What the Hell, Rachel's doing a blog entry?
...Hey, that actually leads really nicely into the blog I'm posting.
Basically, there are things that bother me. There are things that upset me. There are things I think are ridiculous. But nothing is as bothersome, upsetting, and ridiculous as being told that I'm going to Hell because I'm not sure if I believe in God.
(I have so many thoughts on this, that I should probably organize them first, but I don't feel like putting that much effort into a blog.)
Several times in my life, I have been told in one way or another that I am going to Hell due to my inability to believe in God. People that I love dearly, even, think that I am going to be subjected to eternal damnation and suffering, just because I don't believe in God. (No, precious ginger, I'm not talking about you.)
Last year, I was told by 2 people that I was going to Hell due to my lack of belief. Directly. No beating around the bush, edging around the subject, I was just told that.
As soon as I was out of their sight, I started crying. I cried as I walked home, I cried when I got home. One of those people has apologized, and said that she doesn't think that anymore. Another hasn't, and still thinks I'm going to Hell.
Ever since I started doubting my beliefs in God, Hell was one of my major fears. Thinking about it would strike me with intense fear. When I thought about it, I'd feel like crying. I was so scared of death because I didn't want to go to Hell. Well, now I don't worry about it so much. I truly think that if God is as righteous as everyone says He is, He would not send me to eternal suffering for something I have no control over. However, it still hurts me a lot when people tell me I'm going to Hell. Simply because they can just callously, coldly tell me that and not care. "So guess what, Rachel, you thought I cared about you but I actually think that your soul is cursed and destined to writhe in agony forever. Have fun."
...Basically, when people tell me that, I feel as though they don't care about me.
So who are the people who tell me I'm going to Hell? Conservative, stuffy, holier-than-thou Christians. Not all Christians, just the prick ones. It doesn't matter how nice you are. Telling someone they're going to Hell is mean. Trying to decide someone's fate, and deciding that it will be negative, and then letting those people know, is horrible. It's a horrible, disgusting, awful thing to do.
What's funny is that most of these people have never even read the Bible. There they go, preaching their twisted faith like it's fact, when they have not even actually read the book from whence their beliefs came. It's utter ignorance and hipocrisy. You're telling me that I'm eternally damned because of my lack of a relationship in God, when you haven't even read his teachings. That makes total sense.... Oh wait, no it doesn't.
Also, what makes you, a pathetic human, think you have the right to decide what happens to me after I die? You don't know. You have no more idea of what will happen in the afterlife than I do. You have faith in something, and that's all it is. Faith. There is no scientific fact proving that God exists, or that Hell exists, or that that is where people without faith in God go. It's not a fact, don't talk to me like it is. Especially since the thing you're preaching is so cruel and twisted. It's YOUR belief, and YOU have no right to decide what's going to happen to me when I die. You're not me. And more than that, you're not GOD.
People who say that don't even realize that they're playing God when they say it. By trying to tell me what happens to me after I die, you are playing God. You are saying that much more powerful forces than you... science, nature, fate, karma, even God himself... don't have the right to decide my fate, because you already know it. You already know I'm setting myself up for eternal damnation. You know that, huh? Wow.
But you can NOT make that decision. Only God Himself can. And if God really is this great, glorious, praise-worthy entity, He will NOT send good people to Hell due to a lack of faith. He simply won't. And I don't think He appreciates you taking it upon yourself to make that decision for him. It is NOT your choice, or your decision to make, what will happen to me after I die. It's God's, according to you, and yet you're trying to take that power away from Him.
These people, they're fear-mongering. "Believe what I tell you, or else suffer a fate worse than death." Sure, what they preach sounds wonderful. But what Stalin and Hitler preached also sounded wonderful. And if people didn't believe that, oh, everything was just jolly as people starved in the Soviet Union and Hitler killed all the Jews, they were punished. And, okay, maybe religion isn't starving anyone or doing horrible things, but in essence they are using fear to get people to believe what they want to believe. Which is the same thing that the fascist dictators of the world do.
Even putting all those things aside, what Christian people don't seem to understand is that you can't FORCE yourself to have a relationship with God. Believe me, I've tried. But even when I was little, it didn't really connect. Even then, when I would say a prayer or talk about God, it felt like I was playing pretend. As I got a little bit older, it was just me doing what my parents wanted me to do, believing what they wanted me to believe. But I never really believed. And no matter how I try, I can't force myself to. I can't force a relationship with God. Even if I were to come to school tomorrow, telling everyone how amazing and wonderful God was, saying I was Christian and that I believed in God, it would just be a lie. A facade. And we all know I can't lie.
I WANT to believe in God. Really, I do. But I just can't. I can't force myself to. I can't fully put faith in Him. That is something you have to understand. And God won't punish me for what I can't help.
Well, there's nothing really more I want to say at the moment, so that's pretty much it.
1/26/10
1/12/10
There's a switch that gets hit, and it all stops making sense.
A blog about cutting. Because everyone else is doing it.
Definitely, my thoughts are apathetic on cutting. I have nothing to do with it, and it has nothing to do with me.
I don't hate it, or even dislike it. But I obviously don't like it either. Honestly, I always tend to see past the cutting to the emotions behind it. For some reason I can't really see the two as linked.
Also, I can't relate to cutting at all. I can hear the things that people say about it, and I'll understand logically, but I won't understand emotionally. I honestly can't relate at all to cutting. Even when I was at my lowest point, when I was super depressed, cutting never even crossed my mind. Dying crossed my mind; suicide crossed my mind.... I never considered it, but I thought about it. I never even THOUGHT about cutting. And in that way as well, I can't relate to the desire to cut. In my head, I can think, "Yeah, it's like a drug. Once you do it it's hard to stop. It helps people feel like they're in control. People want to do it to help themselves feel better." But emotionally, I cannot understand cutting. I cannot relate to it in the slightest.
Now, that's not to say I judge people who cut. I truly don't. Although I can't emotionally relate to it, my logical brain tells me that it's a very hard thing to go through. My logical brain can understand why people do it. I understand cutting, it's just on a very shallow level. So I would never judge someone for it. Then again, I never judge people for anything, unless they're mean, or they're intentionally hurting others. But still.
When I hear about people cutting, it neither shocks me or causes me to pity them. Really, it barely causes me any concern. People cope with things in different ways. If that is one way to cope, then whatever. It's whatever. Would I do it? No. Should people do it? No, probably not, because it can hurt others. But do I honestly care when people cut? Not really. It's like writing in a journal. It's a way to cope. And as long as you're being safe and sterile about it, it's whatever. Would I frown upon someone for crying? No. Just because it involves bloodletting, suddenly it becomes this awful taboo thing. To me it is the same as crying. In fact, crying tugs my heartsrtings a little more because I can relate to it.
...However, it CAN hurt others around you. And that is the worst part of cutting. The only part that would really make me say "People should not cut". The fact that it hurts other people. Also, the fact that it can end up just causing more emotional problems for the people who do it. If not for that, I honestly would not mind cutting in the slightest. I don't see it as something to feel bad about, or something really awful. But I would not to it myself, simply because I prefer other methods of coping with problems. And because I can't see cutting helping me feel better.
If you cut every night, I would tell you to get help. However, if you cried every night, I would also tell you to get help. Because I don't see the blood and the shame all that. I see that the emotions involved are something you cannot handle on your own, just as emotions where you cry every night are things you can't handle on your own.
And so, those are my views on cutting. Are they cold, callous, and offensive? Probably. But you know... it's whatever.
Ja ne. :]
Definitely, my thoughts are apathetic on cutting. I have nothing to do with it, and it has nothing to do with me.
I don't hate it, or even dislike it. But I obviously don't like it either. Honestly, I always tend to see past the cutting to the emotions behind it. For some reason I can't really see the two as linked.
Also, I can't relate to cutting at all. I can hear the things that people say about it, and I'll understand logically, but I won't understand emotionally. I honestly can't relate at all to cutting. Even when I was at my lowest point, when I was super depressed, cutting never even crossed my mind. Dying crossed my mind; suicide crossed my mind.... I never considered it, but I thought about it. I never even THOUGHT about cutting. And in that way as well, I can't relate to the desire to cut. In my head, I can think, "Yeah, it's like a drug. Once you do it it's hard to stop. It helps people feel like they're in control. People want to do it to help themselves feel better." But emotionally, I cannot understand cutting. I cannot relate to it in the slightest.
Now, that's not to say I judge people who cut. I truly don't. Although I can't emotionally relate to it, my logical brain tells me that it's a very hard thing to go through. My logical brain can understand why people do it. I understand cutting, it's just on a very shallow level. So I would never judge someone for it. Then again, I never judge people for anything, unless they're mean, or they're intentionally hurting others. But still.
When I hear about people cutting, it neither shocks me or causes me to pity them. Really, it barely causes me any concern. People cope with things in different ways. If that is one way to cope, then whatever. It's whatever. Would I do it? No. Should people do it? No, probably not, because it can hurt others. But do I honestly care when people cut? Not really. It's like writing in a journal. It's a way to cope. And as long as you're being safe and sterile about it, it's whatever. Would I frown upon someone for crying? No. Just because it involves bloodletting, suddenly it becomes this awful taboo thing. To me it is the same as crying. In fact, crying tugs my heartsrtings a little more because I can relate to it.
...However, it CAN hurt others around you. And that is the worst part of cutting. The only part that would really make me say "People should not cut". The fact that it hurts other people. Also, the fact that it can end up just causing more emotional problems for the people who do it. If not for that, I honestly would not mind cutting in the slightest. I don't see it as something to feel bad about, or something really awful. But I would not to it myself, simply because I prefer other methods of coping with problems. And because I can't see cutting helping me feel better.
If you cut every night, I would tell you to get help. However, if you cried every night, I would also tell you to get help. Because I don't see the blood and the shame all that. I see that the emotions involved are something you cannot handle on your own, just as emotions where you cry every night are things you can't handle on your own.
And so, those are my views on cutting. Are they cold, callous, and offensive? Probably. But you know... it's whatever.
Ja ne. :]
1/6/10
Once upon a time...
...I said I would like to someday do a blog of my favorite song quotes. That time is now.
I'm in school right now, so I don't have my iPod, so I will definitely be editing this later (and probably as time goes on and on, and I find more quotes I like). In other words, this is the ever-changing blog entry of awesomeness. Haha. But it will pretty much be all quotes. Not necessarily all song quotes, but all quotes. All these quotes are fairly general that can apply to everyone's life in some way, and many of them are quotes that give me inspiration and help me make it through the day.
And so, let's begin....
I'm in school right now, so I don't have my iPod, so I will definitely be editing this later (and probably as time goes on and on, and I find more quotes I like). In other words, this is the ever-changing blog entry of awesomeness. Haha. But it will pretty much be all quotes. Not necessarily all song quotes, but all quotes. All these quotes are fairly general that can apply to everyone's life in some way, and many of them are quotes that give me inspiration and help me make it through the day.
And so, let's begin....
- "Nothing in the past or future ever will feel like today." -Bright Eyes
- "The night is darkest just before the dawn." -The Dark Knight
- "If you lose yourself in worries, you waste the 'now'". -Fruits Basket
- "If the world could remain within a frame like a painting on a wall, I think we'd see the beauty then, and stand staring in awe at our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges. Like a story told by the fault lines and the soil." -Bright Eyes
- "Your eyes must do some raining if you're ever gonna grow." -Bright Eyes
- "I'll fight like Hell to hide that I'm giving up." -Bright Eyes
- "Pray for love on other planets; we can't be the only ones who have it." -Say Anything
- "Into the caverns of tomorrow with just our flashlights and our love, we must plunge." -Bright Eyes
- "Happiness is only real when shared." -Into the Wild
- "Into the ear of every anarchist that sleeps but doesn't dream, we must sing." -Bright Eyes
- "Did you know that the wind, when it blows... it is older than Rome, and our joy and our sorrow." -Bright Eyes
- "Just as there is despair in this world, there are people who will hold out their hand to you." -Fruits Basket
- "All you give is returned." -Bright Eyes
- "I'm telling you, duckie, you're really quite lucky. Some people are much more, oh ever so much more, so muchly much much more unlucky than you." -Dr. Seuss
- "We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call 'misdirected rage'. I believe the technical term is being an ass." -Fruits Basket
- "There's more to this world than darkness. It isn't only black." -Fruits Basket
- "If life seems absurd, what you need is some laughter." -Bright Eyes
- "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -Dr Seuss
- "A man’s true strength is found in the friends that support him." -Fruits Basket
- "Take the fruit from the tree; break the skin with your teeth. Is it bitter or sweet? All depends on the timing." -Bright Eyes
- “How did it get so late so soon? It's night before its afternoon. December is here before it's June. My goodness how the time has flewn." -Dr Seuss
- "It's the ones with the sorest throats who've done the most singing." -Bright Eyes
- “Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.” -Dr Seuss
1/5/10
As for those things that act as markers in your life, but in between, you can't remember....
Hi.
So right now, what I really should be doing is an article for my history newspaper.
Instead, I'm blogging. (I finished one article already during this hour; now I only need to do 2 more and it should be fairly simple. Plus, I'll probably be finished blogging in enough time to finish another before the hour is out.)
You know, I really do agree with Lee. I don't like to write if it doesn't have a purpose, unless I'm in that kind of mood, which is rare.
And when I do get in that kind of mood, it's usually only because I want something to do while I'm listening to music, and I do it in my paper journal.
However, there is no music here....
(Haha. That is kind of unintentionally deep.)
But alas. This will be purposeless writing.
And also, I can understand why you'd want to blog about what happened in your life every day. Because I know that I often forget days. Even with events I'm sure I'll remember at the time they happen, the details end up getting so fuzzy that I hardly remember them.
"As for those things that act as markers in your life, but in between, you can't remember...."
My paper journal is almost all the way used up. I have had it for 4 and a half years now, so it is pretty impressive. I only have a little tiny bit left; enough for maybe another half a year if I don't write too often. But I love it. I hope I can find another journal just like it: extremely thick, hardcover, ring binding so that it's easy to turn half of it over to write. Thin-lined paper where the lines only leave space for small writing. I like it. Haha, I will have a tough time finding a journal that matches all those criteria. But I shall try!
I really want to go shopping. I have already overused my supply of winter clothes, and there is still a good solid 2 months of winter left. All my cute clothes are warm-weather clothes, and I can't wear them because this school is so extremely cold all the time. It's a little ridiculous. We need to like... get a new heating system. If only our school wasn't poor....
So, there is a new kid in my English class. As DJ so eloquently put it, "We actually have a real black kid now!" Haha. Ohh goodness. XD There is also a new foreign in my art class. He is fairly adorable (when I say that I mean puppy adorable, not hot adorable), and seems like a nice kid.
There's also a new girl, apparently! I haven't seen her yet but here is what I have heard about her: she's smokin', she's pretty nice, she has auburn hair, she seems stuck up, she is very mean and confrontational and already got suspended.
Haha. "There's rumors going 'round about the new kid, and everybody's talking til their blue! But either way, it's something new; either way at least it's something new...."
What is it with me and relating everything to song today? 0_0
Speaking of singing, I love the new song we're doing for the Masterworks concert. It's called Untraveled Worlds. The accompaniment is freakin' amazing, and the song sounds really cool and I much enjoy singing it. However, it's also very challenging because it's in 6/4 time and it's really really fast. Also, we sopranos definitely have to get wayyyyy up into our high range! However with all the choirs singing together it should sound amazing, so I am excited for that.
Also, I will get to sing with Sarah! She's a second so we may even be able to stand by each other! Exciting day! :D
Ew. I hate winter. It's gone on long enough.
Anyway, I suppose I shall go try and finish another article before the end of class.
Ja ne!
So right now, what I really should be doing is an article for my history newspaper.
Instead, I'm blogging. (I finished one article already during this hour; now I only need to do 2 more and it should be fairly simple. Plus, I'll probably be finished blogging in enough time to finish another before the hour is out.)
You know, I really do agree with Lee. I don't like to write if it doesn't have a purpose, unless I'm in that kind of mood, which is rare.
And when I do get in that kind of mood, it's usually only because I want something to do while I'm listening to music, and I do it in my paper journal.
However, there is no music here....
(Haha. That is kind of unintentionally deep.)
But alas. This will be purposeless writing.
And also, I can understand why you'd want to blog about what happened in your life every day. Because I know that I often forget days. Even with events I'm sure I'll remember at the time they happen, the details end up getting so fuzzy that I hardly remember them.
"As for those things that act as markers in your life, but in between, you can't remember...."
My paper journal is almost all the way used up. I have had it for 4 and a half years now, so it is pretty impressive. I only have a little tiny bit left; enough for maybe another half a year if I don't write too often. But I love it. I hope I can find another journal just like it: extremely thick, hardcover, ring binding so that it's easy to turn half of it over to write. Thin-lined paper where the lines only leave space for small writing. I like it. Haha, I will have a tough time finding a journal that matches all those criteria. But I shall try!
I really want to go shopping. I have already overused my supply of winter clothes, and there is still a good solid 2 months of winter left. All my cute clothes are warm-weather clothes, and I can't wear them because this school is so extremely cold all the time. It's a little ridiculous. We need to like... get a new heating system. If only our school wasn't poor....
So, there is a new kid in my English class. As DJ so eloquently put it, "We actually have a real black kid now!" Haha. Ohh goodness. XD There is also a new foreign in my art class. He is fairly adorable (when I say that I mean puppy adorable, not hot adorable), and seems like a nice kid.
There's also a new girl, apparently! I haven't seen her yet but here is what I have heard about her: she's smokin', she's pretty nice, she has auburn hair, she seems stuck up, she is very mean and confrontational and already got suspended.
Haha. "There's rumors going 'round about the new kid, and everybody's talking til their blue! But either way, it's something new; either way at least it's something new...."
What is it with me and relating everything to song today? 0_0
Speaking of singing, I love the new song we're doing for the Masterworks concert. It's called Untraveled Worlds. The accompaniment is freakin' amazing, and the song sounds really cool and I much enjoy singing it. However, it's also very challenging because it's in 6/4 time and it's really really fast. Also, we sopranos definitely have to get wayyyyy up into our high range! However with all the choirs singing together it should sound amazing, so I am excited for that.
Also, I will get to sing with Sarah! She's a second so we may even be able to stand by each other! Exciting day! :D
Ew. I hate winter. It's gone on long enough.
Anyway, I suppose I shall go try and finish another article before the end of class.
Ja ne!
1/1/10
The drinks were consumed; the plants were destroyed, and the hors d'ouvres dismantled.
I hate 2010 already.
December fucking sucked. I thought that maybe, just maybe, this year could be a fresh start. A time for putting the past behind me and moving on.
I was wrong. I feel like things just keep piling on and piling on....
I don't know why, but I feel so... incomplete. It's like Emma said.... I miss it.
I don't even know what I miss, but I miss it.
Peace? Feeling like my heart is filled up to the brim with love, but still getting more poured in it anyway? Feeling content? One day without any drama to speak of?
2009 was a year of change. Definitely.
And I can see what 2010 will be.
A year of missing others.
I don't know why, but it struck me so hard right now.
I miss people. I'm so.... Somehow, I'm okay with leaving others. Moving on isn't the right word, something more temporary is. I'm okay with temporarily drifting away. Doing my own thing and changing my own life for awhile; coming back to them a better person.
But... I get so sad when the people I leave behind don't stay the same.
I want to leave them where they are, unmoving and unchanging. Always loving me. Being able to get right back in to that close bond that we always had.
Life isn't like that.
It's my sister. My sister, who would always go back to college.... Spend time with her friends there... but never really forget about her life here. She would always come back wanting to spend time with me. Even when I was running around with my friends, gone all the time, she would still want me around. We would make time for each other. She would request that I spend time with her, she would tell me things. I would tell her things. We were so close.
Somehow, I felt as though I could do my own thing, choose my friends, as long as she didn't. I don't know what I expected. When she used to come home for breaks, we would always get close again. Have that time for us.
Not this year.
This year, we both had our own things to do, barely talking to each other, barely touching each other's lives. She would go off with HER friends. I had to be the one to try to spend time with her. And I stepped up to the plate. I tried. I asked if she could spend some time with me.
But it never happened. She never opened up. I have no idea who she is anymore, where her life is going, how her life is now. She showed no interest in the things I tried telling her about my life. We used to be so close... and it's so hard. To realize this. I guess what really did it, is that she and Teddy went to the same New Year's Party with her friends. I get it, it's a college party, you don't want your 16-year-old sister running around there. But still. After I try so hard to reconnect with her, she can't make time for me, but she can of course make time for my much cooler brother. It sucks.
And her friends treat me like... how people who don't like animals treat their friends' pets.
Her friends came over for a bit before they left for the party. Just a couple of her college friends.
I was in the bathroom, straightening my hair. I guess her friend needed to get ready a little bit more too. Her friend came into the bathroom. I smiled in a friendly manner, apologetic even for using up the bathroom. She didn't smile. She grimaced.
Grimaced in disgust. The look on her face. It just made me feel like a bug on the bottom of her shoe.
And then she said, "Oh."
I never knew how condescending one syllable could sound until that moment.
"Oh. I need this when you're done."
No excuse me.... Nothing to show that she even thought I had any trace of emotion, or deserved any of her time. Deserved to be breathing her air, taking up her space.
And my sister doesn't care. She doesn't care about me anymore.
And then there's my friends. I used to have such a close connection with all of them; used to love them with all my heart, and they loved me with all of theirs. My life was so filled with love; we were all so closely bonded.
Now, I only have that with 2 people. 2 people who I can honestly say I feel entirely close to, that I want to share everything with, that I will always want around, that I love with all my heart, and that love me back with all of theirs.
And 2, theoretically, should be enough for anyone. 2 is so much more than so many people in this world. But I'm used to so much more. And once you get used to so much love, it's hard to lose so much of it.
To top it all off, I will be losing one of those people temporarily at 2 points in this year.
Joshua. One of the only people I have left. But he's so busy.
And he's going away over Spring Break. I'll have so much free time, but none of it to spend with him.
And then summer, he's leaving for Blue Lake. For quite a while. Longer than Spring Break. And that will be hard.
Throughout those times, I will only have one person.
Alsatia, I am so grateful that I have you. You're what makes me know that I will be able to make it through these absences without constantly being plagued by tears and loneliness. I love you so much for that.
Marc, it's also a great comfort that you will be here. You and I are getting closer and closer all the time, and I'm so grateful for that. And I know that you'll be here to listen to me complain and whine, and you'll be there to help me get my mind off it. You'll be there to make me laugh and pass the time. Thank you for that.
...Wow. I feel quite a bit better now. I will have you guys.... Really, there's so much to be grateful for right there.
The guy I love, the only person I want to be with, feels the same way about me. That's a blessing in itself.
It will be hard sometimes, but I will make it through this.
This must be it. Welcome to the new year.
[Note: Yes, I left a few people out who probably think they deserve to be counted among the number I listed above. But, you're not up there. If you think about it, I'm sure you'll be able to realize the reason on your own. And you know it's nothing personal, that I still love you guys, but it's not the same thing as what I have with those mentioned. And I'm not trying to start drama; in fact, I'm sick to death of drama. So please don't make this a bigger deal than it needs to be.]
December fucking sucked. I thought that maybe, just maybe, this year could be a fresh start. A time for putting the past behind me and moving on.
I was wrong. I feel like things just keep piling on and piling on....
I don't know why, but I feel so... incomplete. It's like Emma said.... I miss it.
I don't even know what I miss, but I miss it.
Peace? Feeling like my heart is filled up to the brim with love, but still getting more poured in it anyway? Feeling content? One day without any drama to speak of?
2009 was a year of change. Definitely.
And I can see what 2010 will be.
A year of missing others.
I don't know why, but it struck me so hard right now.
I miss people. I'm so.... Somehow, I'm okay with leaving others. Moving on isn't the right word, something more temporary is. I'm okay with temporarily drifting away. Doing my own thing and changing my own life for awhile; coming back to them a better person.
But... I get so sad when the people I leave behind don't stay the same.
I want to leave them where they are, unmoving and unchanging. Always loving me. Being able to get right back in to that close bond that we always had.
Life isn't like that.
It's my sister. My sister, who would always go back to college.... Spend time with her friends there... but never really forget about her life here. She would always come back wanting to spend time with me. Even when I was running around with my friends, gone all the time, she would still want me around. We would make time for each other. She would request that I spend time with her, she would tell me things. I would tell her things. We were so close.
Somehow, I felt as though I could do my own thing, choose my friends, as long as she didn't. I don't know what I expected. When she used to come home for breaks, we would always get close again. Have that time for us.
Not this year.
This year, we both had our own things to do, barely talking to each other, barely touching each other's lives. She would go off with HER friends. I had to be the one to try to spend time with her. And I stepped up to the plate. I tried. I asked if she could spend some time with me.
But it never happened. She never opened up. I have no idea who she is anymore, where her life is going, how her life is now. She showed no interest in the things I tried telling her about my life. We used to be so close... and it's so hard. To realize this. I guess what really did it, is that she and Teddy went to the same New Year's Party with her friends. I get it, it's a college party, you don't want your 16-year-old sister running around there. But still. After I try so hard to reconnect with her, she can't make time for me, but she can of course make time for my much cooler brother. It sucks.
And her friends treat me like... how people who don't like animals treat their friends' pets.
Her friends came over for a bit before they left for the party. Just a couple of her college friends.
I was in the bathroom, straightening my hair. I guess her friend needed to get ready a little bit more too. Her friend came into the bathroom. I smiled in a friendly manner, apologetic even for using up the bathroom. She didn't smile. She grimaced.
Grimaced in disgust. The look on her face. It just made me feel like a bug on the bottom of her shoe.
And then she said, "Oh."
I never knew how condescending one syllable could sound until that moment.
"Oh. I need this when you're done."
No excuse me.... Nothing to show that she even thought I had any trace of emotion, or deserved any of her time. Deserved to be breathing her air, taking up her space.
And my sister doesn't care. She doesn't care about me anymore.
And then there's my friends. I used to have such a close connection with all of them; used to love them with all my heart, and they loved me with all of theirs. My life was so filled with love; we were all so closely bonded.
Now, I only have that with 2 people. 2 people who I can honestly say I feel entirely close to, that I want to share everything with, that I will always want around, that I love with all my heart, and that love me back with all of theirs.
And 2, theoretically, should be enough for anyone. 2 is so much more than so many people in this world. But I'm used to so much more. And once you get used to so much love, it's hard to lose so much of it.
To top it all off, I will be losing one of those people temporarily at 2 points in this year.
Joshua. One of the only people I have left. But he's so busy.
And he's going away over Spring Break. I'll have so much free time, but none of it to spend with him.
And then summer, he's leaving for Blue Lake. For quite a while. Longer than Spring Break. And that will be hard.
Throughout those times, I will only have one person.
Alsatia, I am so grateful that I have you. You're what makes me know that I will be able to make it through these absences without constantly being plagued by tears and loneliness. I love you so much for that.
Marc, it's also a great comfort that you will be here. You and I are getting closer and closer all the time, and I'm so grateful for that. And I know that you'll be here to listen to me complain and whine, and you'll be there to help me get my mind off it. You'll be there to make me laugh and pass the time. Thank you for that.
...Wow. I feel quite a bit better now. I will have you guys.... Really, there's so much to be grateful for right there.
The guy I love, the only person I want to be with, feels the same way about me. That's a blessing in itself.
It will be hard sometimes, but I will make it through this.
This must be it. Welcome to the new year.
[Note: Yes, I left a few people out who probably think they deserve to be counted among the number I listed above. But, you're not up there. If you think about it, I'm sure you'll be able to realize the reason on your own. And you know it's nothing personal, that I still love you guys, but it's not the same thing as what I have with those mentioned. And I'm not trying to start drama; in fact, I'm sick to death of drama. So please don't make this a bigger deal than it needs to be.]
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