Is it your fear of being buried that makes you so afraid to speak?

Mannnn, I do not feel like doing work today.

I've had three study halls so far today, and I am pretty proud to say that I worked through all of them. So I think I can give myself a day off, when I'm totally caught up on everything. :)

You know what's worse than others losing respect for you? When you lose respect for yourself. Lately I have just been respecting myself less and less every day.
I mean, I used to be pretty proud of who I was as a person. I used to see myself as selfless, caring, logical, rational, and careful. I thought out decisions before I made them. I considered other people's feelings before I did anything, and made choices for others rather than myself. I was smart about my choices, and didn't ever regret them. I was proud of the choices I made in life.
Now, I'm not so sure.
I feel like ever since Josh dumped me, I've been so goddamn stupid. The decisions I make are so selfish. All I ever do anymore is hurt people. I just feel like I've been making such foolish choices, doing things without thinking them through. And it always turns out wrong, and makes everything more complicated.
I'm growing to hate myself. I see myself through everyone else's eyes, and I look like such a stupid, thoughtless teenage girl. I look like someone who doesn't care about anyone's feelings except her own. And I'm beginning to see it in myself, too.

I want to tell myself that I really have considered others in my decision making. I want to tell myself that I wasn't being selfish; that I was doing everything for what I thought was the best. But that's just not true. I could justify the things I did, but in the end, they were all for myself. I've been so thoughtless and stupid. In satisfying my selfish wants, I have hurt so many people. And more will be still to come.

I told everyone about Josh's secret. And why? Sure, it was an emotional situation, and I did need the advice and help. But, why should that make me tell four people? Shouldn't one or two be enough? Sure, for the most part, I did it to gain advice and consolation. But I can't deny that there was a part of me--a tiny, miniscule part, but it was still there--that was doing it for revenge. Out of anger. Part of me was mad at him for what he did to me. That part of me that felt hurt and betrayed and furious. And that part of me felt relief in telling so powerful a secret. It was my one way to get back at him. He did all that to me; why shouldn't I be allowed to do this one little thing to him? I felt like since he'd broken my heart so badly, I had every right to tell.
Of course, I never meant for it to get so out of hand. I wanted the four people I told to know, and no one else. But all along I had the sense of foreboding, that it was inevitable that it would get out. But I drowned out my subconscious's small, selfless warning with my selfish whims. And that is why I hate myself so much for doing that.

Then there's Alsatia. Alsatia, who stayed with me through two months of Hell on Earth. Who guided me through the worst time of my life. And how did I repay her? With coldness, and ridicule, and thoughtlessness. I stopped listening to her, and I blew her off. I was cold and insulting. She came to me with problems, but I was too self-absorbed to pay any mind to her. It was all about me, my problems, my life, my feelings.

But none of that compares to what I did to Emma. I tried to justify myself in what I did. And for some reason, I honestly thought what I was doing was okay. I guess she had just been so irrational, and angry, and cold for so long, that I didn't think her feelings deserved much thought. I felt bad that it would cause her pain, but it was a vague pang of conscience. To be honest, I felt like maybe she would partly deserve what she got, for all the pain and drama she had caused to my friends and within this group. What stupid, selfish, disgusting thoughts. It wasn't until she got back, and I saw that she was handling the situation in such a mature way. She didn't act cold to me, or yell, or cry, or anything. She just looked so... empty. And then it hit me. Not until then did I put myself in her place. I imagined how I would've felt if she started dating Josh less than a month after he broke up with me. I couldn't imagine anything more painful. And only then, after the deed was done, did it hit me. No one deserves that kind of pain. And even if someone did, who am I to decide that they deserve it? That's not my right; it's not up to me. I should never, ever have done that to her. Anyone who is truly caring and selfless would never do that to a friend, no matter how long it had been since they've been close, or what that friend had done in the past.

But I am not. I am selfish. I am selfish and unthinking and wrong. I will never, ever be able to forgive myself for what I did to her, even though she was gracious enough to forgive me. And I hate myself. I hate myself for everything that I have done in the past two and a half months. And for the pain it caused everyone, and has yet still to cause. I hate myself for these stupid decisions, rushed into without considering the consequences, without considering how it would affect the people around me. My self-respect has been so damaged, and the respect everyone else had for me. And soon, it will be even more. After reading this, I feel like everyone will be disillusioned. Even the people I love. I don't think they'll abandon me, but everyone will realize how little I really deserve their esteem. People, I feel, have the tendency to put me up on a pedestal. They see me as this great person, so deserving of the utmost respect, so much kinder and more caring than others. And now, they will know. They will know that I am so much less than I pretend to be. That I don't deserve anymore respect than anyone else, and in all likelihood I deserve less. Taylor has seen that. I can tell in the way she looks at me, that she sees me as beneath her. She sees me for who I really am, now. And all her respect is lost.

I guess there is nothing to do now except to accept the fact that I will lose people. To accept the fact that I've made so many mistakes, and that they have and will hurt everyone I love. I think I'm about to hit something like rock-bottom. And after that, I'll have nowhere to go but up. It's time to get myself to that point, so I can move on, and start again towards my goal of becoming the person I want to be. The person I've aspired to be. I feel like now that I see what it's like to make so many mistakes, I can do it better than ever before. This time, it can be genuine.

I'm sorry to everyone that I hurt. I know that that an apology, words, mean nothing. But I promise in the future I will show it with my actions. I will do my best to make it up. Maybe I never will be able to. I understand if I can't. But I will try.