.

So right now, what I really should be doing is an article for my history newspaper.
Instead, I'm blogging. (I finished one article already during this hour; now I only need to do 2 more and it should be fairly simple. Plus, I'll probably be finished blogging in enough time to finish another before the hour is out.)

You know, I really do agree with Lee. I don't like to write if it doesn't have a purpose, unless I'm in that kind of mood, which is rare.
And when I do get in that kind of mood, it's usually only because I want something to do while I'm listening to music, and I do it in my paper journal.
However, there is no music here....
(Haha. That is kind of unintentionally deep.)
But alas. This will be purposeless writing.
And also, I can understand why you'd want to blog about what happened in your life every day. Because I know that I often forget days. Even with events I'm sure I'll remember at the time they happen, the details end up getting so fuzzy that I hardly remember them.
"As for those things that act as markers in your life, but in between, you can't remember...."

My paper journal is almost all the way used up. I have had it for 4 and a half years now, so it is pretty impressive. I only have a little tiny bit left; enough for maybe another half a year if I don't write too often. But I love it. I hope I can find another journal just like it: extremely thick, hardcover, ring binding so that it's easy to turn half of it over to write. Thin-lined paper where the lines only leave space for small writing. I like it. Haha, I will have a tough time finding a journal that matches all those criteria. But I shall try!

I really want to go shopping. I have already overused my supply of winter clothes, and there is still a good solid 2 months of winter left. All my cute clothes are warm-weather clothes, and I can't wear them because this school is so extremely cold all the time. It's a little ridiculous. We need to like... get a new heating system. If only our school wasn't poor....

So, there is a new kid in my English class. As DJ so eloquently put it, "We actually have a real black kid now!" Haha. Ohh goodness. XD There is also a new foreign in my art class. He is fairly adorable (when I say that I mean puppy adorable, not hot adorable), and seems like a nice kid.
There's also a new girl, apparently! I haven't seen her yet but here is what I have heard about her: she's smokin', she's pretty nice, she has auburn hair, she seems stuck up, she is very mean and confrontational and already got suspended.
Haha. "There's rumors going 'round about the new kid, and everybody's talking til their blue! But either way, it's something new; either way at least it's something new...."

What is it with me and relating everything to song today? 0_0

Speaking of singing, I love the new song we're doing for the Masterworks concert. It's called Untraveled Worlds. The accompaniment is freakin' amazing, and the song sounds really cool and I much enjoy singing it. However, it's also very challenging because it's in 6/4 time and it's really really fast. Also, we sopranos definitely have to get wayyyyy up into our high range! However with all the choirs singing together it should sound amazing, so I am excited for that.
Also, I will get to sing with Sarah! She's a second so we may even be able to stand by each other! Exciting day! :D

Ew. I hate winter. It's gone on long enough.

Anyway, I suppose I shall go try and finish another article before the end of class.

Ja ne!

1/1/10

The drinks were consumed; the plants were destroyed, and the hors d'ouvres dismantled.

I hate 2010 already.

December fucking sucked. I thought that maybe, just maybe, this year could be a fresh start. A time for putting the past behind me and moving on.

I was wrong. I feel like things just keep piling on and piling on....

I don't know why, but I feel so... incomplete. It's like Emma said.... I miss it.
I don't even know what I miss, but I miss it.
Peace? Feeling like my heart is filled up to the brim with love, but still getting more poured in it anyway? Feeling content? One day without any drama to speak of?

2009 was a year of change. Definitely.

And I can see what 2010 will be.
A year of missing others.

I don't know why, but it struck me so hard right now.
I miss people. I'm so.... Somehow, I'm okay with leaving others. Moving on isn't the right word, something more temporary is. I'm okay with temporarily drifting away. Doing my own thing and changing my own life for awhile; coming back to them a better person.
But... I get so sad when the people I leave behind don't stay the same.
I want to leave them where they are, unmoving and unchanging. Always loving me. Being able to get right back in to that close bond that we always had.
Life isn't like that.

It's my sister. My sister, who would always go back to college.... Spend time with her friends there... but never really forget about her life here. She would always come back wanting to spend time with me. Even when I was running around with my friends, gone all the time, she would still want me around. We would make time for each other. She would request that I spend time with her, she would tell me things. I would tell her things. We were so close.
Somehow, I felt as though I could do my own thing, choose my friends, as long as she didn't. I don't know what I expected. When she used to come home for breaks, we would always get close again. Have that time for us.
Not this year.
This year, we both had our own things to do, barely talking to each other, barely touching each other's lives. She would go off with HER friends. I had to be the one to try to spend time with her. And I stepped up to the plate. I tried. I asked if she could spend some time with me.
But it never happened. She never opened up. I have no idea who she is anymore, where her life is going, how her life is now. She showed no interest in the things I tried telling her about my life. We used to be so close... and it's so hard. To realize this. I guess what really did it, is that she and Teddy went to the same New Year's Party with her friends. I get it, it's a college party, you don't want your 16-year-old sister running around there. But still. After I try so hard to reconnect with her, she can't make time for me, but she can of course make time for my much cooler brother. It sucks.
And her friends treat me like... how people who don't like animals treat their friends' pets.
Her friends came over for a bit before they left for the party. Just a couple of her college friends.
I was in the bathroom, straightening my hair. I guess her friend needed to get ready a little bit more too. Her friend came into the bathroom. I smiled in a friendly manner, apologetic even for using up the bathroom. She didn't smile. She grimaced.
Grimaced in disgust. The look on her face. It just made me feel like a bug on the bottom of her shoe.
And then she said, "Oh."
I never knew how condescending one syllable could sound until that moment.
"Oh. I need this when you're done."
No excuse me.... Nothing to show that she even thought I had any trace of emotion, or deserved any of her time. Deserved to be breathing her air, taking up her space.
And my sister doesn't care. She doesn't care about me anymore.

And then there's my friends. I used to have such a close connection with all of them; used to love them with all my heart, and they loved me with all of theirs. My life was so filled with love; we were all so closely bonded.
Now, I only have that with 2 people. 2 people who I can honestly say I feel entirely close to, that I want to share everything with, that I will always want around, that I love with all my heart, and that love me back with all of theirs.
And 2, theoretically, should be enough for anyone. 2 is so much more than so many people in this world. But I'm used to so much more. And once you get used to so much love, it's hard to lose so much of it.

To top it all off, I will be losing one of those people temporarily at 2 points in this year.
Joshua. One of the only people I have left. But he's so busy.
And he's going away over Spring Break. I'll have so much free time, but none of it to spend with him.
And then summer, he's leaving for Blue Lake. For quite a while. Longer than Spring Break. And that will be hard.
Throughout those times, I will only have one person.

Alsatia, I am so grateful that I have you. You're what makes me know that I will be able to make it through these absences without constantly being plagued by tears and loneliness. I love you so much for that.
Marc, it's also a great comfort that you will be here. You and I are getting closer and closer all the time, and I'm so grateful for that. And I know that you'll be here to listen to me complain and whine, and you'll be there to help me get my mind off it. You'll be there to make me laugh and pass the time. Thank you for that.

...Wow. I feel quite a bit better now. I will have you guys.... Really, there's so much to be grateful for right there.
The guy I love, the only person I want to be with, feels the same way about me. That's a blessing in itself.
It will be hard sometimes, but I will make it through this.

This must be it. Welcome to the new year.



[Note: Yes, I left a few people out who probably think they deserve to be counted among the number I listed above. But, you're not up there. If you think about it, I'm sure you'll be able to realize the reason on your own. And you know it's nothing personal, that I still love you guys, but it's not the same thing as what I have with those mentioned. And I'm not trying to start drama; in fact, I'm sick to death of drama. So please don't make this a bigger deal than it needs to be.]