If the perfect spring is waiting somewhere, just take me there.

I really should be doing homework right now. But I've been desperate to blog.... I know there are only like two people who read this blog, and they're the two that I'm not sure I'd want them to see this one. But, I need an outlet to explain myself, and this blog is the best place to do it. I'd put it on private if I knew how, but I don't. And there is too much to handwrite, and I don't want to put it in some random document. It's just not the same.

The best thing to do might be to avoid reading this at all. If you do read it, please don't let it negatively affect the way we relate to each other. These feelings are my own, and I will deal with them on my own. Don't worry about them.

In the past week, I have gone a little crazy. Intense feelings of rejection and feeling left out. And I didn't deal with them like I should've. Instead of moving past them internally, as is the best course, I freaked out and just hurt the people around me and pushed them away from me. And the truth is, I was in the wrong. I was being jealous, and selfish, and stupid.

Last night, I stayed up really late talking to a wise friend of mine. And during that conversation, I realized something. The whole time, I truly believed I was in the right: that I felt left out by both parties, and that I felt like I was getting left behind. And while that may've been true, the way I dealt with it wasn't the right way to deal with it. Because Alsatia and Josh were right. In the back of my mind, I knew the real reason I felt and acted this way. But I fought against it; pushed it into my subconscious.

But it started to come to the forefront. In truth, I realized, I was just being a spoiled little child. In my mind, it was like I was a five-year-old whose favorite blanket--one I'd had since I was a baby, and loved with all my heart--had been given away. And I was mad to lose that blanket, and resented the other kid that got to have it. Like I say, stupid and jealous. In my mind, that is how it was. But then I realized that baby blankets can't talk or think or have free will. And I'd been going about things in the entirely wrong way. People aren't blankets, and they can make their own choices. You can't resent the person who gets the blanket, if the blanket chose on its own to go to them. And in the same way, you can't force anyone or anything with free will to stay with you. Trying to control them--trying to make them stay--it just leads to a greater yearning for freedom. It just pushes them away.

So, I'm done trying to force anything. And I'm done resenting people who have done absolutely nothing wrong. It's just ridiculous and unbecoming.

And it hurts. It hurts to let go. I miss it every day that it's gone--that love, that bond. As much as I delude myself into thinking that I don't want it, the truth is that I do. That love, and that happiness that the love brought me. It's not even that I want to be with him; I don't. I just want him. I want to be the most important person in his life, besides his significant other. I want to be his very best friend. I tried for a long time to convince myself that I didn't, and for awhile it seemed to be working. I told myself that I didn't care as much, and tried to dull my feelings. I told myself that I could be okay with being less important. I told myself that I could make him less important to me. But the truth came out in the end. It's like Eddie said: "I don't think we ever stop loving someone. We only learn to move on and love again, though the feeling stays."

There is part of me that wants to distance myself from him as much as possible. I know that it would be the best way to move on. And if we weren't so involved in each other's lives, that is probably what I would do. But we are. I see him every class period, we have all the same friends, we do all the same things. It's absolutely impossible to get away from him unless I specifically put my energy into avoiding him, but when the opportunity is there to be around him it hurts too much to avoid him. And avoiding him would honestly take so much energy. And besides, there is also that part that wants to be close to him. That wants him in my life, no matter at what level. Even if we can't be best friends. That part of me that just wants him there. That is the part of me that makes it hurt so badly. It is the part of me that causes the jealousness, and the bitterness, and the melancholy attitudes. It is the reason that I cry regularly, in the school library, in bathroom stalls, in my shower, in my bed, sitting in front of my computer. It is what prevents me from becoming a great person again. I hate this part of me, a lot. If I could get rid of it, I would. But I can't. Not with the way things stand. When I get out there on my own, away from this small town with these people that are attached to so many memories, and when I love someone new, these feelings will fade. I believe that is when I will truly be able to let these intense feelings go. And then I will be able to improve myself again. Then I will be able to become a better person again. Then I will be happy again. And it is at that point that I will be able to have a healthy relationship with Josh again, rather than the parasitic and dysfunctional one that is currently sucking the life out of the love we used to share. Sadly, though, by that time our bond will probably be long dead. As much as I wish it weren't so, I've come to accept it.

But in the meantime, I will cope. There are little things that will help me keep my sanity. Music, books. I honestly think it will start getting a lot better once the weather starts getting nicer. It's hard for me to feel very depressed on a warm, sunny day.

Alsatia, if you read this.... I'm sorry. I broke my promise. I guess we all knew I would. :P