"Yes, me too. I want to take any memory, and hold it in my heart, and believe that... so I can be someone who won't let those memories defeat me. Someday, we'll overcome the pain, and we'll have precious memories."
It was this exchange from Fruits Basket that inspired this entry. For so long, I have been caught up in negativity. I only remember the bad; the good has been too painful to think about. You would think it would be the opposite, but the reason the good is so sad is because it is gone and I know things will never be the same again. And thinking about the good makes me miss the way things used to be. I don't know if doing this will be good or bad for me, but I know that I'm tired of running away. And who knows? It might be good for me. I haven't been truly happy in 7 months; I can't recall how it feels anymore. I want to remember what it was like when I was happy; I want to remember that it's possible to feel that way. And instead of running from those memories, and denying them, and forcing them out of my head, I want to accept them. I want to hold them in my heart and appreciate them, and move on from them peacefully.
So, let us begin: a list of great memories, from when I used to be happy. They aren't going to be in a particular order; just as they come to me. And I'm not worried about making them sound logical; it's really just for me, so I'm writing it in the form that my mind hands them to me. *I tried to use pronouns at first, but the memories come to me in "you were" form, and it's too much effort converting them into "he/she was" form. These memories involve many different people, but I'm not being specific on who. Most can probably be guessed; some maybe not. It's not just one person though.*
-the moment he told me he liked me; when I went into shock, and then threw my arms around him, telling him the feeling was mutual. Everyone cheered in the background.
-the first time we held hands "like boyfriend and girlfriend", on the last night of Cinderella, when we were getting in the big cast circle. Shy and awkward, yet nice.
-the feeling of his arms around me, his hands in mine, his body encircling me; the feeling of safety, joy, and contentment that that used to give me
-the time at the county fair when we were waiting to go on the ride, and I turned my face up and looked at him. The stars were behind him and the lights of the fair made his face glow, and we kissed.
-the first time he kissed me in public: standing in front of the Things Brewed counter, surrounded by some random friends of Audrey.... He had his arms wrapped around me, and mine were around him, and he just leaned in and kissed me.
-Christmas party 2009, when everyone else was going crazy in truth or dare and kissing each other. I was half-asleep, and you just held me. And it was warm and safe and so very nice. Later that night, when we were saying goodbye, I was dead on my feet. And you gave me this look of adoration and gentleness, and you said in a soft voice, "You're sleepy, aren't you?"
-the look of gentleness you'd always get in your eyes as we kissed, or when you were telling me you loved me
-the way you used to laugh at me out of endearment, admiring all the funny little things I did
-the concert on November 13, sitting in Jeremiah's car and talking, finding out Logan liked me and making things incredibly embarrassing
-walking around town together in the summer heat, laughing and talking, sitting at our favorite bench
-the time we got busted "smoking weed" on the railroad tracks by the cop who stalks me
-the time we got busted being out past curfew to go to the playground, also by cop who stalks me
-the intense duels we had with Nerf swords with the guys, in the playground as it got dark on that summer day
-chair-throwing competitions
-watching you interact with my family and come to love them, eating dinner together and laughing
-cupcakes that dyed our mouths blue and blowing bubbles
-laying in your driveway in either early fall or late summer, just talking. it was so peaceful.
-spending the night on the balcony in Florida, staying up until about 3 am talking, and then you trying to help me get down the stairs only to find that the door to go inside was "locked"
-the time you took a picture of my feet. I don't remember why you did, but I'm fairly sure that I asked you a billion times to delete it, and you never did. XD
-sitting on my porch on hot summer evenings, watching the sun go down and listening to Vanilla Twilight, thinking of you and missing you
-chucking an army man off a parking garage and winning Sir Chester Pinkerton III
-trying to decide if Sir Chester Pinkerton III should be Sir Chester Pinkerton III or Sir Chester Pinkerton VII
-the time we were all standing in a group by the stop sign, and you had your arms around me. No one was paying attention, so I kissed you on the jaw, and then the cheek, and then finally on your lips. And of course Cody Davis had to follow up with "EWWWW!" XD
-the first day I got to see you after you got back from Europe
-the way we used to laugh and smile and talk and just enjoy each other's company, all of us
-sitting on my front porch on a late summer day, my head in your lap and you stroking my hair, discussing our completely opposite tastes in food
-chilling out in my car when I decided to walk on the ceiling and honk the steering wheel horn with my butt
-having to wait FOREVER to get a table at Applebee's for Gareth's(?) birthday
-sitting on my couch watching Tyra
-wrestling around on my couch with two gingers who could not keep their hands off of each other XD
-Phillippe
-meeting Jedward and his friend at JMC
-getting kicked out of the Meijer lounge
-when we used to be like sisters, and you practically lived at my house, and you knew me better than I knew myself, and we always had fun laughing at being crazy together
-discovering our song
-when we used to believe that we'd always be in each other's lives, and you used to count me as a life-long friend
-when we used to think that as long as we had each other, we could handle anything
-playing Mario Kart
-when we used to tell each other everything
-when I used to know you better than you knew yourself
-the art festival
-when I made you my young grasshopper, and taught you "lessons"
-the time in Nashville when I had hurt myself in some way, so you asked if I wanted you to kiss it and make it better. And right there on the bus, I was just like, "yes." So you kissed me on the head, and it was incredibly sweet.
-when hanging out together made both of us so happy that dates were never necessary, and it was always amazing
-how I used to be the most important person in your life
-how happy I used to make you
-how happy I used to make everyone
-when we used to be best friends
-getting dragged across the soccer field in the snow
-making you be Lisa Jones so we could see if siblings could marry on facebook
-when we used to be perfect for each other
-when your smile used to brighten my entire day
-when your mood and mine used to automatically synchronize
-when I used to be so important to you
-running like crazy people to the car after almost getting beat up, and you screaming "I CAN'T DEFEND ALL OF YOU!"
-me having to go and open the door to my car so the light would come on, because you were afraid of the dark
-the time we almost died driving home from the mall because it was raining SO hard
-when you were leaving for Europe, and I got you a giant bag of Skittles even though I hate them, and watched your face light up
-playing in the ocean together
-when you three used to be my entire support system, and I didn't have to just depend on myself
-ARM-RAM plus Joshua
-the birth of ARM-RAM, where we layed in the snow on the playground for at least a half hour, just talking and keeping each other warm
-spelling out ARM-RAM in the snow
-Valentine's Day 2010, watching POTC and receiving the best gift ever: Asparagus
-decorating Phillippe together, and needing Josh to come because he was the only one tall enough to reach the high branches
-cooking dinner with Marc and Alsatia, and Marc not understanding the concept of "pouring gradually"
-a snowball fight of epic proportions in which I got hit in the eyes
-seeing you play Dearly Beloved and To Zanarkand on the piano, and nearly melting into a puddle
-making pictures with crayons and paint
-all the big events, and all the little times in between. all the smiles and glances, all the times you made my heart race, all the laughs and talks.
Leslie people are fucking weird.
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