I'm completely alone at a table of friends.

I  feel nothing for them. I feel nothing. Nothing.

It's a mistake to let your happiness depend on someone else. It always is. It never works out and it ultimately ends up hurting you. Every time. Don't do it. Just don't.

I always tell myself this, and then I go and let my happiness depend on another person anyway. It's so stupid. All it's ever done for me is make me doubt every single thing I do, hate myself for every tiny mistake, hurt the people around me, and bottle up resentment and anger. I'm so sick of this. I just wish I could be good enough for SOMEONE.

Spread sunshine all over the place; just put on a happy face!

I've recently decided that I'm going to respond with a cheery smile and, "Wonderful!" every time someone asks me how I am. Even if I am not wonderful at all, if I act like it, for some reason it helps me feel a little bit better. And I've noticed that people tend to give me really genuine smiles in return, even if their "how are you?" was only half-hearted and disinterested.
I've also complimented people a lot lately. I don't force compliments at all, but I tend to look for the good in every person I see. There is something good to be said about every single person in this world. Even super-mega-ultra bitch monster Mrs. Zessin must have SOME good things about her. After all, she is married. She has lovely eyes, when they're not glaring at you.
When I notice all these good things about people, I just tell them. Without really thinking about what I'm saying, it just comes out. Even stuff that isn't really normal, like "Your eyes are a lovely color" or "I love how your hair is different every day; it's so pretty." I like complimenting people. And I like that it makes them happy.
My goal remains of wanting to be someone that can spread happiness to the people around them. These are little things, but they're a step. And I'm going to keep building on to these actions. Just add more and more little things. Helping someone out who has dropped something, looking out for the people around me a little more. The other day, Brooke (a.k.a. Cosette) was struggling to get her scooter into the door. At first it didn't occur to me that she might need help, and walked by. Then I realized I should help her, and so I did, and I was really glad I did. Just little things like that. And eventually, the little things might have a big impact. :)

There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how.

I've been wanting to blog for awhile now. And there are a lot of things I want to blog about. But I just really don't know if I should say everything on a blog that I want to say. Is there any point in trying to clarify to someone, if it will only mean making everything worse? Why not just keep the information to yourself?

I guess all I will say about that is, I think I'm too hard on myself a lot of the time. And I tend to blame myself rather than take circumstances into account. And maybe this time, it isn't my fault.

So now the other thing I planned on blogging about.

Taylor, I think you're like, the only person who still reads this blog. Or one of the only people. Or maybe you've stopped reading it. I don't really know. But I know that you left a comment on my recent post, and mentioned a quote from my blog in one of your own blog entries. (I don't really know why you were quoting my blog to someone, but then again, I also don't really care either way.) Isn't it weird that we do that, though? We still read each other's blogs, even though we never actually talk to each other. We still like to know what's going on in the other person's life, and check in on one another. Maybe for you, it's one of those "keep your friends close but your enemies closer" type of things. But I think, for both of us, it's more of an "Even though I have no desire to be your friend, I don't want to cut you out of my life entirely" kind of thing. After all the stuff I went through last year, I realized that there was a lot I wanted to say to you. And there still is, so now I will say it.

I want to apologize for all the pain I put you through. I never knew, before last year, what it was like to lose all your friends. To feel alone. To put up a facade so that no one would know how alone you really felt, and drift through the day counting the minutes until you could get home and take the wall down. What it feels like for the people you love to just decide that they can't deal with you anymore, and that you are too flawed to deserve their love. Last year, I learned how that feels. And it absolutely sucks. And I hate the fact that I put you or anyone through that. So, I'm sorry. I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart.

And I'm sorry for ever making it seem like I thought you were a bad person. Or if I ever made you feel like you were. Because you aren't. You have flaws, of course, but so does everyone else. There are a lot of good things about you, too. You're funny and creative, and you can be very generous, kind, and caring when you want to be. You certainly don't deserve everything I put you through. You're a good person. And even if you WERE an awful person (which you aren't), it's not up to me to be the judge of that. Only God should judge others. Or karma or whatever you believe in. So I apologize for that as well.

I'm sorry for all the shit I put you through during our friendship, as well. I'm sorry for all the times I took you for granted. I'm sorry for all the times I left you behind. I'm sorry for all the times I got mad at you for no reason, and illogically decided I was annoyed at you. And I'm sorry for never appreciating the fact that you put up with all of it.

Which brings me to another point. THANK YOU for all of that. I've never said it before, but thank you so much. Thank you for always sticking by me throughout our friendship even though I had no qualms with abandoning you. You honestly forgave me way more than I deserved. So thank you so much for doing that for me.

And thank you for accepting me no matter what. Lord knows that you saw my bad side. We argued quite frequently. Because I was *comfortable* getting angry around you. Which is something I don't think I can really say about anyone else. Because I trusted you to accept me. And you always, always did. You stuck by me, loving and accepting me, "no matter how ugly my ugly side got"--a quote from the only other person in this world to have done that. Unconditional love is the greatest and most undervalued gift you can possibly give someone, and you gave it to me generously. And for that, I thank you.

And thank you for being there for me even now, even though we barely ever speak. Even after all this time and all that I put you through, I still know I can always count on you. And I appreciate that more than I can possibly express. The fact that you will still be there for me is truly amazing, and it really shows what a great person you really are. Not many people would be willing to do that to someone who had put them through as much as I put you through.

And thank you for all the great times we had during our friendship. You were my best friend for about six years and as much as we had bad times, we had amazing times too. Thank you for all of that.

And I'm really, really glad you're happy now. I'm so glad you found Nick and I hope that everything goes well for you guys. And I wish you luck with everything in your future. If you work hard I know you can do anything you put your mind to.

I'm so confused.

That is all.

Though spring, it did come slowly, I guess it did its part: my heart has thawed and continues to beat.

Here I am again, at the end of another school year. And I can't believe I made it through. Junior year was the hardest year of my life. Pretty much the entire thing was a struggle. At the beginning of the year, it was me struggling to keep up my "perfect girlfriend" act while inside I was crumbling from constant rejection, always telling myself that tomorrow would be better and being horrified when it always turned out to be worse. After that, I struggled to accept the fact that the only guy I had ever been in love with--the only guy I thought I ever would be in love with--would never, ever be with me. After it finally sunk in that he would never want me in the way I wanted him, I struggled with the fact that I still wanted him. For a long time, I tried so hard to cling on to something that just wasn't there anymore. And when I finally let him go, I looked around and realized I had lost everyone else. And then, I struggled with feelings of isolation and loneliness. There was no one there for me anymore; no one who understood or who even tried to make the effort to understand. I had pushed everyone away from me, and had no idea how to get them back. When they finally started very slowly returning, there was still more to struggle through: my own self-hatred. Throughout the year, I became someone I absolutely hated. Someone I never thought I would be; someone I never wanted to be; someone who was not even a ghost of the person I once had been--someone who was so much worse. Throughout all of this, I struggled to keep up in school. I struggled with the pressure to get ready for college. I spent a lot of the year struggling with my own will to live: at many points, the only thing keeping me alive was my fear of death. I reached the lowest point I've ever reached in my life, and felt more miserable than I even knew it was possible to feel. It was like I was struggling through a long, dark tunnel, reaching desperately for the light at the end. And for a long time, surrounded in darkness, I forgot that there would be an end. I lost all hope that things would ever get better; I had been depressed for so long that I couldn't imagine ever being happy again. I couldn't remember what it felt like to be happy. All I could remember or think or feel was sadness, and that was all I saw in the future, past, or present.


But I survived. Somehow, I went through a year that was pure hell--a year that tested me over and over in the harshest ways, a year that wore me down past the bone--and emerged from it a stronger person.






--Note: I wrote this post at the end of junior year. I was planning on continuing it later but I never did. So for now I'm publishing it until I decide if I ever want to finish it. -

You could write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect day.

Why must you always ruin things?!

Whenever you're gone, I'm always in a fantastic mood. I have such great days when you are not in them. And then you come, and make everything I do into something offensive, and it just ends up making me this irritable, frustrated person! And then the fact that I am irritable and frustrated makes me get down on myself, and that makes me depressed!

This morning was a fantastic morning! I was having a great day until you came! And then you made me feel like shit about myself as per usual, and now here I am insecure and irritable and upset again!

The reason I am so excited for college is to get away from you. Because then you won't be around to make me feel and seem like a horrible person all the time. And I'll be able to actually be happy for once in my life.

You wonder why I am always dissing on your personality? It's because you are always dissing on mine. You make EVERY SINGLE THING I DO seem mean or cold in some way! And very rarely do I ever intend it like that! You see me as this hypocritical, selfish, rude, irritable person, and you treat me like I am one, so when you do that I become one! Stop forcing me into the role of an antagonistic shrew and take a second to look at your own behavior. You're so egotistical that you can't even see your own flaws, and you can't bear to see them, but you're perfectly happy to point out flaws that half the time aren't even there in other people.

Please do us all a favor and move to Canada or something.