Ohhhhhhhh, life.
As everyone knows, play auditions were this week.
And for the first time in my life, I felt like I did really well in my audition. For the first time, I felt really good about it, and confident that I would get a good role. For the first time in months, I was able to muster up a tiny little bit of hope and happiness.
And of course, it was crushed.
When I got home on Friday, I cried for an hour. That seems like an overreaction, right? I mean, it's just a play. And I still got a role. I should be okay with that, right?
But see, it wasn't just a play this time.
To fully understand what I mean, you need to know how I've been feeling lately. Think about the last time you felt truly happy, and how long ago it was. Five minutes? Five days?
For me, it's been five months.
Lately, every single day has been a struggle for me. I have to fight so hard just to find the will to get up in the morning. I've been trying so hard to be strong, for five months. Forcing on the pretense of happiness, while inside I'm screaming. I try to act like I'm okay. I try to be okay. But the truth is, I'm just not.
There is literally nothing that motivates me to live. I can't care about anything anymore. I've tried so hard. Everything that used to be important to me, just isn't anymore. I can't make it be important anymore. I can't make it evoke emotion in me. Nothing makes me happy anymore. And I can't manage to muster any ounce of hope for a better future. The life I see stretching before me is tainted with emptiness and misery. I have no reason to be here right now; no feelings tying me to this earth. I just don't have the willpower to keep on fighting anymore. I'm sick of it. It's just a constant struggle, all the time. For pretty much all of January, all I have wanted to do is die. I just want to be free from this constant pain. I want to be able to stop fighting, and give up. My will to live is practically nonexistent. The only thing that keeps me on this earth is my fear of dying. How sad is that? I'm too much of a coward to live, but I'm too much of a coward to die. And it makes me feel so trapped.
And among all this, there is an intense feeling of loneliness and isolation. I've tried talking to so many people, trying to get help. All I find is impatience and empty words. No one can possibly understand how this feels, so no one can make me feel better. And I can sense them getting sick of my whining. I have no one to talk to, and it makes me feel so very alone.
And all of these emotions, they're making me become a person that I never wanted to be. I think of who I used to be.... So happy and optimistic. So caring and concerned for everyone else around me. I used to be able to find the good in everyone and everything. I used to be able to keep smiling through any situation, no matter how hard things got. I used to be so cheerful that my happiness would just automatically rub off on everyone around me, and make them feel better. I used to be able to help others. I remember what my goal in life used to be: to be the type of person that would be willing to give up everything for someone else. To be the type of person that would do anything for someone else, even if it ended with nothing else left in my hands. I used to be a support system for so many people.
Now, I'm not even strong enough to support myself, let alone other people. When people come to me with their problems, I never know what to say anymore. In a past life, I would've told them that things will always get better. I would've given them great advice about a happier future, or about finding the good in bad situations. But now, I can't do that. I don't feel those things, so how can I peddle them to someone else? All I can do when someone says those things, is say "I understand." That's all I can do. And think of my own misery. And I wish I could go back to being the type of person that can help others, and wants to. Wants to. I don't want to anymore. Two of my friends, they were going through some relationship trouble recently. But then, their problems started getting better. Things got patched up with the other person. And they were happy again. And, I was happy for their happiness. I really was. But at the same time, I was upset. I finally felt like someone could understand what I was going through, and I was miserable thinking about how I was alone again. And I was bitter. I resented them for having the ability to work things out, and be with the person they want, when nothing will ever allow me to do that same thing. And it just made me feel so awful. It was that, more than anything, that made me wonder where the person I was had gone. The girl that used to be me, she would never, EVER resent someone else for their happiness. She'd never be so selfish. But that's all I am anymore. I'm so selfish. Because I don't have the energy or strength to be anything else. And this self that I'm so worried about, isn't even as good anymore as she used to be. That cheerful girl that used to bring happiness to others solely through her nature? She was broken along with my heart and spirit. Now, I'm just this boring, empty girl. The eyes that used to shine with energy and happiness are now dead and dull. The genuine smile that used to so often light up my face, now makes only rare appearances. It's been replaced by this fake, small smile, and even that only shows up on occasion. I'm becoming so boring. And sad. And instead of bringing happiness to others, I've just been bringing misery. And I hate myself.
And it doesn't help, when two of your best friends start to resent you over feelings you can't control. The two people who promised they'd never leave you, start drifting away. Because they don't understand. They don't understand that you aren't trying to put them second, and you aren't trying to be happier around him than you are around them, and that it's not your fault that you care about him more, and would always choose him over them. Because they haven't felt this. They don't understand. I never asked to feel this way. I wish I didn't feel this way. If I could stop caring about him more than anything or anyone else in the world, it would make my life so much easier. It would restore my hope, and allow me to care for others again. This would in turn grant me self-love and happiness. I wish I could just move on. But I can't. And it's not my fault.
So, to sum it up, my life this year has consisted of misery, hopelessness, carelessness, disappointment, self-hatred, and a constant sense of isolation.
But then, play auditions came along. And the audition was so fun. Being surrounded by these people, for the first time in months, I had a truly great time. For the first time in months, I felt happy. I felt great about my audition, and regained some amount of self-confidence for the first time. And, despite my logic telling me it was a horrible idea, I got a glimmer of hope. I thought there was a good chance of getting the part I wanted. And even if I didn't get that part, I was sure I'd at least finally get a good part. A part I was happy with. And I was finally looking forward to something, for the first time in so long.
And then, I saw the cast list. And then, I looked at my character. Child-services inspector, 29 lines. And those good feelings came crashing down, and everything crumbled. Once again, I was the only boring part amidst a cast of such fun characters. And my happiness and confidence came crashing down. Every year, during the play, I've had to constantly battle with feelings of insecurity and jealousy over parts. I've come home from play practice feeling like shit about myself because everyone else got to be on stage having fun, while I had to sit on the sidelines and watch. I've had to deal with feelings of self-hatred, not just over my apparent inability to act, but also over my jealousy and resentment of everyone who got better parts.
I was so excited to finally do a play without having to deal with all of that. But now, I am going to have to do all that again. And before, when I had other reasons to be happy, I could handle it. But now, I just can't. I'm going to spend my time feeling bitter and insecure and jealous, and hating myself more than ever.
And it sucks, when the first glimmer of hope and happiness you've had in months, gets crushed just like everything else in your life.
So no, it wasn't just a play audition. It was my chance at rebuilding myself, at making my life better again.
And now, it's gone.
And I just want to die.
1/28/11
I don't know what to say since this twist of fate when it all broke down.... The story of us seems a lot like a tragedy now.
Yayyy for broken computers! :D
I was going to actually have to do work today, because otherwise I'd fall behind. And I'd feel guilty if I was lazy and didn't work on my class, and fell behind. But luckily the library computers aren't letting me access my class, so I get to goof off without feeling guilty. :D Haha. I'll make it up this weekend. Or something. It's not hard to catch up. :)
My teeth hurt really, really badly. I thought I brought Tylenol this morning, but apparently I didn't. :P The pain is really distracting. Mrrrahhhhhhhh. I hate having braces. I feel like they make my smile look horrible. I can't wait until I get them off, and have nice straight teeth. I feel as though it will greatly improve my general appearance, since I smile so big and so often. I just can't wait to get them off. I feel like my teeth are straight enough now, so they should just take them off. Haha.
I feel like no one really understands me anymore. People never really understood me, but they used to have a general grasp of my thoughts and feelings, why I felt the way I did, how I felt, what I thought. They were able to sympathize. Now, no one is able to. Because no one knows how this feels. No matter how much I tell everyone how it feels, they'll never feel it. It doesn't help that most of my friends have not been truly in love, in the way I was. I feel like the only person who was able to understand that part of it was Eddie. What it's like to feel like you'll never love anyone else more. And the feeling that you will never find anyone more meant to be with you. It's just so frustrating, because I've said all of this before. And no one understands. Right now, I'm running at... I'd say like 80% of my total possible happiness. Which, you know, isn't bad. I've been pretty happy lately. Life gets stressful sometimes, but that's normal. I'm not totally overwhelmed with stress, and it's been pretty chill. And I'm pretty happy. But I'm not very happy. I feel like he is the only person who can make me 100% happy. Maybe in the future, I will be with someone. And I will fall in love with them. And I'm sure I'll love them very, very much. Maybe they can manage 95% happy. Which, you know, is good. But it's not 100%.
And I know, not everyone reaches the point of 100% happiness, at any point in time. I know I'm pretty fortunate in life, and that I have the chance to have a very nice life. 95% happiness is not bad. I just wish I didn't know that 100% would be possible, if I had him.
Even after two months, I guess it still hasn't TRULY set in that he will never, ever be mine. I mean, obviously I know that he won't. It's not that I think a miracle will happen, and he will be able to randomly make the decision that he's straight, and we'll be able to be together forever, growing old in love and mutual happiness. I KNOW that it isn't possible. But my mind and body refuse to accept it. I still can't shake the ever-present knowledge of how happy I'd be with him. My life would be exceptional, and amazing, if I could only be with him. And as much as I know it's not possible, I can't stop thinking about it. And I can't stop wanting it. And that is why I think I will never be truly happy with someone else. I will ALWAYS be wishing it was him. And I will always be thinking about the life I COULD'VE had with him, and comparing it with the life I have with someone else. And it will never be as good.
I know everyone will say it's only been two months. And that I'll eventually be with someone else, who will make me just as happy. But they just don't get it. And those same people are reading this right now, and rolling their eyes or not really believing me, or thinking of all the reasons why things won't be like that. But, it's because they can't possibly understand. They can't possibly feel what I am feeling.
And it's not even that I'm sad. I'm not sad. I stopped being sad. It's not that. I'm happy and content. I just know that this is how things will always be. And I know that this is how my life will go. I've accepted it, and I'm okay with it. Of course it will always be a little annoying that it is, but whatever. I'll just have to be as happy as I possibly can be, and that's what I intend to do. It is not like I'll be miserable forever or anything. I just won't ever be truly happy. I'm okay with it.
It makes sense to me that this happened, honestly. How often do people really get to spend a life like that, with someone they'd do anything for and love more than anything, and who will always make them happy no matter what? I'd say it probably happens once every 6 million people. If that. That's why people make movies about it. If it happened in real life, would we really want to watch a movie about it? It'd be like watching a movie about people eating nachos. We are entertained by movies because it's stuff that's exceptional; stuff that doesn't happen.
I always wondered what I did to deserve one of those rare relationships. And why I, of anyone, got the happiness that people so rarely get. I haven't done anything exceptional with my life. I'm not anything particularly great. It never made sense to me that I got to be so happy. So, this makes sense to me. Now my life is what everyone else's is; it's not anything particularly, exceptionally, one-in-a-million amazing. It's just life. And all I can do now is make myself as happy as I can be with this average life. People don't get a life like that. I'm just happy I got to experience it at all. At least fate gave me that. I got a year of happiness that one person in every million people ever feels; what will always be the best year of my life.
I was going to actually have to do work today, because otherwise I'd fall behind. And I'd feel guilty if I was lazy and didn't work on my class, and fell behind. But luckily the library computers aren't letting me access my class, so I get to goof off without feeling guilty. :D Haha. I'll make it up this weekend. Or something. It's not hard to catch up. :)
My teeth hurt really, really badly. I thought I brought Tylenol this morning, but apparently I didn't. :P The pain is really distracting. Mrrrahhhhhhhh. I hate having braces. I feel like they make my smile look horrible. I can't wait until I get them off, and have nice straight teeth. I feel as though it will greatly improve my general appearance, since I smile so big and so often. I just can't wait to get them off. I feel like my teeth are straight enough now, so they should just take them off. Haha.
I feel like no one really understands me anymore. People never really understood me, but they used to have a general grasp of my thoughts and feelings, why I felt the way I did, how I felt, what I thought. They were able to sympathize. Now, no one is able to. Because no one knows how this feels. No matter how much I tell everyone how it feels, they'll never feel it. It doesn't help that most of my friends have not been truly in love, in the way I was. I feel like the only person who was able to understand that part of it was Eddie. What it's like to feel like you'll never love anyone else more. And the feeling that you will never find anyone more meant to be with you. It's just so frustrating, because I've said all of this before. And no one understands. Right now, I'm running at... I'd say like 80% of my total possible happiness. Which, you know, isn't bad. I've been pretty happy lately. Life gets stressful sometimes, but that's normal. I'm not totally overwhelmed with stress, and it's been pretty chill. And I'm pretty happy. But I'm not very happy. I feel like he is the only person who can make me 100% happy. Maybe in the future, I will be with someone. And I will fall in love with them. And I'm sure I'll love them very, very much. Maybe they can manage 95% happy. Which, you know, is good. But it's not 100%.
And I know, not everyone reaches the point of 100% happiness, at any point in time. I know I'm pretty fortunate in life, and that I have the chance to have a very nice life. 95% happiness is not bad. I just wish I didn't know that 100% would be possible, if I had him.
Even after two months, I guess it still hasn't TRULY set in that he will never, ever be mine. I mean, obviously I know that he won't. It's not that I think a miracle will happen, and he will be able to randomly make the decision that he's straight, and we'll be able to be together forever, growing old in love and mutual happiness. I KNOW that it isn't possible. But my mind and body refuse to accept it. I still can't shake the ever-present knowledge of how happy I'd be with him. My life would be exceptional, and amazing, if I could only be with him. And as much as I know it's not possible, I can't stop thinking about it. And I can't stop wanting it. And that is why I think I will never be truly happy with someone else. I will ALWAYS be wishing it was him. And I will always be thinking about the life I COULD'VE had with him, and comparing it with the life I have with someone else. And it will never be as good.
I know everyone will say it's only been two months. And that I'll eventually be with someone else, who will make me just as happy. But they just don't get it. And those same people are reading this right now, and rolling their eyes or not really believing me, or thinking of all the reasons why things won't be like that. But, it's because they can't possibly understand. They can't possibly feel what I am feeling.
And it's not even that I'm sad. I'm not sad. I stopped being sad. It's not that. I'm happy and content. I just know that this is how things will always be. And I know that this is how my life will go. I've accepted it, and I'm okay with it. Of course it will always be a little annoying that it is, but whatever. I'll just have to be as happy as I possibly can be, and that's what I intend to do. It is not like I'll be miserable forever or anything. I just won't ever be truly happy. I'm okay with it.
It makes sense to me that this happened, honestly. How often do people really get to spend a life like that, with someone they'd do anything for and love more than anything, and who will always make them happy no matter what? I'd say it probably happens once every 6 million people. If that. That's why people make movies about it. If it happened in real life, would we really want to watch a movie about it? It'd be like watching a movie about people eating nachos. We are entertained by movies because it's stuff that's exceptional; stuff that doesn't happen.
I always wondered what I did to deserve one of those rare relationships. And why I, of anyone, got the happiness that people so rarely get. I haven't done anything exceptional with my life. I'm not anything particularly great. It never made sense to me that I got to be so happy. So, this makes sense to me. Now my life is what everyone else's is; it's not anything particularly, exceptionally, one-in-a-million amazing. It's just life. And all I can do now is make myself as happy as I can be with this average life. People don't get a life like that. I'm just happy I got to experience it at all. At least fate gave me that. I got a year of happiness that one person in every million people ever feels; what will always be the best year of my life.
1/21/11
Is it your fear of being buried that makes you so afraid to speak?
Mannnn, I do not feel like doing work today.
I've had three study halls so far today, and I am pretty proud to say that I worked through all of them. So I think I can give myself a day off, when I'm totally caught up on everything. :)
You know what's worse than others losing respect for you? When you lose respect for yourself. Lately I have just been respecting myself less and less every day.
I mean, I used to be pretty proud of who I was as a person. I used to see myself as selfless, caring, logical, rational, and careful. I thought out decisions before I made them. I considered other people's feelings before I did anything, and made choices for others rather than myself. I was smart about my choices, and didn't ever regret them. I was proud of the choices I made in life.
Now, I'm not so sure.
I feel like ever since Josh dumped me, I've been so goddamn stupid. The decisions I make are so selfish. All I ever do anymore is hurt people. I just feel like I've been making such foolish choices, doing things without thinking them through. And it always turns out wrong, and makes everything more complicated.
I'm growing to hate myself. I see myself through everyone else's eyes, and I look like such a stupid, thoughtless teenage girl. I look like someone who doesn't care about anyone's feelings except her own. And I'm beginning to see it in myself, too.
I want to tell myself that I really have considered others in my decision making. I want to tell myself that I wasn't being selfish; that I was doing everything for what I thought was the best. But that's just not true. I could justify the things I did, but in the end, they were all for myself. I've been so thoughtless and stupid. In satisfying my selfish wants, I have hurt so many people. And more will be still to come.
I told everyone about Josh's secret. And why? Sure, it was an emotional situation, and I did need the advice and help. But, why should that make me tell four people? Shouldn't one or two be enough? Sure, for the most part, I did it to gain advice and consolation. But I can't deny that there was a part of me--a tiny, miniscule part, but it was still there--that was doing it for revenge. Out of anger. Part of me was mad at him for what he did to me. That part of me that felt hurt and betrayed and furious. And that part of me felt relief in telling so powerful a secret. It was my one way to get back at him. He did all that to me; why shouldn't I be allowed to do this one little thing to him? I felt like since he'd broken my heart so badly, I had every right to tell.
Of course, I never meant for it to get so out of hand. I wanted the four people I told to know, and no one else. But all along I had the sense of foreboding, that it was inevitable that it would get out. But I drowned out my subconscious's small, selfless warning with my selfish whims. And that is why I hate myself so much for doing that.
Then there's Alsatia. Alsatia, who stayed with me through two months of Hell on Earth. Who guided me through the worst time of my life. And how did I repay her? With coldness, and ridicule, and thoughtlessness. I stopped listening to her, and I blew her off. I was cold and insulting. She came to me with problems, but I was too self-absorbed to pay any mind to her. It was all about me, my problems, my life, my feelings.
But none of that compares to what I did to Emma. I tried to justify myself in what I did. And for some reason, I honestly thought what I was doing was okay. I guess she had just been so irrational, and angry, and cold for so long, that I didn't think her feelings deserved much thought. I felt bad that it would cause her pain, but it was a vague pang of conscience. To be honest, I felt like maybe she would partly deserve what she got, for all the pain and drama she had caused to my friends and within this group. What stupid, selfish, disgusting thoughts. It wasn't until she got back, and I saw that she was handling the situation in such a mature way. She didn't act cold to me, or yell, or cry, or anything. She just looked so... empty. And then it hit me. Not until then did I put myself in her place. I imagined how I would've felt if she started dating Josh less than a month after he broke up with me. I couldn't imagine anything more painful. And only then, after the deed was done, did it hit me. No one deserves that kind of pain. And even if someone did, who am I to decide that they deserve it? That's not my right; it's not up to me. I should never, ever have done that to her. Anyone who is truly caring and selfless would never do that to a friend, no matter how long it had been since they've been close, or what that friend had done in the past.
But I am not. I am selfish. I am selfish and unthinking and wrong. I will never, ever be able to forgive myself for what I did to her, even though she was gracious enough to forgive me. And I hate myself. I hate myself for everything that I have done in the past two and a half months. And for the pain it caused everyone, and has yet still to cause. I hate myself for these stupid decisions, rushed into without considering the consequences, without considering how it would affect the people around me. My self-respect has been so damaged, and the respect everyone else had for me. And soon, it will be even more. After reading this, I feel like everyone will be disillusioned. Even the people I love. I don't think they'll abandon me, but everyone will realize how little I really deserve their esteem. People, I feel, have the tendency to put me up on a pedestal. They see me as this great person, so deserving of the utmost respect, so much kinder and more caring than others. And now, they will know. They will know that I am so much less than I pretend to be. That I don't deserve anymore respect than anyone else, and in all likelihood I deserve less. Taylor has seen that. I can tell in the way she looks at me, that she sees me as beneath her. She sees me for who I really am, now. And all her respect is lost.
I guess there is nothing to do now except to accept the fact that I will lose people. To accept the fact that I've made so many mistakes, and that they have and will hurt everyone I love. I think I'm about to hit something like rock-bottom. And after that, I'll have nowhere to go but up. It's time to get myself to that point, so I can move on, and start again towards my goal of becoming the person I want to be. The person I've aspired to be. I feel like now that I see what it's like to make so many mistakes, I can do it better than ever before. This time, it can be genuine.
I'm sorry to everyone that I hurt. I know that that an apology, words, mean nothing. But I promise in the future I will show it with my actions. I will do my best to make it up. Maybe I never will be able to. I understand if I can't. But I will try.
I've had three study halls so far today, and I am pretty proud to say that I worked through all of them. So I think I can give myself a day off, when I'm totally caught up on everything. :)
You know what's worse than others losing respect for you? When you lose respect for yourself. Lately I have just been respecting myself less and less every day.
I mean, I used to be pretty proud of who I was as a person. I used to see myself as selfless, caring, logical, rational, and careful. I thought out decisions before I made them. I considered other people's feelings before I did anything, and made choices for others rather than myself. I was smart about my choices, and didn't ever regret them. I was proud of the choices I made in life.
Now, I'm not so sure.
I feel like ever since Josh dumped me, I've been so goddamn stupid. The decisions I make are so selfish. All I ever do anymore is hurt people. I just feel like I've been making such foolish choices, doing things without thinking them through. And it always turns out wrong, and makes everything more complicated.
I'm growing to hate myself. I see myself through everyone else's eyes, and I look like such a stupid, thoughtless teenage girl. I look like someone who doesn't care about anyone's feelings except her own. And I'm beginning to see it in myself, too.
I want to tell myself that I really have considered others in my decision making. I want to tell myself that I wasn't being selfish; that I was doing everything for what I thought was the best. But that's just not true. I could justify the things I did, but in the end, they were all for myself. I've been so thoughtless and stupid. In satisfying my selfish wants, I have hurt so many people. And more will be still to come.
I told everyone about Josh's secret. And why? Sure, it was an emotional situation, and I did need the advice and help. But, why should that make me tell four people? Shouldn't one or two be enough? Sure, for the most part, I did it to gain advice and consolation. But I can't deny that there was a part of me--a tiny, miniscule part, but it was still there--that was doing it for revenge. Out of anger. Part of me was mad at him for what he did to me. That part of me that felt hurt and betrayed and furious. And that part of me felt relief in telling so powerful a secret. It was my one way to get back at him. He did all that to me; why shouldn't I be allowed to do this one little thing to him? I felt like since he'd broken my heart so badly, I had every right to tell.
Of course, I never meant for it to get so out of hand. I wanted the four people I told to know, and no one else. But all along I had the sense of foreboding, that it was inevitable that it would get out. But I drowned out my subconscious's small, selfless warning with my selfish whims. And that is why I hate myself so much for doing that.
Then there's Alsatia. Alsatia, who stayed with me through two months of Hell on Earth. Who guided me through the worst time of my life. And how did I repay her? With coldness, and ridicule, and thoughtlessness. I stopped listening to her, and I blew her off. I was cold and insulting. She came to me with problems, but I was too self-absorbed to pay any mind to her. It was all about me, my problems, my life, my feelings.
But none of that compares to what I did to Emma. I tried to justify myself in what I did. And for some reason, I honestly thought what I was doing was okay. I guess she had just been so irrational, and angry, and cold for so long, that I didn't think her feelings deserved much thought. I felt bad that it would cause her pain, but it was a vague pang of conscience. To be honest, I felt like maybe she would partly deserve what she got, for all the pain and drama she had caused to my friends and within this group. What stupid, selfish, disgusting thoughts. It wasn't until she got back, and I saw that she was handling the situation in such a mature way. She didn't act cold to me, or yell, or cry, or anything. She just looked so... empty. And then it hit me. Not until then did I put myself in her place. I imagined how I would've felt if she started dating Josh less than a month after he broke up with me. I couldn't imagine anything more painful. And only then, after the deed was done, did it hit me. No one deserves that kind of pain. And even if someone did, who am I to decide that they deserve it? That's not my right; it's not up to me. I should never, ever have done that to her. Anyone who is truly caring and selfless would never do that to a friend, no matter how long it had been since they've been close, or what that friend had done in the past.
But I am not. I am selfish. I am selfish and unthinking and wrong. I will never, ever be able to forgive myself for what I did to her, even though she was gracious enough to forgive me. And I hate myself. I hate myself for everything that I have done in the past two and a half months. And for the pain it caused everyone, and has yet still to cause. I hate myself for these stupid decisions, rushed into without considering the consequences, without considering how it would affect the people around me. My self-respect has been so damaged, and the respect everyone else had for me. And soon, it will be even more. After reading this, I feel like everyone will be disillusioned. Even the people I love. I don't think they'll abandon me, but everyone will realize how little I really deserve their esteem. People, I feel, have the tendency to put me up on a pedestal. They see me as this great person, so deserving of the utmost respect, so much kinder and more caring than others. And now, they will know. They will know that I am so much less than I pretend to be. That I don't deserve anymore respect than anyone else, and in all likelihood I deserve less. Taylor has seen that. I can tell in the way she looks at me, that she sees me as beneath her. She sees me for who I really am, now. And all her respect is lost.
I guess there is nothing to do now except to accept the fact that I will lose people. To accept the fact that I've made so many mistakes, and that they have and will hurt everyone I love. I think I'm about to hit something like rock-bottom. And after that, I'll have nowhere to go but up. It's time to get myself to that point, so I can move on, and start again towards my goal of becoming the person I want to be. The person I've aspired to be. I feel like now that I see what it's like to make so many mistakes, I can do it better than ever before. This time, it can be genuine.
I'm sorry to everyone that I hurt. I know that that an apology, words, mean nothing. But I promise in the future I will show it with my actions. I will do my best to make it up. Maybe I never will be able to. I understand if I can't. But I will try.
1/14/11
And I can't see why you'd want to live here.
Siiiiiigh.
So, I'm sitting here in my online class again. I'm still a few assignments ahead, but I'd prefer to be working on things so that I can stay ahead. I'm in the mood for it today. But I can't work on anything, because the stupid school computers have the programs needed to play the sound files blocked. Normally it's okay because I can go down to a computer in Mrs. Dodge's office that doesn't have anything blocked, but today she's not here. And so here I am, blogging.
I guess I could work on it this weekend. I had a precalc test today (which I am feeling not at all confident about), and we watched a video in history, and we have a test in econ, so hopefully I can get away with no homework! :D That will be amazing. And it's a three-day weekend. So I'll have time to work on my class, as long as I don't get lazy and decide not to do it. XD
It's weird how I've gone back to floating through life again. I haven't felt this way since freshman year. It's like, being numb. I am just kinda drifting by, without really caring about stuff. I guess life just seems kinda surreal, like I'm going through the motions without really experiencing it. It's not good or bad. It's just there.
I think school is a big part of it. I feel like things just keep getting harder, and school is consuming my life. I go to school for the grand majority of the day, I come home and get on facebook for a couple hours, I shower, do homework, go to bed. Every day it's the same routine filled with stress and headaches and laziness. And I feel like it keeps getting more and more mundane. There used to seem to be at least a little variety, but now it seems like there is none. It's just doing the same exact things over and over again.
And it's winter. Which just makes it worse. It's too cold to go outside or do anything. I've been getting so restless lately. I want to do something, or change something. I wish I could go for a run, or rollerblade, or exercise. What really sounds nice right now is taking my dog on a really long walk. I enjoy walking my dog. I can turn on some good music and get lost in thought. I can do that without walking, but it's not the same. Walking helps me think. It gives me a sense of purpose, like I'm actually going somewhere. And I can take in different surroundings, and be active. I miss that. I want to go on a really long bike ride, out into the country. I used to do that with my sister over the summer, and it was always so amazing. You feel really good when you're done. Your legs burn and your chest hurts, but you feel like you accomplished something. And it's beautiful out there.
But I can't do any of those things, because it's too goddamn cold. I can't add any variety to my repetitive days. And it just makes me feel like things are pointless. I just sit at home and eat all the time. I have gained so much weight, I feel disgusting. But there is nothing else to do. So I just eat.
I am just so stir-crazy. I think everyone else feels it too. I feel like everyone around me has gotten a lot less lively. They're all so apathetic and spiritless and insipid. And it just makes me feel all the more uninterested in everything around me. I don't remember the last time we all got really excited about something, or had an exceptionally fun time together. I mean, I have fun, but it's all just chill. Nothing is energetic or invigorating. And I wish I could do something or go somewhere. I have never wanted a vacation more. I want to go somewhere warm, and I want to explore. I want to go hiking in a forest or swim in the ocean or scale a cliff. Or something. Just anything other than this. Anything different.
I hate the word boring. But that's what life has been lately. It's boring. Everything and everyone is low-key, low-spirited, low-energy. And it's just so boring.
But, I really shouldn't complain. I mean, I really am lucky. There is no major drama going on, and I have amazing friends, and I receive everything I ask for. Not that I deserve it. I feel like I'm getting progressively worse as a person. I hurt people and say and do things without caring about the feelings of the people around me. My redeeming qualities have been in hiding. And I'm getting less attractive as time goes on. But, despite all of that, I have people who are always there for me, and who love me. I get the things I want. And I should be thankful for that.
So, I'm sitting here in my online class again. I'm still a few assignments ahead, but I'd prefer to be working on things so that I can stay ahead. I'm in the mood for it today. But I can't work on anything, because the stupid school computers have the programs needed to play the sound files blocked. Normally it's okay because I can go down to a computer in Mrs. Dodge's office that doesn't have anything blocked, but today she's not here. And so here I am, blogging.
I guess I could work on it this weekend. I had a precalc test today (which I am feeling not at all confident about), and we watched a video in history, and we have a test in econ, so hopefully I can get away with no homework! :D That will be amazing. And it's a three-day weekend. So I'll have time to work on my class, as long as I don't get lazy and decide not to do it. XD
It's weird how I've gone back to floating through life again. I haven't felt this way since freshman year. It's like, being numb. I am just kinda drifting by, without really caring about stuff. I guess life just seems kinda surreal, like I'm going through the motions without really experiencing it. It's not good or bad. It's just there.
I think school is a big part of it. I feel like things just keep getting harder, and school is consuming my life. I go to school for the grand majority of the day, I come home and get on facebook for a couple hours, I shower, do homework, go to bed. Every day it's the same routine filled with stress and headaches and laziness. And I feel like it keeps getting more and more mundane. There used to seem to be at least a little variety, but now it seems like there is none. It's just doing the same exact things over and over again.
And it's winter. Which just makes it worse. It's too cold to go outside or do anything. I've been getting so restless lately. I want to do something, or change something. I wish I could go for a run, or rollerblade, or exercise. What really sounds nice right now is taking my dog on a really long walk. I enjoy walking my dog. I can turn on some good music and get lost in thought. I can do that without walking, but it's not the same. Walking helps me think. It gives me a sense of purpose, like I'm actually going somewhere. And I can take in different surroundings, and be active. I miss that. I want to go on a really long bike ride, out into the country. I used to do that with my sister over the summer, and it was always so amazing. You feel really good when you're done. Your legs burn and your chest hurts, but you feel like you accomplished something. And it's beautiful out there.
But I can't do any of those things, because it's too goddamn cold. I can't add any variety to my repetitive days. And it just makes me feel like things are pointless. I just sit at home and eat all the time. I have gained so much weight, I feel disgusting. But there is nothing else to do. So I just eat.
I am just so stir-crazy. I think everyone else feels it too. I feel like everyone around me has gotten a lot less lively. They're all so apathetic and spiritless and insipid. And it just makes me feel all the more uninterested in everything around me. I don't remember the last time we all got really excited about something, or had an exceptionally fun time together. I mean, I have fun, but it's all just chill. Nothing is energetic or invigorating. And I wish I could do something or go somewhere. I have never wanted a vacation more. I want to go somewhere warm, and I want to explore. I want to go hiking in a forest or swim in the ocean or scale a cliff. Or something. Just anything other than this. Anything different.
I hate the word boring. But that's what life has been lately. It's boring. Everything and everyone is low-key, low-spirited, low-energy. And it's just so boring.
But, I really shouldn't complain. I mean, I really am lucky. There is no major drama going on, and I have amazing friends, and I receive everything I ask for. Not that I deserve it. I feel like I'm getting progressively worse as a person. I hurt people and say and do things without caring about the feelings of the people around me. My redeeming qualities have been in hiding. And I'm getting less attractive as time goes on. But, despite all of that, I have people who are always there for me, and who love me. I get the things I want. And I should be thankful for that.
1/11/11
La la, how the life goes on.
I am ahead in my online class. By like a week. So here I am, blogging instead of working. :D
I feel like I lucked out, as far as virtual classes go. I was super stressed about it, but mine is really easy. I'm ahead a week, just by working through every class period. The instructor is great. She's really helpful and nice and responsive. And I actually feel like I'm learning stuff. I get this sense of pride when I can look at entire lengthy conversations in French and know exactly what they're saying. :D
Life has been life lately. Not exceedingly fantastic, but not particularly horrible. There are some things I'm worried about, but they're minor worries. Overall things have been good, and I'm enjoying the peace. :)
It's kind of crazy how much things can change within one month, and then settle down in the next. Alsatia and I always seem to find ourselves going through this cycle. We'll have a month or so of pure insanity, in which a ton of totally unexpected things happen and life becomes extremely crazy and stressful. But then, no matter how much it seems like things will never be alright again, and that I will never be able to relax again, it stops. All evidence to the contrary, life inevitably works itself out within a couple months. And then we have this. This calm before the next storm. It's crazy to think about what could happen next. Everything I could and couldn't imagine seems to have happened, and I can't fathom what else life could possibly throw at me. I just hope that it's not a death or something next time.
If Alsatia had any say, it would be pregnancy. XD She really wants someone to get pregnant. Or at least a pregnancy scare. All so she can be right. XD Silly girl.
I only have like a few more minutes left in which to right. That's okay though, since this blog has been pretty pointless in general. :D
Today is JMCT! :D How exciting is that. It has been far too long since I've enjoyed seeing Audrey's beautiful face, and devouring her delicious drinks. :D And by that I mean, it's been a week. XD
The play is coming up soon. It's craziness. I really hope I get in, but there is the legitimate fear that I won't. I feel like there aren't as many girl roles as usual, and Dakota and Jenna are pretty much guaranteed two of them since they're seniors and they're really good actors. I feel like I was more confident in my acting abilities before I watched myself act. I look so awkward on stage when I move. XD Oh well. At least now I know what I need to work on. Hopefully I can improve enough to get in. :D
Anyway, the bell's gonna ring soon, so I'm off.
Ja ne!
I feel like I lucked out, as far as virtual classes go. I was super stressed about it, but mine is really easy. I'm ahead a week, just by working through every class period. The instructor is great. She's really helpful and nice and responsive. And I actually feel like I'm learning stuff. I get this sense of pride when I can look at entire lengthy conversations in French and know exactly what they're saying. :D
Life has been life lately. Not exceedingly fantastic, but not particularly horrible. There are some things I'm worried about, but they're minor worries. Overall things have been good, and I'm enjoying the peace. :)
It's kind of crazy how much things can change within one month, and then settle down in the next. Alsatia and I always seem to find ourselves going through this cycle. We'll have a month or so of pure insanity, in which a ton of totally unexpected things happen and life becomes extremely crazy and stressful. But then, no matter how much it seems like things will never be alright again, and that I will never be able to relax again, it stops. All evidence to the contrary, life inevitably works itself out within a couple months. And then we have this. This calm before the next storm. It's crazy to think about what could happen next. Everything I could and couldn't imagine seems to have happened, and I can't fathom what else life could possibly throw at me. I just hope that it's not a death or something next time.
If Alsatia had any say, it would be pregnancy. XD She really wants someone to get pregnant. Or at least a pregnancy scare. All so she can be right. XD Silly girl.
I only have like a few more minutes left in which to right. That's okay though, since this blog has been pretty pointless in general. :D
Today is JMCT! :D How exciting is that. It has been far too long since I've enjoyed seeing Audrey's beautiful face, and devouring her delicious drinks. :D And by that I mean, it's been a week. XD
The play is coming up soon. It's craziness. I really hope I get in, but there is the legitimate fear that I won't. I feel like there aren't as many girl roles as usual, and Dakota and Jenna are pretty much guaranteed two of them since they're seniors and they're really good actors. I feel like I was more confident in my acting abilities before I watched myself act. I look so awkward on stage when I move. XD Oh well. At least now I know what I need to work on. Hopefully I can improve enough to get in. :D
Anyway, the bell's gonna ring soon, so I'm off.
Ja ne!
12/28/10
You take the high road; I'll take the low, and I'll meet you somewhere they don't go.
It's weird to think about how much high school changes things.
At the beginning of high school, Taylor and Josh and I all promised to each other that we would never let anything split us apart. They were my best friends; the only best friends I really had. We were so young and naive then. We were so crazy and stupid then. Life was so simple then. Oh how things change.
Had I told myself at the beginning of freshman year all the things that were going to happen throughout high school, I wouldn't have believed it. Had I felt, at the beginning of freshman year, all the emotions I was going to feel, I wouldn't have understood it. I have discovered so many feelings, bad and good, that I never even knew existed.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to freshman year, when everything was good. It was just me, Josh, Taylor, and Emma, and things were simple. Life was all fun and games. The only drama we had consisted of my daily fights with Taylor, and we got over those extremely quickly. I was never particularly unhappy. Sometimes I'd get a bit stressed, but it was never anything big.
And we all got along. We all loved each other. There was no hate. And it was nice.
But at the same time, I never really felt any great depth of emotion. Emotions never really touched my heart. They'd sweep through my body, shallow, without really having an effect. I was never truly sad, but I was never truly happy, either. And I didn't grow as a person. I was at a standstill, not really moving forward from the person I was in 8th grade.
And then there are the people.
Back then, Taylor and I were best friends.
Back then, Emma was that girl from history who I got started on manga.
Back then, Josh was like a brother to me.
Back then, so many people didn't exist to me who are now so important. Alsatia, Marc, all the guys.... Without them, I don't know who I'd be right now.
Who was I at the beginning of high school? I couldn't tell you. She's a completely different person from who I am now. I vaguely remember that self-conscious, obsessive, pure, naive, hopeful girl. However, she is a distant memory. I've grown up.
I'm not sure I like this whole thing so much. It's so hard sometimes. I feel like there is always something bad going on, and it gets exhausting. I wish I could just escape sometimes.
But then, I remember all the good adventures I've had.
And all the amazing things I've felt.
And the person that these experiences are helping me become.
And I feel a bit better about all of this growing up business.
Life is hard, and it may always be. I personally cannot wait until I can leave this place and get a fresh start. I'm not quite ready yet; I know I still have some growing up to do. But I will treasure my experiences here, good and bad. I know that what I am experiencing right now, throughout high school, is paving the way for a great time at college. I hope that by the time I leave for college, I can be the funny, brave, smart, strong, cheerful, and outgoing person I've always wanted to be. I hope that I can learn from each new experience, and contribute it towards my growth as a person. I hope that I can always be proud of my decisions, and live life with no regrets. I hope I can use the experiences I've had to help and teach other people. Every day, I'm working towards becoming that person.
At the beginning of high school, Taylor and Josh and I all promised to each other that we would never let anything split us apart. They were my best friends; the only best friends I really had. We were so young and naive then. We were so crazy and stupid then. Life was so simple then. Oh how things change.
Had I told myself at the beginning of freshman year all the things that were going to happen throughout high school, I wouldn't have believed it. Had I felt, at the beginning of freshman year, all the emotions I was going to feel, I wouldn't have understood it. I have discovered so many feelings, bad and good, that I never even knew existed.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to freshman year, when everything was good. It was just me, Josh, Taylor, and Emma, and things were simple. Life was all fun and games. The only drama we had consisted of my daily fights with Taylor, and we got over those extremely quickly. I was never particularly unhappy. Sometimes I'd get a bit stressed, but it was never anything big.
And we all got along. We all loved each other. There was no hate. And it was nice.
But at the same time, I never really felt any great depth of emotion. Emotions never really touched my heart. They'd sweep through my body, shallow, without really having an effect. I was never truly sad, but I was never truly happy, either. And I didn't grow as a person. I was at a standstill, not really moving forward from the person I was in 8th grade.
And then there are the people.
Back then, Taylor and I were best friends.
Back then, Emma was that girl from history who I got started on manga.
Back then, Josh was like a brother to me.
Back then, so many people didn't exist to me who are now so important. Alsatia, Marc, all the guys.... Without them, I don't know who I'd be right now.
Who was I at the beginning of high school? I couldn't tell you. She's a completely different person from who I am now. I vaguely remember that self-conscious, obsessive, pure, naive, hopeful girl. However, she is a distant memory. I've grown up.
I'm not sure I like this whole thing so much. It's so hard sometimes. I feel like there is always something bad going on, and it gets exhausting. I wish I could just escape sometimes.
But then, I remember all the good adventures I've had.
And all the amazing things I've felt.
And the person that these experiences are helping me become.
And I feel a bit better about all of this growing up business.
Life is hard, and it may always be. I personally cannot wait until I can leave this place and get a fresh start. I'm not quite ready yet; I know I still have some growing up to do. But I will treasure my experiences here, good and bad. I know that what I am experiencing right now, throughout high school, is paving the way for a great time at college. I hope that by the time I leave for college, I can be the funny, brave, smart, strong, cheerful, and outgoing person I've always wanted to be. I hope that I can learn from each new experience, and contribute it towards my growth as a person. I hope that I can always be proud of my decisions, and live life with no regrets. I hope I can use the experiences I've had to help and teach other people. Every day, I'm working towards becoming that person.
10/20/10
I'll wait until tomorrow. Maybe you'll feel better then. Maybe we'll be better then.
So what's another day, when I can't bear these nights of thoughts of going on without you?
This mood of yours is temporary. It seems worth the wait to see a smile again. Out of the corner of your eye won't be the only way you're looking at me then.
...I wish that song did not describe how I have been feeling lately so well.
Or, you know, the phrase "Lately the weather has been so bipolar, and consequently so have I."
But the sad thing is, it's not my fault that I've been bipolar recently. How my day is going depends on how his day is going, and most of the time these days they aren't going very well. I wish he could understand how much it affects me when he takes his stress out on me. I always try my best to put on a brave smile, to ignore it as much as possible. I know it's his stress talking more than him. But inside, I feel like I'm crumbling.
And the sad thing is, he isn't even at all aware of how much effort I put into this relationship. I push myself so hard to keep smiling throughout crappy situations. It's very rare that I ever make him own up to his mistakes, and when he hurts me I hide it so that he doesn't have to worry about it. Not just now, but always. In this relationship, I have learned a lot about compromise. I've learned how to take disappointment and rejection and bottle them up and turn them into something positive. And always, always, hide them. I'm always blaming myself for everything. And I kind of feel like even if I could stop blaming myself for a few seconds--consider that maybe possibly it is not all my fault--then that still wouldn't accomplish anything. Half the time if I try to say anything, he just gets irritated. So I put all my strength into hiding it, so that he won't get annoyed at me, and won't look at me with those cold eyes that make me feel like nothing matters. And it's just so DRAINING. Normally I can handle it, since it doesn't happen often and only lasts for a few days, and the good always makes up for the bad. But it's been going on for almost a month now. Good moments have been few and far between. This is the longest I've ever had to hold on my fake smile and swallow my words while inside I am consumed by self-doubt, guilt, and the ever-present feeling of rejection. It's started to make me do crazy things. I get jealous in situations that I normally never would. I've been seeing emotions in other people that aren't really there--like infatuation that doesn't exist. I've been taking my anger and sadness out on poor dear Alsatia, who amazingly has been putting up with me throughout all my bitchiness. But I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. I spend the great majority of my time feeling either empty, stressed, angry, or miserable. And I hide it and hide it and hide it from everyone except Alsatia. But it's always there. I feel like at any minute I could have a breakdown and just start crying or throwing things. I hear people complaining about tiny little faults in their relationships, and it irritates me. I can't help but think "You wouldn't last a month in my shoes." Which makes it all the more irritating that they're complaining, when their relationship is so amazing, and meanwhile here I am fighting every day to stop myself from breaking down. Seeing happy couples, which used to bring me joy, now brings me envy and regret.
But, of course, I don't blame him. It's my fault for feeling rejected over stupid stuff. I'm taking things too seriously and too personally. I should just be able to shrug it off, right? Assure myself that he loves me, and he's just stressed about other stuff. That he thinks I'm a worthwhile person. But every day, it gets harder. Every day, I lose more and more confidence. I wish that his moods and words didn't affect me so much. But that's just not the case. One smile from him can make everything wonderful, and one tactless act can ruin my day. When he's happy, I'm happy, no matter what is going on in my life. And when he's stressed and upset, I'm stressed and upset. I don't know how much longer I can deal with him acting like this, but I also know that I can't deal with even the idea of not having him around. It's an endless cycle; a catch-22. What do you do when the thing you can't live without is the thing that makes you miserable?
Sometimes, things seem to be getting better. He'll have a day where he's happy, and he'll act like he loves me again, and he'll be MY Josh, and not his evil twin. And I'll start building up hope that maybe things will stay like this. Maybe the funk is over, and things can go back to normal. And I can go back to being happy again.
Unfortunately, it never lasts.
This mood of yours is temporary. It seems worth the wait to see a smile again. Out of the corner of your eye won't be the only way you're looking at me then.
...I wish that song did not describe how I have been feeling lately so well.
Or, you know, the phrase "Lately the weather has been so bipolar, and consequently so have I."
But the sad thing is, it's not my fault that I've been bipolar recently. How my day is going depends on how his day is going, and most of the time these days they aren't going very well. I wish he could understand how much it affects me when he takes his stress out on me. I always try my best to put on a brave smile, to ignore it as much as possible. I know it's his stress talking more than him. But inside, I feel like I'm crumbling.
And the sad thing is, he isn't even at all aware of how much effort I put into this relationship. I push myself so hard to keep smiling throughout crappy situations. It's very rare that I ever make him own up to his mistakes, and when he hurts me I hide it so that he doesn't have to worry about it. Not just now, but always. In this relationship, I have learned a lot about compromise. I've learned how to take disappointment and rejection and bottle them up and turn them into something positive. And always, always, hide them. I'm always blaming myself for everything. And I kind of feel like even if I could stop blaming myself for a few seconds--consider that maybe possibly it is not all my fault--then that still wouldn't accomplish anything. Half the time if I try to say anything, he just gets irritated. So I put all my strength into hiding it, so that he won't get annoyed at me, and won't look at me with those cold eyes that make me feel like nothing matters. And it's just so DRAINING. Normally I can handle it, since it doesn't happen often and only lasts for a few days, and the good always makes up for the bad. But it's been going on for almost a month now. Good moments have been few and far between. This is the longest I've ever had to hold on my fake smile and swallow my words while inside I am consumed by self-doubt, guilt, and the ever-present feeling of rejection. It's started to make me do crazy things. I get jealous in situations that I normally never would. I've been seeing emotions in other people that aren't really there--like infatuation that doesn't exist. I've been taking my anger and sadness out on poor dear Alsatia, who amazingly has been putting up with me throughout all my bitchiness. But I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. I spend the great majority of my time feeling either empty, stressed, angry, or miserable. And I hide it and hide it and hide it from everyone except Alsatia. But it's always there. I feel like at any minute I could have a breakdown and just start crying or throwing things. I hear people complaining about tiny little faults in their relationships, and it irritates me. I can't help but think "You wouldn't last a month in my shoes." Which makes it all the more irritating that they're complaining, when their relationship is so amazing, and meanwhile here I am fighting every day to stop myself from breaking down. Seeing happy couples, which used to bring me joy, now brings me envy and regret.
But, of course, I don't blame him. It's my fault for feeling rejected over stupid stuff. I'm taking things too seriously and too personally. I should just be able to shrug it off, right? Assure myself that he loves me, and he's just stressed about other stuff. That he thinks I'm a worthwhile person. But every day, it gets harder. Every day, I lose more and more confidence. I wish that his moods and words didn't affect me so much. But that's just not the case. One smile from him can make everything wonderful, and one tactless act can ruin my day. When he's happy, I'm happy, no matter what is going on in my life. And when he's stressed and upset, I'm stressed and upset. I don't know how much longer I can deal with him acting like this, but I also know that I can't deal with even the idea of not having him around. It's an endless cycle; a catch-22. What do you do when the thing you can't live without is the thing that makes you miserable?
Sometimes, things seem to be getting better. He'll have a day where he's happy, and he'll act like he loves me again, and he'll be MY Josh, and not his evil twin. And I'll start building up hope that maybe things will stay like this. Maybe the funk is over, and things can go back to normal. And I can go back to being happy again.
Unfortunately, it never lasts.
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