This is a letter to you, but it's mostly a letter to old you, which is why I told you not to read it. I'm hoping that you listen, and that if you ever do read it, it will be because the time is right for you to read it. (If it's within a month after you told me you wouldn't, GO AWAY.) Mostly, I just have to get these thoughts out somewhere they won't just be saved in a hard drive.
I miss you. I made the mistake of reading our old conversations and I want to reach back in time and tell you, I miss you. Tell you that I love you. Tell you that I made the wrong choice every time I made the choice that wasn't you, and tell you that by the time I was ready to make the choice of you, it wasn't something you wanted anymore. I don't know if that you, my you, would even believe me. He was so convinced that his feelings would never fade. He was scared, but he was happy. But he didn't know me--not all of me. He didn't know that I would ruin it all beyond repair, in the end.
At one point, I told you, "I'm sorry, but I'm never going to make the choice that's right. I'm going to make the choice that's easy." The choice that's comfortable. I wish I could go back and kick my old self in the shin really hard, because I regret that choice so much.
I think maybe, you used to think of me when you listened to Flashlight. Well, I think of you when I listen to Tattooed Tears, and I have for a long time, since the last time we had feelings for each other in July of 2015. I think of you when I hear the line, "I'm gonna have to learn, that this love will never be convenient."
The you I have now, who is a good you, but not as good as the old you, gives lots of conditionals about hanging out. Seems to view it as a chore more than something to be excited about. Can't talk to me about emotional shit, and claims it's just because he doesn't feel things that deeply or have anything to say about things. The you I have now doesn't want to listen to my stupid stories, doesn't laugh at my stupid jokes, doesn't perform random acts of kindness that are simple but just happen to be perfect for me.
The you I miss more than I can describe, the you I still love--that you got anxious when we missed hanging out. That you talked to me extensively about anything and everything. Always more than a short word or sentence in response. That you read my entire blog, watched a ridiculous amount of videos that were just me derping around with high school and freshman year friends, that you cherished every new detail. That you left an envelope with three pogs and a fork in my mailbox, and bought me a styrofoam head for my birthday.
I've been having those moments lately of "How the hell did we go from there to here?" (How did I get here? Where the hell am I?) I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment where things became beyond repair, so that I could go back and fix it. So that maybe I could still have old you with me. But I... I really fucked things up, didn't I? It's not like I can blame you for changing. I'm shocked you're even still my best friend.
There are so many reasons why I thought we couldn't work, but I think all of our problems stemmed from doubting each other's love. You thought I didn't care about you, and I thought you didn't care about me, and somewhere along the line, we stopped trusting each other fully and completely and recklessly. And when that trust was lost, everything was sort of lost. But I think if that love was there, everything would sort of fall into place. It could be as easy as breathing, like it was meant to be so long ago. Like it would have been if I met you first. Of course, though, "if that love was there" is that huge, impossible conditional.
Hey. I know you're not the same you now, and I know I can't get that old you back. So don't worry. And I love you. You're my best friend. But I know it's not like that with us.
But I just, I've been feeling a lot of things for that you that I used to know. And I wanted to tell him I miss him. And I love him so, so much. I wanted to tell him goodbye.
I'm going to be okay. Someday, I'm going to find someone who loves me as much as you used to. Someday, I'm going to find someone who doesn't make me question my self-worth. Maybe someday, I can really find someone who values me as much as I value them, and continues to do that for the rest of our lives. That's my hope for the future. For now, being alone is good. I get better at it all the time. I'm going to be okay. And thank you.
11/1/16
3/28/16
Depression is waking up every day not knowing what your day is going to be like. Will I be strong today, or will my depression be strong today?
Depression is not wanting to wake up at all.
Depression is constantly feeling like your heart is being crushed and wishing you knew why.
Depression is focusing on the negatives--in yourself, in your life, in the people around you.
Depression is blaming yourself for everything negative but not giving yourself credit for anything good.
Depression is your self-image being based on how much better off everyone would be if you didn't exist.
Depression is constantly battling the impulse to make not existing a reality.
Depression is why get excited about anything when everything is pointless?
Depression is life in grayscale.
Depression is "am I emoting today or does everyone think I seem like a bitch because I can't make myself feel the things I should?"
Depression is thinking "When was the last time I was happy?" and not being able to remember.
Depression is wondering why.
Why is this happening?
Why am I like this?
Why do I feel this way?
Why do I keep surviving?
Why am I crying?
Why can't I cry?
Why can't I make it stop?
Depression is hard.
Depression sucks.
Depression is not wanting to wake up at all.
Depression is constantly feeling like your heart is being crushed and wishing you knew why.
Depression is focusing on the negatives--in yourself, in your life, in the people around you.
Depression is blaming yourself for everything negative but not giving yourself credit for anything good.
Depression is your self-image being based on how much better off everyone would be if you didn't exist.
Depression is constantly battling the impulse to make not existing a reality.
Depression is why get excited about anything when everything is pointless?
Depression is life in grayscale.
Depression is "am I emoting today or does everyone think I seem like a bitch because I can't make myself feel the things I should?"
Depression is thinking "When was the last time I was happy?" and not being able to remember.
Depression is wondering why.
Why is this happening?
Why am I like this?
Why do I feel this way?
Why do I keep surviving?
Why am I crying?
Why can't I cry?
Why can't I make it stop?
Depression is hard.
Depression sucks.
6/29/15
4/25/15
2/18/14
10/2/13
Maybe I think you're cute and funny.
Maybe I wanna do what bunnies do with you, if you know what I mean.
8/15/13
There is nothing I want more in this moment than to be able to text my boyfriend and tell him that I'm lonely.
But I can't do that anymore, because there is no boyfriend anymore. There is just me. Just sad, longing, lonely me.
Humans are not designed to exist as individual units. There's this ancient Greek legend that claims that when humans were first formed, they had four legs and four arms, and a single head with two faces. Of these humans, some were men, some were women, and some were androgynous--both genders. But these humans were too powerful, and they were a threat to the gods. To eradicate that threat, and punish humans for their pride, Zeus split the creatures in half. However, this split caused them to be in such utter misery that they would not eat and began to die off. Apollo reconstituted the bodies so that parts of them would harken back to the original form, but the humans were still destined to forever long for their other half.
This is just a legend, but it rings true so thoroughly. Two humans that manage to fall in love are so much stronger together than anyone is by themselves. It's in our nature to seek others out; to long for a partnership, because that is how we were designed and how we thrive.
There's a reason that humans can take so long to grow up. It's because when we mate, we mate for life. We work together for years to raise someone who is self-sufficient. It's something that couldn't be accomplished if our relationships were only meant to last for two or three years.
And I know that these days, the divorce rate is 53%. And looking at those odds, it's hard to believe that two people really could stay together forever. That the love you feel so passionately in the beginning really can last. But I've seen it happen. I've grown up in a family full of happy marriages. Both sets of grandparents, the vast majority of my aunts and uncles. In particular, my parents. My parents have been married for 26 years now and they still hold hands in the car, and cuddle when they watch movies, and laugh at each other's jokes. Their love has evolved and changed over the years, but I can tell it's still just as powerful as it was in the beginning.
So I've grown up knowing that committed relationships can work. I've grown up seeing lasting love before my own eyes every day. And maybe that's why I commit as hard as I do to relationships. Why even in 8th grade, my first relationship lasted so much longer than most do at that age, and those long relationships have been my experience for my life to date. It takes me a long time to fall for someone, but once I do, there is no going back. Once I fall for you, I'm with you until you force me away. I am fully and wholeheartedly committed to you for conceivably the rest of my life. It's why I've been ready to commit to one person for the rest of my life at the age of 16. It's why when you talk about marriage, and tell me you want a future with me, and secretly propose to me, I expect us to be together for the rest of our lives. And I look forward to it.
And that's why I will never be the type of person who wants to have a lot of relationships. I don't think I'm the type of person who is capable of having a lot of relationships. I invest so much of my heart and soul, my trust and my self, into relationships that when one ends it is literally as though I am irrevocably losing a piece of all of those things. And for this reason, the more failed relationships I go through, the more I will lose myself forever.
When I enter a relationship, because I enter it so fully and completely, it comes to define me. It becomes my number one priority and I would give up anything for it. Without trying to, I take on the personality traits and mannerisms of the person I'm with. I change myself so that I can make the other person happy; keep the relationship strong. If the person I'm with likes their space, I become the most understanding person ever as far as being blown off and giving them alone time and time to hang out with other people, etc. If I'm with someone who's jealous, I limit what I do and who I hang out with so that I can make sure that they don't feel threatened by anything. I always sacrifice so much of myself, but I always think it's worth it. Which is why it baffles me so much when people decide that it isn't.
I mean, I try my hardest to be a good girlfriend. In any relationship I'm in. And I have flaws, of course, but I think I do a fairly good job of it. And honestly, I think I'm a pretty cool person overall. I'm smart, interesting, understanding, funny. I'm not hideous to look at and have a pretty kickass body. And I try really hard to please others. I know that with who I am as a person, I could easily be in a relationship that would last and stay happy forever (not that it would be perfect, but no relationship ever is). I'm just getting scared that I will never find someone who is the same.
And people keep telling me that I'm young, that I have plenty of time, that I need to experience lots of different people and relationships, blah blah blah. But emotionally, as far as relationships go, I'm extremely mature. And I have been since the first time I fell in love. As soon as that happens I'm as serious as I will ever be able to be. Ready to change and compromise and give up everything and work through problems and be in it for the long haul. I've been like that since 16 and no amount of future relationships is going to make that any stronger. I don't feel like there is anything more I need to learn in that respect. Call me naive if you want to, but I really don't. It's not like I get better at relationships the more relationships I have. If anything, I get worse, because like I said each time I go through a relationship I give so much of myself to it that when it ends I lose a part of myself. And if it happens too many times I will stop being able to trust people altogether. So I don't want anymore experience. I just want one person to be with for forever.
And being that kind of person, it doesn't matter how young I am. Age doesn't define how much something hurts. It doesn't define the pain of loss or loneliness. You feel all that stuff to the degree of how much you emotionally invest in things. And how resilient you are. And I'm not resilient. I'm oversensitive to a fault. I'm wounded easily. I mean, once I know someone loves me they can make fun of me all they want. But if you're going to make fun of me you have to reassure me that you love me in equal parts.Which is something that people have a remarkably hard time with. And I end up hurting over it.
...That's not exactly an excellent way to end this post, but I feel like I've written out my feelings as much as I needed to at this point. I've never been too good at conclusions anyway.
But I can't do that anymore, because there is no boyfriend anymore. There is just me. Just sad, longing, lonely me.
Humans are not designed to exist as individual units. There's this ancient Greek legend that claims that when humans were first formed, they had four legs and four arms, and a single head with two faces. Of these humans, some were men, some were women, and some were androgynous--both genders. But these humans were too powerful, and they were a threat to the gods. To eradicate that threat, and punish humans for their pride, Zeus split the creatures in half. However, this split caused them to be in such utter misery that they would not eat and began to die off. Apollo reconstituted the bodies so that parts of them would harken back to the original form, but the humans were still destined to forever long for their other half.
This is just a legend, but it rings true so thoroughly. Two humans that manage to fall in love are so much stronger together than anyone is by themselves. It's in our nature to seek others out; to long for a partnership, because that is how we were designed and how we thrive.
There's a reason that humans can take so long to grow up. It's because when we mate, we mate for life. We work together for years to raise someone who is self-sufficient. It's something that couldn't be accomplished if our relationships were only meant to last for two or three years.
And I know that these days, the divorce rate is 53%. And looking at those odds, it's hard to believe that two people really could stay together forever. That the love you feel so passionately in the beginning really can last. But I've seen it happen. I've grown up in a family full of happy marriages. Both sets of grandparents, the vast majority of my aunts and uncles. In particular, my parents. My parents have been married for 26 years now and they still hold hands in the car, and cuddle when they watch movies, and laugh at each other's jokes. Their love has evolved and changed over the years, but I can tell it's still just as powerful as it was in the beginning.
So I've grown up knowing that committed relationships can work. I've grown up seeing lasting love before my own eyes every day. And maybe that's why I commit as hard as I do to relationships. Why even in 8th grade, my first relationship lasted so much longer than most do at that age, and those long relationships have been my experience for my life to date. It takes me a long time to fall for someone, but once I do, there is no going back. Once I fall for you, I'm with you until you force me away. I am fully and wholeheartedly committed to you for conceivably the rest of my life. It's why I've been ready to commit to one person for the rest of my life at the age of 16. It's why when you talk about marriage, and tell me you want a future with me, and secretly propose to me, I expect us to be together for the rest of our lives. And I look forward to it.
And that's why I will never be the type of person who wants to have a lot of relationships. I don't think I'm the type of person who is capable of having a lot of relationships. I invest so much of my heart and soul, my trust and my self, into relationships that when one ends it is literally as though I am irrevocably losing a piece of all of those things. And for this reason, the more failed relationships I go through, the more I will lose myself forever.
When I enter a relationship, because I enter it so fully and completely, it comes to define me. It becomes my number one priority and I would give up anything for it. Without trying to, I take on the personality traits and mannerisms of the person I'm with. I change myself so that I can make the other person happy; keep the relationship strong. If the person I'm with likes their space, I become the most understanding person ever as far as being blown off and giving them alone time and time to hang out with other people, etc. If I'm with someone who's jealous, I limit what I do and who I hang out with so that I can make sure that they don't feel threatened by anything. I always sacrifice so much of myself, but I always think it's worth it. Which is why it baffles me so much when people decide that it isn't.
I mean, I try my hardest to be a good girlfriend. In any relationship I'm in. And I have flaws, of course, but I think I do a fairly good job of it. And honestly, I think I'm a pretty cool person overall. I'm smart, interesting, understanding, funny. I'm not hideous to look at and have a pretty kickass body. And I try really hard to please others. I know that with who I am as a person, I could easily be in a relationship that would last and stay happy forever (not that it would be perfect, but no relationship ever is). I'm just getting scared that I will never find someone who is the same.
And people keep telling me that I'm young, that I have plenty of time, that I need to experience lots of different people and relationships, blah blah blah. But emotionally, as far as relationships go, I'm extremely mature. And I have been since the first time I fell in love. As soon as that happens I'm as serious as I will ever be able to be. Ready to change and compromise and give up everything and work through problems and be in it for the long haul. I've been like that since 16 and no amount of future relationships is going to make that any stronger. I don't feel like there is anything more I need to learn in that respect. Call me naive if you want to, but I really don't. It's not like I get better at relationships the more relationships I have. If anything, I get worse, because like I said each time I go through a relationship I give so much of myself to it that when it ends I lose a part of myself. And if it happens too many times I will stop being able to trust people altogether. So I don't want anymore experience. I just want one person to be with for forever.
And being that kind of person, it doesn't matter how young I am. Age doesn't define how much something hurts. It doesn't define the pain of loss or loneliness. You feel all that stuff to the degree of how much you emotionally invest in things. And how resilient you are. And I'm not resilient. I'm oversensitive to a fault. I'm wounded easily. I mean, once I know someone loves me they can make fun of me all they want. But if you're going to make fun of me you have to reassure me that you love me in equal parts.Which is something that people have a remarkably hard time with. And I end up hurting over it.
...That's not exactly an excellent way to end this post, but I feel like I've written out my feelings as much as I needed to at this point. I've never been too good at conclusions anyway.
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