Yayyy for broken computers! :D
I was going to actually have to do work today, because otherwise I'd fall behind. And I'd feel guilty if I was lazy and didn't work on my class, and fell behind. But luckily the library computers aren't letting me access my class, so I get to goof off without feeling guilty. :D Haha. I'll make it up this weekend. Or something. It's not hard to catch up. :)
My teeth hurt really, really badly. I thought I brought Tylenol this morning, but apparently I didn't. :P The pain is really distracting. Mrrrahhhhhhhh. I hate having braces. I feel like they make my smile look horrible. I can't wait until I get them off, and have nice straight teeth. I feel as though it will greatly improve my general appearance, since I smile so big and so often. I just can't wait to get them off. I feel like my teeth are straight enough now, so they should just take them off. Haha.
I feel like no one really understands me anymore. People never really understood me, but they used to have a general grasp of my thoughts and feelings, why I felt the way I did, how I felt, what I thought. They were able to sympathize. Now, no one is able to. Because no one knows how this feels. No matter how much I tell everyone how it feels, they'll never feel it. It doesn't help that most of my friends have not been truly in love, in the way I was. I feel like the only person who was able to understand that part of it was Eddie. What it's like to feel like you'll never love anyone else more. And the feeling that you will never find anyone more meant to be with you. It's just so frustrating, because I've said all of this before. And no one understands. Right now, I'm running at... I'd say like 80% of my total possible happiness. Which, you know, isn't bad. I've been pretty happy lately. Life gets stressful sometimes, but that's normal. I'm not totally overwhelmed with stress, and it's been pretty chill. And I'm pretty happy. But I'm not very happy. I feel like he is the only person who can make me 100% happy. Maybe in the future, I will be with someone. And I will fall in love with them. And I'm sure I'll love them very, very much. Maybe they can manage 95% happy. Which, you know, is good. But it's not 100%.
And I know, not everyone reaches the point of 100% happiness, at any point in time. I know I'm pretty fortunate in life, and that I have the chance to have a very nice life. 95% happiness is not bad. I just wish I didn't know that 100% would be possible, if I had him.
Even after two months, I guess it still hasn't TRULY set in that he will never, ever be mine. I mean, obviously I know that he won't. It's not that I think a miracle will happen, and he will be able to randomly make the decision that he's straight, and we'll be able to be together forever, growing old in love and mutual happiness. I KNOW that it isn't possible. But my mind and body refuse to accept it. I still can't shake the ever-present knowledge of how happy I'd be with him. My life would be exceptional, and amazing, if I could only be with him. And as much as I know it's not possible, I can't stop thinking about it. And I can't stop wanting it. And that is why I think I will never be truly happy with someone else. I will ALWAYS be wishing it was him. And I will always be thinking about the life I COULD'VE had with him, and comparing it with the life I have with someone else. And it will never be as good.
I know everyone will say it's only been two months. And that I'll eventually be with someone else, who will make me just as happy. But they just don't get it. And those same people are reading this right now, and rolling their eyes or not really believing me, or thinking of all the reasons why things won't be like that. But, it's because they can't possibly understand. They can't possibly feel what I am feeling.
And it's not even that I'm sad. I'm not sad. I stopped being sad. It's not that. I'm happy and content. I just know that this is how things will always be. And I know that this is how my life will go. I've accepted it, and I'm okay with it. Of course it will always be a little annoying that it is, but whatever. I'll just have to be as happy as I possibly can be, and that's what I intend to do. It is not like I'll be miserable forever or anything. I just won't ever be truly happy. I'm okay with it.
It makes sense to me that this happened, honestly. How often do people really get to spend a life like that, with someone they'd do anything for and love more than anything, and who will always make them happy no matter what? I'd say it probably happens once every 6 million people. If that. That's why people make movies about it. If it happened in real life, would we really want to watch a movie about it? It'd be like watching a movie about people eating nachos. We are entertained by movies because it's stuff that's exceptional; stuff that doesn't happen.
I always wondered what I did to deserve one of those rare relationships. And why I, of anyone, got the happiness that people so rarely get. I haven't done anything exceptional with my life. I'm not anything particularly great. It never made sense to me that I got to be so happy. So, this makes sense to me. Now my life is what everyone else's is; it's not anything particularly, exceptionally, one-in-a-million amazing. It's just life. And all I can do now is make myself as happy as I can be with this average life. People don't get a life like that. I'm just happy I got to experience it at all. At least fate gave me that. I got a year of happiness that one person in every million people ever feels; what will always be the best year of my life.
1/28/11
1/21/11
Is it your fear of being buried that makes you so afraid to speak?
Mannnn, I do not feel like doing work today.
I've had three study halls so far today, and I am pretty proud to say that I worked through all of them. So I think I can give myself a day off, when I'm totally caught up on everything. :)
You know what's worse than others losing respect for you? When you lose respect for yourself. Lately I have just been respecting myself less and less every day.
I mean, I used to be pretty proud of who I was as a person. I used to see myself as selfless, caring, logical, rational, and careful. I thought out decisions before I made them. I considered other people's feelings before I did anything, and made choices for others rather than myself. I was smart about my choices, and didn't ever regret them. I was proud of the choices I made in life.
Now, I'm not so sure.
I feel like ever since Josh dumped me, I've been so goddamn stupid. The decisions I make are so selfish. All I ever do anymore is hurt people. I just feel like I've been making such foolish choices, doing things without thinking them through. And it always turns out wrong, and makes everything more complicated.
I'm growing to hate myself. I see myself through everyone else's eyes, and I look like such a stupid, thoughtless teenage girl. I look like someone who doesn't care about anyone's feelings except her own. And I'm beginning to see it in myself, too.
I want to tell myself that I really have considered others in my decision making. I want to tell myself that I wasn't being selfish; that I was doing everything for what I thought was the best. But that's just not true. I could justify the things I did, but in the end, they were all for myself. I've been so thoughtless and stupid. In satisfying my selfish wants, I have hurt so many people. And more will be still to come.
I told everyone about Josh's secret. And why? Sure, it was an emotional situation, and I did need the advice and help. But, why should that make me tell four people? Shouldn't one or two be enough? Sure, for the most part, I did it to gain advice and consolation. But I can't deny that there was a part of me--a tiny, miniscule part, but it was still there--that was doing it for revenge. Out of anger. Part of me was mad at him for what he did to me. That part of me that felt hurt and betrayed and furious. And that part of me felt relief in telling so powerful a secret. It was my one way to get back at him. He did all that to me; why shouldn't I be allowed to do this one little thing to him? I felt like since he'd broken my heart so badly, I had every right to tell.
Of course, I never meant for it to get so out of hand. I wanted the four people I told to know, and no one else. But all along I had the sense of foreboding, that it was inevitable that it would get out. But I drowned out my subconscious's small, selfless warning with my selfish whims. And that is why I hate myself so much for doing that.
Then there's Alsatia. Alsatia, who stayed with me through two months of Hell on Earth. Who guided me through the worst time of my life. And how did I repay her? With coldness, and ridicule, and thoughtlessness. I stopped listening to her, and I blew her off. I was cold and insulting. She came to me with problems, but I was too self-absorbed to pay any mind to her. It was all about me, my problems, my life, my feelings.
But none of that compares to what I did to Emma. I tried to justify myself in what I did. And for some reason, I honestly thought what I was doing was okay. I guess she had just been so irrational, and angry, and cold for so long, that I didn't think her feelings deserved much thought. I felt bad that it would cause her pain, but it was a vague pang of conscience. To be honest, I felt like maybe she would partly deserve what she got, for all the pain and drama she had caused to my friends and within this group. What stupid, selfish, disgusting thoughts. It wasn't until she got back, and I saw that she was handling the situation in such a mature way. She didn't act cold to me, or yell, or cry, or anything. She just looked so... empty. And then it hit me. Not until then did I put myself in her place. I imagined how I would've felt if she started dating Josh less than a month after he broke up with me. I couldn't imagine anything more painful. And only then, after the deed was done, did it hit me. No one deserves that kind of pain. And even if someone did, who am I to decide that they deserve it? That's not my right; it's not up to me. I should never, ever have done that to her. Anyone who is truly caring and selfless would never do that to a friend, no matter how long it had been since they've been close, or what that friend had done in the past.
But I am not. I am selfish. I am selfish and unthinking and wrong. I will never, ever be able to forgive myself for what I did to her, even though she was gracious enough to forgive me. And I hate myself. I hate myself for everything that I have done in the past two and a half months. And for the pain it caused everyone, and has yet still to cause. I hate myself for these stupid decisions, rushed into without considering the consequences, without considering how it would affect the people around me. My self-respect has been so damaged, and the respect everyone else had for me. And soon, it will be even more. After reading this, I feel like everyone will be disillusioned. Even the people I love. I don't think they'll abandon me, but everyone will realize how little I really deserve their esteem. People, I feel, have the tendency to put me up on a pedestal. They see me as this great person, so deserving of the utmost respect, so much kinder and more caring than others. And now, they will know. They will know that I am so much less than I pretend to be. That I don't deserve anymore respect than anyone else, and in all likelihood I deserve less. Taylor has seen that. I can tell in the way she looks at me, that she sees me as beneath her. She sees me for who I really am, now. And all her respect is lost.
I guess there is nothing to do now except to accept the fact that I will lose people. To accept the fact that I've made so many mistakes, and that they have and will hurt everyone I love. I think I'm about to hit something like rock-bottom. And after that, I'll have nowhere to go but up. It's time to get myself to that point, so I can move on, and start again towards my goal of becoming the person I want to be. The person I've aspired to be. I feel like now that I see what it's like to make so many mistakes, I can do it better than ever before. This time, it can be genuine.
I'm sorry to everyone that I hurt. I know that that an apology, words, mean nothing. But I promise in the future I will show it with my actions. I will do my best to make it up. Maybe I never will be able to. I understand if I can't. But I will try.
I've had three study halls so far today, and I am pretty proud to say that I worked through all of them. So I think I can give myself a day off, when I'm totally caught up on everything. :)
You know what's worse than others losing respect for you? When you lose respect for yourself. Lately I have just been respecting myself less and less every day.
I mean, I used to be pretty proud of who I was as a person. I used to see myself as selfless, caring, logical, rational, and careful. I thought out decisions before I made them. I considered other people's feelings before I did anything, and made choices for others rather than myself. I was smart about my choices, and didn't ever regret them. I was proud of the choices I made in life.
Now, I'm not so sure.
I feel like ever since Josh dumped me, I've been so goddamn stupid. The decisions I make are so selfish. All I ever do anymore is hurt people. I just feel like I've been making such foolish choices, doing things without thinking them through. And it always turns out wrong, and makes everything more complicated.
I'm growing to hate myself. I see myself through everyone else's eyes, and I look like such a stupid, thoughtless teenage girl. I look like someone who doesn't care about anyone's feelings except her own. And I'm beginning to see it in myself, too.
I want to tell myself that I really have considered others in my decision making. I want to tell myself that I wasn't being selfish; that I was doing everything for what I thought was the best. But that's just not true. I could justify the things I did, but in the end, they were all for myself. I've been so thoughtless and stupid. In satisfying my selfish wants, I have hurt so many people. And more will be still to come.
I told everyone about Josh's secret. And why? Sure, it was an emotional situation, and I did need the advice and help. But, why should that make me tell four people? Shouldn't one or two be enough? Sure, for the most part, I did it to gain advice and consolation. But I can't deny that there was a part of me--a tiny, miniscule part, but it was still there--that was doing it for revenge. Out of anger. Part of me was mad at him for what he did to me. That part of me that felt hurt and betrayed and furious. And that part of me felt relief in telling so powerful a secret. It was my one way to get back at him. He did all that to me; why shouldn't I be allowed to do this one little thing to him? I felt like since he'd broken my heart so badly, I had every right to tell.
Of course, I never meant for it to get so out of hand. I wanted the four people I told to know, and no one else. But all along I had the sense of foreboding, that it was inevitable that it would get out. But I drowned out my subconscious's small, selfless warning with my selfish whims. And that is why I hate myself so much for doing that.
Then there's Alsatia. Alsatia, who stayed with me through two months of Hell on Earth. Who guided me through the worst time of my life. And how did I repay her? With coldness, and ridicule, and thoughtlessness. I stopped listening to her, and I blew her off. I was cold and insulting. She came to me with problems, but I was too self-absorbed to pay any mind to her. It was all about me, my problems, my life, my feelings.
But none of that compares to what I did to Emma. I tried to justify myself in what I did. And for some reason, I honestly thought what I was doing was okay. I guess she had just been so irrational, and angry, and cold for so long, that I didn't think her feelings deserved much thought. I felt bad that it would cause her pain, but it was a vague pang of conscience. To be honest, I felt like maybe she would partly deserve what she got, for all the pain and drama she had caused to my friends and within this group. What stupid, selfish, disgusting thoughts. It wasn't until she got back, and I saw that she was handling the situation in such a mature way. She didn't act cold to me, or yell, or cry, or anything. She just looked so... empty. And then it hit me. Not until then did I put myself in her place. I imagined how I would've felt if she started dating Josh less than a month after he broke up with me. I couldn't imagine anything more painful. And only then, after the deed was done, did it hit me. No one deserves that kind of pain. And even if someone did, who am I to decide that they deserve it? That's not my right; it's not up to me. I should never, ever have done that to her. Anyone who is truly caring and selfless would never do that to a friend, no matter how long it had been since they've been close, or what that friend had done in the past.
But I am not. I am selfish. I am selfish and unthinking and wrong. I will never, ever be able to forgive myself for what I did to her, even though she was gracious enough to forgive me. And I hate myself. I hate myself for everything that I have done in the past two and a half months. And for the pain it caused everyone, and has yet still to cause. I hate myself for these stupid decisions, rushed into without considering the consequences, without considering how it would affect the people around me. My self-respect has been so damaged, and the respect everyone else had for me. And soon, it will be even more. After reading this, I feel like everyone will be disillusioned. Even the people I love. I don't think they'll abandon me, but everyone will realize how little I really deserve their esteem. People, I feel, have the tendency to put me up on a pedestal. They see me as this great person, so deserving of the utmost respect, so much kinder and more caring than others. And now, they will know. They will know that I am so much less than I pretend to be. That I don't deserve anymore respect than anyone else, and in all likelihood I deserve less. Taylor has seen that. I can tell in the way she looks at me, that she sees me as beneath her. She sees me for who I really am, now. And all her respect is lost.
I guess there is nothing to do now except to accept the fact that I will lose people. To accept the fact that I've made so many mistakes, and that they have and will hurt everyone I love. I think I'm about to hit something like rock-bottom. And after that, I'll have nowhere to go but up. It's time to get myself to that point, so I can move on, and start again towards my goal of becoming the person I want to be. The person I've aspired to be. I feel like now that I see what it's like to make so many mistakes, I can do it better than ever before. This time, it can be genuine.
I'm sorry to everyone that I hurt. I know that that an apology, words, mean nothing. But I promise in the future I will show it with my actions. I will do my best to make it up. Maybe I never will be able to. I understand if I can't. But I will try.
1/14/11
And I can't see why you'd want to live here.
Siiiiiigh.
So, I'm sitting here in my online class again. I'm still a few assignments ahead, but I'd prefer to be working on things so that I can stay ahead. I'm in the mood for it today. But I can't work on anything, because the stupid school computers have the programs needed to play the sound files blocked. Normally it's okay because I can go down to a computer in Mrs. Dodge's office that doesn't have anything blocked, but today she's not here. And so here I am, blogging.
I guess I could work on it this weekend. I had a precalc test today (which I am feeling not at all confident about), and we watched a video in history, and we have a test in econ, so hopefully I can get away with no homework! :D That will be amazing. And it's a three-day weekend. So I'll have time to work on my class, as long as I don't get lazy and decide not to do it. XD
It's weird how I've gone back to floating through life again. I haven't felt this way since freshman year. It's like, being numb. I am just kinda drifting by, without really caring about stuff. I guess life just seems kinda surreal, like I'm going through the motions without really experiencing it. It's not good or bad. It's just there.
I think school is a big part of it. I feel like things just keep getting harder, and school is consuming my life. I go to school for the grand majority of the day, I come home and get on facebook for a couple hours, I shower, do homework, go to bed. Every day it's the same routine filled with stress and headaches and laziness. And I feel like it keeps getting more and more mundane. There used to seem to be at least a little variety, but now it seems like there is none. It's just doing the same exact things over and over again.
And it's winter. Which just makes it worse. It's too cold to go outside or do anything. I've been getting so restless lately. I want to do something, or change something. I wish I could go for a run, or rollerblade, or exercise. What really sounds nice right now is taking my dog on a really long walk. I enjoy walking my dog. I can turn on some good music and get lost in thought. I can do that without walking, but it's not the same. Walking helps me think. It gives me a sense of purpose, like I'm actually going somewhere. And I can take in different surroundings, and be active. I miss that. I want to go on a really long bike ride, out into the country. I used to do that with my sister over the summer, and it was always so amazing. You feel really good when you're done. Your legs burn and your chest hurts, but you feel like you accomplished something. And it's beautiful out there.
But I can't do any of those things, because it's too goddamn cold. I can't add any variety to my repetitive days. And it just makes me feel like things are pointless. I just sit at home and eat all the time. I have gained so much weight, I feel disgusting. But there is nothing else to do. So I just eat.
I am just so stir-crazy. I think everyone else feels it too. I feel like everyone around me has gotten a lot less lively. They're all so apathetic and spiritless and insipid. And it just makes me feel all the more uninterested in everything around me. I don't remember the last time we all got really excited about something, or had an exceptionally fun time together. I mean, I have fun, but it's all just chill. Nothing is energetic or invigorating. And I wish I could do something or go somewhere. I have never wanted a vacation more. I want to go somewhere warm, and I want to explore. I want to go hiking in a forest or swim in the ocean or scale a cliff. Or something. Just anything other than this. Anything different.
I hate the word boring. But that's what life has been lately. It's boring. Everything and everyone is low-key, low-spirited, low-energy. And it's just so boring.
But, I really shouldn't complain. I mean, I really am lucky. There is no major drama going on, and I have amazing friends, and I receive everything I ask for. Not that I deserve it. I feel like I'm getting progressively worse as a person. I hurt people and say and do things without caring about the feelings of the people around me. My redeeming qualities have been in hiding. And I'm getting less attractive as time goes on. But, despite all of that, I have people who are always there for me, and who love me. I get the things I want. And I should be thankful for that.
So, I'm sitting here in my online class again. I'm still a few assignments ahead, but I'd prefer to be working on things so that I can stay ahead. I'm in the mood for it today. But I can't work on anything, because the stupid school computers have the programs needed to play the sound files blocked. Normally it's okay because I can go down to a computer in Mrs. Dodge's office that doesn't have anything blocked, but today she's not here. And so here I am, blogging.
I guess I could work on it this weekend. I had a precalc test today (which I am feeling not at all confident about), and we watched a video in history, and we have a test in econ, so hopefully I can get away with no homework! :D That will be amazing. And it's a three-day weekend. So I'll have time to work on my class, as long as I don't get lazy and decide not to do it. XD
It's weird how I've gone back to floating through life again. I haven't felt this way since freshman year. It's like, being numb. I am just kinda drifting by, without really caring about stuff. I guess life just seems kinda surreal, like I'm going through the motions without really experiencing it. It's not good or bad. It's just there.
I think school is a big part of it. I feel like things just keep getting harder, and school is consuming my life. I go to school for the grand majority of the day, I come home and get on facebook for a couple hours, I shower, do homework, go to bed. Every day it's the same routine filled with stress and headaches and laziness. And I feel like it keeps getting more and more mundane. There used to seem to be at least a little variety, but now it seems like there is none. It's just doing the same exact things over and over again.
And it's winter. Which just makes it worse. It's too cold to go outside or do anything. I've been getting so restless lately. I want to do something, or change something. I wish I could go for a run, or rollerblade, or exercise. What really sounds nice right now is taking my dog on a really long walk. I enjoy walking my dog. I can turn on some good music and get lost in thought. I can do that without walking, but it's not the same. Walking helps me think. It gives me a sense of purpose, like I'm actually going somewhere. And I can take in different surroundings, and be active. I miss that. I want to go on a really long bike ride, out into the country. I used to do that with my sister over the summer, and it was always so amazing. You feel really good when you're done. Your legs burn and your chest hurts, but you feel like you accomplished something. And it's beautiful out there.
But I can't do any of those things, because it's too goddamn cold. I can't add any variety to my repetitive days. And it just makes me feel like things are pointless. I just sit at home and eat all the time. I have gained so much weight, I feel disgusting. But there is nothing else to do. So I just eat.
I am just so stir-crazy. I think everyone else feels it too. I feel like everyone around me has gotten a lot less lively. They're all so apathetic and spiritless and insipid. And it just makes me feel all the more uninterested in everything around me. I don't remember the last time we all got really excited about something, or had an exceptionally fun time together. I mean, I have fun, but it's all just chill. Nothing is energetic or invigorating. And I wish I could do something or go somewhere. I have never wanted a vacation more. I want to go somewhere warm, and I want to explore. I want to go hiking in a forest or swim in the ocean or scale a cliff. Or something. Just anything other than this. Anything different.
I hate the word boring. But that's what life has been lately. It's boring. Everything and everyone is low-key, low-spirited, low-energy. And it's just so boring.
But, I really shouldn't complain. I mean, I really am lucky. There is no major drama going on, and I have amazing friends, and I receive everything I ask for. Not that I deserve it. I feel like I'm getting progressively worse as a person. I hurt people and say and do things without caring about the feelings of the people around me. My redeeming qualities have been in hiding. And I'm getting less attractive as time goes on. But, despite all of that, I have people who are always there for me, and who love me. I get the things I want. And I should be thankful for that.
1/11/11
La la, how the life goes on.
I am ahead in my online class. By like a week. So here I am, blogging instead of working. :D
I feel like I lucked out, as far as virtual classes go. I was super stressed about it, but mine is really easy. I'm ahead a week, just by working through every class period. The instructor is great. She's really helpful and nice and responsive. And I actually feel like I'm learning stuff. I get this sense of pride when I can look at entire lengthy conversations in French and know exactly what they're saying. :D
Life has been life lately. Not exceedingly fantastic, but not particularly horrible. There are some things I'm worried about, but they're minor worries. Overall things have been good, and I'm enjoying the peace. :)
It's kind of crazy how much things can change within one month, and then settle down in the next. Alsatia and I always seem to find ourselves going through this cycle. We'll have a month or so of pure insanity, in which a ton of totally unexpected things happen and life becomes extremely crazy and stressful. But then, no matter how much it seems like things will never be alright again, and that I will never be able to relax again, it stops. All evidence to the contrary, life inevitably works itself out within a couple months. And then we have this. This calm before the next storm. It's crazy to think about what could happen next. Everything I could and couldn't imagine seems to have happened, and I can't fathom what else life could possibly throw at me. I just hope that it's not a death or something next time.
If Alsatia had any say, it would be pregnancy. XD She really wants someone to get pregnant. Or at least a pregnancy scare. All so she can be right. XD Silly girl.
I only have like a few more minutes left in which to right. That's okay though, since this blog has been pretty pointless in general. :D
Today is JMCT! :D How exciting is that. It has been far too long since I've enjoyed seeing Audrey's beautiful face, and devouring her delicious drinks. :D And by that I mean, it's been a week. XD
The play is coming up soon. It's craziness. I really hope I get in, but there is the legitimate fear that I won't. I feel like there aren't as many girl roles as usual, and Dakota and Jenna are pretty much guaranteed two of them since they're seniors and they're really good actors. I feel like I was more confident in my acting abilities before I watched myself act. I look so awkward on stage when I move. XD Oh well. At least now I know what I need to work on. Hopefully I can improve enough to get in. :D
Anyway, the bell's gonna ring soon, so I'm off.
Ja ne!
I feel like I lucked out, as far as virtual classes go. I was super stressed about it, but mine is really easy. I'm ahead a week, just by working through every class period. The instructor is great. She's really helpful and nice and responsive. And I actually feel like I'm learning stuff. I get this sense of pride when I can look at entire lengthy conversations in French and know exactly what they're saying. :D
Life has been life lately. Not exceedingly fantastic, but not particularly horrible. There are some things I'm worried about, but they're minor worries. Overall things have been good, and I'm enjoying the peace. :)
It's kind of crazy how much things can change within one month, and then settle down in the next. Alsatia and I always seem to find ourselves going through this cycle. We'll have a month or so of pure insanity, in which a ton of totally unexpected things happen and life becomes extremely crazy and stressful. But then, no matter how much it seems like things will never be alright again, and that I will never be able to relax again, it stops. All evidence to the contrary, life inevitably works itself out within a couple months. And then we have this. This calm before the next storm. It's crazy to think about what could happen next. Everything I could and couldn't imagine seems to have happened, and I can't fathom what else life could possibly throw at me. I just hope that it's not a death or something next time.
If Alsatia had any say, it would be pregnancy. XD She really wants someone to get pregnant. Or at least a pregnancy scare. All so she can be right. XD Silly girl.
I only have like a few more minutes left in which to right. That's okay though, since this blog has been pretty pointless in general. :D
Today is JMCT! :D How exciting is that. It has been far too long since I've enjoyed seeing Audrey's beautiful face, and devouring her delicious drinks. :D And by that I mean, it's been a week. XD
The play is coming up soon. It's craziness. I really hope I get in, but there is the legitimate fear that I won't. I feel like there aren't as many girl roles as usual, and Dakota and Jenna are pretty much guaranteed two of them since they're seniors and they're really good actors. I feel like I was more confident in my acting abilities before I watched myself act. I look so awkward on stage when I move. XD Oh well. At least now I know what I need to work on. Hopefully I can improve enough to get in. :D
Anyway, the bell's gonna ring soon, so I'm off.
Ja ne!
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