I don't know what to say since this twist of fate when it all broke down.... The story of us seems a lot like a tragedy now.

Yayyy for broken computers! :D
I was going to actually have to do work today, because otherwise I'd fall behind. And I'd feel guilty if I was lazy and didn't work on my class, and fell behind. But luckily the library computers aren't letting me access my class, so I get to goof off without feeling guilty. :D Haha. I'll make it up this weekend. Or something. It's not hard to catch up. :)

My teeth hurt really, really badly. I thought I brought Tylenol this morning, but apparently I didn't. :P The pain is really distracting. Mrrrahhhhhhhh. I hate having braces. I feel like they make my smile look horrible. I can't wait until I get them off, and have nice straight teeth. I feel as though it will greatly improve my general appearance, since I smile so big and so often. I just can't wait to get them off. I feel like my teeth are straight enough now, so they should just take them off. Haha.

I feel like no one really understands me anymore. People never really understood me, but they used to have a general grasp of my thoughts and feelings, why I felt the way I did, how I felt, what I thought. They were able to sympathize. Now, no one is able to. Because no one knows how this feels. No matter how much I tell everyone how it feels, they'll never feel it. It doesn't help that most of my friends have not been truly in love, in the way I was. I feel like the only person who was able to understand that part of it was Eddie. What it's like to feel like you'll never love anyone else more. And the feeling that you will never find anyone more meant to be with you. It's just so frustrating, because I've said all of this before. And no one understands. Right now, I'm running at... I'd say like 80% of my total possible happiness. Which, you know, isn't bad. I've been pretty happy lately. Life gets stressful sometimes, but that's normal. I'm not totally overwhelmed with stress, and it's been pretty chill. And I'm pretty happy. But I'm not very happy. I feel like he is the only person who can make me 100% happy. Maybe in the future, I will be with someone. And I will fall in love with them. And I'm sure I'll love them very, very much. Maybe they can manage 95% happy. Which, you know, is good. But it's not 100%.

And I know, not everyone reaches the point of 100% happiness, at any point in time. I know I'm pretty fortunate in life, and that I have the chance to have a very nice life. 95% happiness is not bad. I just wish I didn't know that 100% would be possible, if I had him.

Even after two months, I guess it still hasn't TRULY set in that he will never, ever be mine. I mean, obviously I know that he won't. It's not that I think a miracle will happen, and he will be able to randomly make the decision that he's straight, and we'll be able to be together forever, growing old in love and mutual happiness. I KNOW that it isn't possible. But my mind and body refuse to accept it. I still can't shake the ever-present knowledge of how happy I'd be with him. My life would be exceptional, and amazing, if I could only be with him. And as much as I know it's not possible, I can't stop thinking about it. And I can't stop wanting it. And that is why I think I will never be truly happy with someone else. I will ALWAYS be wishing it was him. And I will always be thinking about the life I COULD'VE had with him, and comparing it with the life I have with someone else. And it will never be as good.

I know everyone will say it's only been two months. And that I'll eventually be with someone else, who will make me just as happy. But they just don't get it. And those same people are reading this right now, and rolling their eyes or not really believing me, or thinking of all the reasons why things won't be like that. But, it's because they can't possibly understand. They can't possibly feel what I am feeling.

And it's not even that I'm sad. I'm not sad. I stopped being sad. It's not that. I'm happy and content. I just know that this is how things will always be. And I know that this is how my life will go. I've accepted it, and I'm okay with it. Of course it will always be a little annoying that it is, but whatever. I'll just have to be as happy as I possibly can be, and that's what I intend to do. It is not like I'll be miserable forever or anything. I just won't ever be truly happy. I'm okay with it.

It makes sense to me that this happened, honestly. How often do people really get to spend a life like that, with someone they'd do anything for and love more than anything, and who will always make them happy no matter what? I'd say it probably happens once every 6 million people. If that. That's why people make movies about it. If it happened in real life, would we really want to watch a movie about it? It'd be like watching a movie about people eating nachos. We are entertained by movies because it's stuff that's exceptional; stuff that doesn't happen.
I always wondered what I did to deserve one of those rare relationships. And why I, of anyone, got the happiness that people so rarely get. I haven't done anything exceptional with my life. I'm not anything particularly great. It never made sense to me that I got to be so happy. So, this makes sense to me. Now my life is what everyone else's is; it's not anything particularly, exceptionally, one-in-a-million amazing. It's just life. And all I can do now is make myself as happy as I can be with this average life. People don't get a life like that. I'm just happy I got to experience it at all. At least fate gave me that. I got a year of happiness that one person in every million people ever feels; what will always be the best year of my life.