10/2/13
Maybe I think you're cute and funny.
Maybe I wanna do what bunnies do with you, if you know what I mean.
8/15/13
There is nothing I want more in this moment than to be able to text my boyfriend and tell him that I'm lonely.
But I can't do that anymore, because there is no boyfriend anymore. There is just me. Just sad, longing, lonely me.
Humans are not designed to exist as individual units. There's this ancient Greek legend that claims that when humans were first formed, they had four legs and four arms, and a single head with two faces. Of these humans, some were men, some were women, and some were androgynous--both genders. But these humans were too powerful, and they were a threat to the gods. To eradicate that threat, and punish humans for their pride, Zeus split the creatures in half. However, this split caused them to be in such utter misery that they would not eat and began to die off. Apollo reconstituted the bodies so that parts of them would harken back to the original form, but the humans were still destined to forever long for their other half.
This is just a legend, but it rings true so thoroughly. Two humans that manage to fall in love are so much stronger together than anyone is by themselves. It's in our nature to seek others out; to long for a partnership, because that is how we were designed and how we thrive.
There's a reason that humans can take so long to grow up. It's because when we mate, we mate for life. We work together for years to raise someone who is self-sufficient. It's something that couldn't be accomplished if our relationships were only meant to last for two or three years.
And I know that these days, the divorce rate is 53%. And looking at those odds, it's hard to believe that two people really could stay together forever. That the love you feel so passionately in the beginning really can last. But I've seen it happen. I've grown up in a family full of happy marriages. Both sets of grandparents, the vast majority of my aunts and uncles. In particular, my parents. My parents have been married for 26 years now and they still hold hands in the car, and cuddle when they watch movies, and laugh at each other's jokes. Their love has evolved and changed over the years, but I can tell it's still just as powerful as it was in the beginning.
So I've grown up knowing that committed relationships can work. I've grown up seeing lasting love before my own eyes every day. And maybe that's why I commit as hard as I do to relationships. Why even in 8th grade, my first relationship lasted so much longer than most do at that age, and those long relationships have been my experience for my life to date. It takes me a long time to fall for someone, but once I do, there is no going back. Once I fall for you, I'm with you until you force me away. I am fully and wholeheartedly committed to you for conceivably the rest of my life. It's why I've been ready to commit to one person for the rest of my life at the age of 16. It's why when you talk about marriage, and tell me you want a future with me, and secretly propose to me, I expect us to be together for the rest of our lives. And I look forward to it.
And that's why I will never be the type of person who wants to have a lot of relationships. I don't think I'm the type of person who is capable of having a lot of relationships. I invest so much of my heart and soul, my trust and my self, into relationships that when one ends it is literally as though I am irrevocably losing a piece of all of those things. And for this reason, the more failed relationships I go through, the more I will lose myself forever.
When I enter a relationship, because I enter it so fully and completely, it comes to define me. It becomes my number one priority and I would give up anything for it. Without trying to, I take on the personality traits and mannerisms of the person I'm with. I change myself so that I can make the other person happy; keep the relationship strong. If the person I'm with likes their space, I become the most understanding person ever as far as being blown off and giving them alone time and time to hang out with other people, etc. If I'm with someone who's jealous, I limit what I do and who I hang out with so that I can make sure that they don't feel threatened by anything. I always sacrifice so much of myself, but I always think it's worth it. Which is why it baffles me so much when people decide that it isn't.
I mean, I try my hardest to be a good girlfriend. In any relationship I'm in. And I have flaws, of course, but I think I do a fairly good job of it. And honestly, I think I'm a pretty cool person overall. I'm smart, interesting, understanding, funny. I'm not hideous to look at and have a pretty kickass body. And I try really hard to please others. I know that with who I am as a person, I could easily be in a relationship that would last and stay happy forever (not that it would be perfect, but no relationship ever is). I'm just getting scared that I will never find someone who is the same.
And people keep telling me that I'm young, that I have plenty of time, that I need to experience lots of different people and relationships, blah blah blah. But emotionally, as far as relationships go, I'm extremely mature. And I have been since the first time I fell in love. As soon as that happens I'm as serious as I will ever be able to be. Ready to change and compromise and give up everything and work through problems and be in it for the long haul. I've been like that since 16 and no amount of future relationships is going to make that any stronger. I don't feel like there is anything more I need to learn in that respect. Call me naive if you want to, but I really don't. It's not like I get better at relationships the more relationships I have. If anything, I get worse, because like I said each time I go through a relationship I give so much of myself to it that when it ends I lose a part of myself. And if it happens too many times I will stop being able to trust people altogether. So I don't want anymore experience. I just want one person to be with for forever.
And being that kind of person, it doesn't matter how young I am. Age doesn't define how much something hurts. It doesn't define the pain of loss or loneliness. You feel all that stuff to the degree of how much you emotionally invest in things. And how resilient you are. And I'm not resilient. I'm oversensitive to a fault. I'm wounded easily. I mean, once I know someone loves me they can make fun of me all they want. But if you're going to make fun of me you have to reassure me that you love me in equal parts.Which is something that people have a remarkably hard time with. And I end up hurting over it.
...That's not exactly an excellent way to end this post, but I feel like I've written out my feelings as much as I needed to at this point. I've never been too good at conclusions anyway.
But I can't do that anymore, because there is no boyfriend anymore. There is just me. Just sad, longing, lonely me.
Humans are not designed to exist as individual units. There's this ancient Greek legend that claims that when humans were first formed, they had four legs and four arms, and a single head with two faces. Of these humans, some were men, some were women, and some were androgynous--both genders. But these humans were too powerful, and they were a threat to the gods. To eradicate that threat, and punish humans for their pride, Zeus split the creatures in half. However, this split caused them to be in such utter misery that they would not eat and began to die off. Apollo reconstituted the bodies so that parts of them would harken back to the original form, but the humans were still destined to forever long for their other half.
This is just a legend, but it rings true so thoroughly. Two humans that manage to fall in love are so much stronger together than anyone is by themselves. It's in our nature to seek others out; to long for a partnership, because that is how we were designed and how we thrive.
There's a reason that humans can take so long to grow up. It's because when we mate, we mate for life. We work together for years to raise someone who is self-sufficient. It's something that couldn't be accomplished if our relationships were only meant to last for two or three years.
And I know that these days, the divorce rate is 53%. And looking at those odds, it's hard to believe that two people really could stay together forever. That the love you feel so passionately in the beginning really can last. But I've seen it happen. I've grown up in a family full of happy marriages. Both sets of grandparents, the vast majority of my aunts and uncles. In particular, my parents. My parents have been married for 26 years now and they still hold hands in the car, and cuddle when they watch movies, and laugh at each other's jokes. Their love has evolved and changed over the years, but I can tell it's still just as powerful as it was in the beginning.
So I've grown up knowing that committed relationships can work. I've grown up seeing lasting love before my own eyes every day. And maybe that's why I commit as hard as I do to relationships. Why even in 8th grade, my first relationship lasted so much longer than most do at that age, and those long relationships have been my experience for my life to date. It takes me a long time to fall for someone, but once I do, there is no going back. Once I fall for you, I'm with you until you force me away. I am fully and wholeheartedly committed to you for conceivably the rest of my life. It's why I've been ready to commit to one person for the rest of my life at the age of 16. It's why when you talk about marriage, and tell me you want a future with me, and secretly propose to me, I expect us to be together for the rest of our lives. And I look forward to it.
And that's why I will never be the type of person who wants to have a lot of relationships. I don't think I'm the type of person who is capable of having a lot of relationships. I invest so much of my heart and soul, my trust and my self, into relationships that when one ends it is literally as though I am irrevocably losing a piece of all of those things. And for this reason, the more failed relationships I go through, the more I will lose myself forever.
When I enter a relationship, because I enter it so fully and completely, it comes to define me. It becomes my number one priority and I would give up anything for it. Without trying to, I take on the personality traits and mannerisms of the person I'm with. I change myself so that I can make the other person happy; keep the relationship strong. If the person I'm with likes their space, I become the most understanding person ever as far as being blown off and giving them alone time and time to hang out with other people, etc. If I'm with someone who's jealous, I limit what I do and who I hang out with so that I can make sure that they don't feel threatened by anything. I always sacrifice so much of myself, but I always think it's worth it. Which is why it baffles me so much when people decide that it isn't.
I mean, I try my hardest to be a good girlfriend. In any relationship I'm in. And I have flaws, of course, but I think I do a fairly good job of it. And honestly, I think I'm a pretty cool person overall. I'm smart, interesting, understanding, funny. I'm not hideous to look at and have a pretty kickass body. And I try really hard to please others. I know that with who I am as a person, I could easily be in a relationship that would last and stay happy forever (not that it would be perfect, but no relationship ever is). I'm just getting scared that I will never find someone who is the same.
And people keep telling me that I'm young, that I have plenty of time, that I need to experience lots of different people and relationships, blah blah blah. But emotionally, as far as relationships go, I'm extremely mature. And I have been since the first time I fell in love. As soon as that happens I'm as serious as I will ever be able to be. Ready to change and compromise and give up everything and work through problems and be in it for the long haul. I've been like that since 16 and no amount of future relationships is going to make that any stronger. I don't feel like there is anything more I need to learn in that respect. Call me naive if you want to, but I really don't. It's not like I get better at relationships the more relationships I have. If anything, I get worse, because like I said each time I go through a relationship I give so much of myself to it that when it ends I lose a part of myself. And if it happens too many times I will stop being able to trust people altogether. So I don't want anymore experience. I just want one person to be with for forever.
And being that kind of person, it doesn't matter how young I am. Age doesn't define how much something hurts. It doesn't define the pain of loss or loneliness. You feel all that stuff to the degree of how much you emotionally invest in things. And how resilient you are. And I'm not resilient. I'm oversensitive to a fault. I'm wounded easily. I mean, once I know someone loves me they can make fun of me all they want. But if you're going to make fun of me you have to reassure me that you love me in equal parts.Which is something that people have a remarkably hard time with. And I end up hurting over it.
...That's not exactly an excellent way to end this post, but I feel like I've written out my feelings as much as I needed to at this point. I've never been too good at conclusions anyway.
12/10/12
11/9/11
It's a mistake to let your happiness depend on someone else. It always is. It never works out and it ultimately ends up hurting you. Every time. Don't do it. Just don't.
I always tell myself this, and then I go and let my happiness depend on another person anyway. It's so stupid. All it's ever done for me is make me doubt every single thing I do, hate myself for every tiny mistake, hurt the people around me, and bottle up resentment and anger. I'm so sick of this. I just wish I could be good enough for SOMEONE.
I always tell myself this, and then I go and let my happiness depend on another person anyway. It's so stupid. All it's ever done for me is make me doubt every single thing I do, hate myself for every tiny mistake, hurt the people around me, and bottle up resentment and anger. I'm so sick of this. I just wish I could be good enough for SOMEONE.
10/20/11
Spread sunshine all over the place; just put on a happy face!
I've recently decided that I'm going to respond with a cheery smile and, "Wonderful!" every time someone asks me how I am. Even if I am not wonderful at all, if I act like it, for some reason it helps me feel a little bit better. And I've noticed that people tend to give me really genuine smiles in return, even if their "how are you?" was only half-hearted and disinterested.
I've also complimented people a lot lately. I don't force compliments at all, but I tend to look for the good in every person I see. There is something good to be said about every single person in this world. Even super-mega-ultra bitch monster Mrs. Zessin must have SOME good things about her. After all, she is married. She has lovely eyes, when they're not glaring at you.
When I notice all these good things about people, I just tell them. Without really thinking about what I'm saying, it just comes out. Even stuff that isn't really normal, like "Your eyes are a lovely color" or "I love how your hair is different every day; it's so pretty." I like complimenting people. And I like that it makes them happy.
My goal remains of wanting to be someone that can spread happiness to the people around them. These are little things, but they're a step. And I'm going to keep building on to these actions. Just add more and more little things. Helping someone out who has dropped something, looking out for the people around me a little more. The other day, Brooke (a.k.a. Cosette) was struggling to get her scooter into the door. At first it didn't occur to me that she might need help, and walked by. Then I realized I should help her, and so I did, and I was really glad I did. Just little things like that. And eventually, the little things might have a big impact. :)
I've also complimented people a lot lately. I don't force compliments at all, but I tend to look for the good in every person I see. There is something good to be said about every single person in this world. Even super-mega-ultra bitch monster Mrs. Zessin must have SOME good things about her. After all, she is married. She has lovely eyes, when they're not glaring at you.
When I notice all these good things about people, I just tell them. Without really thinking about what I'm saying, it just comes out. Even stuff that isn't really normal, like "Your eyes are a lovely color" or "I love how your hair is different every day; it's so pretty." I like complimenting people. And I like that it makes them happy.
My goal remains of wanting to be someone that can spread happiness to the people around them. These are little things, but they're a step. And I'm going to keep building on to these actions. Just add more and more little things. Helping someone out who has dropped something, looking out for the people around me a little more. The other day, Brooke (a.k.a. Cosette) was struggling to get her scooter into the door. At first it didn't occur to me that she might need help, and walked by. Then I realized I should help her, and so I did, and I was really glad I did. Just little things like that. And eventually, the little things might have a big impact. :)
8/23/11
There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how.
I've been wanting to blog for awhile now. And there are a lot of things I want to blog about. But I just really don't know if I should say everything on a blog that I want to say. Is there any point in trying to clarify to someone, if it will only mean making everything worse? Why not just keep the information to yourself?
I guess all I will say about that is, I think I'm too hard on myself a lot of the time. And I tend to blame myself rather than take circumstances into account. And maybe this time, it isn't my fault.
So now the other thing I planned on blogging about.
Taylor, I think you're like, the only person who still reads this blog. Or one of the only people. Or maybe you've stopped reading it. I don't really know. But I know that you left a comment on my recent post, and mentioned a quote from my blog in one of your own blog entries. (I don't really know why you were quoting my blog to someone, but then again, I also don't really care either way.) Isn't it weird that we do that, though? We still read each other's blogs, even though we never actually talk to each other. We still like to know what's going on in the other person's life, and check in on one another. Maybe for you, it's one of those "keep your friends close but your enemies closer" type of things. But I think, for both of us, it's more of an "Even though I have no desire to be your friend, I don't want to cut you out of my life entirely" kind of thing. After all the stuff I went through last year, I realized that there was a lot I wanted to say to you. And there still is, so now I will say it.
I want to apologize for all the pain I put you through. I never knew, before last year, what it was like to lose all your friends. To feel alone. To put up a facade so that no one would know how alone you really felt, and drift through the day counting the minutes until you could get home and take the wall down. What it feels like for the people you love to just decide that they can't deal with you anymore, and that you are too flawed to deserve their love. Last year, I learned how that feels. And it absolutely sucks. And I hate the fact that I put you or anyone through that. So, I'm sorry. I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart.
And I'm sorry for ever making it seem like I thought you were a bad person. Or if I ever made you feel like you were. Because you aren't. You have flaws, of course, but so does everyone else. There are a lot of good things about you, too. You're funny and creative, and you can be very generous, kind, and caring when you want to be. You certainly don't deserve everything I put you through. You're a good person. And even if you WERE an awful person (which you aren't), it's not up to me to be the judge of that. Only God should judge others. Or karma or whatever you believe in. So I apologize for that as well.
I'm sorry for all the shit I put you through during our friendship, as well. I'm sorry for all the times I took you for granted. I'm sorry for all the times I left you behind. I'm sorry for all the times I got mad at you for no reason, and illogically decided I was annoyed at you. And I'm sorry for never appreciating the fact that you put up with all of it.
Which brings me to another point. THANK YOU for all of that. I've never said it before, but thank you so much. Thank you for always sticking by me throughout our friendship even though I had no qualms with abandoning you. You honestly forgave me way more than I deserved. So thank you so much for doing that for me.
And thank you for accepting me no matter what. Lord knows that you saw my bad side. We argued quite frequently. Because I was *comfortable* getting angry around you. Which is something I don't think I can really say about anyone else. Because I trusted you to accept me. And you always, always did. You stuck by me, loving and accepting me, "no matter how ugly my ugly side got"--a quote from the only other person in this world to have done that. Unconditional love is the greatest and most undervalued gift you can possibly give someone, and you gave it to me generously. And for that, I thank you.
And thank you for being there for me even now, even though we barely ever speak. Even after all this time and all that I put you through, I still know I can always count on you. And I appreciate that more than I can possibly express. The fact that you will still be there for me is truly amazing, and it really shows what a great person you really are. Not many people would be willing to do that to someone who had put them through as much as I put you through.
And thank you for all the great times we had during our friendship. You were my best friend for about six years and as much as we had bad times, we had amazing times too. Thank you for all of that.
And I'm really, really glad you're happy now. I'm so glad you found Nick and I hope that everything goes well for you guys. And I wish you luck with everything in your future. If you work hard I know you can do anything you put your mind to.
I guess all I will say about that is, I think I'm too hard on myself a lot of the time. And I tend to blame myself rather than take circumstances into account. And maybe this time, it isn't my fault.
So now the other thing I planned on blogging about.
Taylor, I think you're like, the only person who still reads this blog. Or one of the only people. Or maybe you've stopped reading it. I don't really know. But I know that you left a comment on my recent post, and mentioned a quote from my blog in one of your own blog entries. (I don't really know why you were quoting my blog to someone, but then again, I also don't really care either way.) Isn't it weird that we do that, though? We still read each other's blogs, even though we never actually talk to each other. We still like to know what's going on in the other person's life, and check in on one another. Maybe for you, it's one of those "keep your friends close but your enemies closer" type of things. But I think, for both of us, it's more of an "Even though I have no desire to be your friend, I don't want to cut you out of my life entirely" kind of thing. After all the stuff I went through last year, I realized that there was a lot I wanted to say to you. And there still is, so now I will say it.
I want to apologize for all the pain I put you through. I never knew, before last year, what it was like to lose all your friends. To feel alone. To put up a facade so that no one would know how alone you really felt, and drift through the day counting the minutes until you could get home and take the wall down. What it feels like for the people you love to just decide that they can't deal with you anymore, and that you are too flawed to deserve their love. Last year, I learned how that feels. And it absolutely sucks. And I hate the fact that I put you or anyone through that. So, I'm sorry. I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart.
And I'm sorry for ever making it seem like I thought you were a bad person. Or if I ever made you feel like you were. Because you aren't. You have flaws, of course, but so does everyone else. There are a lot of good things about you, too. You're funny and creative, and you can be very generous, kind, and caring when you want to be. You certainly don't deserve everything I put you through. You're a good person. And even if you WERE an awful person (which you aren't), it's not up to me to be the judge of that. Only God should judge others. Or karma or whatever you believe in. So I apologize for that as well.
I'm sorry for all the shit I put you through during our friendship, as well. I'm sorry for all the times I took you for granted. I'm sorry for all the times I left you behind. I'm sorry for all the times I got mad at you for no reason, and illogically decided I was annoyed at you. And I'm sorry for never appreciating the fact that you put up with all of it.
Which brings me to another point. THANK YOU for all of that. I've never said it before, but thank you so much. Thank you for always sticking by me throughout our friendship even though I had no qualms with abandoning you. You honestly forgave me way more than I deserved. So thank you so much for doing that for me.
And thank you for accepting me no matter what. Lord knows that you saw my bad side. We argued quite frequently. Because I was *comfortable* getting angry around you. Which is something I don't think I can really say about anyone else. Because I trusted you to accept me. And you always, always did. You stuck by me, loving and accepting me, "no matter how ugly my ugly side got"--a quote from the only other person in this world to have done that. Unconditional love is the greatest and most undervalued gift you can possibly give someone, and you gave it to me generously. And for that, I thank you.
And thank you for being there for me even now, even though we barely ever speak. Even after all this time and all that I put you through, I still know I can always count on you. And I appreciate that more than I can possibly express. The fact that you will still be there for me is truly amazing, and it really shows what a great person you really are. Not many people would be willing to do that to someone who had put them through as much as I put you through.
And thank you for all the great times we had during our friendship. You were my best friend for about six years and as much as we had bad times, we had amazing times too. Thank you for all of that.
And I'm really, really glad you're happy now. I'm so glad you found Nick and I hope that everything goes well for you guys. And I wish you luck with everything in your future. If you work hard I know you can do anything you put your mind to.
6/30/11
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