And we know it's never simple, never easy.

Sometimes, you come to that point where you just have no idea what to do in a situation anymore. And when you reach that point, you kind of just stop caring. That's the point I'm at now. Or at least, I'm trying my best to be.

Recently, Taylor posted a not-so-lovely blog about me. As soon as she found out I read it, she proceeded to delete it. I don't know why. Maybe so I would feel isolated, so that people wouldn't be able to assure me how wrong it was, or that I didn't deserve it. So, seeing as you can't read the blog that this is a response to, you may be confused, but I'll do my best to get the gist of it in here. And no, I'm not posting it as a blog because she did. As revenge or something. I'm posting it because I want the people close to her to understand, and I hate having to explain myself more than once.

So, my basic interpretation of the blog was that I am a failure as a friend, because she puts all the effort in and I never put any effort in, and I always get mad at her and she never gets mad at me, and she always has to apologize and I never admit my mistakes.

Now, I have a lot of problems with this blog, but the first of which is her apparent belief that I never put any effort into our friendship, while she tries so hard. Apparently she does not realize how hard I fought for our friendship. I always stood up for her, no matter what. And it was not easy. It caused a lot of people who would've had no malicious feelings toward me otherwise to dislike me, and got me into my fair share of drama. But I did it anyway, because I cared about her and thought she was worth it. Beside that, I was always standing up for our friendship. You have no idea how often people would ask me why I am friends with her. And I would always say that yes, I know she has flaws, but she has so many redeeming qualities. That even though she does bad things sometimes, she's a good person. I would always be fighting for our friendship. But, apparently, that doesn't mean anything to her.

And yes, we would fight a lot. And generally, I would be the one to instigate it. But people know me, and they know I'm not the type to pick fights for no reason. The only time I ever did was when she hurt my feelings, or when I felt like I was being pushed around. I'm sorry I'm not the type to just roll over and let people boss me around. I'm sorry I like to talk about my feelings instead of bottling them up and letting them ferment into resentment. I was never raised to be a pushover, and I'm not going to let you make me feel guilty that I didn't let you walk all over me.

But you know, all of this, that's nothing compared to the underlying theme of the blog: I am flawed, so that makes me a bad friend.
Taylor mentioned something that I will admit to doing. You see, I have this thing where, once every year or so, I will get irritated with one of my friends. We will then have a huge blowup where our friendship teeters on the edge of a cliff, and it can either fall and shatter or be saved. Usually those times are with Taylor, but once it was Emma. Once a very long time ago, it was Josh. But the thing is, when I do it, I can't help myself. And it's not because I don't love the person they happen with, but rather because I do love them. After what happened to me in sixth grade, it's very hard for me to let anyone in. So I think subconsciously, this is my way of testing people. I don't do it on purpose. It's just kind of a defense mechanism. I need to know and be reassured that even if I show them my bad side, my flawed side, the side that I hide so painstakingly and never let anyone else see, that they will accept me despite it. And I just found out that Taylor is not willing to do that. And I mean, I know that I wasn't the most amazing friend in the world to her. I would do this thing. And I would blow her off because I was tired or I just didn't feel like hanging out. And sometimes I can be a fickle person with weak resolve. And sometimes, yes, I would have a--what is it she always called it--a "holier-than-thou" attitude. And I will admit, these are flaws.

But the thing is, I never once claimed to be perfect. These are my flaws, and I accept them as such. I expected her to do the same, because I was her friend and I was worth it, and I had enough good in me to make up for these flaws. After all, I always accepted Taylor's flaws. I accepted the conceit, and the rudeness, and the way she had the tendency to talk down to people, and her hypocrisy and sometimes unbelievably nonsensical reasoning. The only thing I absolutely would not stand for was deceit, but that is a whole other post. And I accepted all these things and kept being her friend despite them, because I loved her. And I loved how she could be so fun and funny and carefree, and how she was so creative and open, and how she accepted me for who I was. Or at least, I thought she did. But from what her blog said, it appears that she never accepted my flaws after all. They're just a burden to her. I'm not worth maintaining a friendship with, because of my flaws.

And what sucks the most about it, is that I was working on my flaws. I really was trying. When people would tell me things I felt were private, I was working extra hard not to let them slip to anyone else, even if the person didn't mention directly that they were a secret. I almost had a huge blowout with Alsatia, but instead of letting the irritation build I talked to her about it, and we worked it out. The only reason I even went to spend the night at Taylor's house on that day was because I was doing it for her. In all honesty, I was tired and I had no desire to be around people. But I was trying to change, and better myself for her, and so I pushed myself and went even though I didn't really want to. I honestly was working on improving our friendship, improving my flaws. And this is where that got me.

And, I don't know. It just sucks. It sucks when you're friends with someone for seven years, and you think they know you and understand you, and then you find out that actually they don't at all, and never have. And it sucks when your friends change and become this new person that you don't even recognize anymore, and don't love anymore. I wish that I could have the old Taylor back. And I wish that we could have our old relationship back. But it's time to face the sad truth. My Taylor--the one I loved--she's gone. She has been warped by lies and jealousy and outward circumstances, and she is never coming back. And our old relationship is never coming back. We're both walking on eggshells with each other, and you can't build up a strong friendship like that.
To be honest, the thought of losing you terrifies me. It makes me horribly sad. But that's only because giving up on you will mean giving up on the old Taylor. Giving up on getting my best friend back. But she is gone now, and it's time I accept that. I obviously don't want to sever all ties--I still want to be friends and everything. But I honestly don't see how we can be best friends after we've both changed so much and after so much has happened. I will always care about you, and it will be hard. And I don't want to not be friends anymore. I still want you to be my friend. I still want you in my life. But it's just time to face that us as best friends is not going to work out anymore. We've gone on our separate paths and that closeness can never be brought back. And it sucks, and it's sad, but it's true.

PS-Mentioning how your mom doesn't like me? Really? That's kind of a low blow.
PPS-Josh is a big boy, he can think for himself. He would definitely not stop talking to you because of me.

Bright Eyes!

So, ages ago, I declared I would like to do 3 quote entries: Bright Eyes quotes, Dr. Suess quotes, and miscellaneous quotes.
Well, now is the time for Bright Eyes quotes! They are amazing and have a ton of awesome quotes, but these are 20 of my favorites.

1. "Your eyes must do some raining if you're ever gonna grow."
2. "Into the caverns of tomorrow with just our flashlights and our love, we must plunge.”
3. "If life seems absurd, what you need is some laughter."
4. "It's the ones with the sorest throats who've done the most singing."
5. “You can try to live in darkness, but you will never shake the light.”
6. "As we take eye for an eye until no one can see, we must stumble blindly forward, repeating history."
7. "Nothing in the past or future ever will feel like today."
8. "The world requires no audience."
9. "Everything, it must belong somewhere."
10. "I could go anywhere with you, and I'd probably be happy."
11. "Gossip's as good as gospel in this town.... You can save face, but you won't ever save your soul."
12. "How time can move both fast and slow amazes me."
13. "There's happiness in death."
14. (to be continued)

Just nod your head if your mind's been changed. Shake it, love, if some hope remains.

On rare occasions, at night, I get this horrible feeling that if I fall asleep, I'll die. And I know that it is completely irrational, and the chances I would just randomly die in my sleep are extremely low. But when this happens, it is a very real and legitimate fear. Even though I can tell myself it's irrational, I honestly and truly feel as though I will die if I fall asleep. I am always really and honestly scared when that happens, and I end up staying awake until I can't any longer just to make sure I won't die.

Well, last night I had that same feeling. Except it wasn't about dying; it was about Josh breaking up with me. I mean, we had just had an amazing time hanging out that night. But I truly and honestly felt like he was going to break up with me the next day. And I was extremely sad and terrified. I know it's illogical, but I honestly thought he would. I couldn't sleep or listen to music or write or do anything but just lay there in bed, paralyzed with fear. Reasons popped up in my head that he would say, like "I realized that I like you better as a best friend" or "I have a lot going on and I don't think I can handle a girlfriend right now". I'm also extremely insecure about whether or not I will be able to do physical things, like kissing and stuff, correctly. So in my mind, he said "I'm sorry. I just kind of wish you were more willing and able to be physically closer to me." And yes, I know all of that stuff is completely ridiculous, and that Josh would never be like that or say that, but at the time I was genuinely afraid that that would happen. I really thought it was going to. It's weird.

And when I get in moods like that, no matter how much I think "There is nothing physically wrong with me, I'm not going to die" or "Josh loves me a lot, he's not going to break up with me", it won't have any effect. I come up with reasons like a concussion or a freak illness, or that he'll just start seeing me in a different light.

Last night, after thinking all that, I had this dream that I was really ugly. At first it was just acne, which is not that big of a deal; I mean, a lot of people have acne and I don't think they're ugly. But then, a doctor told me I had a hormonal imbalance, and I started growing hair on my neck and sideburns and stuff. And then giant bulbous warts started popping up on my neck and face. I remember thinking in the dream that no guy would ever like me again, everyone would alienate me, and I'd lose everything. The dream was fairly realistic, and when I woke up I honestly thought I looked like that at first. I felt my face and was relieved that all those things had not happened.

I mean, I guess it's just my fear of abandonment again. I have never let anyone in like this before. And I have changed a lot this year, and I feel like I'm not as honest and kind and pure as I used to be. I hate that, and I am working toward changing it, and doing a decent job of it. But I dunno, I feel like I have a decrease of good personality traits coupled with a lack of ability to be physical. And I guess it just kind of hit me. And I am legitimately scared that every guy I love, even in the future, will end up leaving me because they'll eventually get sick of my shyness and lack of skill and other things, and I'll just be alone for the rest of my life. And I know it's an irrational fear, but just like those times, I can't shake it.

Wow. I'm actually done early.

How strange. I'm in photography and I actually finished an assignment early. I did not obsess over making everything perfect. I did not worry about my picture being the best I could do, and being the most creative thing in the class, like I usually would. I mean, I certainly put effort into it, but I didn't strive for exact perfection like I usually would.
I can't decide if that's a good thing or bad thing.
I mean, being a perfectionist with my art and creative things is what caused me to get so stressed in art last trimester. I'd take way longer than I should've, trying to make everything just perfect, trying to make everything the best. I would end up obsessing so much on one step that I'd fall behind and have to rush everything else. We all know that that caused me a ridiculous amount of stress. When I got really sick and had a crazy high fever, I wanted to go to school just for art class, because I thought if I missed a day I'd be screwed and would never get my project done. I cried when my mom made me stay home because I had a fever of 101. So many days I came to school sick specifically for art class, just so I could stay caught up.
At the same time, being a perfectionist was a good thing. It always pushed me to do my best. I truly gave every project my all. It helped me grow as an artist. Before I knew it, I started projecting the exact image in my head into real life, and giving it form. This is something very hard to do. And if I had more time to complete them, I know they would've been something I was truly proud of. My linoleum block and prints would've been amazing had I not felt rushed at the end, carved out the wrong part, and not had time to finish all my prints. My frog pot, despite all my doubts and stress and feeling sure it was going to look awful, would've turned out great if I had not had to rush on the paint job and ended up getting the wrong color paint in the wrong places.
Being early is a weird experience to me. I usually think more and try more and take longer than anyone else. It makes me feel like I did something wrong, even though I know that I like my ad, and people thought it was funny, and I put effort into it. But still, it's weird. I even finished my script for my commercial, which is considered "working ahead". Really I suppose I should be working on my math homework....
But, I'll have time in choir and I only have one problem to do and there is a computer here and not in choir. And no one here can help me on that problem anyway, which is what I need to complete it.... Heh.

Why is it that my blogs always have to be about sad things and serious things and stuff like that?

They don't. So now, I am going to do an entry that is not like that! Woooo.
I'm not really sure what I'm going to write about. I just know I'm sick of the sadness.
Because, as a wise ginger once said, being sad is a waste of time.

Something I am beginning to realize is that people leave you behind. They move on with their lives and lose contact with you. Even now, I know that so many awesome people I got close with this year are moving on. They're going on to college and into the real world. And, we probably won't stay in contact. I know that.
However, I'm not terribly upset about this. I mean, I'm sure I'll miss them sometimes. And having to lose people is always a bit sad. But what's important is that we will always be in each other's hearts. I have made so many amazing memories with these people, and had so much fun with them. And I know that even though we are going to split up and take different paths in life, growing farther and farther apart, I will always have those memories. Even when I'm 40 years old and don't talk to any of these people and only think of them in passing, I WILL think of them. When I think sophomore year,
I will think the roof of a parking garage.
I will think Bubble Island.
I will think Jamaican Me Crazy Wednesday.
I will think of the Meijer lounge.
I will think Insomnia Cookies.
I will think Jeremiah's car.
I will think Subway.
I will think Barnes and Noble.
I will think Pinball Pete's.
I will think of that one really extremely cold day where we all sprinted from Lee's van everywhere we went because it was too goddamn cold to be outside for more than 10 seconds.
I will think of the demon spawn of Hailey Van Buren and Dylan, and I will think of the first time Logan and Eddie got Chipotle and told us how amazing it was.
I will think of the first time I saw James smile, really smile, and how it seemed to light up the whole room.
I will think of the day there was an hour wait for laser tag on Gareth's birthday, so we went to the mall instead and sat at the tiny chairs in the food court, talking about how the tables were for Asian people (me and everyone else were on two totally separate pages XD), and getting yelled at by an Asian security guard.
I will think about being in Gamestop and finding out Michael Jackson was dead.
I will think of Alsatia and Jeremiah betting over who would win at Mario Kart, and it suddenly became a battle of the sexes, with all the girls cheering Alsatia on to fight for womankind and all the guys doing the same for Jeremiah (except, you know, with mankind).
I will think of ranting to Logan and Jeremiah after a disastrous shopping trip.
I will think of the first time Eddie looked through my iPod, and his eyes lit up.
I will think of Sir Chester Pinkerton III.
I will think of Logan, Jeremiah, and I rocking out to Motion City Soundtrack and other various music, singing at the top of our lungs.
I will think of the concert on November 13th.
I will think of that day everyone else went to formal and I hung out with Audrey, Gareth, Alsatia, and Josh.
I will think of walking all the way to Logan's house on an extremely zombie-apocalypse-esque night because goddamnit there was something we had to tell him no matter what, and then turning around literally 3 feet before we got to his driveway.
I will think of battles on the playground, chasing Gareth around with a Nerf sword.
I will think of those suspicious condom-pills that Audrey received under suspicious circumstances from a suspicious old woman.
I will think of late night AIM conversations.
I will think of Josh and Logan talking to each other about Paranormal Activity, and how amusing and awesome it was to watch them converse with each other.
I will think of the whole group playing Mario Kart at my house, rocking out to great music and having a blast.

I love all those memories. They are so precious to me, and always will be. The people in them will always be. They'll always be there in my heart, and I know I will always be there in theirs.
And even though I will never have times like that again, and even though we'll lose contact, I know that in the future there will be more new and exciting things to experience, new people to meet, and more fun to be had.

Logan, Jeremiah, Lee, Eddie, Gareth, Audrey, James. I got to spend one year with you guys. One short year. And yet, one amazing, extremely fun, hilarious, eye-opening year. In one year, you guys taught me so much. You showed me so much that I had never experienced before, and never would've without you. I owe you guys so much, but the beauty of it is I know that you guys don't see it that way. You were just being yourselves. So, thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for giving me a glimpse into your world; teaching me the fun that high school was really about. I love you guys, and no matter where we all go, no matter how far apart we become, that will always remain true.

(Hah, this is what happens when I try to do a random entry. It becomes serious anyway. But, this one wasn't sad, so my goal is achieved! :D)

Happy Mother's Day... or something.

It feels weird, you know. It's Mother's Day, and I hate my mother. Thank God she had to work today, because otherwise, it would all feel so insincere. It'd feel like a lie. I could barely even write "I love you" on the card I wrote for her. I had to opt for "I heart you", because I couldn't bring myself to say "I love you" to someone I don't love. When I say things like that, I mean it entirely. And as hard as I tried to dredge up love, I couldn't find it.

...That's right. I made my mom a card. As adamantly as I said I wouldn't, I did. The strange thing is, I don't know why. It's not like my dad forced me to, or like my mom would get really angry with me if I didn't.

I guess I just knew she'd feel upset if she didn't get at least something from one of us. Teddy took off and Kristyn's at school, packing up her stuff. They didn't make any time for her. No phone call, no card.

And as much as my mother hurts me, I don't want to hurt her. As much as she makes me feel like a disappointment, I don't want her to feel disappointed. As much pain as she makes me feel, I don't want her to feel pain. As much as my mother makes me feel rejected, I just want her to feel accepted. And to accept me. As much as I hate my mother and don't want to do anything for her, I want to do everything I can for her. Because she is my mother. And I am me.

And no matter how many times she strikes me with those hateful words, and injects that poison of rejection and self-loathing into my bloodstream, I will always want those things. As many times as we fight, and she says those things, I will forgive her. Not fully forgive her. Not ever. I can never trust her again. I will always be walking on eggshells with her. I will always have my guard up. But, I will keep crawling back and crawling back. As my heart mends I will forgive and forgive. Not forget, but I will forgive.
And I feel like that's stupid. I feel like the more I do this, the more I will get hurt. But I can't stop. It's like the idiot traveler from Fruits Basket. I will keep giving until I have nothing left. I will keep doing my best to please.
I know my efforts will go unappreciated. I know I won't get anything in return. I know that no matter what I do, my mother will still see me as a lazy, selfish, spoiled brat. But... I will always see her as my mom. Neurotic, eccentric, pathetic, short-tempered, prone to taking her problems out on others, and with a total disregard for for any point of view that isn't her own, yes. But still, my mom. The only one I've got. And as much bitterness and resentment and pain that I feel toward my mother, I will always be looking out for her. Because, in the end, that is family.