4/25/15
2/18/14
10/2/13
Maybe I think you're cute and funny.
Maybe I wanna do what bunnies do with you, if you know what I mean.
8/15/13
There is nothing I want more in this moment than to be able to text my boyfriend and tell him that I'm lonely.
But I can't do that anymore, because there is no boyfriend anymore. There is just me. Just sad, longing, lonely me.
Humans are not designed to exist as individual units. There's this ancient Greek legend that claims that when humans were first formed, they had four legs and four arms, and a single head with two faces. Of these humans, some were men, some were women, and some were androgynous--both genders. But these humans were too powerful, and they were a threat to the gods. To eradicate that threat, and punish humans for their pride, Zeus split the creatures in half. However, this split caused them to be in such utter misery that they would not eat and began to die off. Apollo reconstituted the bodies so that parts of them would harken back to the original form, but the humans were still destined to forever long for their other half.
This is just a legend, but it rings true so thoroughly. Two humans that manage to fall in love are so much stronger together than anyone is by themselves. It's in our nature to seek others out; to long for a partnership, because that is how we were designed and how we thrive.
There's a reason that humans can take so long to grow up. It's because when we mate, we mate for life. We work together for years to raise someone who is self-sufficient. It's something that couldn't be accomplished if our relationships were only meant to last for two or three years.
And I know that these days, the divorce rate is 53%. And looking at those odds, it's hard to believe that two people really could stay together forever. That the love you feel so passionately in the beginning really can last. But I've seen it happen. I've grown up in a family full of happy marriages. Both sets of grandparents, the vast majority of my aunts and uncles. In particular, my parents. My parents have been married for 26 years now and they still hold hands in the car, and cuddle when they watch movies, and laugh at each other's jokes. Their love has evolved and changed over the years, but I can tell it's still just as powerful as it was in the beginning.
So I've grown up knowing that committed relationships can work. I've grown up seeing lasting love before my own eyes every day. And maybe that's why I commit as hard as I do to relationships. Why even in 8th grade, my first relationship lasted so much longer than most do at that age, and those long relationships have been my experience for my life to date. It takes me a long time to fall for someone, but once I do, there is no going back. Once I fall for you, I'm with you until you force me away. I am fully and wholeheartedly committed to you for conceivably the rest of my life. It's why I've been ready to commit to one person for the rest of my life at the age of 16. It's why when you talk about marriage, and tell me you want a future with me, and secretly propose to me, I expect us to be together for the rest of our lives. And I look forward to it.
And that's why I will never be the type of person who wants to have a lot of relationships. I don't think I'm the type of person who is capable of having a lot of relationships. I invest so much of my heart and soul, my trust and my self, into relationships that when one ends it is literally as though I am irrevocably losing a piece of all of those things. And for this reason, the more failed relationships I go through, the more I will lose myself forever.
When I enter a relationship, because I enter it so fully and completely, it comes to define me. It becomes my number one priority and I would give up anything for it. Without trying to, I take on the personality traits and mannerisms of the person I'm with. I change myself so that I can make the other person happy; keep the relationship strong. If the person I'm with likes their space, I become the most understanding person ever as far as being blown off and giving them alone time and time to hang out with other people, etc. If I'm with someone who's jealous, I limit what I do and who I hang out with so that I can make sure that they don't feel threatened by anything. I always sacrifice so much of myself, but I always think it's worth it. Which is why it baffles me so much when people decide that it isn't.
I mean, I try my hardest to be a good girlfriend. In any relationship I'm in. And I have flaws, of course, but I think I do a fairly good job of it. And honestly, I think I'm a pretty cool person overall. I'm smart, interesting, understanding, funny. I'm not hideous to look at and have a pretty kickass body. And I try really hard to please others. I know that with who I am as a person, I could easily be in a relationship that would last and stay happy forever (not that it would be perfect, but no relationship ever is). I'm just getting scared that I will never find someone who is the same.
And people keep telling me that I'm young, that I have plenty of time, that I need to experience lots of different people and relationships, blah blah blah. But emotionally, as far as relationships go, I'm extremely mature. And I have been since the first time I fell in love. As soon as that happens I'm as serious as I will ever be able to be. Ready to change and compromise and give up everything and work through problems and be in it for the long haul. I've been like that since 16 and no amount of future relationships is going to make that any stronger. I don't feel like there is anything more I need to learn in that respect. Call me naive if you want to, but I really don't. It's not like I get better at relationships the more relationships I have. If anything, I get worse, because like I said each time I go through a relationship I give so much of myself to it that when it ends I lose a part of myself. And if it happens too many times I will stop being able to trust people altogether. So I don't want anymore experience. I just want one person to be with for forever.
And being that kind of person, it doesn't matter how young I am. Age doesn't define how much something hurts. It doesn't define the pain of loss or loneliness. You feel all that stuff to the degree of how much you emotionally invest in things. And how resilient you are. And I'm not resilient. I'm oversensitive to a fault. I'm wounded easily. I mean, once I know someone loves me they can make fun of me all they want. But if you're going to make fun of me you have to reassure me that you love me in equal parts.Which is something that people have a remarkably hard time with. And I end up hurting over it.
...That's not exactly an excellent way to end this post, but I feel like I've written out my feelings as much as I needed to at this point. I've never been too good at conclusions anyway.
But I can't do that anymore, because there is no boyfriend anymore. There is just me. Just sad, longing, lonely me.
Humans are not designed to exist as individual units. There's this ancient Greek legend that claims that when humans were first formed, they had four legs and four arms, and a single head with two faces. Of these humans, some were men, some were women, and some were androgynous--both genders. But these humans were too powerful, and they were a threat to the gods. To eradicate that threat, and punish humans for their pride, Zeus split the creatures in half. However, this split caused them to be in such utter misery that they would not eat and began to die off. Apollo reconstituted the bodies so that parts of them would harken back to the original form, but the humans were still destined to forever long for their other half.
This is just a legend, but it rings true so thoroughly. Two humans that manage to fall in love are so much stronger together than anyone is by themselves. It's in our nature to seek others out; to long for a partnership, because that is how we were designed and how we thrive.
There's a reason that humans can take so long to grow up. It's because when we mate, we mate for life. We work together for years to raise someone who is self-sufficient. It's something that couldn't be accomplished if our relationships were only meant to last for two or three years.
And I know that these days, the divorce rate is 53%. And looking at those odds, it's hard to believe that two people really could stay together forever. That the love you feel so passionately in the beginning really can last. But I've seen it happen. I've grown up in a family full of happy marriages. Both sets of grandparents, the vast majority of my aunts and uncles. In particular, my parents. My parents have been married for 26 years now and they still hold hands in the car, and cuddle when they watch movies, and laugh at each other's jokes. Their love has evolved and changed over the years, but I can tell it's still just as powerful as it was in the beginning.
So I've grown up knowing that committed relationships can work. I've grown up seeing lasting love before my own eyes every day. And maybe that's why I commit as hard as I do to relationships. Why even in 8th grade, my first relationship lasted so much longer than most do at that age, and those long relationships have been my experience for my life to date. It takes me a long time to fall for someone, but once I do, there is no going back. Once I fall for you, I'm with you until you force me away. I am fully and wholeheartedly committed to you for conceivably the rest of my life. It's why I've been ready to commit to one person for the rest of my life at the age of 16. It's why when you talk about marriage, and tell me you want a future with me, and secretly propose to me, I expect us to be together for the rest of our lives. And I look forward to it.
And that's why I will never be the type of person who wants to have a lot of relationships. I don't think I'm the type of person who is capable of having a lot of relationships. I invest so much of my heart and soul, my trust and my self, into relationships that when one ends it is literally as though I am irrevocably losing a piece of all of those things. And for this reason, the more failed relationships I go through, the more I will lose myself forever.
When I enter a relationship, because I enter it so fully and completely, it comes to define me. It becomes my number one priority and I would give up anything for it. Without trying to, I take on the personality traits and mannerisms of the person I'm with. I change myself so that I can make the other person happy; keep the relationship strong. If the person I'm with likes their space, I become the most understanding person ever as far as being blown off and giving them alone time and time to hang out with other people, etc. If I'm with someone who's jealous, I limit what I do and who I hang out with so that I can make sure that they don't feel threatened by anything. I always sacrifice so much of myself, but I always think it's worth it. Which is why it baffles me so much when people decide that it isn't.
I mean, I try my hardest to be a good girlfriend. In any relationship I'm in. And I have flaws, of course, but I think I do a fairly good job of it. And honestly, I think I'm a pretty cool person overall. I'm smart, interesting, understanding, funny. I'm not hideous to look at and have a pretty kickass body. And I try really hard to please others. I know that with who I am as a person, I could easily be in a relationship that would last and stay happy forever (not that it would be perfect, but no relationship ever is). I'm just getting scared that I will never find someone who is the same.
And people keep telling me that I'm young, that I have plenty of time, that I need to experience lots of different people and relationships, blah blah blah. But emotionally, as far as relationships go, I'm extremely mature. And I have been since the first time I fell in love. As soon as that happens I'm as serious as I will ever be able to be. Ready to change and compromise and give up everything and work through problems and be in it for the long haul. I've been like that since 16 and no amount of future relationships is going to make that any stronger. I don't feel like there is anything more I need to learn in that respect. Call me naive if you want to, but I really don't. It's not like I get better at relationships the more relationships I have. If anything, I get worse, because like I said each time I go through a relationship I give so much of myself to it that when it ends I lose a part of myself. And if it happens too many times I will stop being able to trust people altogether. So I don't want anymore experience. I just want one person to be with for forever.
And being that kind of person, it doesn't matter how young I am. Age doesn't define how much something hurts. It doesn't define the pain of loss or loneliness. You feel all that stuff to the degree of how much you emotionally invest in things. And how resilient you are. And I'm not resilient. I'm oversensitive to a fault. I'm wounded easily. I mean, once I know someone loves me they can make fun of me all they want. But if you're going to make fun of me you have to reassure me that you love me in equal parts.Which is something that people have a remarkably hard time with. And I end up hurting over it.
...That's not exactly an excellent way to end this post, but I feel like I've written out my feelings as much as I needed to at this point. I've never been too good at conclusions anyway.
12/10/12
11/9/11
It's a mistake to let your happiness depend on someone else. It always is. It never works out and it ultimately ends up hurting you. Every time. Don't do it. Just don't.
I always tell myself this, and then I go and let my happiness depend on another person anyway. It's so stupid. All it's ever done for me is make me doubt every single thing I do, hate myself for every tiny mistake, hurt the people around me, and bottle up resentment and anger. I'm so sick of this. I just wish I could be good enough for SOMEONE.
I always tell myself this, and then I go and let my happiness depend on another person anyway. It's so stupid. All it's ever done for me is make me doubt every single thing I do, hate myself for every tiny mistake, hurt the people around me, and bottle up resentment and anger. I'm so sick of this. I just wish I could be good enough for SOMEONE.
10/20/11
Spread sunshine all over the place; just put on a happy face!
I've recently decided that I'm going to respond with a cheery smile and, "Wonderful!" every time someone asks me how I am. Even if I am not wonderful at all, if I act like it, for some reason it helps me feel a little bit better. And I've noticed that people tend to give me really genuine smiles in return, even if their "how are you?" was only half-hearted and disinterested.
I've also complimented people a lot lately. I don't force compliments at all, but I tend to look for the good in every person I see. There is something good to be said about every single person in this world. Even super-mega-ultra bitch monster Mrs. Zessin must have SOME good things about her. After all, she is married. She has lovely eyes, when they're not glaring at you.
When I notice all these good things about people, I just tell them. Without really thinking about what I'm saying, it just comes out. Even stuff that isn't really normal, like "Your eyes are a lovely color" or "I love how your hair is different every day; it's so pretty." I like complimenting people. And I like that it makes them happy.
My goal remains of wanting to be someone that can spread happiness to the people around them. These are little things, but they're a step. And I'm going to keep building on to these actions. Just add more and more little things. Helping someone out who has dropped something, looking out for the people around me a little more. The other day, Brooke (a.k.a. Cosette) was struggling to get her scooter into the door. At first it didn't occur to me that she might need help, and walked by. Then I realized I should help her, and so I did, and I was really glad I did. Just little things like that. And eventually, the little things might have a big impact. :)
I've also complimented people a lot lately. I don't force compliments at all, but I tend to look for the good in every person I see. There is something good to be said about every single person in this world. Even super-mega-ultra bitch monster Mrs. Zessin must have SOME good things about her. After all, she is married. She has lovely eyes, when they're not glaring at you.
When I notice all these good things about people, I just tell them. Without really thinking about what I'm saying, it just comes out. Even stuff that isn't really normal, like "Your eyes are a lovely color" or "I love how your hair is different every day; it's so pretty." I like complimenting people. And I like that it makes them happy.
My goal remains of wanting to be someone that can spread happiness to the people around them. These are little things, but they're a step. And I'm going to keep building on to these actions. Just add more and more little things. Helping someone out who has dropped something, looking out for the people around me a little more. The other day, Brooke (a.k.a. Cosette) was struggling to get her scooter into the door. At first it didn't occur to me that she might need help, and walked by. Then I realized I should help her, and so I did, and I was really glad I did. Just little things like that. And eventually, the little things might have a big impact. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)