If living is the problem... well, that's just baffling.

Ohhhhhhhh, life.

As everyone knows, play auditions were this week.
And for the first time in my life, I felt like I did really well in my audition. For the first time, I felt really good about it, and confident that I would get a good role. For the first time in months, I was able to muster up a tiny little bit of hope and happiness.
And of course, it was crushed.

When I got home on Friday, I cried for an hour. That seems like an overreaction, right? I mean, it's just a play. And I still got a role. I should be okay with that, right?

But see, it wasn't just a play this time.

To fully understand what I mean, you need to know how I've been feeling lately. Think about the last time you felt truly happy, and how long ago it was. Five minutes? Five days?
For me, it's been five months.
Lately, every single day has been a struggle for me. I have to fight so hard just to find the will to get up in the morning. I've been trying so hard to be strong, for five months. Forcing on the pretense of happiness, while inside I'm screaming. I try to act like I'm okay. I try to be okay. But the truth is, I'm just not.
There is literally nothing that motivates me to live. I can't care about anything anymore. I've tried so hard. Everything that used to be important to me, just isn't anymore. I can't make it be important anymore. I can't make it evoke emotion in me. Nothing makes me happy anymore. And I can't manage to muster any ounce of hope for a better future. The life I see stretching before me is tainted with emptiness and misery. I have no reason to be here right now; no feelings tying me to this earth. I just don't have the willpower to keep on fighting anymore. I'm sick of it. It's just a constant struggle, all the time. For pretty much all of January, all I have wanted to do is die. I just want to be free from this constant pain. I want to be able to stop fighting, and give up. My will to live is practically nonexistent. The only thing that keeps me on this earth is my fear of dying. How sad is that? I'm too much of a coward to live, but I'm too much of a coward to die. And it makes me feel so trapped.
And among all this, there is an intense feeling of loneliness and isolation. I've tried talking to so many people, trying to get help. All I find is impatience and empty words. No one can possibly understand how this feels, so no one can make me feel better. And I can sense them getting sick of my whining. I have no one to talk to, and it makes me feel so very alone.
And all of these emotions, they're making me become a person that I never wanted to be. I think of who I used to be.... So happy and optimistic. So caring and concerned for everyone else around me. I used to be able to find the good in everyone and everything. I used to be able to keep smiling through any situation, no matter how hard things got. I used to be so cheerful that my happiness would just automatically rub off on everyone around me, and make them feel better. I used to be able to help others. I remember what my goal in life used to be: to be the type of person that would be willing to give up everything for someone else. To be the type of person that would do anything for someone else, even if it ended with nothing else left in my hands. I used to be a support system for so many people.
Now, I'm not even strong enough to support myself, let alone other people. When people come to me with their problems, I never know what to say anymore. In a past life, I would've told them that things will always get better. I would've given them great advice about a happier future, or about finding the good in bad situations. But now, I can't do that. I don't feel those things, so how can I peddle them to someone else? All I can do when someone says those things, is say "I understand." That's all I can do. And think of my own misery. And I wish I could go back to being the type of person that can help others, and wants to. Wants to. I don't want to anymore. Two of my friends, they were going through some relationship trouble recently. But then, their problems started getting better. Things got patched up with the other person. And they were happy again. And, I was happy for their happiness. I really was. But at the same time, I was upset. I finally felt like someone could understand what I was going through, and I was miserable thinking about how I was alone again. And I was bitter. I resented them for having the ability to work things out, and be with the person they want, when nothing will ever allow me to do that same thing. And it just made me feel so awful. It was that, more than anything, that made me wonder where the person I was had gone. The girl that used to be me, she would never, EVER resent someone else for their happiness. She'd never be so selfish. But that's all I am anymore. I'm so selfish. Because I don't have the energy or strength to be anything else. And this self that I'm so worried about, isn't even as good anymore as she used to be. That cheerful girl that used to bring happiness to others solely through her nature? She was broken along with my heart and spirit. Now, I'm just this boring, empty girl. The eyes that used to shine with energy and happiness are now dead and dull. The genuine smile that used to so often light up my face, now makes only rare appearances. It's been replaced by this fake, small smile, and even that only shows up on occasion. I'm becoming so boring. And sad. And instead of bringing happiness to others, I've just been bringing misery. And I hate myself.
And it doesn't help, when two of your best friends start to resent you over feelings you can't control. The two people who promised they'd never leave you, start drifting away. Because they don't understand. They don't understand that you aren't trying to put them second, and you aren't trying to be happier around him than you are around them, and that it's not your fault that you care about him more, and would always choose him over them. Because they haven't felt this. They don't understand. I never asked to feel this way. I wish I didn't feel this way. If I could stop caring about him more than anything or anyone else in the world, it would make my life so much easier. It would restore my hope, and allow me to care for others again. This would in turn grant me self-love and happiness. I wish I could just move on. But I can't. And it's not my fault.
So, to sum it up, my life this year has consisted of misery, hopelessness, carelessness, disappointment, self-hatred, and a constant sense of isolation.

But then, play auditions came along. And the audition was so fun. Being surrounded by these people, for the first time in months, I had a truly great time. For the first time in months, I felt happy. I felt great about my audition, and regained some amount of self-confidence for the first time. And, despite my logic telling me it was a horrible idea, I got a glimmer of hope. I thought there was a good chance of getting the part I wanted. And even if I didn't get that part, I was sure I'd at least finally get a good part. A part I was happy with. And I was finally looking forward to something, for the first time in so long.
And then, I saw the cast list. And then, I looked at my character. Child-services inspector, 29 lines. And those good feelings came crashing down, and everything crumbled. Once again, I was the only boring part amidst a cast of such fun characters. And my happiness and confidence came crashing down. Every year, during the play, I've had to constantly battle with feelings of insecurity and jealousy over parts. I've come home from play practice feeling like shit about myself because everyone else got to be on stage having fun, while I had to sit on the sidelines and watch. I've had to deal with feelings of self-hatred, not just over my apparent inability to act, but also over my jealousy and resentment of everyone who got better parts.
I was so excited to finally do a play without having to deal with all of that. But now, I am going to have to do all that again. And before, when I had other reasons to be happy, I could handle it. But now, I just can't. I'm going to spend my time feeling bitter and insecure and jealous, and hating myself more than ever.
And it sucks, when the first glimmer of hope and happiness you've had in months, gets crushed just like everything else in your life.
So no, it wasn't just a play audition. It was my chance at rebuilding myself, at making my life better again.
And now, it's gone.
And I just want to die.