I'll wait until tomorrow. Maybe you'll feel better then. Maybe we'll be better then.

So what's another day, when I can't bear these nights of thoughts of going on without you?
This mood of yours is temporary. It seems worth the wait to see a smile again. Out of the corner of your eye won't be the only way you're looking at me then.


...I wish that song did not describe how I have been feeling lately so well.

Or, you know, the phrase "Lately the weather has been so bipolar, and consequently so have I."

But the sad thing is, it's not my fault that I've been bipolar recently. How my day is going depends on how his day is going, and most of the time these days they aren't going very well. I wish he could understand how much it affects me when he takes his stress out on me. I always try my best to put on a brave smile, to ignore it as much as possible. I know it's his stress talking more than him. But inside, I feel like I'm crumbling.
And the sad thing is, he isn't even at all aware of how much effort I put into this relationship. I push myself so hard to keep smiling throughout crappy situations. It's very rare that I ever make him own up to his mistakes, and when he hurts me I hide it so that he doesn't have to worry about it. Not just now, but always. In this relationship, I have learned a lot about compromise. I've learned how to take disappointment and rejection and bottle them up and turn them into something positive. And always, always, hide them. I'm always blaming myself for everything. And I kind of feel like even if I could stop blaming myself for a few seconds--consider that maybe possibly it is not all my fault--then that still wouldn't accomplish anything. Half the time if I try to say anything, he just gets irritated. So I put all my strength into hiding it, so that he won't get annoyed at me, and won't look at me with those cold eyes that make me feel like nothing matters. And it's just so DRAINING. Normally I can handle it, since it doesn't happen often and only lasts for a few days, and the good always makes up for the bad. But it's been going on for almost a month now. Good moments have been few and far between. This is the longest I've ever had to hold on my fake smile and swallow my words while inside I am consumed by self-doubt, guilt, and the ever-present feeling of rejection. It's started to make me do crazy things. I get jealous in situations that I normally never would. I've been seeing emotions in other people that aren't really there--like infatuation that doesn't exist. I've been taking my anger and sadness out on poor dear Alsatia, who amazingly has been putting up with me throughout all my bitchiness. But I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. I spend the great majority of my time feeling either empty, stressed, angry, or miserable. And I hide it and hide it and hide it from everyone except Alsatia. But it's always there. I feel like at any minute I could have a breakdown and just start crying or throwing things. I hear people complaining about tiny little faults in their relationships, and it irritates me. I can't help but think "You wouldn't last a month in my shoes." Which makes it all the more irritating that they're complaining, when their relationship is so amazing, and meanwhile here I am fighting every day to stop myself from breaking down. Seeing happy couples, which used to bring me joy, now brings me envy and regret.

But, of course, I don't blame him. It's my fault for feeling rejected over stupid stuff. I'm taking things too seriously and too personally. I should just be able to shrug it off, right? Assure myself that he loves me, and he's just stressed about other stuff. That he thinks I'm a worthwhile person. But every day, it gets harder. Every day, I lose more and more confidence. I wish that his moods and words didn't affect me so much. But that's just not the case. One smile from him can make everything wonderful, and one tactless act can ruin my day. When he's happy, I'm happy, no matter what is going on in my life. And when he's stressed and upset, I'm stressed and upset. I don't know how much longer I can deal with him acting like this, but I also know that I can't deal with even the idea of not having him around. It's an endless cycle; a catch-22. What do you do when the thing you can't live without is the thing that makes you miserable?

Sometimes, things seem to be getting better. He'll have a day where he's happy, and he'll act like he loves me again, and he'll be MY Josh, and not his evil twin. And I'll start building up hope that maybe things will stay like this. Maybe the funk is over, and things can go back to normal. And I can go back to being happy again.
Unfortunately, it never lasts.