The drinks were consumed; the plants were destroyed, and the hors d'ouvres dismantled.

I hate 2010 already.

December fucking sucked. I thought that maybe, just maybe, this year could be a fresh start. A time for putting the past behind me and moving on.

I was wrong. I feel like things just keep piling on and piling on....

I don't know why, but I feel so... incomplete. It's like Emma said.... I miss it.
I don't even know what I miss, but I miss it.
Peace? Feeling like my heart is filled up to the brim with love, but still getting more poured in it anyway? Feeling content? One day without any drama to speak of?

2009 was a year of change. Definitely.

And I can see what 2010 will be.
A year of missing others.

I don't know why, but it struck me so hard right now.
I miss people. I'm so.... Somehow, I'm okay with leaving others. Moving on isn't the right word, something more temporary is. I'm okay with temporarily drifting away. Doing my own thing and changing my own life for awhile; coming back to them a better person.
But... I get so sad when the people I leave behind don't stay the same.
I want to leave them where they are, unmoving and unchanging. Always loving me. Being able to get right back in to that close bond that we always had.
Life isn't like that.

It's my sister. My sister, who would always go back to college.... Spend time with her friends there... but never really forget about her life here. She would always come back wanting to spend time with me. Even when I was running around with my friends, gone all the time, she would still want me around. We would make time for each other. She would request that I spend time with her, she would tell me things. I would tell her things. We were so close.
Somehow, I felt as though I could do my own thing, choose my friends, as long as she didn't. I don't know what I expected. When she used to come home for breaks, we would always get close again. Have that time for us.
Not this year.
This year, we both had our own things to do, barely talking to each other, barely touching each other's lives. She would go off with HER friends. I had to be the one to try to spend time with her. And I stepped up to the plate. I tried. I asked if she could spend some time with me.
But it never happened. She never opened up. I have no idea who she is anymore, where her life is going, how her life is now. She showed no interest in the things I tried telling her about my life. We used to be so close... and it's so hard. To realize this. I guess what really did it, is that she and Teddy went to the same New Year's Party with her friends. I get it, it's a college party, you don't want your 16-year-old sister running around there. But still. After I try so hard to reconnect with her, she can't make time for me, but she can of course make time for my much cooler brother. It sucks.
And her friends treat me like... how people who don't like animals treat their friends' pets.
Her friends came over for a bit before they left for the party. Just a couple of her college friends.
I was in the bathroom, straightening my hair. I guess her friend needed to get ready a little bit more too. Her friend came into the bathroom. I smiled in a friendly manner, apologetic even for using up the bathroom. She didn't smile. She grimaced.
Grimaced in disgust. The look on her face. It just made me feel like a bug on the bottom of her shoe.
And then she said, "Oh."
I never knew how condescending one syllable could sound until that moment.
"Oh. I need this when you're done."
No excuse me.... Nothing to show that she even thought I had any trace of emotion, or deserved any of her time. Deserved to be breathing her air, taking up her space.
And my sister doesn't care. She doesn't care about me anymore.

And then there's my friends. I used to have such a close connection with all of them; used to love them with all my heart, and they loved me with all of theirs. My life was so filled with love; we were all so closely bonded.
Now, I only have that with 2 people. 2 people who I can honestly say I feel entirely close to, that I want to share everything with, that I will always want around, that I love with all my heart, and that love me back with all of theirs.
And 2, theoretically, should be enough for anyone. 2 is so much more than so many people in this world. But I'm used to so much more. And once you get used to so much love, it's hard to lose so much of it.

To top it all off, I will be losing one of those people temporarily at 2 points in this year.
Joshua. One of the only people I have left. But he's so busy.
And he's going away over Spring Break. I'll have so much free time, but none of it to spend with him.
And then summer, he's leaving for Blue Lake. For quite a while. Longer than Spring Break. And that will be hard.
Throughout those times, I will only have one person.

Alsatia, I am so grateful that I have you. You're what makes me know that I will be able to make it through these absences without constantly being plagued by tears and loneliness. I love you so much for that.
Marc, it's also a great comfort that you will be here. You and I are getting closer and closer all the time, and I'm so grateful for that. And I know that you'll be here to listen to me complain and whine, and you'll be there to help me get my mind off it. You'll be there to make me laugh and pass the time. Thank you for that.

...Wow. I feel quite a bit better now. I will have you guys.... Really, there's so much to be grateful for right there.
The guy I love, the only person I want to be with, feels the same way about me. That's a blessing in itself.
It will be hard sometimes, but I will make it through this.

This must be it. Welcome to the new year.



[Note: Yes, I left a few people out who probably think they deserve to be counted among the number I listed above. But, you're not up there. If you think about it, I'm sure you'll be able to realize the reason on your own. And you know it's nothing personal, that I still love you guys, but it's not the same thing as what I have with those mentioned. And I'm not trying to start drama; in fact, I'm sick to death of drama. So please don't make this a bigger deal than it needs to be.]