It's a mistake to let your happiness depend on someone else. It always is. It never works out and it ultimately ends up hurting you. Every time. Don't do it. Just don't.

I always tell myself this, and then I go and let my happiness depend on another person anyway. It's so stupid. All it's ever done for me is make me doubt every single thing I do, hate myself for every tiny mistake, hurt the people around me, and bottle up resentment and anger. I'm so sick of this. I just wish I could be good enough for SOMEONE.

Spread sunshine all over the place; just put on a happy face!

I've recently decided that I'm going to respond with a cheery smile and, "Wonderful!" every time someone asks me how I am. Even if I am not wonderful at all, if I act like it, for some reason it helps me feel a little bit better. And I've noticed that people tend to give me really genuine smiles in return, even if their "how are you?" was only half-hearted and disinterested.
I've also complimented people a lot lately. I don't force compliments at all, but I tend to look for the good in every person I see. There is something good to be said about every single person in this world. Even super-mega-ultra bitch monster Mrs. Zessin must have SOME good things about her. After all, she is married. She has lovely eyes, when they're not glaring at you.
When I notice all these good things about people, I just tell them. Without really thinking about what I'm saying, it just comes out. Even stuff that isn't really normal, like "Your eyes are a lovely color" or "I love how your hair is different every day; it's so pretty." I like complimenting people. And I like that it makes them happy.
My goal remains of wanting to be someone that can spread happiness to the people around them. These are little things, but they're a step. And I'm going to keep building on to these actions. Just add more and more little things. Helping someone out who has dropped something, looking out for the people around me a little more. The other day, Brooke (a.k.a. Cosette) was struggling to get her scooter into the door. At first it didn't occur to me that she might need help, and walked by. Then I realized I should help her, and so I did, and I was really glad I did. Just little things like that. And eventually, the little things might have a big impact. :)

There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how.

I've been wanting to blog for awhile now. And there are a lot of things I want to blog about. But I just really don't know if I should say everything on a blog that I want to say. Is there any point in trying to clarify to someone, if it will only mean making everything worse? Why not just keep the information to yourself?

I guess all I will say about that is, I think I'm too hard on myself a lot of the time. And I tend to blame myself rather than take circumstances into account. And maybe this time, it isn't my fault.

So now the other thing I planned on blogging about.

Taylor, I think you're like, the only person who still reads this blog. Or one of the only people. Or maybe you've stopped reading it. I don't really know. But I know that you left a comment on my recent post, and mentioned a quote from my blog in one of your own blog entries. (I don't really know why you were quoting my blog to someone, but then again, I also don't really care either way.) Isn't it weird that we do that, though? We still read each other's blogs, even though we never actually talk to each other. We still like to know what's going on in the other person's life, and check in on one another. Maybe for you, it's one of those "keep your friends close but your enemies closer" type of things. But I think, for both of us, it's more of an "Even though I have no desire to be your friend, I don't want to cut you out of my life entirely" kind of thing. After all the stuff I went through last year, I realized that there was a lot I wanted to say to you. And there still is, so now I will say it.

I want to apologize for all the pain I put you through. I never knew, before last year, what it was like to lose all your friends. To feel alone. To put up a facade so that no one would know how alone you really felt, and drift through the day counting the minutes until you could get home and take the wall down. What it feels like for the people you love to just decide that they can't deal with you anymore, and that you are too flawed to deserve their love. Last year, I learned how that feels. And it absolutely sucks. And I hate the fact that I put you or anyone through that. So, I'm sorry. I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart.

And I'm sorry for ever making it seem like I thought you were a bad person. Or if I ever made you feel like you were. Because you aren't. You have flaws, of course, but so does everyone else. There are a lot of good things about you, too. You're funny and creative, and you can be very generous, kind, and caring when you want to be. You certainly don't deserve everything I put you through. You're a good person. And even if you WERE an awful person (which you aren't), it's not up to me to be the judge of that. Only God should judge others. Or karma or whatever you believe in. So I apologize for that as well.

I'm sorry for all the shit I put you through during our friendship, as well. I'm sorry for all the times I took you for granted. I'm sorry for all the times I left you behind. I'm sorry for all the times I got mad at you for no reason, and illogically decided I was annoyed at you. And I'm sorry for never appreciating the fact that you put up with all of it.

Which brings me to another point. THANK YOU for all of that. I've never said it before, but thank you so much. Thank you for always sticking by me throughout our friendship even though I had no qualms with abandoning you. You honestly forgave me way more than I deserved. So thank you so much for doing that for me.

And thank you for accepting me no matter what. Lord knows that you saw my bad side. We argued quite frequently. Because I was *comfortable* getting angry around you. Which is something I don't think I can really say about anyone else. Because I trusted you to accept me. And you always, always did. You stuck by me, loving and accepting me, "no matter how ugly my ugly side got"--a quote from the only other person in this world to have done that. Unconditional love is the greatest and most undervalued gift you can possibly give someone, and you gave it to me generously. And for that, I thank you.

And thank you for being there for me even now, even though we barely ever speak. Even after all this time and all that I put you through, I still know I can always count on you. And I appreciate that more than I can possibly express. The fact that you will still be there for me is truly amazing, and it really shows what a great person you really are. Not many people would be willing to do that to someone who had put them through as much as I put you through.

And thank you for all the great times we had during our friendship. You were my best friend for about six years and as much as we had bad times, we had amazing times too. Thank you for all of that.

And I'm really, really glad you're happy now. I'm so glad you found Nick and I hope that everything goes well for you guys. And I wish you luck with everything in your future. If you work hard I know you can do anything you put your mind to.

I'm so confused.

That is all.

Though spring, it did come slowly, I guess it did its part: my heart has thawed and continues to beat.

Here I am again, at the end of another school year. And I can't believe I made it through. Junior year was the hardest year of my life. Pretty much the entire thing was a struggle. At the beginning of the year, it was me struggling to keep up my "perfect girlfriend" act while inside I was crumbling from constant rejection, always telling myself that tomorrow would be better and being horrified when it always turned out to be worse. After that, I struggled to accept the fact that the only guy I had ever been in love with--the only guy I thought I ever would be in love with--would never, ever be with me. After it finally sunk in that he would never want me in the way I wanted him, I struggled with the fact that I still wanted him. For a long time, I tried so hard to cling on to something that just wasn't there anymore. And when I finally let him go, I looked around and realized I had lost everyone else. And then, I struggled with feelings of isolation and loneliness. There was no one there for me anymore; no one who understood or who even tried to make the effort to understand. I had pushed everyone away from me, and had no idea how to get them back. When they finally started very slowly returning, there was still more to struggle through: my own self-hatred. Throughout the year, I became someone I absolutely hated. Someone I never thought I would be; someone I never wanted to be; someone who was not even a ghost of the person I once had been--someone who was so much worse. Throughout all of this, I struggled to keep up in school. I struggled with the pressure to get ready for college. I spent a lot of the year struggling with my own will to live: at many points, the only thing keeping me alive was my fear of death. I reached the lowest point I've ever reached in my life, and felt more miserable than I even knew it was possible to feel. It was like I was struggling through a long, dark tunnel, reaching desperately for the light at the end. And for a long time, surrounded in darkness, I forgot that there would be an end. I lost all hope that things would ever get better; I had been depressed for so long that I couldn't imagine ever being happy again. I couldn't remember what it felt like to be happy. All I could remember or think or feel was sadness, and that was all I saw in the future, past, or present.


But I survived. Somehow, I went through a year that was pure hell--a year that tested me over and over in the harshest ways, a year that wore me down past the bone--and emerged from it a stronger person.






--Note: I wrote this post at the end of junior year. I was planning on continuing it later but I never did. So for now I'm publishing it until I decide if I ever want to finish it. -

You could write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect day.

Why must you always ruin things?!

Whenever you're gone, I'm always in a fantastic mood. I have such great days when you are not in them. And then you come, and make everything I do into something offensive, and it just ends up making me this irritable, frustrated person! And then the fact that I am irritable and frustrated makes me get down on myself, and that makes me depressed!

This morning was a fantastic morning! I was having a great day until you came! And then you made me feel like shit about myself as per usual, and now here I am insecure and irritable and upset again!

The reason I am so excited for college is to get away from you. Because then you won't be around to make me feel and seem like a horrible person all the time. And I'll be able to actually be happy for once in my life.

You wonder why I am always dissing on your personality? It's because you are always dissing on mine. You make EVERY SINGLE THING I DO seem mean or cold in some way! And very rarely do I ever intend it like that! You see me as this hypocritical, selfish, rude, irritable person, and you treat me like I am one, so when you do that I become one! Stop forcing me into the role of an antagonistic shrew and take a second to look at your own behavior. You're so egotistical that you can't even see your own flaws, and you can't bear to see them, but you're perfectly happy to point out flaws that half the time aren't even there in other people.

Please do us all a favor and move to Canada or something.

Memories of love will be the only warmth we'll have in the end.

"I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're sad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me. Even if they're memories I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that, because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's okay to forget."
"Yes, me too. I want to take any memory, and hold it in my heart, and believe that... so I can be someone who won't let those memories defeat me. Someday, we'll overcome the pain, and we'll have precious memories."

It was this exchange from Fruits Basket that inspired this entry. For so long, I have been caught up in negativity. I only remember the bad; the good has been too painful to think about. You would think it would be the opposite, but the reason the good is so sad is because it is gone and I know things will never be the same again. And thinking about the good makes me miss the way things used to be. I don't know if doing this will be good or bad for me, but I know that I'm tired of running away. And who knows? It might be good for me. I haven't been truly happy in 7 months; I can't recall how it feels anymore. I want to remember what it was like when I was happy; I want to remember that it's possible to feel that way. And instead of running from those memories, and denying them, and forcing them out of my head, I want to accept them. I want to hold them in my heart and appreciate them, and move on from them peacefully.

So, let us begin: a list of great memories, from when I used to be happy. They aren't going to be in a particular order; just as they come to me. And I'm not worried about making them sound logical; it's really just for me, so I'm writing it in the form that my mind hands them to me. *I tried to use pronouns at first, but the memories come to me in "you were" form, and it's too much effort converting them into "he/she was" form. These memories involve many different people, but I'm not being specific on who. Most can probably be guessed; some maybe not. It's not just one person though.*

-the moment he told me he liked me; when I went into shock, and then threw my arms around him, telling him the feeling was mutual. Everyone cheered in the background.
-the first time we held hands "like boyfriend and girlfriend", on the last night of Cinderella, when we were getting in the big cast circle. Shy and awkward, yet nice.
-the feeling of his arms around me, his hands in mine, his body encircling me; the feeling of safety, joy, and contentment that that used to give me
-the time at the county fair when we were waiting to go on the ride, and I turned my face up and looked at him. The stars were behind him and the lights of the fair made his face glow, and we kissed.
-the first time he kissed me in public: standing in front of the Things Brewed counter, surrounded by some random friends of Audrey.... He had his arms wrapped around me, and mine were around him, and he just leaned in and kissed me.
-Christmas party 2009, when everyone else was going crazy in truth or dare and kissing each other. I was half-asleep, and you just held me. And it was warm and safe and so very nice. Later that night, when we were saying goodbye, I was dead on my feet. And you gave me this look of adoration and gentleness, and you said in a soft voice, "You're sleepy, aren't you?"
-the look of gentleness you'd always get in your eyes as we kissed, or when you were telling me you loved me
-the way you used to laugh at me out of endearment, admiring all the funny little things I did
-the concert on November 13, sitting in Jeremiah's car and talking, finding out Logan liked me and making things incredibly embarrassing
-walking around town together in the summer heat, laughing and talking, sitting at our favorite bench
-the time we got busted "smoking weed" on the railroad tracks by the cop who stalks me
-the time we got busted being out past curfew to go to the playground, also by cop who stalks me
-the intense duels we had with Nerf swords with the guys, in the playground as it got dark on that summer day
-chair-throwing competitions
-watching you interact with my family and come to love them, eating dinner together and laughing
-cupcakes that dyed our mouths blue and blowing bubbles
-laying in your driveway in either early fall or late summer, just talking. it was so peaceful.
-spending the night on the balcony in Florida, staying up until about 3 am talking, and then you trying to help me get down the stairs only to find that the door to go inside was "locked"
-the time you took a picture of my feet. I don't remember why you did, but I'm fairly sure that I asked you a billion times to delete it, and you never did. XD
-sitting on my porch on hot summer evenings, watching the sun go down and listening to Vanilla Twilight, thinking of you and missing you
-chucking an army man off a parking garage and winning Sir Chester Pinkerton III
-trying to decide if Sir Chester Pinkerton III should be Sir Chester Pinkerton III or Sir Chester Pinkerton VII
-the time we were all standing in a group by the stop sign, and you had your arms around me. No one was paying attention, so I kissed you on the jaw, and then the cheek, and then finally on your lips. And of course Cody Davis had to follow up with "EWWWW!" XD
-the first day I got to see you after you got back from Europe
-the way we used to laugh and smile and talk and just enjoy each other's company, all of us
-sitting on my front porch on a late summer day, my head in your lap and you stroking my hair, discussing our completely opposite tastes in food
-chilling out in my car when I decided to walk on the ceiling and honk the steering wheel horn with my butt
-having to wait FOREVER to get a table at Applebee's for Gareth's(?) birthday
-sitting on my couch watching Tyra
-wrestling around on my couch with two gingers who could not keep their hands off of each other XD
-Phillippe
-meeting Jedward and his friend at JMC
-getting kicked out of the Meijer lounge
-when we used to be like sisters, and you practically lived at my house, and you knew me better than I knew myself, and we always had fun laughing at being crazy together
-discovering our song
-when we used to believe that we'd always be in each other's lives, and you used to count me as a life-long friend
-when we used to think that as long as we had each other, we could handle anything
-playing Mario Kart
-when we used to tell each other everything
-when I used to know you better than you knew yourself
-the art festival
-when I made you my young grasshopper, and taught you "lessons"
-the time in Nashville when I had hurt myself in some way, so you asked if I wanted you to kiss it and make it better. And right there on the bus, I was just like, "yes." So you kissed me on the head, and it was incredibly sweet.
-when hanging out together made both of us so happy that dates were never necessary, and it was always amazing
-how I used to be the most important person in your life
-how happy I used to make you
-how happy I used to make everyone
-when we used to be best friends
-getting dragged across the soccer field in the snow
-making you be Lisa Jones so we could see if siblings could marry on facebook
-when we used to be perfect for each other
-when your smile used to brighten my entire day
-when your mood and mine used to automatically synchronize
-when I used to be so important to you
-running like crazy people to the car after almost getting beat up, and you screaming "I CAN'T DEFEND ALL OF YOU!"
-me having to go and open the door to my car so the light would come on, because you were afraid of the dark
-the time we almost died driving home from the mall because it was raining SO hard
-when you were leaving for Europe, and I got you a giant bag of Skittles even though I hate them, and watched your face light up
-playing in the ocean together
-when you three used to be my entire support system, and I didn't have to just depend on myself
-ARM-RAM plus Joshua
-the birth of ARM-RAM, where we layed in the snow on the playground for at least a half hour, just talking and keeping each other warm
-spelling out ARM-RAM in the snow
-Valentine's Day 2010, watching POTC and receiving the best gift ever: Asparagus
-decorating Phillippe together, and needing Josh to come because he was the only one tall enough to reach the high branches
-cooking dinner with Marc and Alsatia, and Marc not understanding the concept of "pouring gradually"
-a snowball fight of epic proportions in which I got hit in the eyes
-seeing you play Dearly Beloved and To Zanarkand on the piano, and nearly melting into a puddle
-making pictures with crayons and paint
-all the big events, and all the little times in between. all the smiles and glances, all the times you made my heart race, all the laughs and talks.