It's weird to think about how much high school changes things.
At the beginning of high school, Taylor and Josh and I all promised to each other that we would never let anything split us apart. They were my best friends; the only best friends I really had. We were so young and naive then. We were so crazy and stupid then. Life was so simple then. Oh how things change.
Had I told myself at the beginning of freshman year all the things that were going to happen throughout high school, I wouldn't have believed it. Had I felt, at the beginning of freshman year, all the emotions I was going to feel, I wouldn't have understood it. I have discovered so many feelings, bad and good, that I never even knew existed.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to freshman year, when everything was good. It was just me, Josh, Taylor, and Emma, and things were simple. Life was all fun and games. The only drama we had consisted of my daily fights with Taylor, and we got over those extremely quickly. I was never particularly unhappy. Sometimes I'd get a bit stressed, but it was never anything big.
And we all got along. We all loved each other. There was no hate. And it was nice.
But at the same time, I never really felt any great depth of emotion. Emotions never really touched my heart. They'd sweep through my body, shallow, without really having an effect. I was never truly sad, but I was never truly happy, either. And I didn't grow as a person. I was at a standstill, not really moving forward from the person I was in 8th grade.
And then there are the people.
Back then, Taylor and I were best friends.
Back then, Emma was that girl from history who I got started on manga.
Back then, Josh was like a brother to me.
Back then, so many people didn't exist to me who are now so important. Alsatia, Marc, all the guys.... Without them, I don't know who I'd be right now.
Who was I at the beginning of high school? I couldn't tell you. She's a completely different person from who I am now. I vaguely remember that self-conscious, obsessive, pure, naive, hopeful girl. However, she is a distant memory. I've grown up.
I'm not sure I like this whole thing so much. It's so hard sometimes. I feel like there is always something bad going on, and it gets exhausting. I wish I could just escape sometimes.
But then, I remember all the good adventures I've had.
And all the amazing things I've felt.
And the person that these experiences are helping me become.
And I feel a bit better about all of this growing up business.
Life is hard, and it may always be. I personally cannot wait until I can leave this place and get a fresh start. I'm not quite ready yet; I know I still have some growing up to do. But I will treasure my experiences here, good and bad. I know that what I am experiencing right now, throughout high school, is paving the way for a great time at college. I hope that by the time I leave for college, I can be the funny, brave, smart, strong, cheerful, and outgoing person I've always wanted to be. I hope that I can learn from each new experience, and contribute it towards my growth as a person. I hope that I can always be proud of my decisions, and live life with no regrets. I hope I can use the experiences I've had to help and teach other people. Every day, I'm working towards becoming that person.
12/28/10
10/20/10
I'll wait until tomorrow. Maybe you'll feel better then. Maybe we'll be better then.
So what's another day, when I can't bear these nights of thoughts of going on without you?
This mood of yours is temporary. It seems worth the wait to see a smile again. Out of the corner of your eye won't be the only way you're looking at me then.
...I wish that song did not describe how I have been feeling lately so well.
Or, you know, the phrase "Lately the weather has been so bipolar, and consequently so have I."
But the sad thing is, it's not my fault that I've been bipolar recently. How my day is going depends on how his day is going, and most of the time these days they aren't going very well. I wish he could understand how much it affects me when he takes his stress out on me. I always try my best to put on a brave smile, to ignore it as much as possible. I know it's his stress talking more than him. But inside, I feel like I'm crumbling.
And the sad thing is, he isn't even at all aware of how much effort I put into this relationship. I push myself so hard to keep smiling throughout crappy situations. It's very rare that I ever make him own up to his mistakes, and when he hurts me I hide it so that he doesn't have to worry about it. Not just now, but always. In this relationship, I have learned a lot about compromise. I've learned how to take disappointment and rejection and bottle them up and turn them into something positive. And always, always, hide them. I'm always blaming myself for everything. And I kind of feel like even if I could stop blaming myself for a few seconds--consider that maybe possibly it is not all my fault--then that still wouldn't accomplish anything. Half the time if I try to say anything, he just gets irritated. So I put all my strength into hiding it, so that he won't get annoyed at me, and won't look at me with those cold eyes that make me feel like nothing matters. And it's just so DRAINING. Normally I can handle it, since it doesn't happen often and only lasts for a few days, and the good always makes up for the bad. But it's been going on for almost a month now. Good moments have been few and far between. This is the longest I've ever had to hold on my fake smile and swallow my words while inside I am consumed by self-doubt, guilt, and the ever-present feeling of rejection. It's started to make me do crazy things. I get jealous in situations that I normally never would. I've been seeing emotions in other people that aren't really there--like infatuation that doesn't exist. I've been taking my anger and sadness out on poor dear Alsatia, who amazingly has been putting up with me throughout all my bitchiness. But I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. I spend the great majority of my time feeling either empty, stressed, angry, or miserable. And I hide it and hide it and hide it from everyone except Alsatia. But it's always there. I feel like at any minute I could have a breakdown and just start crying or throwing things. I hear people complaining about tiny little faults in their relationships, and it irritates me. I can't help but think "You wouldn't last a month in my shoes." Which makes it all the more irritating that they're complaining, when their relationship is so amazing, and meanwhile here I am fighting every day to stop myself from breaking down. Seeing happy couples, which used to bring me joy, now brings me envy and regret.
But, of course, I don't blame him. It's my fault for feeling rejected over stupid stuff. I'm taking things too seriously and too personally. I should just be able to shrug it off, right? Assure myself that he loves me, and he's just stressed about other stuff. That he thinks I'm a worthwhile person. But every day, it gets harder. Every day, I lose more and more confidence. I wish that his moods and words didn't affect me so much. But that's just not the case. One smile from him can make everything wonderful, and one tactless act can ruin my day. When he's happy, I'm happy, no matter what is going on in my life. And when he's stressed and upset, I'm stressed and upset. I don't know how much longer I can deal with him acting like this, but I also know that I can't deal with even the idea of not having him around. It's an endless cycle; a catch-22. What do you do when the thing you can't live without is the thing that makes you miserable?
Sometimes, things seem to be getting better. He'll have a day where he's happy, and he'll act like he loves me again, and he'll be MY Josh, and not his evil twin. And I'll start building up hope that maybe things will stay like this. Maybe the funk is over, and things can go back to normal. And I can go back to being happy again.
Unfortunately, it never lasts.
This mood of yours is temporary. It seems worth the wait to see a smile again. Out of the corner of your eye won't be the only way you're looking at me then.
...I wish that song did not describe how I have been feeling lately so well.
Or, you know, the phrase "Lately the weather has been so bipolar, and consequently so have I."
But the sad thing is, it's not my fault that I've been bipolar recently. How my day is going depends on how his day is going, and most of the time these days they aren't going very well. I wish he could understand how much it affects me when he takes his stress out on me. I always try my best to put on a brave smile, to ignore it as much as possible. I know it's his stress talking more than him. But inside, I feel like I'm crumbling.
And the sad thing is, he isn't even at all aware of how much effort I put into this relationship. I push myself so hard to keep smiling throughout crappy situations. It's very rare that I ever make him own up to his mistakes, and when he hurts me I hide it so that he doesn't have to worry about it. Not just now, but always. In this relationship, I have learned a lot about compromise. I've learned how to take disappointment and rejection and bottle them up and turn them into something positive. And always, always, hide them. I'm always blaming myself for everything. And I kind of feel like even if I could stop blaming myself for a few seconds--consider that maybe possibly it is not all my fault--then that still wouldn't accomplish anything. Half the time if I try to say anything, he just gets irritated. So I put all my strength into hiding it, so that he won't get annoyed at me, and won't look at me with those cold eyes that make me feel like nothing matters. And it's just so DRAINING. Normally I can handle it, since it doesn't happen often and only lasts for a few days, and the good always makes up for the bad. But it's been going on for almost a month now. Good moments have been few and far between. This is the longest I've ever had to hold on my fake smile and swallow my words while inside I am consumed by self-doubt, guilt, and the ever-present feeling of rejection. It's started to make me do crazy things. I get jealous in situations that I normally never would. I've been seeing emotions in other people that aren't really there--like infatuation that doesn't exist. I've been taking my anger and sadness out on poor dear Alsatia, who amazingly has been putting up with me throughout all my bitchiness. But I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. I spend the great majority of my time feeling either empty, stressed, angry, or miserable. And I hide it and hide it and hide it from everyone except Alsatia. But it's always there. I feel like at any minute I could have a breakdown and just start crying or throwing things. I hear people complaining about tiny little faults in their relationships, and it irritates me. I can't help but think "You wouldn't last a month in my shoes." Which makes it all the more irritating that they're complaining, when their relationship is so amazing, and meanwhile here I am fighting every day to stop myself from breaking down. Seeing happy couples, which used to bring me joy, now brings me envy and regret.
But, of course, I don't blame him. It's my fault for feeling rejected over stupid stuff. I'm taking things too seriously and too personally. I should just be able to shrug it off, right? Assure myself that he loves me, and he's just stressed about other stuff. That he thinks I'm a worthwhile person. But every day, it gets harder. Every day, I lose more and more confidence. I wish that his moods and words didn't affect me so much. But that's just not the case. One smile from him can make everything wonderful, and one tactless act can ruin my day. When he's happy, I'm happy, no matter what is going on in my life. And when he's stressed and upset, I'm stressed and upset. I don't know how much longer I can deal with him acting like this, but I also know that I can't deal with even the idea of not having him around. It's an endless cycle; a catch-22. What do you do when the thing you can't live without is the thing that makes you miserable?
Sometimes, things seem to be getting better. He'll have a day where he's happy, and he'll act like he loves me again, and he'll be MY Josh, and not his evil twin. And I'll start building up hope that maybe things will stay like this. Maybe the funk is over, and things can go back to normal. And I can go back to being happy again.
Unfortunately, it never lasts.
8/18/10
Skeleton Song
This song is a perfect embodiment of what happened with me and a certain person this year (they'll know who they are if they read the lyrics), so I decided it would be fun to post it. Skeleton Song by Kate Nash. The cool thing is that it has a chronological sequence of what happened, and the music peaks and mellows out exactly like the crazy stress of my emotions. Listen to it; it's a fun song!
Skeleton, you are my friend
But you are made of bone
And you have got no flesh and blood running through you
To help protect the bone
Skeleton, we have been friends for years
And you have seen me through some trials and tribulations
And some tears
But everybody thinks I'm weird
And I should've known
That it wouldn't be long until you
You've got me standing in an awkward position
With unwanted attention and a need for explanation
And it's not that I'm letting go of you
But I dunno what to do
Skeleton, we are so close
But you have got no body
So why do you insist on wearing clothes?
Skeleton, when we were young, it was easy
Even though the other kids, they would tease me
I was only seven, I had you
But now I'm twenty-two
And now it's different
When I take you out, and you
You've got me standing in an awkward position
With unwanted attention
And a need for explanation
And it's not that I'm letting go of you
But I dunno what to do
And sometimes, at night
I dream of the most terrible things.
I take a hammer and I creep out of bed
And I raise it high
And I smash your head
Fibular and tibular
And ribs and cages too
In fact, while I'm here
I will smash the whole of you
SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH
But, skeleton, you are my friend
And I could never bring your life to an end.
Yes, skeleton, you are
You are my friend
And I will be there for you until the end.
And even though
When I take you out, you've got me
You've got me standing in an awkward position
With unwanted attention and a need for explanation
I could, I could never let you go
And that is all I know.
Skeleton, you are my friend
But you are made of bone
And you have got no flesh and blood running through you
To help protect the bone
Skeleton, we have been friends for years
And you have seen me through some trials and tribulations
And some tears
But everybody thinks I'm weird
And I should've known
That it wouldn't be long until you
You've got me standing in an awkward position
With unwanted attention and a need for explanation
And it's not that I'm letting go of you
But I dunno what to do
Skeleton, we are so close
But you have got no body
So why do you insist on wearing clothes?
Skeleton, when we were young, it was easy
Even though the other kids, they would tease me
I was only seven, I had you
But now I'm twenty-two
And now it's different
When I take you out, and you
You've got me standing in an awkward position
With unwanted attention
And a need for explanation
And it's not that I'm letting go of you
But I dunno what to do
And sometimes, at night
I dream of the most terrible things.
I take a hammer and I creep out of bed
And I raise it high
And I smash your head
Fibular and tibular
And ribs and cages too
In fact, while I'm here
I will smash the whole of you
SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH
But, skeleton, you are my friend
And I could never bring your life to an end.
Yes, skeleton, you are
You are my friend
And I will be there for you until the end.
And even though
When I take you out, you've got me
You've got me standing in an awkward position
With unwanted attention and a need for explanation
I could, I could never let you go
And that is all I know.
5/24/10
And we know it's never simple, never easy.
Sometimes, you come to that point where you just have no idea what to do in a situation anymore. And when you reach that point, you kind of just stop caring. That's the point I'm at now. Or at least, I'm trying my best to be.
Recently, Taylor posted a not-so-lovely blog about me. As soon as she found out I read it, she proceeded to delete it. I don't know why. Maybe so I would feel isolated, so that people wouldn't be able to assure me how wrong it was, or that I didn't deserve it. So, seeing as you can't read the blog that this is a response to, you may be confused, but I'll do my best to get the gist of it in here. And no, I'm not posting it as a blog because she did. As revenge or something. I'm posting it because I want the people close to her to understand, and I hate having to explain myself more than once.
So, my basic interpretation of the blog was that I am a failure as a friend, because she puts all the effort in and I never put any effort in, and I always get mad at her and she never gets mad at me, and she always has to apologize and I never admit my mistakes.
Now, I have a lot of problems with this blog, but the first of which is her apparent belief that I never put any effort into our friendship, while she tries so hard. Apparently she does not realize how hard I fought for our friendship. I always stood up for her, no matter what. And it was not easy. It caused a lot of people who would've had no malicious feelings toward me otherwise to dislike me, and got me into my fair share of drama. But I did it anyway, because I cared about her and thought she was worth it. Beside that, I was always standing up for our friendship. You have no idea how often people would ask me why I am friends with her. And I would always say that yes, I know she has flaws, but she has so many redeeming qualities. That even though she does bad things sometimes, she's a good person. I would always be fighting for our friendship. But, apparently, that doesn't mean anything to her.
And yes, we would fight a lot. And generally, I would be the one to instigate it. But people know me, and they know I'm not the type to pick fights for no reason. The only time I ever did was when she hurt my feelings, or when I felt like I was being pushed around. I'm sorry I'm not the type to just roll over and let people boss me around. I'm sorry I like to talk about my feelings instead of bottling them up and letting them ferment into resentment. I was never raised to be a pushover, and I'm not going to let you make me feel guilty that I didn't let you walk all over me.
But you know, all of this, that's nothing compared to the underlying theme of the blog: I am flawed, so that makes me a bad friend.
Taylor mentioned something that I will admit to doing. You see, I have this thing where, once every year or so, I will get irritated with one of my friends. We will then have a huge blowup where our friendship teeters on the edge of a cliff, and it can either fall and shatter or be saved. Usually those times are with Taylor, but once it was Emma. Once a very long time ago, it was Josh. But the thing is, when I do it, I can't help myself. And it's not because I don't love the person they happen with, but rather because I do love them. After what happened to me in sixth grade, it's very hard for me to let anyone in. So I think subconsciously, this is my way of testing people. I don't do it on purpose. It's just kind of a defense mechanism. I need to know and be reassured that even if I show them my bad side, my flawed side, the side that I hide so painstakingly and never let anyone else see, that they will accept me despite it. And I just found out that Taylor is not willing to do that. And I mean, I know that I wasn't the most amazing friend in the world to her. I would do this thing. And I would blow her off because I was tired or I just didn't feel like hanging out. And sometimes I can be a fickle person with weak resolve. And sometimes, yes, I would have a--what is it she always called it--a "holier-than-thou" attitude. And I will admit, these are flaws.
But the thing is, I never once claimed to be perfect. These are my flaws, and I accept them as such. I expected her to do the same, because I was her friend and I was worth it, and I had enough good in me to make up for these flaws. After all, I always accepted Taylor's flaws. I accepted the conceit, and the rudeness, and the way she had the tendency to talk down to people, and her hypocrisy and sometimes unbelievably nonsensical reasoning. The only thing I absolutely would not stand for was deceit, but that is a whole other post. And I accepted all these things and kept being her friend despite them, because I loved her. And I loved how she could be so fun and funny and carefree, and how she was so creative and open, and how she accepted me for who I was. Or at least, I thought she did. But from what her blog said, it appears that she never accepted my flaws after all. They're just a burden to her. I'm not worth maintaining a friendship with, because of my flaws.
And what sucks the most about it, is that I was working on my flaws. I really was trying. When people would tell me things I felt were private, I was working extra hard not to let them slip to anyone else, even if the person didn't mention directly that they were a secret. I almost had a huge blowout with Alsatia, but instead of letting the irritation build I talked to her about it, and we worked it out. The only reason I even went to spend the night at Taylor's house on that day was because I was doing it for her. In all honesty, I was tired and I had no desire to be around people. But I was trying to change, and better myself for her, and so I pushed myself and went even though I didn't really want to. I honestly was working on improving our friendship, improving my flaws. And this is where that got me.
And, I don't know. It just sucks. It sucks when you're friends with someone for seven years, and you think they know you and understand you, and then you find out that actually they don't at all, and never have. And it sucks when your friends change and become this new person that you don't even recognize anymore, and don't love anymore. I wish that I could have the old Taylor back. And I wish that we could have our old relationship back. But it's time to face the sad truth. My Taylor--the one I loved--she's gone. She has been warped by lies and jealousy and outward circumstances, and she is never coming back. And our old relationship is never coming back. We're both walking on eggshells with each other, and you can't build up a strong friendship like that.
To be honest, the thought of losing you terrifies me. It makes me horribly sad. But that's only because giving up on you will mean giving up on the old Taylor. Giving up on getting my best friend back. But she is gone now, and it's time I accept that. I obviously don't want to sever all ties--I still want to be friends and everything. But I honestly don't see how we can be best friends after we've both changed so much and after so much has happened. I will always care about you, and it will be hard. And I don't want to not be friends anymore. I still want you to be my friend. I still want you in my life. But it's just time to face that us as best friends is not going to work out anymore. We've gone on our separate paths and that closeness can never be brought back. And it sucks, and it's sad, but it's true.
PS-Mentioning how your mom doesn't like me? Really? That's kind of a low blow.
PPS-Josh is a big boy, he can think for himself. He would definitely not stop talking to you because of me.
Recently, Taylor posted a not-so-lovely blog about me. As soon as she found out I read it, she proceeded to delete it. I don't know why. Maybe so I would feel isolated, so that people wouldn't be able to assure me how wrong it was, or that I didn't deserve it. So, seeing as you can't read the blog that this is a response to, you may be confused, but I'll do my best to get the gist of it in here. And no, I'm not posting it as a blog because she did. As revenge or something. I'm posting it because I want the people close to her to understand, and I hate having to explain myself more than once.
So, my basic interpretation of the blog was that I am a failure as a friend, because she puts all the effort in and I never put any effort in, and I always get mad at her and she never gets mad at me, and she always has to apologize and I never admit my mistakes.
Now, I have a lot of problems with this blog, but the first of which is her apparent belief that I never put any effort into our friendship, while she tries so hard. Apparently she does not realize how hard I fought for our friendship. I always stood up for her, no matter what. And it was not easy. It caused a lot of people who would've had no malicious feelings toward me otherwise to dislike me, and got me into my fair share of drama. But I did it anyway, because I cared about her and thought she was worth it. Beside that, I was always standing up for our friendship. You have no idea how often people would ask me why I am friends with her. And I would always say that yes, I know she has flaws, but she has so many redeeming qualities. That even though she does bad things sometimes, she's a good person. I would always be fighting for our friendship. But, apparently, that doesn't mean anything to her.
And yes, we would fight a lot. And generally, I would be the one to instigate it. But people know me, and they know I'm not the type to pick fights for no reason. The only time I ever did was when she hurt my feelings, or when I felt like I was being pushed around. I'm sorry I'm not the type to just roll over and let people boss me around. I'm sorry I like to talk about my feelings instead of bottling them up and letting them ferment into resentment. I was never raised to be a pushover, and I'm not going to let you make me feel guilty that I didn't let you walk all over me.
But you know, all of this, that's nothing compared to the underlying theme of the blog: I am flawed, so that makes me a bad friend.
Taylor mentioned something that I will admit to doing. You see, I have this thing where, once every year or so, I will get irritated with one of my friends. We will then have a huge blowup where our friendship teeters on the edge of a cliff, and it can either fall and shatter or be saved. Usually those times are with Taylor, but once it was Emma. Once a very long time ago, it was Josh. But the thing is, when I do it, I can't help myself. And it's not because I don't love the person they happen with, but rather because I do love them. After what happened to me in sixth grade, it's very hard for me to let anyone in. So I think subconsciously, this is my way of testing people. I don't do it on purpose. It's just kind of a defense mechanism. I need to know and be reassured that even if I show them my bad side, my flawed side, the side that I hide so painstakingly and never let anyone else see, that they will accept me despite it. And I just found out that Taylor is not willing to do that. And I mean, I know that I wasn't the most amazing friend in the world to her. I would do this thing. And I would blow her off because I was tired or I just didn't feel like hanging out. And sometimes I can be a fickle person with weak resolve. And sometimes, yes, I would have a--what is it she always called it--a "holier-than-thou" attitude. And I will admit, these are flaws.
But the thing is, I never once claimed to be perfect. These are my flaws, and I accept them as such. I expected her to do the same, because I was her friend and I was worth it, and I had enough good in me to make up for these flaws. After all, I always accepted Taylor's flaws. I accepted the conceit, and the rudeness, and the way she had the tendency to talk down to people, and her hypocrisy and sometimes unbelievably nonsensical reasoning. The only thing I absolutely would not stand for was deceit, but that is a whole other post. And I accepted all these things and kept being her friend despite them, because I loved her. And I loved how she could be so fun and funny and carefree, and how she was so creative and open, and how she accepted me for who I was. Or at least, I thought she did. But from what her blog said, it appears that she never accepted my flaws after all. They're just a burden to her. I'm not worth maintaining a friendship with, because of my flaws.
And what sucks the most about it, is that I was working on my flaws. I really was trying. When people would tell me things I felt were private, I was working extra hard not to let them slip to anyone else, even if the person didn't mention directly that they were a secret. I almost had a huge blowout with Alsatia, but instead of letting the irritation build I talked to her about it, and we worked it out. The only reason I even went to spend the night at Taylor's house on that day was because I was doing it for her. In all honesty, I was tired and I had no desire to be around people. But I was trying to change, and better myself for her, and so I pushed myself and went even though I didn't really want to. I honestly was working on improving our friendship, improving my flaws. And this is where that got me.
And, I don't know. It just sucks. It sucks when you're friends with someone for seven years, and you think they know you and understand you, and then you find out that actually they don't at all, and never have. And it sucks when your friends change and become this new person that you don't even recognize anymore, and don't love anymore. I wish that I could have the old Taylor back. And I wish that we could have our old relationship back. But it's time to face the sad truth. My Taylor--the one I loved--she's gone. She has been warped by lies and jealousy and outward circumstances, and she is never coming back. And our old relationship is never coming back. We're both walking on eggshells with each other, and you can't build up a strong friendship like that.
To be honest, the thought of losing you terrifies me. It makes me horribly sad. But that's only because giving up on you will mean giving up on the old Taylor. Giving up on getting my best friend back. But she is gone now, and it's time I accept that. I obviously don't want to sever all ties--I still want to be friends and everything. But I honestly don't see how we can be best friends after we've both changed so much and after so much has happened. I will always care about you, and it will be hard. And I don't want to not be friends anymore. I still want you to be my friend. I still want you in my life. But it's just time to face that us as best friends is not going to work out anymore. We've gone on our separate paths and that closeness can never be brought back. And it sucks, and it's sad, but it's true.
PS-Mentioning how your mom doesn't like me? Really? That's kind of a low blow.
PPS-Josh is a big boy, he can think for himself. He would definitely not stop talking to you because of me.
5/20/10
Bright Eyes!
So, ages ago, I declared I would like to do 3 quote entries: Bright Eyes quotes, Dr. Suess quotes, and miscellaneous quotes.
Well, now is the time for Bright Eyes quotes! They are amazing and have a ton of awesome quotes, but these are 20 of my favorites.
Well, now is the time for Bright Eyes quotes! They are amazing and have a ton of awesome quotes, but these are 20 of my favorites.
- "Your eyes must do some raining if you're ever gonna grow."
- "Into the caverns of tomorrow with just our flashlights and our love, we must plunge.”
- "If life seems absurd, what you need is some laughter."
- "It's the ones with the sorest throats who've done the most singing."
- “You can try to live in darkness, but you will never shake the light.”
- "As we take eye for an eye until no one can see, we must stumble blindly forward, repeating history."
- "Nothing in the past or future ever will feel like today."
- "The world requires no audience."
- "Everything, it must belong somewhere."
- "I could go anywhere with you, and I'd probably be happy."
- "Gossip's as good as gospel in this town.... You can save face, but you won't ever save your soul."
- "How time can move both fast and slow amazes me."
- "There's happiness in death."
- (to be continued)
5/13/10
Just nod your head if your mind's been changed. Shake it, love, if some hope remains.
On rare occasions, at night, I get this horrible feeling that if I fall asleep, I'll die. And I know that it is completely irrational, and the chances I would just randomly die in my sleep are extremely low. But when this happens, it is a very real and legitimate fear. Even though I can tell myself it's irrational, I honestly and truly feel as though I will die if I fall asleep. I am always really and honestly scared when that happens, and I end up staying awake until I can't any longer just to make sure I won't die.
Well, last night I had that same feeling. Except it wasn't about dying; it was about Josh breaking up with me. I mean, we had just had an amazing time hanging out that night. But I truly and honestly felt like he was going to break up with me the next day. And I was extremely sad and terrified. I know it's illogical, but I honestly thought he would. I couldn't sleep or listen to music or write or do anything but just lay there in bed, paralyzed with fear. Reasons popped up in my head that he would say, like "I realized that I like you better as a best friend" or "I have a lot going on and I don't think I can handle a girlfriend right now". I'm also extremely insecure about whether or not I will be able to do physical things, like kissing and stuff, correctly. So in my mind, he said "I'm sorry. I just kind of wish you were more willing and able to be physically closer to me." And yes, I know all of that stuff is completely ridiculous, and that Josh would never be like that or say that, but at the time I was genuinely afraid that that would happen. I really thought it was going to. It's weird.
And when I get in moods like that, no matter how much I think "There is nothing physically wrong with me, I'm not going to die" or "Josh loves me a lot, he's not going to break up with me", it won't have any effect. I come up with reasons like a concussion or a freak illness, or that he'll just start seeing me in a different light.
Last night, after thinking all that, I had this dream that I was really ugly. At first it was just acne, which is not that big of a deal; I mean, a lot of people have acne and I don't think they're ugly. But then, a doctor told me I had a hormonal imbalance, and I started growing hair on my neck and sideburns and stuff. And then giant bulbous warts started popping up on my neck and face. I remember thinking in the dream that no guy would ever like me again, everyone would alienate me, and I'd lose everything. The dream was fairly realistic, and when I woke up I honestly thought I looked like that at first. I felt my face and was relieved that all those things had not happened.
I mean, I guess it's just my fear of abandonment again. I have never let anyone in like this before. And I have changed a lot this year, and I feel like I'm not as honest and kind and pure as I used to be. I hate that, and I am working toward changing it, and doing a decent job of it. But I dunno, I feel like I have a decrease of good personality traits coupled with a lack of ability to be physical. And I guess it just kind of hit me. And I am legitimately scared that every guy I love, even in the future, will end up leaving me because they'll eventually get sick of my shyness and lack of skill and other things, and I'll just be alone for the rest of my life. And I know it's an irrational fear, but just like those times, I can't shake it.
Well, last night I had that same feeling. Except it wasn't about dying; it was about Josh breaking up with me. I mean, we had just had an amazing time hanging out that night. But I truly and honestly felt like he was going to break up with me the next day. And I was extremely sad and terrified. I know it's illogical, but I honestly thought he would. I couldn't sleep or listen to music or write or do anything but just lay there in bed, paralyzed with fear. Reasons popped up in my head that he would say, like "I realized that I like you better as a best friend" or "I have a lot going on and I don't think I can handle a girlfriend right now". I'm also extremely insecure about whether or not I will be able to do physical things, like kissing and stuff, correctly. So in my mind, he said "I'm sorry. I just kind of wish you were more willing and able to be physically closer to me." And yes, I know all of that stuff is completely ridiculous, and that Josh would never be like that or say that, but at the time I was genuinely afraid that that would happen. I really thought it was going to. It's weird.
And when I get in moods like that, no matter how much I think "There is nothing physically wrong with me, I'm not going to die" or "Josh loves me a lot, he's not going to break up with me", it won't have any effect. I come up with reasons like a concussion or a freak illness, or that he'll just start seeing me in a different light.
Last night, after thinking all that, I had this dream that I was really ugly. At first it was just acne, which is not that big of a deal; I mean, a lot of people have acne and I don't think they're ugly. But then, a doctor told me I had a hormonal imbalance, and I started growing hair on my neck and sideburns and stuff. And then giant bulbous warts started popping up on my neck and face. I remember thinking in the dream that no guy would ever like me again, everyone would alienate me, and I'd lose everything. The dream was fairly realistic, and when I woke up I honestly thought I looked like that at first. I felt my face and was relieved that all those things had not happened.
I mean, I guess it's just my fear of abandonment again. I have never let anyone in like this before. And I have changed a lot this year, and I feel like I'm not as honest and kind and pure as I used to be. I hate that, and I am working toward changing it, and doing a decent job of it. But I dunno, I feel like I have a decrease of good personality traits coupled with a lack of ability to be physical. And I guess it just kind of hit me. And I am legitimately scared that every guy I love, even in the future, will end up leaving me because they'll eventually get sick of my shyness and lack of skill and other things, and I'll just be alone for the rest of my life. And I know it's an irrational fear, but just like those times, I can't shake it.
Wow. I'm actually done early.
How strange. I'm in photography and I actually finished an assignment early. I did not obsess over making everything perfect. I did not worry about my picture being the best I could do, and being the most creative thing in the class, like I usually would. I mean, I certainly put effort into it, but I didn't strive for exact perfection like I usually would.
I can't decide if that's a good thing or bad thing.
I mean, being a perfectionist with my art and creative things is what caused me to get so stressed in art last trimester. I'd take way longer than I should've, trying to make everything just perfect, trying to make everything the best. I would end up obsessing so much on one step that I'd fall behind and have to rush everything else. We all know that that caused me a ridiculous amount of stress. When I got really sick and had a crazy high fever, I wanted to go to school just for art class, because I thought if I missed a day I'd be screwed and would never get my project done. I cried when my mom made me stay home because I had a fever of 101. So many days I came to school sick specifically for art class, just so I could stay caught up.
At the same time, being a perfectionist was a good thing. It always pushed me to do my best. I truly gave every project my all. It helped me grow as an artist. Before I knew it, I started projecting the exact image in my head into real life, and giving it form. This is something very hard to do. And if I had more time to complete them, I know they would've been something I was truly proud of. My linoleum block and prints would've been amazing had I not felt rushed at the end, carved out the wrong part, and not had time to finish all my prints. My frog pot, despite all my doubts and stress and feeling sure it was going to look awful, would've turned out great if I had not had to rush on the paint job and ended up getting the wrong color paint in the wrong places.
Being early is a weird experience to me. I usually think more and try more and take longer than anyone else. It makes me feel like I did something wrong, even though I know that I like my ad, and people thought it was funny, and I put effort into it. But still, it's weird. I even finished my script for my commercial, which is considered "working ahead". Really I suppose I should be working on my math homework....
But, I'll have time in choir and I only have one problem to do and there is a computer here and not in choir. And no one here can help me on that problem anyway, which is what I need to complete it.... Heh.
I can't decide if that's a good thing or bad thing.
I mean, being a perfectionist with my art and creative things is what caused me to get so stressed in art last trimester. I'd take way longer than I should've, trying to make everything just perfect, trying to make everything the best. I would end up obsessing so much on one step that I'd fall behind and have to rush everything else. We all know that that caused me a ridiculous amount of stress. When I got really sick and had a crazy high fever, I wanted to go to school just for art class, because I thought if I missed a day I'd be screwed and would never get my project done. I cried when my mom made me stay home because I had a fever of 101. So many days I came to school sick specifically for art class, just so I could stay caught up.
At the same time, being a perfectionist was a good thing. It always pushed me to do my best. I truly gave every project my all. It helped me grow as an artist. Before I knew it, I started projecting the exact image in my head into real life, and giving it form. This is something very hard to do. And if I had more time to complete them, I know they would've been something I was truly proud of. My linoleum block and prints would've been amazing had I not felt rushed at the end, carved out the wrong part, and not had time to finish all my prints. My frog pot, despite all my doubts and stress and feeling sure it was going to look awful, would've turned out great if I had not had to rush on the paint job and ended up getting the wrong color paint in the wrong places.
Being early is a weird experience to me. I usually think more and try more and take longer than anyone else. It makes me feel like I did something wrong, even though I know that I like my ad, and people thought it was funny, and I put effort into it. But still, it's weird. I even finished my script for my commercial, which is considered "working ahead". Really I suppose I should be working on my math homework....
But, I'll have time in choir and I only have one problem to do and there is a computer here and not in choir. And no one here can help me on that problem anyway, which is what I need to complete it.... Heh.
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