I could go anywhere with you, and I'd probably be happy.

Providence has been looking out for me this weekend, and for that I am grateful. As everyone knows, I was grounded this weekend. For no reason. But, things are much better than they could be. I have things to be grateful for. It is extremely serendipitous that the weekend that I have to be grounded is this one. Today was setbuilding, so I got to hang out with friends and have stimulating and fun conversation, as well as keep busy. Also, the weather has decided to be beautiful today, so I ended up soaking up the sun rollerblading and listening to music outside, laying in the sun. It was great. And I didn't need a coat to be comfortable; I was perfectly fine with a sweater, which was amazing.

If you look at it, things could've been a lot worse. There could've been no setbuilding, and the weather could've been much worse. That means I would have no contact with friends for 2 entire days, and be cooped up in the house with only my parents for company. Instead I got to have fun and see friends, as well as enjoy some great weather. Really I feel like fate is watching out for me, which is nice.

Of course, that does not mean everything is wonderful. In the end, I discovered that I can be cheerful and smile again. I can laugh and have fun and enjoy others' company. I can have polite conversation with my mother without breaking out in tears. But that doesn't mean everything is better.
Her words still weigh on my heart. They're still there. She said them, and nothing she could say or do could take them back. People tell me that it's just because she was angry at the time, but I honestly do think that is how she feels. There is some grain of truth in every angry statement. And... feeling like a disappointment. Feeling unloved. It hurts a lot. And it's something that sticks with you. The poison has spread through my blood stream, and it's too late to get it out now. I think that it is something that will always stay with me, in the back of my mind, and weigh me down a little bit.
I don't know. Something just seems to have broken. I can't find any love for my mother in my heart. All I can find is bitterness and resentment. No vestiges of fondness remain. And I'm honestly not sure that that will ever change. Now that it's happened, I can't just go back. I can't just forget. That's not how life works.
And that kind of sucks, you know. Thinking you had 2 loving parents, that you loved your family, and then having everything changed. I don't know. I guess I kind of somehow thought that family love was invincible. There is evidence to the contrary all around me, but I thought that if it existed it couldn't be taken away. But in the end, all family is are separate, different people that you happen to live with. And if you can lose love for people, stop loving them, it makes sense that you can lose love for family members. I guess it just never really occured to me until now that that could happen. So it's a big shock. It hurts, and it feels unnatural. But I can't change it. And so, I will learn to live with it.

I have so much love in my life. I have so many friends that will always be there when I need them. I have a guy in my life that I have extremely strong feelings for and who, by some miracle, feels the same about me. I have siblings that I share a bond with, no matter how far away they go or how long they're gone. I have a deep love for all these people, and I receive so much love from all of them in return. For that reason, I can continue to smile. I can continue to laugh. I can continue to be happy. For that reason, I will hold my head high, and I will walk on.