Hi Joseph.

This is a letter to you that I thought about hand-writing, but then I realized that writing things by hand is too much effort and I'm probably never going to give this to you and I don't really want my parents stumbling across it.

I love you so, so much. Just so you know.

Right now I'm thinking about how terrible I am for you. For anyone. I don't think my depression is going to get better. I'm afraid it's just a part of me. I don't want to live with this forever, but I don't know if I have a choice.

And it means that you or anyone I would ever be with puts up with so much. I text you at least once a week needing you because I'm feeling lonely or suicidal or like I want to self-harm. And you always have to comfort me. And I don't think you think it's a burden anymore--I don't know if you do--but I feel like you'd be better off without it.

I've been reading suicide notes and thinking about what I would write to you in one. You recently said that being with me is worth any pain. But sometimes I wonder if it's justifiable for you to have to put up with so much because of me. I don't know what I do for you. I just think you shouldn't have to deal with this my whole life, however long that may be.

I think I'd want you to know how much I love you, and how special you are. I know  you don't see it in yourself, but you are so, so special. I know I'm biased, but you're one of the most amazing people I've ever met.

I hope if anything ever happens to me you'll know it's not your fault. My life would suck so much more without you.

I think you're so cute. How you look when you're sleeping, with a slight little frown and your mouth open just a little bit. When you dance to that one song I hated. When you have that look on your face that means you're focusing really hard.

You're funny even when you're doing stupid stuff, like eating things that are of questionable sanitation. But I don't regret not letting you eat that chicken.

I kinda wish I could hold you and play with you and be with you every day for the rest of my life. And you kinda wish that about me, which is cool. I know it won't really happen though. Life isn't kind enough to allow that to happen. Something will go wrong, whether we end up moving to different places, or you just get tired of me. But I'm so grateful for the time we've had.

Do you think if I died you'd come back and read my blog, like you did before? Would you leave comments I'd never be able to read? I think that's the only thing I'd be disappointed about. Not being able to read those comments. Dead people can't be disappointed, but I'd be real disappointed in the moments before. Maybe I'll keep staying alive so I can read your dumb comments for a little while longer.

Letters to Pogverse Joe: 2

Hi Pogverse Joe.

Tonight, I'm thinking about you. I'm also thinking about Pogverse Rachel. I was planning on going through old messages today, because I like to visit you when Proper Joe isn't with me. I was thinking about who we were back then and where the world was and if we could imagine any of it happening now.

We used to communicate for hours on Facebook like all the time. Now we talk sometimes about politics, but because we don't talk as much, I wonder what Pogverse Us would say about what's going on in the world right now.
I don't think Pogverse Us even imagined the nation could get like this. We were blessed. We had our boy Obama protecting us. I remember how proud I was to be able to first witness Obama become president, and then to be able to vote for him in the 2012 election. I will always be very happy that he was the first president I voted for.
You pretend to love Obama as much as I love Obama, but you don't. YOU JUST DON'T. You will never understand what he and I have.

I'm thinking I might write to you more. Just whenever I'm thinking about you. I love you, you know? I love Proper Joe and Pogverse Joe. You might be a little easier to talk to. I think Pogverse Rachel and Joe loved each other exactly the same amount. And that was a cool thing.

Can I tell you something I'm too scared to tell Proper Joe? (Of course I can, I'm not really talking to you, just thinking about you.)

The thing I'm too scared to tell him is that I'm in love with him. I was in love with you, too, Pogverse Joe, and we both knew it but I couldn't say it. It didn't need to be said, then. Maybe I've been in love with you since that night when we ran around together on top of the Red Cedar. That might've been the moment I fell in love with you.

Anyway, I wish Proper Joe felt the same way that you felt about me, Pogverse Joe. Then the end of the year wouldn't be so scary. I think if he still felt that way about me, it might maybe be okay if I followed him wherever he ends up. I think he might maybe be okay with that. Maybe it'd still have terrified the shit out of you, Pogverse Joe, but maybe it would've made you happy.

Proper Joe just told me that you guys didn't vote for Obama. AND YOU PRETENDED TO LOVE HIM LIKE I DID. LIES! LIES AND DECEIT.

I want to mention yesterday, because it was a good moment and I want to be able to look back on it whenever I read this. We had just got done having the best sex we'd ever had (congratulations Pogverse Joe, you do eventually lose your virginity), and then after some cuddles and chats Proper Joe fell asleep next to me. And man, you're beautiful. You're so, so beautiful. People should look ugly and stupid when they're asleep, that's just the rules, but you just looked beautiful. And so cute. I wanted to save that moment, and how I felt in that moment, forever. I wish I could have that moment over and over again for forever. But I know we're a fleeting thing, you and I. Because you'll never love me again like you did then. You'll never love me back as much as I love you now. It's okay. I'm glad you're giving me the time you're giving me. I haven't felt so in love with someone in a long time. So thank you. I love my Joe so much. :)