Just nod your head if your mind's been changed. Shake it, love, if some hope remains.

On rare occasions, at night, I get this horrible feeling that if I fall asleep, I'll die. And I know that it is completely irrational, and the chances I would just randomly die in my sleep are extremely low. But when this happens, it is a very real and legitimate fear. Even though I can tell myself it's irrational, I honestly and truly feel as though I will die if I fall asleep. I am always really and honestly scared when that happens, and I end up staying awake until I can't any longer just to make sure I won't die.

Well, last night I had that same feeling. Except it wasn't about dying; it was about Josh breaking up with me. I mean, we had just had an amazing time hanging out that night. But I truly and honestly felt like he was going to break up with me the next day. And I was extremely sad and terrified. I know it's illogical, but I honestly thought he would. I couldn't sleep or listen to music or write or do anything but just lay there in bed, paralyzed with fear. Reasons popped up in my head that he would say, like "I realized that I like you better as a best friend" or "I have a lot going on and I don't think I can handle a girlfriend right now". I'm also extremely insecure about whether or not I will be able to do physical things, like kissing and stuff, correctly. So in my mind, he said "I'm sorry. I just kind of wish you were more willing and able to be physically closer to me." And yes, I know all of that stuff is completely ridiculous, and that Josh would never be like that or say that, but at the time I was genuinely afraid that that would happen. I really thought it was going to. It's weird.

And when I get in moods like that, no matter how much I think "There is nothing physically wrong with me, I'm not going to die" or "Josh loves me a lot, he's not going to break up with me", it won't have any effect. I come up with reasons like a concussion or a freak illness, or that he'll just start seeing me in a different light.

Last night, after thinking all that, I had this dream that I was really ugly. At first it was just acne, which is not that big of a deal; I mean, a lot of people have acne and I don't think they're ugly. But then, a doctor told me I had a hormonal imbalance, and I started growing hair on my neck and sideburns and stuff. And then giant bulbous warts started popping up on my neck and face. I remember thinking in the dream that no guy would ever like me again, everyone would alienate me, and I'd lose everything. The dream was fairly realistic, and when I woke up I honestly thought I looked like that at first. I felt my face and was relieved that all those things had not happened.

I mean, I guess it's just my fear of abandonment again. I have never let anyone in like this before. And I have changed a lot this year, and I feel like I'm not as honest and kind and pure as I used to be. I hate that, and I am working toward changing it, and doing a decent job of it. But I dunno, I feel like I have a decrease of good personality traits coupled with a lack of ability to be physical. And I guess it just kind of hit me. And I am legitimately scared that every guy I love, even in the future, will end up leaving me because they'll eventually get sick of my shyness and lack of skill and other things, and I'll just be alone for the rest of my life. And I know it's an irrational fear, but just like those times, I can't shake it.