There is nothing I know, except a lifetime's one moment and wishing will just leave you empty.

Hello, blog!

Mannnn, it has been time. Time has passed, and stuff. You know what I mean?
It's kind of dumb, the fact that it is show week, and of course on the day we just have a normal rehearsal I have no homework. I mean, it's awesome, but I really wish I could work ahead. I'd like to have the reading in history. Oh, I'm also not registered for my next class yet, so I had to register today, which is kind of lame. I was really hoping to get a ton of work done today and get ahead on my online class since I had nothing else to do, so I wouldn't have to worry about it later in the week when things were more stressful. But it's really whatever. Can one really complain about having no homework? Haha. I will catch up on my sleep tonight, hopefully.

Lately I've been feeling better about life. I'm kind of just done getting upset over stuff. I have gotten really good at distancing myself from situations, and forcing myself to get over things and be happy. I'm proud of myself, and think I'm being really strong. That sounds conceited, and a certain person probably wouldn't agree with me, but I don't care. I've learned to see him like everyone else. I've learned to get annoyed with him at times when I'd get annoyed with most people, rather than just feel upset and blame myself for his idiocy. I do instead what he used to do every time I'd get upset at him, and talk to other people and keep being happy despite him. It's really good for me. It honestly is.
I've gotten really good at making myself happy. It's a good thing. "If I can't learn to make myself feel better, how can I expect anyone else to give a shit?"
And sure, sometimes it gets to me, and I end up cracking. But I recover a lot more quickly than I used to. Last night, he was mad at me, but instead of sulking about it all night and crying in the shower like I normally would, I just got over it. I moved on and did other things to distract myself, and I ended up feeling better. And sure, today during precalculus I broke down and started sobbing in the handicapped bathroom, but by the middle of history I was fine. I'm getting better and better at distancing myself from his emotions, and not letting them affect me like they used to. And it's so, so good for me. Of course it still bothers me that he is upset at me and won't even talk to me about it, and yet also won't just get over it, but it doesn't ruin my entire day like it used to.
There are more people in the world than just him. And more things to do. There is Alsatia and Micaela and Dakota and Jenna and a ton of other people that I can talk to and that can make me feel better. And there is music to listen to, and there are walks to take, and there are things to watch. It really was exhausting when my life revolved around him. And it's nice that it doesn't anymore.
I'm also extremely glad the weather has been getting nicer lately. Honestly, it has lifted my spirits so much more than anything else. I feel like a sunny climate minimalizes my constant need and desperate cry for support and attention from my friends. When the weather is nice, I don't need anything except my two legs, my dog, and my iPod. I can literally just sit out on the porch in the sun for hours, listening to music, and by the time I go inside I will feel so happy. And then there is exercise to be had, which makes me feel amazing. It's really helping me become more independent and move on from all the nastiness in my past. Of course, I still love my friends and want to do stuff with people, but if I've learned anything this year it's that letting your happiness depend on other people is ALWAYS a mistake. You need to find things that you can do to make yourself happy, and I have found that in books and music and sunlight and exercise. All of these things, they will always be there for me. They are constant, and will never change or leave unless I want them to. Well, besides sunlight, but the sun always eventually returns. And I have certainty in the fact that it is going to. These little sure things, these things that I know I can depend on, these certainties, they are what keeps me going. After facing a year of huge change and uncertainty, and being let down by almost everyone I'd come to depend on, I have come to really appreciate the little constants in life more than ever before.
I can't say I'm grateful for this experience. I really can't. At this point in my life, if someone asked me if I could go back and change things--if I would give up ever having been in a relationship with him, or falling in love with him, in exchange for all of the shit and heartbreak that came along with it ending--I'd do it in a heartbeat. They say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. And maybe that's true in some cases, and maybe it'll eventually be true for me. But at this point, I would give up falling in love in a heartbeat if I could go back to having the love of my friends; the ease with which we related to each other, not having to worry about our horrible past. And the contentment of before. I am happier now, it's true, but I constantly have to work at that happiness. It's not something that just comes naturally anymore. I have to make it happen by my own strength. And it's not easy. In truth, it wasn't just losing love that came along with the end of our relationship. It had a domino effect on my life, and I lost everything. And now, I have to struggle to regain my holding on a life that is already slipping away before my eyes. Most of us have just given up, and are just biding our time until college. And that is not the atmosphere to truly try and fix things in. Why repair something that you are going to have to give up soon anyway?
And when I think about how happy I was when I was with him, it just doesn't seem worth it. I can't really remember how I felt back then, and doesn't that say something in itself? This pain, I will always remember the pain. It will come back to me at random intervals in my life. Every time I think about November, or read old blog or journal entries, or listen to certain songs, the pain comes flooding back to me. The love? It never, ever does. Love doesn't linger near so much as pain.

But, I know that I cannot go back and change it. I know that what happened, happened, and all I can do now is try and move forward. And move forward is what I will do. I've been through hell, but I know I will emerge a stronger and better person.