And we know it's never simple, never easy.

Sometimes, you come to that point where you just have no idea what to do in a situation anymore. And when you reach that point, you kind of just stop caring. That's the point I'm at now. Or at least, I'm trying my best to be.

Recently, Taylor posted a not-so-lovely blog about me. As soon as she found out I read it, she proceeded to delete it. I don't know why. Maybe so I would feel isolated, so that people wouldn't be able to assure me how wrong it was, or that I didn't deserve it. So, seeing as you can't read the blog that this is a response to, you may be confused, but I'll do my best to get the gist of it in here. And no, I'm not posting it as a blog because she did. As revenge or something. I'm posting it because I want the people close to her to understand, and I hate having to explain myself more than once.

So, my basic interpretation of the blog was that I am a failure as a friend, because she puts all the effort in and I never put any effort in, and I always get mad at her and she never gets mad at me, and she always has to apologize and I never admit my mistakes.

Now, I have a lot of problems with this blog, but the first of which is her apparent belief that I never put any effort into our friendship, while she tries so hard. Apparently she does not realize how hard I fought for our friendship. I always stood up for her, no matter what. And it was not easy. It caused a lot of people who would've had no malicious feelings toward me otherwise to dislike me, and got me into my fair share of drama. But I did it anyway, because I cared about her and thought she was worth it. Beside that, I was always standing up for our friendship. You have no idea how often people would ask me why I am friends with her. And I would always say that yes, I know she has flaws, but she has so many redeeming qualities. That even though she does bad things sometimes, she's a good person. I would always be fighting for our friendship. But, apparently, that doesn't mean anything to her.

And yes, we would fight a lot. And generally, I would be the one to instigate it. But people know me, and they know I'm not the type to pick fights for no reason. The only time I ever did was when she hurt my feelings, or when I felt like I was being pushed around. I'm sorry I'm not the type to just roll over and let people boss me around. I'm sorry I like to talk about my feelings instead of bottling them up and letting them ferment into resentment. I was never raised to be a pushover, and I'm not going to let you make me feel guilty that I didn't let you walk all over me.

But you know, all of this, that's nothing compared to the underlying theme of the blog: I am flawed, so that makes me a bad friend.
Taylor mentioned something that I will admit to doing. You see, I have this thing where, once every year or so, I will get irritated with one of my friends. We will then have a huge blowup where our friendship teeters on the edge of a cliff, and it can either fall and shatter or be saved. Usually those times are with Taylor, but once it was Emma. Once a very long time ago, it was Josh. But the thing is, when I do it, I can't help myself. And it's not because I don't love the person they happen with, but rather because I do love them. After what happened to me in sixth grade, it's very hard for me to let anyone in. So I think subconsciously, this is my way of testing people. I don't do it on purpose. It's just kind of a defense mechanism. I need to know and be reassured that even if I show them my bad side, my flawed side, the side that I hide so painstakingly and never let anyone else see, that they will accept me despite it. And I just found out that Taylor is not willing to do that. And I mean, I know that I wasn't the most amazing friend in the world to her. I would do this thing. And I would blow her off because I was tired or I just didn't feel like hanging out. And sometimes I can be a fickle person with weak resolve. And sometimes, yes, I would have a--what is it she always called it--a "holier-than-thou" attitude. And I will admit, these are flaws.

But the thing is, I never once claimed to be perfect. These are my flaws, and I accept them as such. I expected her to do the same, because I was her friend and I was worth it, and I had enough good in me to make up for these flaws. After all, I always accepted Taylor's flaws. I accepted the conceit, and the rudeness, and the way she had the tendency to talk down to people, and her hypocrisy and sometimes unbelievably nonsensical reasoning. The only thing I absolutely would not stand for was deceit, but that is a whole other post. And I accepted all these things and kept being her friend despite them, because I loved her. And I loved how she could be so fun and funny and carefree, and how she was so creative and open, and how she accepted me for who I was. Or at least, I thought she did. But from what her blog said, it appears that she never accepted my flaws after all. They're just a burden to her. I'm not worth maintaining a friendship with, because of my flaws.

And what sucks the most about it, is that I was working on my flaws. I really was trying. When people would tell me things I felt were private, I was working extra hard not to let them slip to anyone else, even if the person didn't mention directly that they were a secret. I almost had a huge blowout with Alsatia, but instead of letting the irritation build I talked to her about it, and we worked it out. The only reason I even went to spend the night at Taylor's house on that day was because I was doing it for her. In all honesty, I was tired and I had no desire to be around people. But I was trying to change, and better myself for her, and so I pushed myself and went even though I didn't really want to. I honestly was working on improving our friendship, improving my flaws. And this is where that got me.

And, I don't know. It just sucks. It sucks when you're friends with someone for seven years, and you think they know you and understand you, and then you find out that actually they don't at all, and never have. And it sucks when your friends change and become this new person that you don't even recognize anymore, and don't love anymore. I wish that I could have the old Taylor back. And I wish that we could have our old relationship back. But it's time to face the sad truth. My Taylor--the one I loved--she's gone. She has been warped by lies and jealousy and outward circumstances, and she is never coming back. And our old relationship is never coming back. We're both walking on eggshells with each other, and you can't build up a strong friendship like that.
To be honest, the thought of losing you terrifies me. It makes me horribly sad. But that's only because giving up on you will mean giving up on the old Taylor. Giving up on getting my best friend back. But she is gone now, and it's time I accept that. I obviously don't want to sever all ties--I still want to be friends and everything. But I honestly don't see how we can be best friends after we've both changed so much and after so much has happened. I will always care about you, and it will be hard. And I don't want to not be friends anymore. I still want you to be my friend. I still want you in my life. But it's just time to face that us as best friends is not going to work out anymore. We've gone on our separate paths and that closeness can never be brought back. And it sucks, and it's sad, but it's true.

PS-Mentioning how your mom doesn't like me? Really? That's kind of a low blow.
PPS-Josh is a big boy, he can think for himself. He would definitely not stop talking to you because of me.