Providence has been looking out for me this weekend, and for that I am grateful. As everyone knows, I was grounded this weekend. For no reason. But, things are much better than they could be. I have things to be grateful for. It is extremely serendipitous that the weekend that I have to be grounded is this one. Today was setbuilding, so I got to hang out with friends and have stimulating and fun conversation, as well as keep busy. Also, the weather has decided to be beautiful today, so I ended up soaking up the sun rollerblading and listening to music outside, laying in the sun. It was great. And I didn't need a coat to be comfortable; I was perfectly fine with a sweater, which was amazing.
If you look at it, things could've been a lot worse. There could've been no setbuilding, and the weather could've been much worse. That means I would have no contact with friends for 2 entire days, and be cooped up in the house with only my parents for company. Instead I got to have fun and see friends, as well as enjoy some great weather. Really I feel like fate is watching out for me, which is nice.
Of course, that does not mean everything is wonderful. In the end, I discovered that I can be cheerful and smile again. I can laugh and have fun and enjoy others' company. I can have polite conversation with my mother without breaking out in tears. But that doesn't mean everything is better.
Her words still weigh on my heart. They're still there. She said them, and nothing she could say or do could take them back. People tell me that it's just because she was angry at the time, but I honestly do think that is how she feels. There is some grain of truth in every angry statement. And... feeling like a disappointment. Feeling unloved. It hurts a lot. And it's something that sticks with you. The poison has spread through my blood stream, and it's too late to get it out now. I think that it is something that will always stay with me, in the back of my mind, and weigh me down a little bit.
I don't know. Something just seems to have broken. I can't find any love for my mother in my heart. All I can find is bitterness and resentment. No vestiges of fondness remain. And I'm honestly not sure that that will ever change. Now that it's happened, I can't just go back. I can't just forget. That's not how life works.
And that kind of sucks, you know. Thinking you had 2 loving parents, that you loved your family, and then having everything changed. I don't know. I guess I kind of somehow thought that family love was invincible. There is evidence to the contrary all around me, but I thought that if it existed it couldn't be taken away. But in the end, all family is are separate, different people that you happen to live with. And if you can lose love for people, stop loving them, it makes sense that you can lose love for family members. I guess it just never really occured to me until now that that could happen. So it's a big shock. It hurts, and it feels unnatural. But I can't change it. And so, I will learn to live with it.
I have so much love in my life. I have so many friends that will always be there when I need them. I have a guy in my life that I have extremely strong feelings for and who, by some miracle, feels the same about me. I have siblings that I share a bond with, no matter how far away they go or how long they're gone. I have a deep love for all these people, and I receive so much love from all of them in return. For that reason, I can continue to smile. I can continue to laugh. I can continue to be happy. For that reason, I will hold my head high, and I will walk on.
3/5/10
I just... don't have the energy anymore.
For anything.
I can't smile. I can barely hold my head high as I walk. All I want to do is cry and sleep.
It's not even the punishment. One weekend of being unable to hang out with friends, except for setbuilding. It's not that bad. I can handle it.
But it's the fact that there's no reason for me to be punished.
It's the fact that this is exactly the time when I need to be surrounded by friends.
It's the fact that I have to spend so much time in the same house as my mother.
I'm not even angry anymore. So what, my mom decided to punish me for no reason. Got mad over stupid things. I can handle that. I can get over it. What I can't handle is the stuff she said yesterday.
Even before I entered the house, she was yelling. I was scared, so I'd hesitated outside the door. And she said, "Get in here right now or I'll kill you! I'm not going to put up with your shit anymore!"
I didn't even try to speak. I just walked inside. She grabbed my arm roughly and threw me on the couch. She said, "You sit your ass down right there, and don't move!" I went obediently. Stripped of my dignity. Subservient. I sat as still as I could, looking at the floor, trying not to make a sound.
She didn't give me space. She made me look at her as she yelled. She told me I'm a brat. I'm disrespectful. I'm spoiled. I'm lazy. She told me I think I can do whatever I want, go wherever I want, but I can't. I tried to explain my reasoning for all the things I did that day. I didn't think I'd done anything wrong. In my head, it was what had seemed logical. I wasn't trying to disobey or exert my own authority. I left the house that day because I didn't think she wanted people around when she wasn't feeling well.
She wouldn't listen. She called me a liar. Told me to stop making up "fairy tales". Maybe I am a brat. Maybe I am spoiled. Maybe I am lazy. But if there is one thing I'm not, I'm not a liar. I'm not a liar.
I told her that. She didn't believe me. She told me I was causing her a lot of stress and pain. That it was my fault. That wasn't what I meant to do. I was trying to help. But no. All I can do as a child is cause my parents pain.
Eventually, she might have started believing me.
I told her, "Mom, please. I'm not trying to do that. That was just my sense of reasoning!"
"Your sense of reasoning is flawed. You have no common sense. You think you are in charge? You're not. You always lose everything, you have no common sense, and you always do things to go against me. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I raised you wrong."
...She raised me wrong. The sentence no child wants to hear. She raised me wrong. She made a mistake. I'm a disappointment.
Somewhere in there, I started to cry. I couldn't help myself. I tried to hold it in, but I couldn't. I couldn't move, I couldn't think, I could just cry. My mother's words rang through my head, and I sobbed harder. She told me to stop being such a baby. Stop being so overly dramatic. She thought I was trying to make her feel guilty. But, I wasn't. I just couldn't help myself. I just fell to the ground and cried. It was all I could do.
It was all I did. I somehow managed to drag myself to my bed, after awhile. And that's what I did. I lay down in bed, and I cried. Her words were on endless repeat. Her angry screams, the face she made, like I was disgusting. It reeled under my eyes. And it poured out in the form of saltwater. I cried until I fell asleep. And I slept. I could've slept forever. But, at 9, my mom woke me up. Reiterated how I needed to stop being so spoiled and disobedient. Told me that I was not allowed to go anywhere this weekend. See anyone. I could go to setbuilding, but that was it. My dad had somehow reduced the month into a weekend. And I was thankful for that. Before she had started yelling earlier that day, my sentence being reduced to a weekend would've fixed everything. I would've been able to let the whole thing go. But, somehow, it didn't fix everything. It didn't fix anything. She had still said all those things. And once I was awake, they again rang in my ears. The poisonous words spread down into my heart and infected my whole blood stream. I feel bad all over. The poison drains my energy. I try to force on a smile for everyone in school, but I can't.
After she left, I tried to cry some more. Inside, I was screaming. But the tears wouldn't come out. So I just curled up into a tight ball, and waited again for the silence of sleep to take me. I drowned in my negative thoughts. I felt regret for what I had put my friends through. I felt sorrow at being a disappointment. I tried to dredge up some love for my mother, tried to find it somewhere in there. But, I couldn't. Those thoughts haunted me for the next couple of hours, until sleep finally again overtook me. And I slept until the morning.
This morning, I told myself I wouldn't let it get to me. I told myself I'd have a good day. I told myself I'd smile, be cheerful, put the events of yesterday in the back of my mind.
But the trouble is, they aren't just in my mind. They're in my heart. I'm sitting here in the library, close to tears. My emotions are twisting my stomach, and my heart feels like it's trying to beat under big heavy chains. I feel like I'm going to be sick. I'm trying not to think about it. I'm trying not to let it get to me. But it is. And I don't know what I can do to fix it. If I try talking to my mom about it, she'll just yell again. She'll just think I'm trying to make her feel bad, and stress her out. I'll get less time with friends.
Not that my friends will want me around much longer anymore, if I can't shake this off. I realized, somewhere along the line, that I have a deep fear that if I am sad for too long, if I show too much of it, if I can't smile and be cheerful all the time, I'll be abandoned. I've had this fear ever since 6th grade. I don't know why, but I do. I feel so bad that I can't smile, that I can't be happy, that I can't be interesting. I don't want to be a burden. But I am. To everyone.
I... I just don't... know what to do anymore. There's nothing I can do anymore.
For anything.
I can't smile. I can barely hold my head high as I walk. All I want to do is cry and sleep.
It's not even the punishment. One weekend of being unable to hang out with friends, except for setbuilding. It's not that bad. I can handle it.
But it's the fact that there's no reason for me to be punished.
It's the fact that this is exactly the time when I need to be surrounded by friends.
It's the fact that I have to spend so much time in the same house as my mother.
I'm not even angry anymore. So what, my mom decided to punish me for no reason. Got mad over stupid things. I can handle that. I can get over it. What I can't handle is the stuff she said yesterday.
Even before I entered the house, she was yelling. I was scared, so I'd hesitated outside the door. And she said, "Get in here right now or I'll kill you! I'm not going to put up with your shit anymore!"
I didn't even try to speak. I just walked inside. She grabbed my arm roughly and threw me on the couch. She said, "You sit your ass down right there, and don't move!" I went obediently. Stripped of my dignity. Subservient. I sat as still as I could, looking at the floor, trying not to make a sound.
She didn't give me space. She made me look at her as she yelled. She told me I'm a brat. I'm disrespectful. I'm spoiled. I'm lazy. She told me I think I can do whatever I want, go wherever I want, but I can't. I tried to explain my reasoning for all the things I did that day. I didn't think I'd done anything wrong. In my head, it was what had seemed logical. I wasn't trying to disobey or exert my own authority. I left the house that day because I didn't think she wanted people around when she wasn't feeling well.
She wouldn't listen. She called me a liar. Told me to stop making up "fairy tales". Maybe I am a brat. Maybe I am spoiled. Maybe I am lazy. But if there is one thing I'm not, I'm not a liar. I'm not a liar.
I told her that. She didn't believe me. She told me I was causing her a lot of stress and pain. That it was my fault. That wasn't what I meant to do. I was trying to help. But no. All I can do as a child is cause my parents pain.
Eventually, she might have started believing me.
I told her, "Mom, please. I'm not trying to do that. That was just my sense of reasoning!"
"Your sense of reasoning is flawed. You have no common sense. You think you are in charge? You're not. You always lose everything, you have no common sense, and you always do things to go against me. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I raised you wrong."
...She raised me wrong. The sentence no child wants to hear. She raised me wrong. She made a mistake. I'm a disappointment.
Somewhere in there, I started to cry. I couldn't help myself. I tried to hold it in, but I couldn't. I couldn't move, I couldn't think, I could just cry. My mother's words rang through my head, and I sobbed harder. She told me to stop being such a baby. Stop being so overly dramatic. She thought I was trying to make her feel guilty. But, I wasn't. I just couldn't help myself. I just fell to the ground and cried. It was all I could do.
It was all I did. I somehow managed to drag myself to my bed, after awhile. And that's what I did. I lay down in bed, and I cried. Her words were on endless repeat. Her angry screams, the face she made, like I was disgusting. It reeled under my eyes. And it poured out in the form of saltwater. I cried until I fell asleep. And I slept. I could've slept forever. But, at 9, my mom woke me up. Reiterated how I needed to stop being so spoiled and disobedient. Told me that I was not allowed to go anywhere this weekend. See anyone. I could go to setbuilding, but that was it. My dad had somehow reduced the month into a weekend. And I was thankful for that. Before she had started yelling earlier that day, my sentence being reduced to a weekend would've fixed everything. I would've been able to let the whole thing go. But, somehow, it didn't fix everything. It didn't fix anything. She had still said all those things. And once I was awake, they again rang in my ears. The poisonous words spread down into my heart and infected my whole blood stream. I feel bad all over. The poison drains my energy. I try to force on a smile for everyone in school, but I can't.
After she left, I tried to cry some more. Inside, I was screaming. But the tears wouldn't come out. So I just curled up into a tight ball, and waited again for the silence of sleep to take me. I drowned in my negative thoughts. I felt regret for what I had put my friends through. I felt sorrow at being a disappointment. I tried to dredge up some love for my mother, tried to find it somewhere in there. But, I couldn't. Those thoughts haunted me for the next couple of hours, until sleep finally again overtook me. And I slept until the morning.
This morning, I told myself I wouldn't let it get to me. I told myself I'd have a good day. I told myself I'd smile, be cheerful, put the events of yesterday in the back of my mind.
But the trouble is, they aren't just in my mind. They're in my heart. I'm sitting here in the library, close to tears. My emotions are twisting my stomach, and my heart feels like it's trying to beat under big heavy chains. I feel like I'm going to be sick. I'm trying not to think about it. I'm trying not to let it get to me. But it is. And I don't know what I can do to fix it. If I try talking to my mom about it, she'll just yell again. She'll just think I'm trying to make her feel bad, and stress her out. I'll get less time with friends.
Not that my friends will want me around much longer anymore, if I can't shake this off. I realized, somewhere along the line, that I have a deep fear that if I am sad for too long, if I show too much of it, if I can't smile and be cheerful all the time, I'll be abandoned. I've had this fear ever since 6th grade. I don't know why, but I do. I feel so bad that I can't smile, that I can't be happy, that I can't be interesting. I don't want to be a burden. But I am. To everyone.
I... I just don't... know what to do anymore. There's nothing I can do anymore.
2/26/10
Your brain can't keep up with your beak.
I'm doing a blog entry, because I decided the time was ripe for a blog entry.
I love how your blog is titled "Remind me again why I created a blog". You know who you are. XD
Recently I have been reinstating balance into my life. Having friends that do not really like each other, try to avoid each other, and act differently in each other's presence is a little difficult, but I am getting used to it. After all, the weekend IS made up of three days. One day for old friends, one day for new, and one day for me. And although sometimes it's frustrating having friends that don't always get along, I love all my friends dearly and am so grateful to have them that I don't mind having to compromise sometimes. And getting balance back in my life has been really great for me. I have found myself again, and started liking myself again. All the stress, loneliness, self-loathing, and sadness that I'd been feeling recently has been gone for the past few weeks. I have getting the balance back in my life to thank for that. And for a lot of great times with people I love. ^-^
A few weeks ago, I had an epiphany. Several, actually. I feel like this year, I have been discovering a shit ton about myself, the world, and my life. Ah! That's it! 2010 is the year of discovery.
:)
One major discovery I have made is that there are a few people in this world I cannot live without. And, I can make it through anything as long as I have them. And do you know what the great thing is? I have recently realized, that nothing can ever tear us apart. We belong together, all of us. And things may change, and we may have to separate physically, but we will ALWAYS be in each other's hearts and thoughts. We will always love each other and be there for each other. And really, that is all I need to be happy in life.
Of course, even life must come to an end. Everything that lives must die. But I have recently gained a new perspective on death. Suddenly, I've become aware that death is not the ending everyone makes it out to be. It is just the beginning; the start of a new adventure. I used to fear and dread death to a great degree. But now, I don't. Of course, I'm not at all ready for it--I have so much to do, so many people to love who are going to be alive for a long time to come, so many things of this realm I have not experienced. But I also feel that when the time comes that I have to be taken from this Earth, my spirit's journey will not be over. I do not know what will happen to it. Maybe there is God, maybe it will be reincarnated, maybe it will wander. But there are countless adventures awaiting me after death.
And another thing. Love... love is really powerful. Love is really all you need. No matter what happens in the future, as long as my life is filled with love, I will be able to find happiness. Some days may be darker than others, and sometimes I may have to dig to find it. But as long as I am with people I love, it can be found. Especially if I am with the one person I love most.
Believe it or not, I have made even more discoveries than that. However, those are really the only ones I feel like writing about right now, so there you go.
Today, Taylor, Josh, and I hung out at Taylor's house. It was so nice; a feeling of contentment and peace stole over me while I was with them. We watched old videos, and it was very nostalgic.... We were all so little. I think Taylor and Josh were more different than me, compared to now. Josh was the most different, of course. Haha.
At one point, I was laying down in her bed, and I found myself suddenly quite sleepy. I cuddled up and started to just listen, eyes closed. And I realized that I find the sound of their voices extremely comforting. The tones and nuances of their speech were like a lullaby, and hearing their voices brought to me a great sense of security and happiness. I probably could've slept right there, had I not found the conversation so interesting. The time went by too fast, and I found I was shocked when I looked at the clock and it read that it was already 10.
It's not like we did anything particularly exciting. We watched old videos, read scripts, and talked. But somehow, that was enough. Without any effort, it somehow made itself equal to the great times I've had running around, out and about, doing exciting things and trying new experiences.
Although I will admit, that night with the aliens, fingercuffs, and parking garage will always be a very tough one to beat. XD
It's 1:23 am, make a wish. I wish for a pony!
I just want everyone who reads this to know that I love them. I have been feeling so grateful for my friends lately. I have such a large list of people who are there for me, people I love, people I have so much fun with. I am so, so blessed to have this. And I want everyone to know that I realize this. And I appreciate them.
To all the new friends I have made, or become much closer to this year: Alsatia, Marcus, Huei Ming, Micaela, Gareth, Audrey, Jeremiah, James, Logan, Eddie Dean.... I am so grateful that all these people have come into my life. We may not have known each other long, but I know that they have changed my life for the better. It is strange that these people have only been in my life for about a year, because I love them all so much. I didn't know what I was missing, but it was a lot. Providence was looking out for me when it brought them into my life. Each of these people have left their mark on my heart and I know I will never forget them.
To the friends who have stuck around with me a couple years: Emma, Kayla Martin, Lee.... I love all of you guys. We may have our occasional problems, but I know that if I really need something I can count on any one of you. I've been through a lot with all of you. Getting to know all of you was such a great adventure, and I know that there has been some point with each one of you that I opened myself up to you entirely, and you opened your hidden selves up to me. I have a lot of great memories with you guys, and I hope that we will get to keep building more and piling them on. The memories we've made will always hold a special place in my heart. Thank you so much for everything.
And then, there are those people who have been with me through the sweet simplicity of elementary school, the awkward stages of growth that middle school encompass, and the sprouting of wings called high school: Taylor and Josh. They have been with me through so much. I don't think I can really express my love for them, or how much they mean to me. Since 3rd grade, I have had memories with these guys. And there were times when we all drifted apart from each other and didn't really talk that much for long periods of time; entire years, even. But somehow, we became us. We have had so many memories together, good and bad, horrible and amazing. We've seen each other grow and mature so much that it is unbelievable. We've been with each other through the awkwardness that is puberty, watching each other spring from a child's body into an adult's. We have been with each other through phases of extreme craziness and weirdness. We all have experienced extremely embarassing stuff together, and have opened ourselves up to each other entirely. When it comes down to it, I trust them with my life. These guys witnessed me at my lowest, those hard years of depression. In the same manner, they have seen me at the best times in my life. They are responsible for the vast majority of them. Without these kids, I have no idea where I would be right now. They helped me learn to love myself again, learn to trust others again, been there for me when no one else seemed to be, took a spirit still mending from a shatter and making it whole again. What's great is that they didn't even know that they did it. They were just being themselves. We are always making each other better people; we always love each other and help each other love ourselves; we are always there for each other. I have countless memories and joyful times with these guys, and we are always building more together. I love them so much, and they are such amazing people. Honestly, I could probably go on for hours, but I'll spare you by ending it here.
...Hmm. That truly was not a premeditated thing, it just kind of happened. But I'm glad I did it. I mean every word of it, you guys. I cannot exrpress the gratitude that I have all of you guys in my life in words, and this attempt is a mere shadow of how I feel about all of you.
...Well, I need to go to bed now.
Ja ne.
I love how your blog is titled "Remind me again why I created a blog". You know who you are. XD
Recently I have been reinstating balance into my life. Having friends that do not really like each other, try to avoid each other, and act differently in each other's presence is a little difficult, but I am getting used to it. After all, the weekend IS made up of three days. One day for old friends, one day for new, and one day for me. And although sometimes it's frustrating having friends that don't always get along, I love all my friends dearly and am so grateful to have them that I don't mind having to compromise sometimes. And getting balance back in my life has been really great for me. I have found myself again, and started liking myself again. All the stress, loneliness, self-loathing, and sadness that I'd been feeling recently has been gone for the past few weeks. I have getting the balance back in my life to thank for that. And for a lot of great times with people I love. ^-^
A few weeks ago, I had an epiphany. Several, actually. I feel like this year, I have been discovering a shit ton about myself, the world, and my life. Ah! That's it! 2010 is the year of discovery.
:)
One major discovery I have made is that there are a few people in this world I cannot live without. And, I can make it through anything as long as I have them. And do you know what the great thing is? I have recently realized, that nothing can ever tear us apart. We belong together, all of us. And things may change, and we may have to separate physically, but we will ALWAYS be in each other's hearts and thoughts. We will always love each other and be there for each other. And really, that is all I need to be happy in life.
Of course, even life must come to an end. Everything that lives must die. But I have recently gained a new perspective on death. Suddenly, I've become aware that death is not the ending everyone makes it out to be. It is just the beginning; the start of a new adventure. I used to fear and dread death to a great degree. But now, I don't. Of course, I'm not at all ready for it--I have so much to do, so many people to love who are going to be alive for a long time to come, so many things of this realm I have not experienced. But I also feel that when the time comes that I have to be taken from this Earth, my spirit's journey will not be over. I do not know what will happen to it. Maybe there is God, maybe it will be reincarnated, maybe it will wander. But there are countless adventures awaiting me after death.
And another thing. Love... love is really powerful. Love is really all you need. No matter what happens in the future, as long as my life is filled with love, I will be able to find happiness. Some days may be darker than others, and sometimes I may have to dig to find it. But as long as I am with people I love, it can be found. Especially if I am with the one person I love most.
Believe it or not, I have made even more discoveries than that. However, those are really the only ones I feel like writing about right now, so there you go.
Today, Taylor, Josh, and I hung out at Taylor's house. It was so nice; a feeling of contentment and peace stole over me while I was with them. We watched old videos, and it was very nostalgic.... We were all so little. I think Taylor and Josh were more different than me, compared to now. Josh was the most different, of course. Haha.
At one point, I was laying down in her bed, and I found myself suddenly quite sleepy. I cuddled up and started to just listen, eyes closed. And I realized that I find the sound of their voices extremely comforting. The tones and nuances of their speech were like a lullaby, and hearing their voices brought to me a great sense of security and happiness. I probably could've slept right there, had I not found the conversation so interesting. The time went by too fast, and I found I was shocked when I looked at the clock and it read that it was already 10.
It's not like we did anything particularly exciting. We watched old videos, read scripts, and talked. But somehow, that was enough. Without any effort, it somehow made itself equal to the great times I've had running around, out and about, doing exciting things and trying new experiences.
Although I will admit, that night with the aliens, fingercuffs, and parking garage will always be a very tough one to beat. XD
It's 1:23 am, make a wish. I wish for a pony!
I just want everyone who reads this to know that I love them. I have been feeling so grateful for my friends lately. I have such a large list of people who are there for me, people I love, people I have so much fun with. I am so, so blessed to have this. And I want everyone to know that I realize this. And I appreciate them.
To all the new friends I have made, or become much closer to this year: Alsatia, Marcus, Huei Ming, Micaela, Gareth, Audrey, Jeremiah, James, Logan, Eddie Dean.... I am so grateful that all these people have come into my life. We may not have known each other long, but I know that they have changed my life for the better. It is strange that these people have only been in my life for about a year, because I love them all so much. I didn't know what I was missing, but it was a lot. Providence was looking out for me when it brought them into my life. Each of these people have left their mark on my heart and I know I will never forget them.
To the friends who have stuck around with me a couple years: Emma, Kayla Martin, Lee.... I love all of you guys. We may have our occasional problems, but I know that if I really need something I can count on any one of you. I've been through a lot with all of you. Getting to know all of you was such a great adventure, and I know that there has been some point with each one of you that I opened myself up to you entirely, and you opened your hidden selves up to me. I have a lot of great memories with you guys, and I hope that we will get to keep building more and piling them on. The memories we've made will always hold a special place in my heart. Thank you so much for everything.
And then, there are those people who have been with me through the sweet simplicity of elementary school, the awkward stages of growth that middle school encompass, and the sprouting of wings called high school: Taylor and Josh. They have been with me through so much. I don't think I can really express my love for them, or how much they mean to me. Since 3rd grade, I have had memories with these guys. And there were times when we all drifted apart from each other and didn't really talk that much for long periods of time; entire years, even. But somehow, we became us. We have had so many memories together, good and bad, horrible and amazing. We've seen each other grow and mature so much that it is unbelievable. We've been with each other through the awkwardness that is puberty, watching each other spring from a child's body into an adult's. We have been with each other through phases of extreme craziness and weirdness. We all have experienced extremely embarassing stuff together, and have opened ourselves up to each other entirely. When it comes down to it, I trust them with my life. These guys witnessed me at my lowest, those hard years of depression. In the same manner, they have seen me at the best times in my life. They are responsible for the vast majority of them. Without these kids, I have no idea where I would be right now. They helped me learn to love myself again, learn to trust others again, been there for me when no one else seemed to be, took a spirit still mending from a shatter and making it whole again. What's great is that they didn't even know that they did it. They were just being themselves. We are always making each other better people; we always love each other and help each other love ourselves; we are always there for each other. I have countless memories and joyful times with these guys, and we are always building more together. I love them so much, and they are such amazing people. Honestly, I could probably go on for hours, but I'll spare you by ending it here.
...Hmm. That truly was not a premeditated thing, it just kind of happened. But I'm glad I did it. I mean every word of it, you guys. I cannot exrpress the gratitude that I have all of you guys in my life in words, and this attempt is a mere shadow of how I feel about all of you.
...Well, I need to go to bed now.
Ja ne.
2/4/10
So...
Today, I was doing my quote list.
And I realized that there are so many good quotes by specific groups/people, that I want to put them in more than one entry.
And so, here is what I am going to do:
-Bright Eyes quotes entry
-Dr Seuss quotes entry
-Fruits Basket quotes entry
-Miscellaneous quotes entry
So, I will be starting that sometime soon. But, it's 5:07 and I have to get ready for play practice now.
Ja ne.
And I realized that there are so many good quotes by specific groups/people, that I want to put them in more than one entry.
And so, here is what I am going to do:
-Bright Eyes quotes entry
-Dr Seuss quotes entry
-Fruits Basket quotes entry
-Miscellaneous quotes entry
So, I will be starting that sometime soon. But, it's 5:07 and I have to get ready for play practice now.
Ja ne.
1/26/10
What the Hell, Rachel's doing a blog entry?
...Hey, that actually leads really nicely into the blog I'm posting.
Basically, there are things that bother me. There are things that upset me. There are things I think are ridiculous. But nothing is as bothersome, upsetting, and ridiculous as being told that I'm going to Hell because I'm not sure if I believe in God.
(I have so many thoughts on this, that I should probably organize them first, but I don't feel like putting that much effort into a blog.)
Several times in my life, I have been told in one way or another that I am going to Hell due to my inability to believe in God. People that I love dearly, even, think that I am going to be subjected to eternal damnation and suffering, just because I don't believe in God. (No, precious ginger, I'm not talking about you.)
Last year, I was told by 2 people that I was going to Hell due to my lack of belief. Directly. No beating around the bush, edging around the subject, I was just told that.
As soon as I was out of their sight, I started crying. I cried as I walked home, I cried when I got home. One of those people has apologized, and said that she doesn't think that anymore. Another hasn't, and still thinks I'm going to Hell.
Ever since I started doubting my beliefs in God, Hell was one of my major fears. Thinking about it would strike me with intense fear. When I thought about it, I'd feel like crying. I was so scared of death because I didn't want to go to Hell. Well, now I don't worry about it so much. I truly think that if God is as righteous as everyone says He is, He would not send me to eternal suffering for something I have no control over. However, it still hurts me a lot when people tell me I'm going to Hell. Simply because they can just callously, coldly tell me that and not care. "So guess what, Rachel, you thought I cared about you but I actually think that your soul is cursed and destined to writhe in agony forever. Have fun."
...Basically, when people tell me that, I feel as though they don't care about me.
So who are the people who tell me I'm going to Hell? Conservative, stuffy, holier-than-thou Christians. Not all Christians, just the prick ones. It doesn't matter how nice you are. Telling someone they're going to Hell is mean. Trying to decide someone's fate, and deciding that it will be negative, and then letting those people know, is horrible. It's a horrible, disgusting, awful thing to do.
What's funny is that most of these people have never even read the Bible. There they go, preaching their twisted faith like it's fact, when they have not even actually read the book from whence their beliefs came. It's utter ignorance and hipocrisy. You're telling me that I'm eternally damned because of my lack of a relationship in God, when you haven't even read his teachings. That makes total sense.... Oh wait, no it doesn't.
Also, what makes you, a pathetic human, think you have the right to decide what happens to me after I die? You don't know. You have no more idea of what will happen in the afterlife than I do. You have faith in something, and that's all it is. Faith. There is no scientific fact proving that God exists, or that Hell exists, or that that is where people without faith in God go. It's not a fact, don't talk to me like it is. Especially since the thing you're preaching is so cruel and twisted. It's YOUR belief, and YOU have no right to decide what's going to happen to me when I die. You're not me. And more than that, you're not GOD.
People who say that don't even realize that they're playing God when they say it. By trying to tell me what happens to me after I die, you are playing God. You are saying that much more powerful forces than you... science, nature, fate, karma, even God himself... don't have the right to decide my fate, because you already know it. You already know I'm setting myself up for eternal damnation. You know that, huh? Wow.
But you can NOT make that decision. Only God Himself can. And if God really is this great, glorious, praise-worthy entity, He will NOT send good people to Hell due to a lack of faith. He simply won't. And I don't think He appreciates you taking it upon yourself to make that decision for him. It is NOT your choice, or your decision to make, what will happen to me after I die. It's God's, according to you, and yet you're trying to take that power away from Him.
These people, they're fear-mongering. "Believe what I tell you, or else suffer a fate worse than death." Sure, what they preach sounds wonderful. But what Stalin and Hitler preached also sounded wonderful. And if people didn't believe that, oh, everything was just jolly as people starved in the Soviet Union and Hitler killed all the Jews, they were punished. And, okay, maybe religion isn't starving anyone or doing horrible things, but in essence they are using fear to get people to believe what they want to believe. Which is the same thing that the fascist dictators of the world do.
Even putting all those things aside, what Christian people don't seem to understand is that you can't FORCE yourself to have a relationship with God. Believe me, I've tried. But even when I was little, it didn't really connect. Even then, when I would say a prayer or talk about God, it felt like I was playing pretend. As I got a little bit older, it was just me doing what my parents wanted me to do, believing what they wanted me to believe. But I never really believed. And no matter how I try, I can't force myself to. I can't force a relationship with God. Even if I were to come to school tomorrow, telling everyone how amazing and wonderful God was, saying I was Christian and that I believed in God, it would just be a lie. A facade. And we all know I can't lie.
I WANT to believe in God. Really, I do. But I just can't. I can't force myself to. I can't fully put faith in Him. That is something you have to understand. And God won't punish me for what I can't help.
Well, there's nothing really more I want to say at the moment, so that's pretty much it.
...Hey, that actually leads really nicely into the blog I'm posting.
Basically, there are things that bother me. There are things that upset me. There are things I think are ridiculous. But nothing is as bothersome, upsetting, and ridiculous as being told that I'm going to Hell because I'm not sure if I believe in God.
(I have so many thoughts on this, that I should probably organize them first, but I don't feel like putting that much effort into a blog.)
Several times in my life, I have been told in one way or another that I am going to Hell due to my inability to believe in God. People that I love dearly, even, think that I am going to be subjected to eternal damnation and suffering, just because I don't believe in God. (No, precious ginger, I'm not talking about you.)
Last year, I was told by 2 people that I was going to Hell due to my lack of belief. Directly. No beating around the bush, edging around the subject, I was just told that.
As soon as I was out of their sight, I started crying. I cried as I walked home, I cried when I got home. One of those people has apologized, and said that she doesn't think that anymore. Another hasn't, and still thinks I'm going to Hell.
Ever since I started doubting my beliefs in God, Hell was one of my major fears. Thinking about it would strike me with intense fear. When I thought about it, I'd feel like crying. I was so scared of death because I didn't want to go to Hell. Well, now I don't worry about it so much. I truly think that if God is as righteous as everyone says He is, He would not send me to eternal suffering for something I have no control over. However, it still hurts me a lot when people tell me I'm going to Hell. Simply because they can just callously, coldly tell me that and not care. "So guess what, Rachel, you thought I cared about you but I actually think that your soul is cursed and destined to writhe in agony forever. Have fun."
...Basically, when people tell me that, I feel as though they don't care about me.
So who are the people who tell me I'm going to Hell? Conservative, stuffy, holier-than-thou Christians. Not all Christians, just the prick ones. It doesn't matter how nice you are. Telling someone they're going to Hell is mean. Trying to decide someone's fate, and deciding that it will be negative, and then letting those people know, is horrible. It's a horrible, disgusting, awful thing to do.
What's funny is that most of these people have never even read the Bible. There they go, preaching their twisted faith like it's fact, when they have not even actually read the book from whence their beliefs came. It's utter ignorance and hipocrisy. You're telling me that I'm eternally damned because of my lack of a relationship in God, when you haven't even read his teachings. That makes total sense.... Oh wait, no it doesn't.
Also, what makes you, a pathetic human, think you have the right to decide what happens to me after I die? You don't know. You have no more idea of what will happen in the afterlife than I do. You have faith in something, and that's all it is. Faith. There is no scientific fact proving that God exists, or that Hell exists, or that that is where people without faith in God go. It's not a fact, don't talk to me like it is. Especially since the thing you're preaching is so cruel and twisted. It's YOUR belief, and YOU have no right to decide what's going to happen to me when I die. You're not me. And more than that, you're not GOD.
People who say that don't even realize that they're playing God when they say it. By trying to tell me what happens to me after I die, you are playing God. You are saying that much more powerful forces than you... science, nature, fate, karma, even God himself... don't have the right to decide my fate, because you already know it. You already know I'm setting myself up for eternal damnation. You know that, huh? Wow.
But you can NOT make that decision. Only God Himself can. And if God really is this great, glorious, praise-worthy entity, He will NOT send good people to Hell due to a lack of faith. He simply won't. And I don't think He appreciates you taking it upon yourself to make that decision for him. It is NOT your choice, or your decision to make, what will happen to me after I die. It's God's, according to you, and yet you're trying to take that power away from Him.
These people, they're fear-mongering. "Believe what I tell you, or else suffer a fate worse than death." Sure, what they preach sounds wonderful. But what Stalin and Hitler preached also sounded wonderful. And if people didn't believe that, oh, everything was just jolly as people starved in the Soviet Union and Hitler killed all the Jews, they were punished. And, okay, maybe religion isn't starving anyone or doing horrible things, but in essence they are using fear to get people to believe what they want to believe. Which is the same thing that the fascist dictators of the world do.
Even putting all those things aside, what Christian people don't seem to understand is that you can't FORCE yourself to have a relationship with God. Believe me, I've tried. But even when I was little, it didn't really connect. Even then, when I would say a prayer or talk about God, it felt like I was playing pretend. As I got a little bit older, it was just me doing what my parents wanted me to do, believing what they wanted me to believe. But I never really believed. And no matter how I try, I can't force myself to. I can't force a relationship with God. Even if I were to come to school tomorrow, telling everyone how amazing and wonderful God was, saying I was Christian and that I believed in God, it would just be a lie. A facade. And we all know I can't lie.
I WANT to believe in God. Really, I do. But I just can't. I can't force myself to. I can't fully put faith in Him. That is something you have to understand. And God won't punish me for what I can't help.
Well, there's nothing really more I want to say at the moment, so that's pretty much it.
1/12/10
There's a switch that gets hit, and it all stops making sense.
A blog about cutting. Because everyone else is doing it.
Definitely, my thoughts are apathetic on cutting. I have nothing to do with it, and it has nothing to do with me.
I don't hate it, or even dislike it. But I obviously don't like it either. Honestly, I always tend to see past the cutting to the emotions behind it. For some reason I can't really see the two as linked.
Also, I can't relate to cutting at all. I can hear the things that people say about it, and I'll understand logically, but I won't understand emotionally. I honestly can't relate at all to cutting. Even when I was at my lowest point, when I was super depressed, cutting never even crossed my mind. Dying crossed my mind; suicide crossed my mind.... I never considered it, but I thought about it. I never even THOUGHT about cutting. And in that way as well, I can't relate to the desire to cut. In my head, I can think, "Yeah, it's like a drug. Once you do it it's hard to stop. It helps people feel like they're in control. People want to do it to help themselves feel better." But emotionally, I cannot understand cutting. I cannot relate to it in the slightest.
Now, that's not to say I judge people who cut. I truly don't. Although I can't emotionally relate to it, my logical brain tells me that it's a very hard thing to go through. My logical brain can understand why people do it. I understand cutting, it's just on a very shallow level. So I would never judge someone for it. Then again, I never judge people for anything, unless they're mean, or they're intentionally hurting others. But still.
When I hear about people cutting, it neither shocks me or causes me to pity them. Really, it barely causes me any concern. People cope with things in different ways. If that is one way to cope, then whatever. It's whatever. Would I do it? No. Should people do it? No, probably not, because it can hurt others. But do I honestly care when people cut? Not really. It's like writing in a journal. It's a way to cope. And as long as you're being safe and sterile about it, it's whatever. Would I frown upon someone for crying? No. Just because it involves bloodletting, suddenly it becomes this awful taboo thing. To me it is the same as crying. In fact, crying tugs my heartsrtings a little more because I can relate to it.
...However, it CAN hurt others around you. And that is the worst part of cutting. The only part that would really make me say "People should not cut". The fact that it hurts other people. Also, the fact that it can end up just causing more emotional problems for the people who do it. If not for that, I honestly would not mind cutting in the slightest. I don't see it as something to feel bad about, or something really awful. But I would not to it myself, simply because I prefer other methods of coping with problems. And because I can't see cutting helping me feel better.
If you cut every night, I would tell you to get help. However, if you cried every night, I would also tell you to get help. Because I don't see the blood and the shame all that. I see that the emotions involved are something you cannot handle on your own, just as emotions where you cry every night are things you can't handle on your own.
And so, those are my views on cutting. Are they cold, callous, and offensive? Probably. But you know... it's whatever.
Ja ne. :]
Definitely, my thoughts are apathetic on cutting. I have nothing to do with it, and it has nothing to do with me.
I don't hate it, or even dislike it. But I obviously don't like it either. Honestly, I always tend to see past the cutting to the emotions behind it. For some reason I can't really see the two as linked.
Also, I can't relate to cutting at all. I can hear the things that people say about it, and I'll understand logically, but I won't understand emotionally. I honestly can't relate at all to cutting. Even when I was at my lowest point, when I was super depressed, cutting never even crossed my mind. Dying crossed my mind; suicide crossed my mind.... I never considered it, but I thought about it. I never even THOUGHT about cutting. And in that way as well, I can't relate to the desire to cut. In my head, I can think, "Yeah, it's like a drug. Once you do it it's hard to stop. It helps people feel like they're in control. People want to do it to help themselves feel better." But emotionally, I cannot understand cutting. I cannot relate to it in the slightest.
Now, that's not to say I judge people who cut. I truly don't. Although I can't emotionally relate to it, my logical brain tells me that it's a very hard thing to go through. My logical brain can understand why people do it. I understand cutting, it's just on a very shallow level. So I would never judge someone for it. Then again, I never judge people for anything, unless they're mean, or they're intentionally hurting others. But still.
When I hear about people cutting, it neither shocks me or causes me to pity them. Really, it barely causes me any concern. People cope with things in different ways. If that is one way to cope, then whatever. It's whatever. Would I do it? No. Should people do it? No, probably not, because it can hurt others. But do I honestly care when people cut? Not really. It's like writing in a journal. It's a way to cope. And as long as you're being safe and sterile about it, it's whatever. Would I frown upon someone for crying? No. Just because it involves bloodletting, suddenly it becomes this awful taboo thing. To me it is the same as crying. In fact, crying tugs my heartsrtings a little more because I can relate to it.
...However, it CAN hurt others around you. And that is the worst part of cutting. The only part that would really make me say "People should not cut". The fact that it hurts other people. Also, the fact that it can end up just causing more emotional problems for the people who do it. If not for that, I honestly would not mind cutting in the slightest. I don't see it as something to feel bad about, or something really awful. But I would not to it myself, simply because I prefer other methods of coping with problems. And because I can't see cutting helping me feel better.
If you cut every night, I would tell you to get help. However, if you cried every night, I would also tell you to get help. Because I don't see the blood and the shame all that. I see that the emotions involved are something you cannot handle on your own, just as emotions where you cry every night are things you can't handle on your own.
And so, those are my views on cutting. Are they cold, callous, and offensive? Probably. But you know... it's whatever.
Ja ne. :]
1/6/10
Once upon a time...
...I said I would like to someday do a blog of my favorite song quotes. That time is now.
I'm in school right now, so I don't have my iPod, so I will definitely be editing this later (and probably as time goes on and on, and I find more quotes I like). In other words, this is the ever-changing blog entry of awesomeness. Haha. But it will pretty much be all quotes. Not necessarily all song quotes, but all quotes. All these quotes are fairly general that can apply to everyone's life in some way, and many of them are quotes that give me inspiration and help me make it through the day.
And so, let's begin....
I'm in school right now, so I don't have my iPod, so I will definitely be editing this later (and probably as time goes on and on, and I find more quotes I like). In other words, this is the ever-changing blog entry of awesomeness. Haha. But it will pretty much be all quotes. Not necessarily all song quotes, but all quotes. All these quotes are fairly general that can apply to everyone's life in some way, and many of them are quotes that give me inspiration and help me make it through the day.
And so, let's begin....
- "Nothing in the past or future ever will feel like today." -Bright Eyes
- "The night is darkest just before the dawn." -The Dark Knight
- "If you lose yourself in worries, you waste the 'now'". -Fruits Basket
- "If the world could remain within a frame like a painting on a wall, I think we'd see the beauty then, and stand staring in awe at our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges. Like a story told by the fault lines and the soil." -Bright Eyes
- "Your eyes must do some raining if you're ever gonna grow." -Bright Eyes
- "I'll fight like Hell to hide that I'm giving up." -Bright Eyes
- "Pray for love on other planets; we can't be the only ones who have it." -Say Anything
- "Into the caverns of tomorrow with just our flashlights and our love, we must plunge." -Bright Eyes
- "Happiness is only real when shared." -Into the Wild
- "Into the ear of every anarchist that sleeps but doesn't dream, we must sing." -Bright Eyes
- "Did you know that the wind, when it blows... it is older than Rome, and our joy and our sorrow." -Bright Eyes
- "Just as there is despair in this world, there are people who will hold out their hand to you." -Fruits Basket
- "All you give is returned." -Bright Eyes
- "I'm telling you, duckie, you're really quite lucky. Some people are much more, oh ever so much more, so muchly much much more unlucky than you." -Dr. Seuss
- "We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call 'misdirected rage'. I believe the technical term is being an ass." -Fruits Basket
- "There's more to this world than darkness. It isn't only black." -Fruits Basket
- "If life seems absurd, what you need is some laughter." -Bright Eyes
- "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -Dr Seuss
- "A man’s true strength is found in the friends that support him." -Fruits Basket
- "Take the fruit from the tree; break the skin with your teeth. Is it bitter or sweet? All depends on the timing." -Bright Eyes
- “How did it get so late so soon? It's night before its afternoon. December is here before it's June. My goodness how the time has flewn." -Dr Seuss
- "It's the ones with the sorest throats who've done the most singing." -Bright Eyes
- “Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.” -Dr Seuss
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)