Wow. I'm actually done early.

How strange. I'm in photography and I actually finished an assignment early. I did not obsess over making everything perfect. I did not worry about my picture being the best I could do, and being the most creative thing in the class, like I usually would. I mean, I certainly put effort into it, but I didn't strive for exact perfection like I usually would.
I can't decide if that's a good thing or bad thing.
I mean, being a perfectionist with my art and creative things is what caused me to get so stressed in art last trimester. I'd take way longer than I should've, trying to make everything just perfect, trying to make everything the best. I would end up obsessing so much on one step that I'd fall behind and have to rush everything else. We all know that that caused me a ridiculous amount of stress. When I got really sick and had a crazy high fever, I wanted to go to school just for art class, because I thought if I missed a day I'd be screwed and would never get my project done. I cried when my mom made me stay home because I had a fever of 101. So many days I came to school sick specifically for art class, just so I could stay caught up.
At the same time, being a perfectionist was a good thing. It always pushed me to do my best. I truly gave every project my all. It helped me grow as an artist. Before I knew it, I started projecting the exact image in my head into real life, and giving it form. This is something very hard to do. And if I had more time to complete them, I know they would've been something I was truly proud of. My linoleum block and prints would've been amazing had I not felt rushed at the end, carved out the wrong part, and not had time to finish all my prints. My frog pot, despite all my doubts and stress and feeling sure it was going to look awful, would've turned out great if I had not had to rush on the paint job and ended up getting the wrong color paint in the wrong places.
Being early is a weird experience to me. I usually think more and try more and take longer than anyone else. It makes me feel like I did something wrong, even though I know that I like my ad, and people thought it was funny, and I put effort into it. But still, it's weird. I even finished my script for my commercial, which is considered "working ahead". Really I suppose I should be working on my math homework....
But, I'll have time in choir and I only have one problem to do and there is a computer here and not in choir. And no one here can help me on that problem anyway, which is what I need to complete it.... Heh.

Why is it that my blogs always have to be about sad things and serious things and stuff like that?

They don't. So now, I am going to do an entry that is not like that! Woooo.
I'm not really sure what I'm going to write about. I just know I'm sick of the sadness.
Because, as a wise ginger once said, being sad is a waste of time.

Something I am beginning to realize is that people leave you behind. They move on with their lives and lose contact with you. Even now, I know that so many awesome people I got close with this year are moving on. They're going on to college and into the real world. And, we probably won't stay in contact. I know that.
However, I'm not terribly upset about this. I mean, I'm sure I'll miss them sometimes. And having to lose people is always a bit sad. But what's important is that we will always be in each other's hearts. I have made so many amazing memories with these people, and had so much fun with them. And I know that even though we are going to split up and take different paths in life, growing farther and farther apart, I will always have those memories. Even when I'm 40 years old and don't talk to any of these people and only think of them in passing, I WILL think of them. When I think sophomore year,
I will think the roof of a parking garage.
I will think Bubble Island.
I will think Jamaican Me Crazy Wednesday.
I will think of the Meijer lounge.
I will think Insomnia Cookies.
I will think Jeremiah's car.
I will think Subway.
I will think Barnes and Noble.
I will think Pinball Pete's.
I will think of that one really extremely cold day where we all sprinted from Lee's van everywhere we went because it was too goddamn cold to be outside for more than 10 seconds.
I will think of the demon spawn of Hailey Van Buren and Dylan, and I will think of the first time Logan and Eddie got Chipotle and told us how amazing it was.
I will think of the first time I saw James smile, really smile, and how it seemed to light up the whole room.
I will think of the day there was an hour wait for laser tag on Gareth's birthday, so we went to the mall instead and sat at the tiny chairs in the food court, talking about how the tables were for Asian people (me and everyone else were on two totally separate pages XD), and getting yelled at by an Asian security guard.
I will think about being in Gamestop and finding out Michael Jackson was dead.
I will think of Alsatia and Jeremiah betting over who would win at Mario Kart, and it suddenly became a battle of the sexes, with all the girls cheering Alsatia on to fight for womankind and all the guys doing the same for Jeremiah (except, you know, with mankind).
I will think of ranting to Logan and Jeremiah after a disastrous shopping trip.
I will think of the first time Eddie looked through my iPod, and his eyes lit up.
I will think of Sir Chester Pinkerton III.
I will think of Logan, Jeremiah, and I rocking out to Motion City Soundtrack and other various music, singing at the top of our lungs.
I will think of the concert on November 13th.
I will think of that day everyone else went to formal and I hung out with Audrey, Gareth, Alsatia, and Josh.
I will think of walking all the way to Logan's house on an extremely zombie-apocalypse-esque night because goddamnit there was something we had to tell him no matter what, and then turning around literally 3 feet before we got to his driveway.
I will think of battles on the playground, chasing Gareth around with a Nerf sword.
I will think of those suspicious condom-pills that Audrey received under suspicious circumstances from a suspicious old woman.
I will think of late night AIM conversations.
I will think of Josh and Logan talking to each other about Paranormal Activity, and how amusing and awesome it was to watch them converse with each other.
I will think of the whole group playing Mario Kart at my house, rocking out to great music and having a blast.

I love all those memories. They are so precious to me, and always will be. The people in them will always be. They'll always be there in my heart, and I know I will always be there in theirs.
And even though I will never have times like that again, and even though we'll lose contact, I know that in the future there will be more new and exciting things to experience, new people to meet, and more fun to be had.

Logan, Jeremiah, Lee, Eddie, Gareth, Audrey, James. I got to spend one year with you guys. One short year. And yet, one amazing, extremely fun, hilarious, eye-opening year. In one year, you guys taught me so much. You showed me so much that I had never experienced before, and never would've without you. I owe you guys so much, but the beauty of it is I know that you guys don't see it that way. You were just being yourselves. So, thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for giving me a glimpse into your world; teaching me the fun that high school was really about. I love you guys, and no matter where we all go, no matter how far apart we become, that will always remain true.

(Hah, this is what happens when I try to do a random entry. It becomes serious anyway. But, this one wasn't sad, so my goal is achieved! :D)

Happy Mother's Day... or something.

It feels weird, you know. It's Mother's Day, and I hate my mother. Thank God she had to work today, because otherwise, it would all feel so insincere. It'd feel like a lie. I could barely even write "I love you" on the card I wrote for her. I had to opt for "I heart you", because I couldn't bring myself to say "I love you" to someone I don't love. When I say things like that, I mean it entirely. And as hard as I tried to dredge up love, I couldn't find it.

...That's right. I made my mom a card. As adamantly as I said I wouldn't, I did. The strange thing is, I don't know why. It's not like my dad forced me to, or like my mom would get really angry with me if I didn't.

I guess I just knew she'd feel upset if she didn't get at least something from one of us. Teddy took off and Kristyn's at school, packing up her stuff. They didn't make any time for her. No phone call, no card.

And as much as my mother hurts me, I don't want to hurt her. As much as she makes me feel like a disappointment, I don't want her to feel disappointed. As much pain as she makes me feel, I don't want her to feel pain. As much as my mother makes me feel rejected, I just want her to feel accepted. And to accept me. As much as I hate my mother and don't want to do anything for her, I want to do everything I can for her. Because she is my mother. And I am me.

And no matter how many times she strikes me with those hateful words, and injects that poison of rejection and self-loathing into my bloodstream, I will always want those things. As many times as we fight, and she says those things, I will forgive her. Not fully forgive her. Not ever. I can never trust her again. I will always be walking on eggshells with her. I will always have my guard up. But, I will keep crawling back and crawling back. As my heart mends I will forgive and forgive. Not forget, but I will forgive.
And I feel like that's stupid. I feel like the more I do this, the more I will get hurt. But I can't stop. It's like the idiot traveler from Fruits Basket. I will keep giving until I have nothing left. I will keep doing my best to please.
I know my efforts will go unappreciated. I know I won't get anything in return. I know that no matter what I do, my mother will still see me as a lazy, selfish, spoiled brat. But... I will always see her as my mom. Neurotic, eccentric, pathetic, short-tempered, prone to taking her problems out on others, and with a total disregard for for any point of view that isn't her own, yes. But still, my mom. The only one I've got. And as much bitterness and resentment and pain that I feel toward my mother, I will always be looking out for her. Because, in the end, that is family.

I could go anywhere with you, and I'd probably be happy.

Providence has been looking out for me this weekend, and for that I am grateful. As everyone knows, I was grounded this weekend. For no reason. But, things are much better than they could be. I have things to be grateful for. It is extremely serendipitous that the weekend that I have to be grounded is this one. Today was setbuilding, so I got to hang out with friends and have stimulating and fun conversation, as well as keep busy. Also, the weather has decided to be beautiful today, so I ended up soaking up the sun rollerblading and listening to music outside, laying in the sun. It was great. And I didn't need a coat to be comfortable; I was perfectly fine with a sweater, which was amazing.

If you look at it, things could've been a lot worse. There could've been no setbuilding, and the weather could've been much worse. That means I would have no contact with friends for 2 entire days, and be cooped up in the house with only my parents for company. Instead I got to have fun and see friends, as well as enjoy some great weather. Really I feel like fate is watching out for me, which is nice.

Of course, that does not mean everything is wonderful. In the end, I discovered that I can be cheerful and smile again. I can laugh and have fun and enjoy others' company. I can have polite conversation with my mother without breaking out in tears. But that doesn't mean everything is better.
Her words still weigh on my heart. They're still there. She said them, and nothing she could say or do could take them back. People tell me that it's just because she was angry at the time, but I honestly do think that is how she feels. There is some grain of truth in every angry statement. And... feeling like a disappointment. Feeling unloved. It hurts a lot. And it's something that sticks with you. The poison has spread through my blood stream, and it's too late to get it out now. I think that it is something that will always stay with me, in the back of my mind, and weigh me down a little bit.
I don't know. Something just seems to have broken. I can't find any love for my mother in my heart. All I can find is bitterness and resentment. No vestiges of fondness remain. And I'm honestly not sure that that will ever change. Now that it's happened, I can't just go back. I can't just forget. That's not how life works.
And that kind of sucks, you know. Thinking you had 2 loving parents, that you loved your family, and then having everything changed. I don't know. I guess I kind of somehow thought that family love was invincible. There is evidence to the contrary all around me, but I thought that if it existed it couldn't be taken away. But in the end, all family is are separate, different people that you happen to live with. And if you can lose love for people, stop loving them, it makes sense that you can lose love for family members. I guess it just never really occured to me until now that that could happen. So it's a big shock. It hurts, and it feels unnatural. But I can't change it. And so, I will learn to live with it.

I have so much love in my life. I have so many friends that will always be there when I need them. I have a guy in my life that I have extremely strong feelings for and who, by some miracle, feels the same about me. I have siblings that I share a bond with, no matter how far away they go or how long they're gone. I have a deep love for all these people, and I receive so much love from all of them in return. For that reason, I can continue to smile. I can continue to laugh. I can continue to be happy. For that reason, I will hold my head high, and I will walk on.

I just... don't have the energy anymore.
For anything.
I can't smile. I can barely hold my head high as I walk. All I want to do is cry and sleep.

It's not even the punishment. One weekend of being unable to hang out with friends, except for setbuilding. It's not that bad. I can handle it.
But it's the fact that there's no reason for me to be punished.
It's the fact that this is exactly the time when I need to be surrounded by friends.
It's the fact that I have to spend so much time in the same house as my mother.

I'm not even angry anymore. So what, my mom decided to punish me for no reason. Got mad over stupid things. I can handle that. I can get over it. What I can't handle is the stuff she said yesterday.

Even before I entered the house, she was yelling. I was scared, so I'd hesitated outside the door. And she said, "Get in here right now or I'll kill you! I'm not going to put up with your shit anymore!"

I didn't even try to speak. I just walked inside. She grabbed my arm roughly and threw me on the couch. She said, "You sit your ass down right there, and don't move!" I went obediently. Stripped of my dignity. Subservient. I sat as still as I could, looking at the floor, trying not to make a sound.

She didn't give me space. She made me look at her as she yelled. She told me I'm a brat. I'm disrespectful. I'm spoiled. I'm lazy. She told me I think I can do whatever I want, go wherever I want, but I can't. I tried to explain my reasoning for all the things I did that day. I didn't think I'd done anything wrong. In my head, it was what had seemed logical. I wasn't trying to disobey or exert my own authority. I left the house that day because I didn't think she wanted people around when she wasn't feeling well.
She wouldn't listen. She called me a liar. Told me to stop making up "fairy tales". Maybe I am a brat. Maybe I am spoiled. Maybe I am lazy. But if there is one thing I'm not, I'm not a liar. I'm not a liar.
I told her that. She didn't believe me. She told me I was causing her a lot of stress and pain. That it was my fault. That wasn't what I meant to do. I was trying to help. But no. All I can do as a child is cause my parents pain.
Eventually, she might have started believing me.
I told her, "Mom, please. I'm not trying to do that. That was just my sense of reasoning!"
"Your sense of reasoning is flawed. You have no common sense. You think you are in charge? You're not. You always lose everything, you have no common sense, and you always do things to go against me. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I raised you wrong."
...She raised me wrong. The sentence no child wants to hear. She raised me wrong. She made a mistake. I'm a disappointment.

Somewhere in there, I started to cry. I couldn't help myself. I tried to hold it in, but I couldn't. I couldn't move, I couldn't think, I could just cry. My mother's words rang through my head, and I sobbed harder. She told me to stop being such a baby. Stop being so overly dramatic. She thought I was trying to make her feel guilty. But, I wasn't. I just couldn't help myself. I just fell to the ground and cried. It was all I could do.
It was all I did. I somehow managed to drag myself to my bed, after awhile. And that's what I did. I lay down in bed, and I cried. Her words were on endless repeat. Her angry screams, the face she made, like I was disgusting. It reeled under my eyes. And it poured out in the form of saltwater. I cried until I fell asleep. And I slept. I could've slept forever. But, at 9, my mom woke me up. Reiterated how I needed to stop being so spoiled and disobedient. Told me that I was not allowed to go anywhere this weekend. See anyone. I could go to setbuilding, but that was it. My dad had somehow reduced the month into a weekend. And I was thankful for that. Before she had started yelling earlier that day, my sentence being reduced to a weekend would've fixed everything. I would've been able to let the whole thing go. But, somehow, it didn't fix everything. It didn't fix anything. She had still said all those things. And once I was awake, they again rang in my ears. The poisonous words spread down into my heart and infected my whole blood stream. I feel bad all over. The poison drains my energy. I try to force on a smile for everyone in school, but I can't.
After she left, I tried to cry some more. Inside, I was screaming. But the tears wouldn't come out. So I just curled up into a tight ball, and waited again for the silence of sleep to take me. I drowned in my negative thoughts. I felt regret for what I had put my friends through. I felt sorrow at being a disappointment. I tried to dredge up some love for my mother, tried to find it somewhere in there. But, I couldn't. Those thoughts haunted me for the next couple of hours, until sleep finally again overtook me. And I slept until the morning.
This morning, I told myself I wouldn't let it get to me. I told myself I'd have a good day. I told myself I'd smile, be cheerful, put the events of yesterday in the back of my mind.
But the trouble is, they aren't just in my mind. They're in my heart. I'm sitting here in the library, close to tears. My emotions are twisting my stomach, and my heart feels like it's trying to beat under big heavy chains. I feel like I'm going to be sick. I'm trying not to think about it. I'm trying not to let it get to me. But it is. And I don't know what I can do to fix it. If I try talking to my mom about it, she'll just yell again. She'll just think I'm trying to make her feel bad, and stress her out. I'll get less time with friends.

Not that my friends will want me around much longer anymore, if I can't shake this off. I realized, somewhere along the line, that I have a deep fear that if I am sad for too long, if I show too much of it, if I can't smile and be cheerful all the time, I'll be abandoned. I've had this fear ever since 6th grade. I don't know why, but I do. I feel so bad that I can't smile, that I can't be happy, that I can't be interesting. I don't want to be a burden. But I am. To everyone.

I... I just don't... know what to do anymore. There's nothing I can do anymore.

Your brain can't keep up with your beak.

I'm doing a blog entry, because I decided the time was ripe for a blog entry.

I love how your blog is titled "Remind me again why I created a blog". You know who you are. XD

Recently I have been reinstating balance into my life. Having friends that do not really like each other, try to avoid each other, and act differently in each other's presence is a little difficult, but I am getting used to it. After all, the weekend IS made up of three days. One day for old friends, one day for new, and one day for me. And although sometimes it's frustrating having friends that don't always get along, I love all my friends dearly and am so grateful to have them that I don't mind having to compromise sometimes. And getting balance back in my life has been really great for me. I have found myself again, and started liking myself again. All the stress, loneliness, self-loathing, and sadness that I'd been feeling recently has been gone for the past few weeks. I have getting the balance back in my life to thank for that. And for a lot of great times with people I love. ^-^

A few weeks ago, I had an epiphany. Several, actually. I feel like this year, I have been discovering a shit ton about myself, the world, and my life. Ah! That's it! 2010 is the year of discovery.
:)

One major discovery I have made is that there are a few people in this world I cannot live without. And, I can make it through anything as long as I have them. And do you know what the great thing is? I have recently realized, that nothing can ever tear us apart. We belong together, all of us. And things may change, and we may have to separate physically, but we will ALWAYS be in each other's hearts and thoughts. We will always love each other and be there for each other. And really, that is all I need to be happy in life.

Of course, even life must come to an end. Everything that lives must die. But I have recently gained a new perspective on death. Suddenly, I've become aware that death is not the ending everyone makes it out to be. It is just the beginning; the start of a new adventure. I used to fear and dread death to a great degree. But now, I don't. Of course, I'm not at all ready for it--I have so much to do, so many people to love who are going to be alive for a long time to come, so many things of this realm I have not experienced. But I also feel that when the time comes that I have to be taken from this Earth, my spirit's journey will not be over. I do not know what will happen to it. Maybe there is God, maybe it will be reincarnated, maybe it will wander. But there are countless adventures awaiting me after death.

And another thing. Love... love is really powerful. Love is really all you need. No matter what happens in the future, as long as my life is filled with love, I will be able to find happiness. Some days may be darker than others, and sometimes I may have to dig to find it. But as long as I am with people I love, it can be found. Especially if I am with the one person I love most.

Believe it or not, I have made even more discoveries than that. However, those are really the only ones I feel like writing about right now, so there you go.

Today, Taylor, Josh, and I hung out at Taylor's house. It was so nice; a feeling of contentment and peace stole over me while I was with them. We watched old videos, and it was very nostalgic.... We were all so little. I think Taylor and Josh were more different than me, compared to now. Josh was the most different, of course. Haha.
At one point, I was laying down in her bed, and I found myself suddenly quite sleepy. I cuddled up and started to just listen, eyes closed. And I realized that I find the sound of their voices extremely comforting. The tones and nuances of their speech were like a lullaby, and hearing their voices brought to me a great sense of security and happiness. I probably could've slept right there, had I not found the conversation so interesting. The time went by too fast, and I found I was shocked when I looked at the clock and it read that it was already 10.
It's not like we did anything particularly exciting. We watched old videos, read scripts, and talked. But somehow, that was enough. Without any effort, it somehow made itself equal to the great times I've had running around, out and about, doing exciting things and trying new experiences.
Although I will admit, that night with the aliens, fingercuffs, and parking garage will always be a very tough one to beat. XD

It's 1:23 am, make a wish. I wish for a pony!

I just want everyone who reads this to know that I love them. I have been feeling so grateful for my friends lately. I have such a large list of people who are there for me, people I love, people I have so much fun with. I am so, so blessed to have this. And I want everyone to know that I realize this. And I appreciate them.

To all the new friends I have made, or become much closer to this year: Alsatia, Marcus, Huei Ming, Micaela, Gareth, Audrey, Jeremiah, James, Logan, Eddie Dean.... I am so grateful that all these people have come into my life. We may not have known each other long, but I know that they have changed my life for the better. It is strange that these people have only been in my life for about a year, because I love them all so much. I didn't know what I was missing, but it was a lot. Providence was looking out for me when it brought them into my life. Each of these people have left their mark on my heart and I know I will never forget them.

To the friends who have stuck around with me a couple years: Emma, Kayla Martin, Lee.... I love all of you guys. We may have our occasional problems, but I know that if I really need something I can count on any one of you. I've been through a lot with all of you. Getting to know all of you was such a great adventure, and I know that there has been some point with each one of you that I opened myself up to you entirely, and you opened your hidden selves up to me. I have a lot of great memories with you guys, and I hope that we will get to keep building more and piling them on. The memories we've made will always hold a special place in my heart. Thank you so much for everything.

And then, there are those people who have been with me through the sweet simplicity of elementary school, the awkward stages of growth that middle school encompass, and the sprouting of wings called high school: Taylor and Josh. They have been with me through so much. I don't think I can really express my love for them, or how much they mean to me. Since 3rd grade, I have had memories with these guys. And there were times when we all drifted apart from each other and didn't really talk that much for long periods of time; entire years, even. But somehow, we became us. We have had so many memories together, good and bad, horrible and amazing. We've seen each other grow and mature so much that it is unbelievable. We've been with each other through the awkwardness that is puberty, watching each other spring from a child's body into an adult's. We have been with each other through phases of extreme craziness and weirdness. We all have experienced extremely embarassing stuff together, and have opened ourselves up to each other entirely. When it comes down to it, I trust them with my life. These guys witnessed me at my lowest, those hard years of depression. In the same manner, they have seen me at the best times in my life. They are responsible for the vast majority of them. Without these kids, I have no idea where I would be right now. They helped me learn to love myself again, learn to trust others again, been there for me when no one else seemed to be, took a spirit still mending from a shatter and making it whole again. What's great is that they didn't even know that they did it. They were just being themselves. We are always making each other better people; we always love each other and help each other love ourselves; we are always there for each other. I have countless memories and joyful times with these guys, and we are always building more together. I love them so much, and they are such amazing people. Honestly, I could probably go on for hours, but I'll spare you by ending it here.

...Hmm. That truly was not a premeditated thing, it just kind of happened. But I'm glad I did it. I mean every word of it, you guys. I cannot exrpress the gratitude that I have all of you guys in my life in words, and this attempt is a mere shadow of how I feel about all of you.

...Well, I need to go to bed now.

Ja ne.

So...

Today, I was doing my quote list.
And I realized that there are so many good quotes by specific groups/people, that I want to put them in more than one entry.
And so, here is what I am going to do:
-Bright Eyes quotes entry
-Dr Seuss quotes entry
-Fruits Basket quotes entry
-Miscellaneous quotes entry

So, I will be starting that sometime soon. But, it's 5:07 and I have to get ready for play practice now.

Ja ne.