There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how.

I've been wanting to blog for awhile now. And there are a lot of things I want to blog about. But I just really don't know if I should say everything on a blog that I want to say. Is there any point in trying to clarify to someone, if it will only mean making everything worse? Why not just keep the information to yourself?

I guess all I will say about that is, I think I'm too hard on myself a lot of the time. And I tend to blame myself rather than take circumstances into account. And maybe this time, it isn't my fault.

So now the other thing I planned on blogging about.

Taylor, I think you're like, the only person who still reads this blog. Or one of the only people. Or maybe you've stopped reading it. I don't really know. But I know that you left a comment on my recent post, and mentioned a quote from my blog in one of your own blog entries. (I don't really know why you were quoting my blog to someone, but then again, I also don't really care either way.) Isn't it weird that we do that, though? We still read each other's blogs, even though we never actually talk to each other. We still like to know what's going on in the other person's life, and check in on one another. Maybe for you, it's one of those "keep your friends close but your enemies closer" type of things. But I think, for both of us, it's more of an "Even though I have no desire to be your friend, I don't want to cut you out of my life entirely" kind of thing. After all the stuff I went through last year, I realized that there was a lot I wanted to say to you. And there still is, so now I will say it.

I want to apologize for all the pain I put you through. I never knew, before last year, what it was like to lose all your friends. To feel alone. To put up a facade so that no one would know how alone you really felt, and drift through the day counting the minutes until you could get home and take the wall down. What it feels like for the people you love to just decide that they can't deal with you anymore, and that you are too flawed to deserve their love. Last year, I learned how that feels. And it absolutely sucks. And I hate the fact that I put you or anyone through that. So, I'm sorry. I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart.

And I'm sorry for ever making it seem like I thought you were a bad person. Or if I ever made you feel like you were. Because you aren't. You have flaws, of course, but so does everyone else. There are a lot of good things about you, too. You're funny and creative, and you can be very generous, kind, and caring when you want to be. You certainly don't deserve everything I put you through. You're a good person. And even if you WERE an awful person (which you aren't), it's not up to me to be the judge of that. Only God should judge others. Or karma or whatever you believe in. So I apologize for that as well.

I'm sorry for all the shit I put you through during our friendship, as well. I'm sorry for all the times I took you for granted. I'm sorry for all the times I left you behind. I'm sorry for all the times I got mad at you for no reason, and illogically decided I was annoyed at you. And I'm sorry for never appreciating the fact that you put up with all of it.

Which brings me to another point. THANK YOU for all of that. I've never said it before, but thank you so much. Thank you for always sticking by me throughout our friendship even though I had no qualms with abandoning you. You honestly forgave me way more than I deserved. So thank you so much for doing that for me.

And thank you for accepting me no matter what. Lord knows that you saw my bad side. We argued quite frequently. Because I was *comfortable* getting angry around you. Which is something I don't think I can really say about anyone else. Because I trusted you to accept me. And you always, always did. You stuck by me, loving and accepting me, "no matter how ugly my ugly side got"--a quote from the only other person in this world to have done that. Unconditional love is the greatest and most undervalued gift you can possibly give someone, and you gave it to me generously. And for that, I thank you.

And thank you for being there for me even now, even though we barely ever speak. Even after all this time and all that I put you through, I still know I can always count on you. And I appreciate that more than I can possibly express. The fact that you will still be there for me is truly amazing, and it really shows what a great person you really are. Not many people would be willing to do that to someone who had put them through as much as I put you through.

And thank you for all the great times we had during our friendship. You were my best friend for about six years and as much as we had bad times, we had amazing times too. Thank you for all of that.

And I'm really, really glad you're happy now. I'm so glad you found Nick and I hope that everything goes well for you guys. And I wish you luck with everything in your future. If you work hard I know you can do anything you put your mind to.