It's a mistake to let your happiness depend on someone else. It always is. It never works out and it ultimately ends up hurting you. Every time. Don't do it. Just don't.

I always tell myself this, and then I go and let my happiness depend on another person anyway. It's so stupid. All it's ever done for me is make me doubt every single thing I do, hate myself for every tiny mistake, hurt the people around me, and bottle up resentment and anger. I'm so sick of this. I just wish I could be good enough for SOMEONE.

Spread sunshine all over the place; just put on a happy face!

I've recently decided that I'm going to respond with a cheery smile and, "Wonderful!" every time someone asks me how I am. Even if I am not wonderful at all, if I act like it, for some reason it helps me feel a little bit better. And I've noticed that people tend to give me really genuine smiles in return, even if their "how are you?" was only half-hearted and disinterested.
I've also complimented people a lot lately. I don't force compliments at all, but I tend to look for the good in every person I see. There is something good to be said about every single person in this world. Even super-mega-ultra bitch monster Mrs. Zessin must have SOME good things about her. After all, she is married. She has lovely eyes, when they're not glaring at you.
When I notice all these good things about people, I just tell them. Without really thinking about what I'm saying, it just comes out. Even stuff that isn't really normal, like "Your eyes are a lovely color" or "I love how your hair is different every day; it's so pretty." I like complimenting people. And I like that it makes them happy.
My goal remains of wanting to be someone that can spread happiness to the people around them. These are little things, but they're a step. And I'm going to keep building on to these actions. Just add more and more little things. Helping someone out who has dropped something, looking out for the people around me a little more. The other day, Brooke (a.k.a. Cosette) was struggling to get her scooter into the door. At first it didn't occur to me that she might need help, and walked by. Then I realized I should help her, and so I did, and I was really glad I did. Just little things like that. And eventually, the little things might have a big impact. :)

There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how.

I've been wanting to blog for awhile now. And there are a lot of things I want to blog about. But I just really don't know if I should say everything on a blog that I want to say. Is there any point in trying to clarify to someone, if it will only mean making everything worse? Why not just keep the information to yourself?

I guess all I will say about that is, I think I'm too hard on myself a lot of the time. And I tend to blame myself rather than take circumstances into account. And maybe this time, it isn't my fault.

So now the other thing I planned on blogging about.

Taylor, I think you're like, the only person who still reads this blog. Or one of the only people. Or maybe you've stopped reading it. I don't really know. But I know that you left a comment on my recent post, and mentioned a quote from my blog in one of your own blog entries. (I don't really know why you were quoting my blog to someone, but then again, I also don't really care either way.) Isn't it weird that we do that, though? We still read each other's blogs, even though we never actually talk to each other. We still like to know what's going on in the other person's life, and check in on one another. Maybe for you, it's one of those "keep your friends close but your enemies closer" type of things. But I think, for both of us, it's more of an "Even though I have no desire to be your friend, I don't want to cut you out of my life entirely" kind of thing. After all the stuff I went through last year, I realized that there was a lot I wanted to say to you. And there still is, so now I will say it.

I want to apologize for all the pain I put you through. I never knew, before last year, what it was like to lose all your friends. To feel alone. To put up a facade so that no one would know how alone you really felt, and drift through the day counting the minutes until you could get home and take the wall down. What it feels like for the people you love to just decide that they can't deal with you anymore, and that you are too flawed to deserve their love. Last year, I learned how that feels. And it absolutely sucks. And I hate the fact that I put you or anyone through that. So, I'm sorry. I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart.

And I'm sorry for ever making it seem like I thought you were a bad person. Or if I ever made you feel like you were. Because you aren't. You have flaws, of course, but so does everyone else. There are a lot of good things about you, too. You're funny and creative, and you can be very generous, kind, and caring when you want to be. You certainly don't deserve everything I put you through. You're a good person. And even if you WERE an awful person (which you aren't), it's not up to me to be the judge of that. Only God should judge others. Or karma or whatever you believe in. So I apologize for that as well.

I'm sorry for all the shit I put you through during our friendship, as well. I'm sorry for all the times I took you for granted. I'm sorry for all the times I left you behind. I'm sorry for all the times I got mad at you for no reason, and illogically decided I was annoyed at you. And I'm sorry for never appreciating the fact that you put up with all of it.

Which brings me to another point. THANK YOU for all of that. I've never said it before, but thank you so much. Thank you for always sticking by me throughout our friendship even though I had no qualms with abandoning you. You honestly forgave me way more than I deserved. So thank you so much for doing that for me.

And thank you for accepting me no matter what. Lord knows that you saw my bad side. We argued quite frequently. Because I was *comfortable* getting angry around you. Which is something I don't think I can really say about anyone else. Because I trusted you to accept me. And you always, always did. You stuck by me, loving and accepting me, "no matter how ugly my ugly side got"--a quote from the only other person in this world to have done that. Unconditional love is the greatest and most undervalued gift you can possibly give someone, and you gave it to me generously. And for that, I thank you.

And thank you for being there for me even now, even though we barely ever speak. Even after all this time and all that I put you through, I still know I can always count on you. And I appreciate that more than I can possibly express. The fact that you will still be there for me is truly amazing, and it really shows what a great person you really are. Not many people would be willing to do that to someone who had put them through as much as I put you through.

And thank you for all the great times we had during our friendship. You were my best friend for about six years and as much as we had bad times, we had amazing times too. Thank you for all of that.

And I'm really, really glad you're happy now. I'm so glad you found Nick and I hope that everything goes well for you guys. And I wish you luck with everything in your future. If you work hard I know you can do anything you put your mind to.

I'm so confused.

That is all.

Though spring, it did come slowly, I guess it did its part: my heart has thawed and continues to beat.

Here I am again, at the end of another school year. And I can't believe I made it through. Junior year was the hardest year of my life. Pretty much the entire thing was a struggle. At the beginning of the year, it was me struggling to keep up my "perfect girlfriend" act while inside I was crumbling from constant rejection, always telling myself that tomorrow would be better and being horrified when it always turned out to be worse. After that, I struggled to accept the fact that the only guy I had ever been in love with--the only guy I thought I ever would be in love with--would never, ever be with me. After it finally sunk in that he would never want me in the way I wanted him, I struggled with the fact that I still wanted him. For a long time, I tried so hard to cling on to something that just wasn't there anymore. And when I finally let him go, I looked around and realized I had lost everyone else. And then, I struggled with feelings of isolation and loneliness. There was no one there for me anymore; no one who understood or who even tried to make the effort to understand. I had pushed everyone away from me, and had no idea how to get them back. When they finally started very slowly returning, there was still more to struggle through: my own self-hatred. Throughout the year, I became someone I absolutely hated. Someone I never thought I would be; someone I never wanted to be; someone who was not even a ghost of the person I once had been--someone who was so much worse. Throughout all of this, I struggled to keep up in school. I struggled with the pressure to get ready for college. I spent a lot of the year struggling with my own will to live: at many points, the only thing keeping me alive was my fear of death. I reached the lowest point I've ever reached in my life, and felt more miserable than I even knew it was possible to feel. It was like I was struggling through a long, dark tunnel, reaching desperately for the light at the end. And for a long time, surrounded in darkness, I forgot that there would be an end. I lost all hope that things would ever get better; I had been depressed for so long that I couldn't imagine ever being happy again. I couldn't remember what it felt like to be happy. All I could remember or think or feel was sadness, and that was all I saw in the future, past, or present.


But I survived. Somehow, I went through a year that was pure hell--a year that tested me over and over in the harshest ways, a year that wore me down past the bone--and emerged from it a stronger person.






--Note: I wrote this post at the end of junior year. I was planning on continuing it later but I never did. So for now I'm publishing it until I decide if I ever want to finish it. -

You could write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect day.

Why must you always ruin things?!

Whenever you're gone, I'm always in a fantastic mood. I have such great days when you are not in them. And then you come, and make everything I do into something offensive, and it just ends up making me this irritable, frustrated person! And then the fact that I am irritable and frustrated makes me get down on myself, and that makes me depressed!

This morning was a fantastic morning! I was having a great day until you came! And then you made me feel like shit about myself as per usual, and now here I am insecure and irritable and upset again!

The reason I am so excited for college is to get away from you. Because then you won't be around to make me feel and seem like a horrible person all the time. And I'll be able to actually be happy for once in my life.

You wonder why I am always dissing on your personality? It's because you are always dissing on mine. You make EVERY SINGLE THING I DO seem mean or cold in some way! And very rarely do I ever intend it like that! You see me as this hypocritical, selfish, rude, irritable person, and you treat me like I am one, so when you do that I become one! Stop forcing me into the role of an antagonistic shrew and take a second to look at your own behavior. You're so egotistical that you can't even see your own flaws, and you can't bear to see them, but you're perfectly happy to point out flaws that half the time aren't even there in other people.

Please do us all a favor and move to Canada or something.

Memories of love will be the only warmth we'll have in the end.

"I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're sad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me. Even if they're memories I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that, because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's okay to forget."
"Yes, me too. I want to take any memory, and hold it in my heart, and believe that... so I can be someone who won't let those memories defeat me. Someday, we'll overcome the pain, and we'll have precious memories."

It was this exchange from Fruits Basket that inspired this entry. For so long, I have been caught up in negativity. I only remember the bad; the good has been too painful to think about. You would think it would be the opposite, but the reason the good is so sad is because it is gone and I know things will never be the same again. And thinking about the good makes me miss the way things used to be. I don't know if doing this will be good or bad for me, but I know that I'm tired of running away. And who knows? It might be good for me. I haven't been truly happy in 7 months; I can't recall how it feels anymore. I want to remember what it was like when I was happy; I want to remember that it's possible to feel that way. And instead of running from those memories, and denying them, and forcing them out of my head, I want to accept them. I want to hold them in my heart and appreciate them, and move on from them peacefully.

So, let us begin: a list of great memories, from when I used to be happy. They aren't going to be in a particular order; just as they come to me. And I'm not worried about making them sound logical; it's really just for me, so I'm writing it in the form that my mind hands them to me. *I tried to use pronouns at first, but the memories come to me in "you were" form, and it's too much effort converting them into "he/she was" form. These memories involve many different people, but I'm not being specific on who. Most can probably be guessed; some maybe not. It's not just one person though.*

-the moment he told me he liked me; when I went into shock, and then threw my arms around him, telling him the feeling was mutual. Everyone cheered in the background.
-the first time we held hands "like boyfriend and girlfriend", on the last night of Cinderella, when we were getting in the big cast circle. Shy and awkward, yet nice.
-the feeling of his arms around me, his hands in mine, his body encircling me; the feeling of safety, joy, and contentment that that used to give me
-the time at the county fair when we were waiting to go on the ride, and I turned my face up and looked at him. The stars were behind him and the lights of the fair made his face glow, and we kissed.
-the first time he kissed me in public: standing in front of the Things Brewed counter, surrounded by some random friends of Audrey.... He had his arms wrapped around me, and mine were around him, and he just leaned in and kissed me.
-Christmas party 2009, when everyone else was going crazy in truth or dare and kissing each other. I was half-asleep, and you just held me. And it was warm and safe and so very nice. Later that night, when we were saying goodbye, I was dead on my feet. And you gave me this look of adoration and gentleness, and you said in a soft voice, "You're sleepy, aren't you?"
-the look of gentleness you'd always get in your eyes as we kissed, or when you were telling me you loved me
-the way you used to laugh at me out of endearment, admiring all the funny little things I did
-the concert on November 13, sitting in Jeremiah's car and talking, finding out Logan liked me and making things incredibly embarrassing
-walking around town together in the summer heat, laughing and talking, sitting at our favorite bench
-the time we got busted "smoking weed" on the railroad tracks by the cop who stalks me
-the time we got busted being out past curfew to go to the playground, also by cop who stalks me
-the intense duels we had with Nerf swords with the guys, in the playground as it got dark on that summer day
-chair-throwing competitions
-watching you interact with my family and come to love them, eating dinner together and laughing
-cupcakes that dyed our mouths blue and blowing bubbles
-laying in your driveway in either early fall or late summer, just talking. it was so peaceful.
-spending the night on the balcony in Florida, staying up until about 3 am talking, and then you trying to help me get down the stairs only to find that the door to go inside was "locked"
-the time you took a picture of my feet. I don't remember why you did, but I'm fairly sure that I asked you a billion times to delete it, and you never did. XD
-sitting on my porch on hot summer evenings, watching the sun go down and listening to Vanilla Twilight, thinking of you and missing you
-chucking an army man off a parking garage and winning Sir Chester Pinkerton III
-trying to decide if Sir Chester Pinkerton III should be Sir Chester Pinkerton III or Sir Chester Pinkerton VII
-the time we were all standing in a group by the stop sign, and you had your arms around me. No one was paying attention, so I kissed you on the jaw, and then the cheek, and then finally on your lips. And of course Cody Davis had to follow up with "EWWWW!" XD
-the first day I got to see you after you got back from Europe
-the way we used to laugh and smile and talk and just enjoy each other's company, all of us
-sitting on my front porch on a late summer day, my head in your lap and you stroking my hair, discussing our completely opposite tastes in food
-chilling out in my car when I decided to walk on the ceiling and honk the steering wheel horn with my butt
-having to wait FOREVER to get a table at Applebee's for Gareth's(?) birthday
-sitting on my couch watching Tyra
-wrestling around on my couch with two gingers who could not keep their hands off of each other XD
-Phillippe
-meeting Jedward and his friend at JMC
-getting kicked out of the Meijer lounge
-when we used to be like sisters, and you practically lived at my house, and you knew me better than I knew myself, and we always had fun laughing at being crazy together
-discovering our song
-when we used to believe that we'd always be in each other's lives, and you used to count me as a life-long friend
-when we used to think that as long as we had each other, we could handle anything
-playing Mario Kart
-when we used to tell each other everything
-when I used to know you better than you knew yourself
-the art festival
-when I made you my young grasshopper, and taught you "lessons"
-the time in Nashville when I had hurt myself in some way, so you asked if I wanted you to kiss it and make it better. And right there on the bus, I was just like, "yes." So you kissed me on the head, and it was incredibly sweet.
-when hanging out together made both of us so happy that dates were never necessary, and it was always amazing
-how I used to be the most important person in your life
-how happy I used to make you
-how happy I used to make everyone
-when we used to be best friends
-getting dragged across the soccer field in the snow
-making you be Lisa Jones so we could see if siblings could marry on facebook
-when we used to be perfect for each other
-when your smile used to brighten my entire day
-when your mood and mine used to automatically synchronize
-when I used to be so important to you
-running like crazy people to the car after almost getting beat up, and you screaming "I CAN'T DEFEND ALL OF YOU!"
-me having to go and open the door to my car so the light would come on, because you were afraid of the dark
-the time we almost died driving home from the mall because it was raining SO hard
-when you were leaving for Europe, and I got you a giant bag of Skittles even though I hate them, and watched your face light up
-playing in the ocean together
-when you three used to be my entire support system, and I didn't have to just depend on myself
-ARM-RAM plus Joshua
-the birth of ARM-RAM, where we layed in the snow on the playground for at least a half hour, just talking and keeping each other warm
-spelling out ARM-RAM in the snow
-Valentine's Day 2010, watching POTC and receiving the best gift ever: Asparagus
-decorating Phillippe together, and needing Josh to come because he was the only one tall enough to reach the high branches
-cooking dinner with Marc and Alsatia, and Marc not understanding the concept of "pouring gradually"
-a snowball fight of epic proportions in which I got hit in the eyes
-seeing you play Dearly Beloved and To Zanarkand on the piano, and nearly melting into a puddle
-making pictures with crayons and paint
-all the big events, and all the little times in between. all the smiles and glances, all the times you made my heart race, all the laughs and talks.

If the perfect spring is waiting somewhere, just take me there.

I really should be doing homework right now. But I've been desperate to blog.... I know there are only like two people who read this blog, and they're the two that I'm not sure I'd want them to see this one. But, I need an outlet to explain myself, and this blog is the best place to do it. I'd put it on private if I knew how, but I don't. And there is too much to handwrite, and I don't want to put it in some random document. It's just not the same.

The best thing to do might be to avoid reading this at all. If you do read it, please don't let it negatively affect the way we relate to each other. These feelings are my own, and I will deal with them on my own. Don't worry about them.

In the past week, I have gone a little crazy. Intense feelings of rejection and feeling left out. And I didn't deal with them like I should've. Instead of moving past them internally, as is the best course, I freaked out and just hurt the people around me and pushed them away from me. And the truth is, I was in the wrong. I was being jealous, and selfish, and stupid.

Last night, I stayed up really late talking to a wise friend of mine. And during that conversation, I realized something. The whole time, I truly believed I was in the right: that I felt left out by both parties, and that I felt like I was getting left behind. And while that may've been true, the way I dealt with it wasn't the right way to deal with it. Because Alsatia and Josh were right. In the back of my mind, I knew the real reason I felt and acted this way. But I fought against it; pushed it into my subconscious.

But it started to come to the forefront. In truth, I realized, I was just being a spoiled little child. In my mind, it was like I was a five-year-old whose favorite blanket--one I'd had since I was a baby, and loved with all my heart--had been given away. And I was mad to lose that blanket, and resented the other kid that got to have it. Like I say, stupid and jealous. In my mind, that is how it was. But then I realized that baby blankets can't talk or think or have free will. And I'd been going about things in the entirely wrong way. People aren't blankets, and they can make their own choices. You can't resent the person who gets the blanket, if the blanket chose on its own to go to them. And in the same way, you can't force anyone or anything with free will to stay with you. Trying to control them--trying to make them stay--it just leads to a greater yearning for freedom. It just pushes them away.

So, I'm done trying to force anything. And I'm done resenting people who have done absolutely nothing wrong. It's just ridiculous and unbecoming.

And it hurts. It hurts to let go. I miss it every day that it's gone--that love, that bond. As much as I delude myself into thinking that I don't want it, the truth is that I do. That love, and that happiness that the love brought me. It's not even that I want to be with him; I don't. I just want him. I want to be the most important person in his life, besides his significant other. I want to be his very best friend. I tried for a long time to convince myself that I didn't, and for awhile it seemed to be working. I told myself that I didn't care as much, and tried to dull my feelings. I told myself that I could be okay with being less important. I told myself that I could make him less important to me. But the truth came out in the end. It's like Eddie said: "I don't think we ever stop loving someone. We only learn to move on and love again, though the feeling stays."

There is part of me that wants to distance myself from him as much as possible. I know that it would be the best way to move on. And if we weren't so involved in each other's lives, that is probably what I would do. But we are. I see him every class period, we have all the same friends, we do all the same things. It's absolutely impossible to get away from him unless I specifically put my energy into avoiding him, but when the opportunity is there to be around him it hurts too much to avoid him. And avoiding him would honestly take so much energy. And besides, there is also that part that wants to be close to him. That wants him in my life, no matter at what level. Even if we can't be best friends. That part of me that just wants him there. That is the part of me that makes it hurt so badly. It is the part of me that causes the jealousness, and the bitterness, and the melancholy attitudes. It is the reason that I cry regularly, in the school library, in bathroom stalls, in my shower, in my bed, sitting in front of my computer. It is what prevents me from becoming a great person again. I hate this part of me, a lot. If I could get rid of it, I would. But I can't. Not with the way things stand. When I get out there on my own, away from this small town with these people that are attached to so many memories, and when I love someone new, these feelings will fade. I believe that is when I will truly be able to let these intense feelings go. And then I will be able to improve myself again. Then I will be able to become a better person again. Then I will be happy again. And it is at that point that I will be able to have a healthy relationship with Josh again, rather than the parasitic and dysfunctional one that is currently sucking the life out of the love we used to share. Sadly, though, by that time our bond will probably be long dead. As much as I wish it weren't so, I've come to accept it.

But in the meantime, I will cope. There are little things that will help me keep my sanity. Music, books. I honestly think it will start getting a lot better once the weather starts getting nicer. It's hard for me to feel very depressed on a warm, sunny day.

Alsatia, if you read this.... I'm sorry. I broke my promise. I guess we all knew I would. :P

And I've cried, and you'd think I'd feel better for it. But the sadness just sleeps, and it stays in my spine for the rest of my life.

I hate this. I hate not being able to go a month without crying. I hate that I can't even count the amount of times I've broken down this year. And I hate that there is no one I can turn to about it.

Life sucks. Life really, really, really sucks.

For awhile, I thought I was turning things around. And I am less depressed than I was before. But why am I crying right now?

I can feel you slipping away right now. I really can. And I don't like it at all. I know we've been arguing lately. And I hate it. And I'm sorry I get upset so easily, and can be overbearing, and that I feel so easily neglected. And I'm sorry we cope in different ways.

But please, PLEASE don't let this tear us apart. You are the only person who has been my best friend through EVERYTHING. I don't want to be with you anymore; you know I don't want that. And I don't put you up on a pedestal anymore, I really don't. But I can't bear the idea of losing you. It's not just our relationship as a couple. It's everything. It's being best friends since eighth grade. It's how happy we have the ability to make each other. It's our past, and our present, and our future. I wasn't lying when I said I want to be best friends forever.

I don't want to take a break from you. We haven't taken a break from each other for five years, and I don't want to now. We know each other SO well. Sometimes I feel like I know you better than you know yourself. We've seen each other grow up, and we've seen each other at our worst, and we've seen each other at our best. And you're the only person I can say that about. Maybe it's not what you want, but you are still so extremely important to me, and losing you will just tear me apart. I've lost everyone else. Please not you too. I care so very much about you.

I just wish that I knew you felt the same about me. If I knew that, then I could stop falling apart. But it's so hard. I feel like you're slipping away from me. And it's awful.

I resent her for getting to have you, too. I resent how you look forward to seeing her so much, and how everything she does makes you so happy, and how you compliment her all the time. That is how we used to be, you and I. But now it's all fucked up. And she is replacing me. And I can't help but feel resentful about it. She's replacing me, who has been with you for so many years. And she gets appreciation for everything she does so easily, when I did so much for you and barely got any. I just don't see how it's fair.

And it's not your fault. And it's not her fault. But it's what is happening. And I hate it. I just want you back. I want to feel like you're my best friend. I want to feel like you want me to be your best friend. I want to feel like you want me at all. And I don't right now. I feel like you're tolerating me. Or I feel like you do care, but not enough that you'd really be bothered if you didn't have me anymore. You could be happy with all your other friends, and not even notice my absence. And that is what I hate the most. The feeling that you wouldn't even care if I left; that you don't even want me to stay.

Please, someone. Anyone.
Give me a reason to stay. Ask me to stay. Tell me you want me to stay. That is all I want.
I just want someone to need me.

There is nothing I know, except a lifetime's one moment and wishing will just leave you empty.

Hello, blog!

Mannnn, it has been time. Time has passed, and stuff. You know what I mean?
It's kind of dumb, the fact that it is show week, and of course on the day we just have a normal rehearsal I have no homework. I mean, it's awesome, but I really wish I could work ahead. I'd like to have the reading in history. Oh, I'm also not registered for my next class yet, so I had to register today, which is kind of lame. I was really hoping to get a ton of work done today and get ahead on my online class since I had nothing else to do, so I wouldn't have to worry about it later in the week when things were more stressful. But it's really whatever. Can one really complain about having no homework? Haha. I will catch up on my sleep tonight, hopefully.

Lately I've been feeling better about life. I'm kind of just done getting upset over stuff. I have gotten really good at distancing myself from situations, and forcing myself to get over things and be happy. I'm proud of myself, and think I'm being really strong. That sounds conceited, and a certain person probably wouldn't agree with me, but I don't care. I've learned to see him like everyone else. I've learned to get annoyed with him at times when I'd get annoyed with most people, rather than just feel upset and blame myself for his idiocy. I do instead what he used to do every time I'd get upset at him, and talk to other people and keep being happy despite him. It's really good for me. It honestly is.
I've gotten really good at making myself happy. It's a good thing. "If I can't learn to make myself feel better, how can I expect anyone else to give a shit?"
And sure, sometimes it gets to me, and I end up cracking. But I recover a lot more quickly than I used to. Last night, he was mad at me, but instead of sulking about it all night and crying in the shower like I normally would, I just got over it. I moved on and did other things to distract myself, and I ended up feeling better. And sure, today during precalculus I broke down and started sobbing in the handicapped bathroom, but by the middle of history I was fine. I'm getting better and better at distancing myself from his emotions, and not letting them affect me like they used to. And it's so, so good for me. Of course it still bothers me that he is upset at me and won't even talk to me about it, and yet also won't just get over it, but it doesn't ruin my entire day like it used to.
There are more people in the world than just him. And more things to do. There is Alsatia and Micaela and Dakota and Jenna and a ton of other people that I can talk to and that can make me feel better. And there is music to listen to, and there are walks to take, and there are things to watch. It really was exhausting when my life revolved around him. And it's nice that it doesn't anymore.
I'm also extremely glad the weather has been getting nicer lately. Honestly, it has lifted my spirits so much more than anything else. I feel like a sunny climate minimalizes my constant need and desperate cry for support and attention from my friends. When the weather is nice, I don't need anything except my two legs, my dog, and my iPod. I can literally just sit out on the porch in the sun for hours, listening to music, and by the time I go inside I will feel so happy. And then there is exercise to be had, which makes me feel amazing. It's really helping me become more independent and move on from all the nastiness in my past. Of course, I still love my friends and want to do stuff with people, but if I've learned anything this year it's that letting your happiness depend on other people is ALWAYS a mistake. You need to find things that you can do to make yourself happy, and I have found that in books and music and sunlight and exercise. All of these things, they will always be there for me. They are constant, and will never change or leave unless I want them to. Well, besides sunlight, but the sun always eventually returns. And I have certainty in the fact that it is going to. These little sure things, these things that I know I can depend on, these certainties, they are what keeps me going. After facing a year of huge change and uncertainty, and being let down by almost everyone I'd come to depend on, I have come to really appreciate the little constants in life more than ever before.
I can't say I'm grateful for this experience. I really can't. At this point in my life, if someone asked me if I could go back and change things--if I would give up ever having been in a relationship with him, or falling in love with him, in exchange for all of the shit and heartbreak that came along with it ending--I'd do it in a heartbeat. They say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. And maybe that's true in some cases, and maybe it'll eventually be true for me. But at this point, I would give up falling in love in a heartbeat if I could go back to having the love of my friends; the ease with which we related to each other, not having to worry about our horrible past. And the contentment of before. I am happier now, it's true, but I constantly have to work at that happiness. It's not something that just comes naturally anymore. I have to make it happen by my own strength. And it's not easy. In truth, it wasn't just losing love that came along with the end of our relationship. It had a domino effect on my life, and I lost everything. And now, I have to struggle to regain my holding on a life that is already slipping away before my eyes. Most of us have just given up, and are just biding our time until college. And that is not the atmosphere to truly try and fix things in. Why repair something that you are going to have to give up soon anyway?
And when I think about how happy I was when I was with him, it just doesn't seem worth it. I can't really remember how I felt back then, and doesn't that say something in itself? This pain, I will always remember the pain. It will come back to me at random intervals in my life. Every time I think about November, or read old blog or journal entries, or listen to certain songs, the pain comes flooding back to me. The love? It never, ever does. Love doesn't linger near so much as pain.

But, I know that I cannot go back and change it. I know that what happened, happened, and all I can do now is try and move forward. And move forward is what I will do. I've been through hell, but I know I will emerge a stronger and better person.

30 Day Song Challenge!

On Facebook I started the 30-Day Song Challenge, and I want to post it on here too. I already did a few days of it, so this entry is gonna have a few, but here we go:

Day 3: A song that makes you happy
How could this song not make you smile? :)


Day 2: Your least favorite song
So stupid, and yet it still manages to get stuck in my head whenever I hear it. I hate this song. :P


Day 1: Your favorite song
This is and always will be my favorite song ever. :)

I wish I still had someone to complain to.

I desperately need to let these feelings out. This sadness, this anger, this regret. This fear and loneliness. But I don't have anyone to let them out to, anymore.

All my friends, they're tired of it. They're tired of me being sad. They're tired of my whining, or my troubles. They got tired of it a long time ago. And they try to act like they're understanding, but I can just sense the irritation.
And not only that, but they resent me. For so long, I put another person before them. I took them for granted, thinking they'd always be there. Thinking they'd always accept me, and be there for me when I needed them. But I was wrong.
And I guess I thought, as long as I had SOMEONE, I would be okay. But now, even the one person that I put before others, always. That I always treated the best I could, tried so hard to keep my image of a great person for. Even he got tired of me. Of my depression and angst. Of my need for attention.
And now, I'm alone. And who is there to listen to me anymore? Who can I talk to when I'm sad. I don't have anyone anymore. That's why I'm typing it into this blog. The people that I haven't talked much about my problems to yet, I am too concerned about keeping an image for. And the people who I used to be able to talk to about them, I am now too busy trying to impress.

That's right. The select few who actually got to know me for who I truly am as a person. Who I actually put down the wall for, and let in. Who I allowed my happiness to depend upon, like the idiot I am. They don't like the person they found when they tore away the facade. And so now, I have to work extra-hard, to put up a wall that is bigger and better than before. And it's so hard, considering I spend most of my time being miserable. Now, I have to act like I'm this fun, happy person. More than I ever did before. I have to try so much harder than the first time around. I have to pick up the bricks, build on additions, all while I am feeling so weak that I can barely lift up my own self.

And I wish things were different. I wish that I didn't have so much in my past to answer up to; stuff that would make me deserve this. I wish that I could truly be accepted for who I really am. Back when I was happy, people used to put me up on this pedestal. Build me up as this great person. And like an idiot, I actually started believing them. I actually started thinking that I really was a great person.
And then, I made the mistake of letting people in. I made the mistake of being myself, showing my flaws. And now, no one thinks I'm a great person. Everyone sees me for who I really am. And they don't like what they see. And I see it, too, and I don't like it.

I just feel so alone. And useless. And awful.

If living is the problem... well, that's just baffling.

Ohhhhhhhh, life.

As everyone knows, play auditions were this week.
And for the first time in my life, I felt like I did really well in my audition. For the first time, I felt really good about it, and confident that I would get a good role. For the first time in months, I was able to muster up a tiny little bit of hope and happiness.
And of course, it was crushed.

When I got home on Friday, I cried for an hour. That seems like an overreaction, right? I mean, it's just a play. And I still got a role. I should be okay with that, right?

But see, it wasn't just a play this time.

To fully understand what I mean, you need to know how I've been feeling lately. Think about the last time you felt truly happy, and how long ago it was. Five minutes? Five days?
For me, it's been five months.
Lately, every single day has been a struggle for me. I have to fight so hard just to find the will to get up in the morning. I've been trying so hard to be strong, for five months. Forcing on the pretense of happiness, while inside I'm screaming. I try to act like I'm okay. I try to be okay. But the truth is, I'm just not.
There is literally nothing that motivates me to live. I can't care about anything anymore. I've tried so hard. Everything that used to be important to me, just isn't anymore. I can't make it be important anymore. I can't make it evoke emotion in me. Nothing makes me happy anymore. And I can't manage to muster any ounce of hope for a better future. The life I see stretching before me is tainted with emptiness and misery. I have no reason to be here right now; no feelings tying me to this earth. I just don't have the willpower to keep on fighting anymore. I'm sick of it. It's just a constant struggle, all the time. For pretty much all of January, all I have wanted to do is die. I just want to be free from this constant pain. I want to be able to stop fighting, and give up. My will to live is practically nonexistent. The only thing that keeps me on this earth is my fear of dying. How sad is that? I'm too much of a coward to live, but I'm too much of a coward to die. And it makes me feel so trapped.
And among all this, there is an intense feeling of loneliness and isolation. I've tried talking to so many people, trying to get help. All I find is impatience and empty words. No one can possibly understand how this feels, so no one can make me feel better. And I can sense them getting sick of my whining. I have no one to talk to, and it makes me feel so very alone.
And all of these emotions, they're making me become a person that I never wanted to be. I think of who I used to be.... So happy and optimistic. So caring and concerned for everyone else around me. I used to be able to find the good in everyone and everything. I used to be able to keep smiling through any situation, no matter how hard things got. I used to be so cheerful that my happiness would just automatically rub off on everyone around me, and make them feel better. I used to be able to help others. I remember what my goal in life used to be: to be the type of person that would be willing to give up everything for someone else. To be the type of person that would do anything for someone else, even if it ended with nothing else left in my hands. I used to be a support system for so many people.
Now, I'm not even strong enough to support myself, let alone other people. When people come to me with their problems, I never know what to say anymore. In a past life, I would've told them that things will always get better. I would've given them great advice about a happier future, or about finding the good in bad situations. But now, I can't do that. I don't feel those things, so how can I peddle them to someone else? All I can do when someone says those things, is say "I understand." That's all I can do. And think of my own misery. And I wish I could go back to being the type of person that can help others, and wants to. Wants to. I don't want to anymore. Two of my friends, they were going through some relationship trouble recently. But then, their problems started getting better. Things got patched up with the other person. And they were happy again. And, I was happy for their happiness. I really was. But at the same time, I was upset. I finally felt like someone could understand what I was going through, and I was miserable thinking about how I was alone again. And I was bitter. I resented them for having the ability to work things out, and be with the person they want, when nothing will ever allow me to do that same thing. And it just made me feel so awful. It was that, more than anything, that made me wonder where the person I was had gone. The girl that used to be me, she would never, EVER resent someone else for their happiness. She'd never be so selfish. But that's all I am anymore. I'm so selfish. Because I don't have the energy or strength to be anything else. And this self that I'm so worried about, isn't even as good anymore as she used to be. That cheerful girl that used to bring happiness to others solely through her nature? She was broken along with my heart and spirit. Now, I'm just this boring, empty girl. The eyes that used to shine with energy and happiness are now dead and dull. The genuine smile that used to so often light up my face, now makes only rare appearances. It's been replaced by this fake, small smile, and even that only shows up on occasion. I'm becoming so boring. And sad. And instead of bringing happiness to others, I've just been bringing misery. And I hate myself.
And it doesn't help, when two of your best friends start to resent you over feelings you can't control. The two people who promised they'd never leave you, start drifting away. Because they don't understand. They don't understand that you aren't trying to put them second, and you aren't trying to be happier around him than you are around them, and that it's not your fault that you care about him more, and would always choose him over them. Because they haven't felt this. They don't understand. I never asked to feel this way. I wish I didn't feel this way. If I could stop caring about him more than anything or anyone else in the world, it would make my life so much easier. It would restore my hope, and allow me to care for others again. This would in turn grant me self-love and happiness. I wish I could just move on. But I can't. And it's not my fault.
So, to sum it up, my life this year has consisted of misery, hopelessness, carelessness, disappointment, self-hatred, and a constant sense of isolation.

But then, play auditions came along. And the audition was so fun. Being surrounded by these people, for the first time in months, I had a truly great time. For the first time in months, I felt happy. I felt great about my audition, and regained some amount of self-confidence for the first time. And, despite my logic telling me it was a horrible idea, I got a glimmer of hope. I thought there was a good chance of getting the part I wanted. And even if I didn't get that part, I was sure I'd at least finally get a good part. A part I was happy with. And I was finally looking forward to something, for the first time in so long.
And then, I saw the cast list. And then, I looked at my character. Child-services inspector, 29 lines. And those good feelings came crashing down, and everything crumbled. Once again, I was the only boring part amidst a cast of such fun characters. And my happiness and confidence came crashing down. Every year, during the play, I've had to constantly battle with feelings of insecurity and jealousy over parts. I've come home from play practice feeling like shit about myself because everyone else got to be on stage having fun, while I had to sit on the sidelines and watch. I've had to deal with feelings of self-hatred, not just over my apparent inability to act, but also over my jealousy and resentment of everyone who got better parts.
I was so excited to finally do a play without having to deal with all of that. But now, I am going to have to do all that again. And before, when I had other reasons to be happy, I could handle it. But now, I just can't. I'm going to spend my time feeling bitter and insecure and jealous, and hating myself more than ever.
And it sucks, when the first glimmer of hope and happiness you've had in months, gets crushed just like everything else in your life.
So no, it wasn't just a play audition. It was my chance at rebuilding myself, at making my life better again.
And now, it's gone.
And I just want to die.

I don't know what to say since this twist of fate when it all broke down.... The story of us seems a lot like a tragedy now.

Yayyy for broken computers! :D
I was going to actually have to do work today, because otherwise I'd fall behind. And I'd feel guilty if I was lazy and didn't work on my class, and fell behind. But luckily the library computers aren't letting me access my class, so I get to goof off without feeling guilty. :D Haha. I'll make it up this weekend. Or something. It's not hard to catch up. :)

My teeth hurt really, really badly. I thought I brought Tylenol this morning, but apparently I didn't. :P The pain is really distracting. Mrrrahhhhhhhh. I hate having braces. I feel like they make my smile look horrible. I can't wait until I get them off, and have nice straight teeth. I feel as though it will greatly improve my general appearance, since I smile so big and so often. I just can't wait to get them off. I feel like my teeth are straight enough now, so they should just take them off. Haha.

I feel like no one really understands me anymore. People never really understood me, but they used to have a general grasp of my thoughts and feelings, why I felt the way I did, how I felt, what I thought. They were able to sympathize. Now, no one is able to. Because no one knows how this feels. No matter how much I tell everyone how it feels, they'll never feel it. It doesn't help that most of my friends have not been truly in love, in the way I was. I feel like the only person who was able to understand that part of it was Eddie. What it's like to feel like you'll never love anyone else more. And the feeling that you will never find anyone more meant to be with you. It's just so frustrating, because I've said all of this before. And no one understands. Right now, I'm running at... I'd say like 80% of my total possible happiness. Which, you know, isn't bad. I've been pretty happy lately. Life gets stressful sometimes, but that's normal. I'm not totally overwhelmed with stress, and it's been pretty chill. And I'm pretty happy. But I'm not very happy. I feel like he is the only person who can make me 100% happy. Maybe in the future, I will be with someone. And I will fall in love with them. And I'm sure I'll love them very, very much. Maybe they can manage 95% happy. Which, you know, is good. But it's not 100%.

And I know, not everyone reaches the point of 100% happiness, at any point in time. I know I'm pretty fortunate in life, and that I have the chance to have a very nice life. 95% happiness is not bad. I just wish I didn't know that 100% would be possible, if I had him.

Even after two months, I guess it still hasn't TRULY set in that he will never, ever be mine. I mean, obviously I know that he won't. It's not that I think a miracle will happen, and he will be able to randomly make the decision that he's straight, and we'll be able to be together forever, growing old in love and mutual happiness. I KNOW that it isn't possible. But my mind and body refuse to accept it. I still can't shake the ever-present knowledge of how happy I'd be with him. My life would be exceptional, and amazing, if I could only be with him. And as much as I know it's not possible, I can't stop thinking about it. And I can't stop wanting it. And that is why I think I will never be truly happy with someone else. I will ALWAYS be wishing it was him. And I will always be thinking about the life I COULD'VE had with him, and comparing it with the life I have with someone else. And it will never be as good.

I know everyone will say it's only been two months. And that I'll eventually be with someone else, who will make me just as happy. But they just don't get it. And those same people are reading this right now, and rolling their eyes or not really believing me, or thinking of all the reasons why things won't be like that. But, it's because they can't possibly understand. They can't possibly feel what I am feeling.

And it's not even that I'm sad. I'm not sad. I stopped being sad. It's not that. I'm happy and content. I just know that this is how things will always be. And I know that this is how my life will go. I've accepted it, and I'm okay with it. Of course it will always be a little annoying that it is, but whatever. I'll just have to be as happy as I possibly can be, and that's what I intend to do. It is not like I'll be miserable forever or anything. I just won't ever be truly happy. I'm okay with it.

It makes sense to me that this happened, honestly. How often do people really get to spend a life like that, with someone they'd do anything for and love more than anything, and who will always make them happy no matter what? I'd say it probably happens once every 6 million people. If that. That's why people make movies about it. If it happened in real life, would we really want to watch a movie about it? It'd be like watching a movie about people eating nachos. We are entertained by movies because it's stuff that's exceptional; stuff that doesn't happen.
I always wondered what I did to deserve one of those rare relationships. And why I, of anyone, got the happiness that people so rarely get. I haven't done anything exceptional with my life. I'm not anything particularly great. It never made sense to me that I got to be so happy. So, this makes sense to me. Now my life is what everyone else's is; it's not anything particularly, exceptionally, one-in-a-million amazing. It's just life. And all I can do now is make myself as happy as I can be with this average life. People don't get a life like that. I'm just happy I got to experience it at all. At least fate gave me that. I got a year of happiness that one person in every million people ever feels; what will always be the best year of my life.

Is it your fear of being buried that makes you so afraid to speak?

Mannnn, I do not feel like doing work today.

I've had three study halls so far today, and I am pretty proud to say that I worked through all of them. So I think I can give myself a day off, when I'm totally caught up on everything. :)

You know what's worse than others losing respect for you? When you lose respect for yourself. Lately I have just been respecting myself less and less every day.
I mean, I used to be pretty proud of who I was as a person. I used to see myself as selfless, caring, logical, rational, and careful. I thought out decisions before I made them. I considered other people's feelings before I did anything, and made choices for others rather than myself. I was smart about my choices, and didn't ever regret them. I was proud of the choices I made in life.
Now, I'm not so sure.
I feel like ever since Josh dumped me, I've been so goddamn stupid. The decisions I make are so selfish. All I ever do anymore is hurt people. I just feel like I've been making such foolish choices, doing things without thinking them through. And it always turns out wrong, and makes everything more complicated.
I'm growing to hate myself. I see myself through everyone else's eyes, and I look like such a stupid, thoughtless teenage girl. I look like someone who doesn't care about anyone's feelings except her own. And I'm beginning to see it in myself, too.

I want to tell myself that I really have considered others in my decision making. I want to tell myself that I wasn't being selfish; that I was doing everything for what I thought was the best. But that's just not true. I could justify the things I did, but in the end, they were all for myself. I've been so thoughtless and stupid. In satisfying my selfish wants, I have hurt so many people. And more will be still to come.

I told everyone about Josh's secret. And why? Sure, it was an emotional situation, and I did need the advice and help. But, why should that make me tell four people? Shouldn't one or two be enough? Sure, for the most part, I did it to gain advice and consolation. But I can't deny that there was a part of me--a tiny, miniscule part, but it was still there--that was doing it for revenge. Out of anger. Part of me was mad at him for what he did to me. That part of me that felt hurt and betrayed and furious. And that part of me felt relief in telling so powerful a secret. It was my one way to get back at him. He did all that to me; why shouldn't I be allowed to do this one little thing to him? I felt like since he'd broken my heart so badly, I had every right to tell.
Of course, I never meant for it to get so out of hand. I wanted the four people I told to know, and no one else. But all along I had the sense of foreboding, that it was inevitable that it would get out. But I drowned out my subconscious's small, selfless warning with my selfish whims. And that is why I hate myself so much for doing that.

Then there's Alsatia. Alsatia, who stayed with me through two months of Hell on Earth. Who guided me through the worst time of my life. And how did I repay her? With coldness, and ridicule, and thoughtlessness. I stopped listening to her, and I blew her off. I was cold and insulting. She came to me with problems, but I was too self-absorbed to pay any mind to her. It was all about me, my problems, my life, my feelings.

But none of that compares to what I did to Emma. I tried to justify myself in what I did. And for some reason, I honestly thought what I was doing was okay. I guess she had just been so irrational, and angry, and cold for so long, that I didn't think her feelings deserved much thought. I felt bad that it would cause her pain, but it was a vague pang of conscience. To be honest, I felt like maybe she would partly deserve what she got, for all the pain and drama she had caused to my friends and within this group. What stupid, selfish, disgusting thoughts. It wasn't until she got back, and I saw that she was handling the situation in such a mature way. She didn't act cold to me, or yell, or cry, or anything. She just looked so... empty. And then it hit me. Not until then did I put myself in her place. I imagined how I would've felt if she started dating Josh less than a month after he broke up with me. I couldn't imagine anything more painful. And only then, after the deed was done, did it hit me. No one deserves that kind of pain. And even if someone did, who am I to decide that they deserve it? That's not my right; it's not up to me. I should never, ever have done that to her. Anyone who is truly caring and selfless would never do that to a friend, no matter how long it had been since they've been close, or what that friend had done in the past.

But I am not. I am selfish. I am selfish and unthinking and wrong. I will never, ever be able to forgive myself for what I did to her, even though she was gracious enough to forgive me. And I hate myself. I hate myself for everything that I have done in the past two and a half months. And for the pain it caused everyone, and has yet still to cause. I hate myself for these stupid decisions, rushed into without considering the consequences, without considering how it would affect the people around me. My self-respect has been so damaged, and the respect everyone else had for me. And soon, it will be even more. After reading this, I feel like everyone will be disillusioned. Even the people I love. I don't think they'll abandon me, but everyone will realize how little I really deserve their esteem. People, I feel, have the tendency to put me up on a pedestal. They see me as this great person, so deserving of the utmost respect, so much kinder and more caring than others. And now, they will know. They will know that I am so much less than I pretend to be. That I don't deserve anymore respect than anyone else, and in all likelihood I deserve less. Taylor has seen that. I can tell in the way she looks at me, that she sees me as beneath her. She sees me for who I really am, now. And all her respect is lost.

I guess there is nothing to do now except to accept the fact that I will lose people. To accept the fact that I've made so many mistakes, and that they have and will hurt everyone I love. I think I'm about to hit something like rock-bottom. And after that, I'll have nowhere to go but up. It's time to get myself to that point, so I can move on, and start again towards my goal of becoming the person I want to be. The person I've aspired to be. I feel like now that I see what it's like to make so many mistakes, I can do it better than ever before. This time, it can be genuine.

I'm sorry to everyone that I hurt. I know that that an apology, words, mean nothing. But I promise in the future I will show it with my actions. I will do my best to make it up. Maybe I never will be able to. I understand if I can't. But I will try.

And I can't see why you'd want to live here.

Siiiiiigh.

So, I'm sitting here in my online class again. I'm still a few assignments ahead, but I'd prefer to be working on things so that I can stay ahead. I'm in the mood for it today. But I can't work on anything, because the stupid school computers have the programs needed to play the sound files blocked. Normally it's okay because I can go down to a computer in Mrs. Dodge's office that doesn't have anything blocked, but today she's not here. And so here I am, blogging.

I guess I could work on it this weekend. I had a precalc test today (which I am feeling not at all confident about), and we watched a video in history, and we have a test in econ, so hopefully I can get away with no homework! :D That will be amazing. And it's a three-day weekend. So I'll have time to work on my class, as long as I don't get lazy and decide not to do it. XD

It's weird how I've gone back to floating through life again. I haven't felt this way since freshman year. It's like, being numb. I am just kinda drifting by, without really caring about stuff. I guess life just seems kinda surreal, like I'm going through the motions without really experiencing it. It's not good or bad. It's just there.

I think school is a big part of it. I feel like things just keep getting harder, and school is consuming my life. I go to school for the grand majority of the day, I come home and get on facebook for a couple hours, I shower, do homework, go to bed. Every day it's the same routine filled with stress and headaches and laziness. And I feel like it keeps getting more and more mundane. There used to seem to be at least a little variety, but now it seems like there is none. It's just doing the same exact things over and over again.

And it's winter. Which just makes it worse. It's too cold to go outside or do anything. I've been getting so restless lately. I want to do something, or change something. I wish I could go for a run, or rollerblade, or exercise. What really sounds nice right now is taking my dog on a really long walk. I enjoy walking my dog. I can turn on some good music and get lost in thought. I can do that without walking, but it's not the same. Walking helps me think. It gives me a sense of purpose, like I'm actually going somewhere. And I can take in different surroundings, and be active. I miss that. I want to go on a really long bike ride, out into the country. I used to do that with my sister over the summer, and it was always so amazing. You feel really good when you're done. Your legs burn and your chest hurts, but you feel like you accomplished something. And it's beautiful out there.
But I can't do any of those things, because it's too goddamn cold. I can't add any variety to my repetitive days. And it just makes me feel like things are pointless. I just sit at home and eat all the time. I have gained so much weight, I feel disgusting. But there is nothing else to do. So I just eat.

I am just so stir-crazy. I think everyone else feels it too. I feel like everyone around me has gotten a lot less lively. They're all so apathetic and spiritless and insipid. And it just makes me feel all the more uninterested in everything around me. I don't remember the last time we all got really excited about something, or had an exceptionally fun time together. I mean, I have fun, but it's all just chill. Nothing is energetic or invigorating. And I wish I could do something or go somewhere. I have never wanted a vacation more. I want to go somewhere warm, and I want to explore. I want to go hiking in a forest or swim in the ocean or scale a cliff. Or something. Just anything other than this. Anything different.

I hate the word boring. But that's what life has been lately. It's boring. Everything and everyone is low-key, low-spirited, low-energy. And it's just so boring.

But, I really shouldn't complain. I mean, I really am lucky. There is no major drama going on, and I have amazing friends, and I receive everything I ask for. Not that I deserve it. I feel like I'm getting progressively worse as a person. I hurt people and say and do things without caring about the feelings of the people around me. My redeeming qualities have been in hiding. And I'm getting less attractive as time goes on. But, despite all of that, I have people who are always there for me, and who love me. I get the things I want. And I should be thankful for that.

La la, how the life goes on.

I am ahead in my online class. By like a week. So here I am, blogging instead of working. :D

I feel like I lucked out, as far as virtual classes go. I was super stressed about it, but mine is really easy. I'm ahead a week, just by working through every class period. The instructor is great. She's really helpful and nice and responsive. And I actually feel like I'm learning stuff. I get this sense of pride when I can look at entire lengthy conversations in French and know exactly what they're saying. :D

Life has been life lately. Not exceedingly fantastic, but not particularly horrible. There are some things I'm worried about, but they're minor worries. Overall things have been good, and I'm enjoying the peace. :)

It's kind of crazy how much things can change within one month, and then settle down in the next. Alsatia and I always seem to find ourselves going through this cycle. We'll have a month or so of pure insanity, in which a ton of totally unexpected things happen and life becomes extremely crazy and stressful. But then, no matter how much it seems like things will never be alright again, and that I will never be able to relax again, it stops. All evidence to the contrary, life inevitably works itself out within a couple months. And then we have this. This calm before the next storm. It's crazy to think about what could happen next. Everything I could and couldn't imagine seems to have happened, and I can't fathom what else life could possibly throw at me. I just hope that it's not a death or something next time.

If Alsatia had any say, it would be pregnancy. XD She really wants someone to get pregnant. Or at least a pregnancy scare. All so she can be right. XD Silly girl.

I only have like a few more minutes left in which to right. That's okay though, since this blog has been pretty pointless in general. :D

Today is JMCT! :D How exciting is that. It has been far too long since I've enjoyed seeing Audrey's beautiful face, and devouring her delicious drinks. :D And by that I mean, it's been a week. XD

The play is coming up soon. It's craziness. I really hope I get in, but there is the legitimate fear that I won't. I feel like there aren't as many girl roles as usual, and Dakota and Jenna are pretty much guaranteed two of them since they're seniors and they're really good actors. I feel like I was more confident in my acting abilities before I watched myself act. I look so awkward on stage when I move. XD Oh well. At least now I know what I need to work on. Hopefully I can improve enough to get in. :D

Anyway, the bell's gonna ring soon, so I'm off.

Ja ne!