I wish I still had someone to complain to.

I desperately need to let these feelings out. This sadness, this anger, this regret. This fear and loneliness. But I don't have anyone to let them out to, anymore.

All my friends, they're tired of it. They're tired of me being sad. They're tired of my whining, or my troubles. They got tired of it a long time ago. And they try to act like they're understanding, but I can just sense the irritation.
And not only that, but they resent me. For so long, I put another person before them. I took them for granted, thinking they'd always be there. Thinking they'd always accept me, and be there for me when I needed them. But I was wrong.
And I guess I thought, as long as I had SOMEONE, I would be okay. But now, even the one person that I put before others, always. That I always treated the best I could, tried so hard to keep my image of a great person for. Even he got tired of me. Of my depression and angst. Of my need for attention.
And now, I'm alone. And who is there to listen to me anymore? Who can I talk to when I'm sad. I don't have anyone anymore. That's why I'm typing it into this blog. The people that I haven't talked much about my problems to yet, I am too concerned about keeping an image for. And the people who I used to be able to talk to about them, I am now too busy trying to impress.

That's right. The select few who actually got to know me for who I truly am as a person. Who I actually put down the wall for, and let in. Who I allowed my happiness to depend upon, like the idiot I am. They don't like the person they found when they tore away the facade. And so now, I have to work extra-hard, to put up a wall that is bigger and better than before. And it's so hard, considering I spend most of my time being miserable. Now, I have to act like I'm this fun, happy person. More than I ever did before. I have to try so much harder than the first time around. I have to pick up the bricks, build on additions, all while I am feeling so weak that I can barely lift up my own self.

And I wish things were different. I wish that I didn't have so much in my past to answer up to; stuff that would make me deserve this. I wish that I could truly be accepted for who I really am. Back when I was happy, people used to put me up on this pedestal. Build me up as this great person. And like an idiot, I actually started believing them. I actually started thinking that I really was a great person.
And then, I made the mistake of letting people in. I made the mistake of being myself, showing my flaws. And now, no one thinks I'm a great person. Everyone sees me for who I really am. And they don't like what they see. And I see it, too, and I don't like it.

I just feel so alone. And useless. And awful.