Memories of love will be the only warmth we'll have in the end.

"I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're sad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me. Even if they're memories I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that, because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's okay to forget."
"Yes, me too. I want to take any memory, and hold it in my heart, and believe that... so I can be someone who won't let those memories defeat me. Someday, we'll overcome the pain, and we'll have precious memories."

It was this exchange from Fruits Basket that inspired this entry. For so long, I have been caught up in negativity. I only remember the bad; the good has been too painful to think about. You would think it would be the opposite, but the reason the good is so sad is because it is gone and I know things will never be the same again. And thinking about the good makes me miss the way things used to be. I don't know if doing this will be good or bad for me, but I know that I'm tired of running away. And who knows? It might be good for me. I haven't been truly happy in 7 months; I can't recall how it feels anymore. I want to remember what it was like when I was happy; I want to remember that it's possible to feel that way. And instead of running from those memories, and denying them, and forcing them out of my head, I want to accept them. I want to hold them in my heart and appreciate them, and move on from them peacefully.

So, let us begin: a list of great memories, from when I used to be happy. They aren't going to be in a particular order; just as they come to me. And I'm not worried about making them sound logical; it's really just for me, so I'm writing it in the form that my mind hands them to me. *I tried to use pronouns at first, but the memories come to me in "you were" form, and it's too much effort converting them into "he/she was" form. These memories involve many different people, but I'm not being specific on who. Most can probably be guessed; some maybe not. It's not just one person though.*

-the moment he told me he liked me; when I went into shock, and then threw my arms around him, telling him the feeling was mutual. Everyone cheered in the background.
-the first time we held hands "like boyfriend and girlfriend", on the last night of Cinderella, when we were getting in the big cast circle. Shy and awkward, yet nice.
-the feeling of his arms around me, his hands in mine, his body encircling me; the feeling of safety, joy, and contentment that that used to give me
-the time at the county fair when we were waiting to go on the ride, and I turned my face up and looked at him. The stars were behind him and the lights of the fair made his face glow, and we kissed.
-the first time he kissed me in public: standing in front of the Things Brewed counter, surrounded by some random friends of Audrey.... He had his arms wrapped around me, and mine were around him, and he just leaned in and kissed me.
-Christmas party 2009, when everyone else was going crazy in truth or dare and kissing each other. I was half-asleep, and you just held me. And it was warm and safe and so very nice. Later that night, when we were saying goodbye, I was dead on my feet. And you gave me this look of adoration and gentleness, and you said in a soft voice, "You're sleepy, aren't you?"
-the look of gentleness you'd always get in your eyes as we kissed, or when you were telling me you loved me
-the way you used to laugh at me out of endearment, admiring all the funny little things I did
-the concert on November 13, sitting in Jeremiah's car and talking, finding out Logan liked me and making things incredibly embarrassing
-walking around town together in the summer heat, laughing and talking, sitting at our favorite bench
-the time we got busted "smoking weed" on the railroad tracks by the cop who stalks me
-the time we got busted being out past curfew to go to the playground, also by cop who stalks me
-the intense duels we had with Nerf swords with the guys, in the playground as it got dark on that summer day
-chair-throwing competitions
-watching you interact with my family and come to love them, eating dinner together and laughing
-cupcakes that dyed our mouths blue and blowing bubbles
-laying in your driveway in either early fall or late summer, just talking. it was so peaceful.
-spending the night on the balcony in Florida, staying up until about 3 am talking, and then you trying to help me get down the stairs only to find that the door to go inside was "locked"
-the time you took a picture of my feet. I don't remember why you did, but I'm fairly sure that I asked you a billion times to delete it, and you never did. XD
-sitting on my porch on hot summer evenings, watching the sun go down and listening to Vanilla Twilight, thinking of you and missing you
-chucking an army man off a parking garage and winning Sir Chester Pinkerton III
-trying to decide if Sir Chester Pinkerton III should be Sir Chester Pinkerton III or Sir Chester Pinkerton VII
-the time we were all standing in a group by the stop sign, and you had your arms around me. No one was paying attention, so I kissed you on the jaw, and then the cheek, and then finally on your lips. And of course Cody Davis had to follow up with "EWWWW!" XD
-the first day I got to see you after you got back from Europe
-the way we used to laugh and smile and talk and just enjoy each other's company, all of us
-sitting on my front porch on a late summer day, my head in your lap and you stroking my hair, discussing our completely opposite tastes in food
-chilling out in my car when I decided to walk on the ceiling and honk the steering wheel horn with my butt
-having to wait FOREVER to get a table at Applebee's for Gareth's(?) birthday
-sitting on my couch watching Tyra
-wrestling around on my couch with two gingers who could not keep their hands off of each other XD
-Phillippe
-meeting Jedward and his friend at JMC
-getting kicked out of the Meijer lounge
-when we used to be like sisters, and you practically lived at my house, and you knew me better than I knew myself, and we always had fun laughing at being crazy together
-discovering our song
-when we used to believe that we'd always be in each other's lives, and you used to count me as a life-long friend
-when we used to think that as long as we had each other, we could handle anything
-playing Mario Kart
-when we used to tell each other everything
-when I used to know you better than you knew yourself
-the art festival
-when I made you my young grasshopper, and taught you "lessons"
-the time in Nashville when I had hurt myself in some way, so you asked if I wanted you to kiss it and make it better. And right there on the bus, I was just like, "yes." So you kissed me on the head, and it was incredibly sweet.
-when hanging out together made both of us so happy that dates were never necessary, and it was always amazing
-how I used to be the most important person in your life
-how happy I used to make you
-how happy I used to make everyone
-when we used to be best friends
-getting dragged across the soccer field in the snow
-making you be Lisa Jones so we could see if siblings could marry on facebook
-when we used to be perfect for each other
-when your smile used to brighten my entire day
-when your mood and mine used to automatically synchronize
-when I used to be so important to you
-running like crazy people to the car after almost getting beat up, and you screaming "I CAN'T DEFEND ALL OF YOU!"
-me having to go and open the door to my car so the light would come on, because you were afraid of the dark
-the time we almost died driving home from the mall because it was raining SO hard
-when you were leaving for Europe, and I got you a giant bag of Skittles even though I hate them, and watched your face light up
-playing in the ocean together
-when you three used to be my entire support system, and I didn't have to just depend on myself
-ARM-RAM plus Joshua
-the birth of ARM-RAM, where we layed in the snow on the playground for at least a half hour, just talking and keeping each other warm
-spelling out ARM-RAM in the snow
-Valentine's Day 2010, watching POTC and receiving the best gift ever: Asparagus
-decorating Phillippe together, and needing Josh to come because he was the only one tall enough to reach the high branches
-cooking dinner with Marc and Alsatia, and Marc not understanding the concept of "pouring gradually"
-a snowball fight of epic proportions in which I got hit in the eyes
-seeing you play Dearly Beloved and To Zanarkand on the piano, and nearly melting into a puddle
-making pictures with crayons and paint
-all the big events, and all the little times in between. all the smiles and glances, all the times you made my heart race, all the laughs and talks.

If the perfect spring is waiting somewhere, just take me there.

I really should be doing homework right now. But I've been desperate to blog.... I know there are only like two people who read this blog, and they're the two that I'm not sure I'd want them to see this one. But, I need an outlet to explain myself, and this blog is the best place to do it. I'd put it on private if I knew how, but I don't. And there is too much to handwrite, and I don't want to put it in some random document. It's just not the same.

The best thing to do might be to avoid reading this at all. If you do read it, please don't let it negatively affect the way we relate to each other. These feelings are my own, and I will deal with them on my own. Don't worry about them.

In the past week, I have gone a little crazy. Intense feelings of rejection and feeling left out. And I didn't deal with them like I should've. Instead of moving past them internally, as is the best course, I freaked out and just hurt the people around me and pushed them away from me. And the truth is, I was in the wrong. I was being jealous, and selfish, and stupid.

Last night, I stayed up really late talking to a wise friend of mine. And during that conversation, I realized something. The whole time, I truly believed I was in the right: that I felt left out by both parties, and that I felt like I was getting left behind. And while that may've been true, the way I dealt with it wasn't the right way to deal with it. Because Alsatia and Josh were right. In the back of my mind, I knew the real reason I felt and acted this way. But I fought against it; pushed it into my subconscious.

But it started to come to the forefront. In truth, I realized, I was just being a spoiled little child. In my mind, it was like I was a five-year-old whose favorite blanket--one I'd had since I was a baby, and loved with all my heart--had been given away. And I was mad to lose that blanket, and resented the other kid that got to have it. Like I say, stupid and jealous. In my mind, that is how it was. But then I realized that baby blankets can't talk or think or have free will. And I'd been going about things in the entirely wrong way. People aren't blankets, and they can make their own choices. You can't resent the person who gets the blanket, if the blanket chose on its own to go to them. And in the same way, you can't force anyone or anything with free will to stay with you. Trying to control them--trying to make them stay--it just leads to a greater yearning for freedom. It just pushes them away.

So, I'm done trying to force anything. And I'm done resenting people who have done absolutely nothing wrong. It's just ridiculous and unbecoming.

And it hurts. It hurts to let go. I miss it every day that it's gone--that love, that bond. As much as I delude myself into thinking that I don't want it, the truth is that I do. That love, and that happiness that the love brought me. It's not even that I want to be with him; I don't. I just want him. I want to be the most important person in his life, besides his significant other. I want to be his very best friend. I tried for a long time to convince myself that I didn't, and for awhile it seemed to be working. I told myself that I didn't care as much, and tried to dull my feelings. I told myself that I could be okay with being less important. I told myself that I could make him less important to me. But the truth came out in the end. It's like Eddie said: "I don't think we ever stop loving someone. We only learn to move on and love again, though the feeling stays."

There is part of me that wants to distance myself from him as much as possible. I know that it would be the best way to move on. And if we weren't so involved in each other's lives, that is probably what I would do. But we are. I see him every class period, we have all the same friends, we do all the same things. It's absolutely impossible to get away from him unless I specifically put my energy into avoiding him, but when the opportunity is there to be around him it hurts too much to avoid him. And avoiding him would honestly take so much energy. And besides, there is also that part that wants to be close to him. That wants him in my life, no matter at what level. Even if we can't be best friends. That part of me that just wants him there. That is the part of me that makes it hurt so badly. It is the part of me that causes the jealousness, and the bitterness, and the melancholy attitudes. It is the reason that I cry regularly, in the school library, in bathroom stalls, in my shower, in my bed, sitting in front of my computer. It is what prevents me from becoming a great person again. I hate this part of me, a lot. If I could get rid of it, I would. But I can't. Not with the way things stand. When I get out there on my own, away from this small town with these people that are attached to so many memories, and when I love someone new, these feelings will fade. I believe that is when I will truly be able to let these intense feelings go. And then I will be able to improve myself again. Then I will be able to become a better person again. Then I will be happy again. And it is at that point that I will be able to have a healthy relationship with Josh again, rather than the parasitic and dysfunctional one that is currently sucking the life out of the love we used to share. Sadly, though, by that time our bond will probably be long dead. As much as I wish it weren't so, I've come to accept it.

But in the meantime, I will cope. There are little things that will help me keep my sanity. Music, books. I honestly think it will start getting a lot better once the weather starts getting nicer. It's hard for me to feel very depressed on a warm, sunny day.

Alsatia, if you read this.... I'm sorry. I broke my promise. I guess we all knew I would. :P

And I've cried, and you'd think I'd feel better for it. But the sadness just sleeps, and it stays in my spine for the rest of my life.

I hate this. I hate not being able to go a month without crying. I hate that I can't even count the amount of times I've broken down this year. And I hate that there is no one I can turn to about it.

Life sucks. Life really, really, really sucks.

For awhile, I thought I was turning things around. And I am less depressed than I was before. But why am I crying right now?

I can feel you slipping away right now. I really can. And I don't like it at all. I know we've been arguing lately. And I hate it. And I'm sorry I get upset so easily, and can be overbearing, and that I feel so easily neglected. And I'm sorry we cope in different ways.

But please, PLEASE don't let this tear us apart. You are the only person who has been my best friend through EVERYTHING. I don't want to be with you anymore; you know I don't want that. And I don't put you up on a pedestal anymore, I really don't. But I can't bear the idea of losing you. It's not just our relationship as a couple. It's everything. It's being best friends since eighth grade. It's how happy we have the ability to make each other. It's our past, and our present, and our future. I wasn't lying when I said I want to be best friends forever.

I don't want to take a break from you. We haven't taken a break from each other for five years, and I don't want to now. We know each other SO well. Sometimes I feel like I know you better than you know yourself. We've seen each other grow up, and we've seen each other at our worst, and we've seen each other at our best. And you're the only person I can say that about. Maybe it's not what you want, but you are still so extremely important to me, and losing you will just tear me apart. I've lost everyone else. Please not you too. I care so very much about you.

I just wish that I knew you felt the same about me. If I knew that, then I could stop falling apart. But it's so hard. I feel like you're slipping away from me. And it's awful.

I resent her for getting to have you, too. I resent how you look forward to seeing her so much, and how everything she does makes you so happy, and how you compliment her all the time. That is how we used to be, you and I. But now it's all fucked up. And she is replacing me. And I can't help but feel resentful about it. She's replacing me, who has been with you for so many years. And she gets appreciation for everything she does so easily, when I did so much for you and barely got any. I just don't see how it's fair.

And it's not your fault. And it's not her fault. But it's what is happening. And I hate it. I just want you back. I want to feel like you're my best friend. I want to feel like you want me to be your best friend. I want to feel like you want me at all. And I don't right now. I feel like you're tolerating me. Or I feel like you do care, but not enough that you'd really be bothered if you didn't have me anymore. You could be happy with all your other friends, and not even notice my absence. And that is what I hate the most. The feeling that you wouldn't even care if I left; that you don't even want me to stay.

Please, someone. Anyone.
Give me a reason to stay. Ask me to stay. Tell me you want me to stay. That is all I want.
I just want someone to need me.

There is nothing I know, except a lifetime's one moment and wishing will just leave you empty.

Hello, blog!

Mannnn, it has been time. Time has passed, and stuff. You know what I mean?
It's kind of dumb, the fact that it is show week, and of course on the day we just have a normal rehearsal I have no homework. I mean, it's awesome, but I really wish I could work ahead. I'd like to have the reading in history. Oh, I'm also not registered for my next class yet, so I had to register today, which is kind of lame. I was really hoping to get a ton of work done today and get ahead on my online class since I had nothing else to do, so I wouldn't have to worry about it later in the week when things were more stressful. But it's really whatever. Can one really complain about having no homework? Haha. I will catch up on my sleep tonight, hopefully.

Lately I've been feeling better about life. I'm kind of just done getting upset over stuff. I have gotten really good at distancing myself from situations, and forcing myself to get over things and be happy. I'm proud of myself, and think I'm being really strong. That sounds conceited, and a certain person probably wouldn't agree with me, but I don't care. I've learned to see him like everyone else. I've learned to get annoyed with him at times when I'd get annoyed with most people, rather than just feel upset and blame myself for his idiocy. I do instead what he used to do every time I'd get upset at him, and talk to other people and keep being happy despite him. It's really good for me. It honestly is.
I've gotten really good at making myself happy. It's a good thing. "If I can't learn to make myself feel better, how can I expect anyone else to give a shit?"
And sure, sometimes it gets to me, and I end up cracking. But I recover a lot more quickly than I used to. Last night, he was mad at me, but instead of sulking about it all night and crying in the shower like I normally would, I just got over it. I moved on and did other things to distract myself, and I ended up feeling better. And sure, today during precalculus I broke down and started sobbing in the handicapped bathroom, but by the middle of history I was fine. I'm getting better and better at distancing myself from his emotions, and not letting them affect me like they used to. And it's so, so good for me. Of course it still bothers me that he is upset at me and won't even talk to me about it, and yet also won't just get over it, but it doesn't ruin my entire day like it used to.
There are more people in the world than just him. And more things to do. There is Alsatia and Micaela and Dakota and Jenna and a ton of other people that I can talk to and that can make me feel better. And there is music to listen to, and there are walks to take, and there are things to watch. It really was exhausting when my life revolved around him. And it's nice that it doesn't anymore.
I'm also extremely glad the weather has been getting nicer lately. Honestly, it has lifted my spirits so much more than anything else. I feel like a sunny climate minimalizes my constant need and desperate cry for support and attention from my friends. When the weather is nice, I don't need anything except my two legs, my dog, and my iPod. I can literally just sit out on the porch in the sun for hours, listening to music, and by the time I go inside I will feel so happy. And then there is exercise to be had, which makes me feel amazing. It's really helping me become more independent and move on from all the nastiness in my past. Of course, I still love my friends and want to do stuff with people, but if I've learned anything this year it's that letting your happiness depend on other people is ALWAYS a mistake. You need to find things that you can do to make yourself happy, and I have found that in books and music and sunlight and exercise. All of these things, they will always be there for me. They are constant, and will never change or leave unless I want them to. Well, besides sunlight, but the sun always eventually returns. And I have certainty in the fact that it is going to. These little sure things, these things that I know I can depend on, these certainties, they are what keeps me going. After facing a year of huge change and uncertainty, and being let down by almost everyone I'd come to depend on, I have come to really appreciate the little constants in life more than ever before.
I can't say I'm grateful for this experience. I really can't. At this point in my life, if someone asked me if I could go back and change things--if I would give up ever having been in a relationship with him, or falling in love with him, in exchange for all of the shit and heartbreak that came along with it ending--I'd do it in a heartbeat. They say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. And maybe that's true in some cases, and maybe it'll eventually be true for me. But at this point, I would give up falling in love in a heartbeat if I could go back to having the love of my friends; the ease with which we related to each other, not having to worry about our horrible past. And the contentment of before. I am happier now, it's true, but I constantly have to work at that happiness. It's not something that just comes naturally anymore. I have to make it happen by my own strength. And it's not easy. In truth, it wasn't just losing love that came along with the end of our relationship. It had a domino effect on my life, and I lost everything. And now, I have to struggle to regain my holding on a life that is already slipping away before my eyes. Most of us have just given up, and are just biding our time until college. And that is not the atmosphere to truly try and fix things in. Why repair something that you are going to have to give up soon anyway?
And when I think about how happy I was when I was with him, it just doesn't seem worth it. I can't really remember how I felt back then, and doesn't that say something in itself? This pain, I will always remember the pain. It will come back to me at random intervals in my life. Every time I think about November, or read old blog or journal entries, or listen to certain songs, the pain comes flooding back to me. The love? It never, ever does. Love doesn't linger near so much as pain.

But, I know that I cannot go back and change it. I know that what happened, happened, and all I can do now is try and move forward. And move forward is what I will do. I've been through hell, but I know I will emerge a stronger and better person.

30 Day Song Challenge!

On Facebook I started the 30-Day Song Challenge, and I want to post it on here too. I already did a few days of it, so this entry is gonna have a few, but here we go:

Day 3: A song that makes you happy
How could this song not make you smile? :)


Day 2: Your least favorite song
So stupid, and yet it still manages to get stuck in my head whenever I hear it. I hate this song. :P


Day 1: Your favorite song
This is and always will be my favorite song ever. :)

I wish I still had someone to complain to.

I desperately need to let these feelings out. This sadness, this anger, this regret. This fear and loneliness. But I don't have anyone to let them out to, anymore.

All my friends, they're tired of it. They're tired of me being sad. They're tired of my whining, or my troubles. They got tired of it a long time ago. And they try to act like they're understanding, but I can just sense the irritation.
And not only that, but they resent me. For so long, I put another person before them. I took them for granted, thinking they'd always be there. Thinking they'd always accept me, and be there for me when I needed them. But I was wrong.
And I guess I thought, as long as I had SOMEONE, I would be okay. But now, even the one person that I put before others, always. That I always treated the best I could, tried so hard to keep my image of a great person for. Even he got tired of me. Of my depression and angst. Of my need for attention.
And now, I'm alone. And who is there to listen to me anymore? Who can I talk to when I'm sad. I don't have anyone anymore. That's why I'm typing it into this blog. The people that I haven't talked much about my problems to yet, I am too concerned about keeping an image for. And the people who I used to be able to talk to about them, I am now too busy trying to impress.

That's right. The select few who actually got to know me for who I truly am as a person. Who I actually put down the wall for, and let in. Who I allowed my happiness to depend upon, like the idiot I am. They don't like the person they found when they tore away the facade. And so now, I have to work extra-hard, to put up a wall that is bigger and better than before. And it's so hard, considering I spend most of my time being miserable. Now, I have to act like I'm this fun, happy person. More than I ever did before. I have to try so much harder than the first time around. I have to pick up the bricks, build on additions, all while I am feeling so weak that I can barely lift up my own self.

And I wish things were different. I wish that I didn't have so much in my past to answer up to; stuff that would make me deserve this. I wish that I could truly be accepted for who I really am. Back when I was happy, people used to put me up on this pedestal. Build me up as this great person. And like an idiot, I actually started believing them. I actually started thinking that I really was a great person.
And then, I made the mistake of letting people in. I made the mistake of being myself, showing my flaws. And now, no one thinks I'm a great person. Everyone sees me for who I really am. And they don't like what they see. And I see it, too, and I don't like it.

I just feel so alone. And useless. And awful.