Providence has been looking out for me this weekend, and for that I am grateful. As everyone knows, I was grounded this weekend. For no reason. But, things are much better than they could be. I have things to be grateful for. It is extremely serendipitous that the weekend that I have to be grounded is this one. Today was setbuilding, so I got to hang out with friends and have stimulating and fun conversation, as well as keep busy. Also, the weather has decided to be beautiful today, so I ended up soaking up the sun rollerblading and listening to music outside, laying in the sun. It was great. And I didn't need a coat to be comfortable; I was perfectly fine with a sweater, which was amazing.
If you look at it, things could've been a lot worse. There could've been no setbuilding, and the weather could've been much worse. That means I would have no contact with friends for 2 entire days, and be cooped up in the house with only my parents for company. Instead I got to have fun and see friends, as well as enjoy some great weather. Really I feel like fate is watching out for me, which is nice.
Of course, that does not mean everything is wonderful. In the end, I discovered that I can be cheerful and smile again. I can laugh and have fun and enjoy others' company. I can have polite conversation with my mother without breaking out in tears. But that doesn't mean everything is better.
Her words still weigh on my heart. They're still there. She said them, and nothing she could say or do could take them back. People tell me that it's just because she was angry at the time, but I honestly do think that is how she feels. There is some grain of truth in every angry statement. And... feeling like a disappointment. Feeling unloved. It hurts a lot. And it's something that sticks with you. The poison has spread through my blood stream, and it's too late to get it out now. I think that it is something that will always stay with me, in the back of my mind, and weigh me down a little bit.
I don't know. Something just seems to have broken. I can't find any love for my mother in my heart. All I can find is bitterness and resentment. No vestiges of fondness remain. And I'm honestly not sure that that will ever change. Now that it's happened, I can't just go back. I can't just forget. That's not how life works.
And that kind of sucks, you know. Thinking you had 2 loving parents, that you loved your family, and then having everything changed. I don't know. I guess I kind of somehow thought that family love was invincible. There is evidence to the contrary all around me, but I thought that if it existed it couldn't be taken away. But in the end, all family is are separate, different people that you happen to live with. And if you can lose love for people, stop loving them, it makes sense that you can lose love for family members. I guess it just never really occured to me until now that that could happen. So it's a big shock. It hurts, and it feels unnatural. But I can't change it. And so, I will learn to live with it.
I have so much love in my life. I have so many friends that will always be there when I need them. I have a guy in my life that I have extremely strong feelings for and who, by some miracle, feels the same about me. I have siblings that I share a bond with, no matter how far away they go or how long they're gone. I have a deep love for all these people, and I receive so much love from all of them in return. For that reason, I can continue to smile. I can continue to laugh. I can continue to be happy. For that reason, I will hold my head high, and I will walk on.
3/5/10
I just... don't have the energy anymore.
For anything.
I can't smile. I can barely hold my head high as I walk. All I want to do is cry and sleep.
It's not even the punishment. One weekend of being unable to hang out with friends, except for setbuilding. It's not that bad. I can handle it.
But it's the fact that there's no reason for me to be punished.
It's the fact that this is exactly the time when I need to be surrounded by friends.
It's the fact that I have to spend so much time in the same house as my mother.
I'm not even angry anymore. So what, my mom decided to punish me for no reason. Got mad over stupid things. I can handle that. I can get over it. What I can't handle is the stuff she said yesterday.
Even before I entered the house, she was yelling. I was scared, so I'd hesitated outside the door. And she said, "Get in here right now or I'll kill you! I'm not going to put up with your shit anymore!"
I didn't even try to speak. I just walked inside. She grabbed my arm roughly and threw me on the couch. She said, "You sit your ass down right there, and don't move!" I went obediently. Stripped of my dignity. Subservient. I sat as still as I could, looking at the floor, trying not to make a sound.
She didn't give me space. She made me look at her as she yelled. She told me I'm a brat. I'm disrespectful. I'm spoiled. I'm lazy. She told me I think I can do whatever I want, go wherever I want, but I can't. I tried to explain my reasoning for all the things I did that day. I didn't think I'd done anything wrong. In my head, it was what had seemed logical. I wasn't trying to disobey or exert my own authority. I left the house that day because I didn't think she wanted people around when she wasn't feeling well.
She wouldn't listen. She called me a liar. Told me to stop making up "fairy tales". Maybe I am a brat. Maybe I am spoiled. Maybe I am lazy. But if there is one thing I'm not, I'm not a liar. I'm not a liar.
I told her that. She didn't believe me. She told me I was causing her a lot of stress and pain. That it was my fault. That wasn't what I meant to do. I was trying to help. But no. All I can do as a child is cause my parents pain.
Eventually, she might have started believing me.
I told her, "Mom, please. I'm not trying to do that. That was just my sense of reasoning!"
"Your sense of reasoning is flawed. You have no common sense. You think you are in charge? You're not. You always lose everything, you have no common sense, and you always do things to go against me. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I raised you wrong."
...She raised me wrong. The sentence no child wants to hear. She raised me wrong. She made a mistake. I'm a disappointment.
Somewhere in there, I started to cry. I couldn't help myself. I tried to hold it in, but I couldn't. I couldn't move, I couldn't think, I could just cry. My mother's words rang through my head, and I sobbed harder. She told me to stop being such a baby. Stop being so overly dramatic. She thought I was trying to make her feel guilty. But, I wasn't. I just couldn't help myself. I just fell to the ground and cried. It was all I could do.
It was all I did. I somehow managed to drag myself to my bed, after awhile. And that's what I did. I lay down in bed, and I cried. Her words were on endless repeat. Her angry screams, the face she made, like I was disgusting. It reeled under my eyes. And it poured out in the form of saltwater. I cried until I fell asleep. And I slept. I could've slept forever. But, at 9, my mom woke me up. Reiterated how I needed to stop being so spoiled and disobedient. Told me that I was not allowed to go anywhere this weekend. See anyone. I could go to setbuilding, but that was it. My dad had somehow reduced the month into a weekend. And I was thankful for that. Before she had started yelling earlier that day, my sentence being reduced to a weekend would've fixed everything. I would've been able to let the whole thing go. But, somehow, it didn't fix everything. It didn't fix anything. She had still said all those things. And once I was awake, they again rang in my ears. The poisonous words spread down into my heart and infected my whole blood stream. I feel bad all over. The poison drains my energy. I try to force on a smile for everyone in school, but I can't.
After she left, I tried to cry some more. Inside, I was screaming. But the tears wouldn't come out. So I just curled up into a tight ball, and waited again for the silence of sleep to take me. I drowned in my negative thoughts. I felt regret for what I had put my friends through. I felt sorrow at being a disappointment. I tried to dredge up some love for my mother, tried to find it somewhere in there. But, I couldn't. Those thoughts haunted me for the next couple of hours, until sleep finally again overtook me. And I slept until the morning.
This morning, I told myself I wouldn't let it get to me. I told myself I'd have a good day. I told myself I'd smile, be cheerful, put the events of yesterday in the back of my mind.
But the trouble is, they aren't just in my mind. They're in my heart. I'm sitting here in the library, close to tears. My emotions are twisting my stomach, and my heart feels like it's trying to beat under big heavy chains. I feel like I'm going to be sick. I'm trying not to think about it. I'm trying not to let it get to me. But it is. And I don't know what I can do to fix it. If I try talking to my mom about it, she'll just yell again. She'll just think I'm trying to make her feel bad, and stress her out. I'll get less time with friends.
Not that my friends will want me around much longer anymore, if I can't shake this off. I realized, somewhere along the line, that I have a deep fear that if I am sad for too long, if I show too much of it, if I can't smile and be cheerful all the time, I'll be abandoned. I've had this fear ever since 6th grade. I don't know why, but I do. I feel so bad that I can't smile, that I can't be happy, that I can't be interesting. I don't want to be a burden. But I am. To everyone.
I... I just don't... know what to do anymore. There's nothing I can do anymore.
For anything.
I can't smile. I can barely hold my head high as I walk. All I want to do is cry and sleep.
It's not even the punishment. One weekend of being unable to hang out with friends, except for setbuilding. It's not that bad. I can handle it.
But it's the fact that there's no reason for me to be punished.
It's the fact that this is exactly the time when I need to be surrounded by friends.
It's the fact that I have to spend so much time in the same house as my mother.
I'm not even angry anymore. So what, my mom decided to punish me for no reason. Got mad over stupid things. I can handle that. I can get over it. What I can't handle is the stuff she said yesterday.
Even before I entered the house, she was yelling. I was scared, so I'd hesitated outside the door. And she said, "Get in here right now or I'll kill you! I'm not going to put up with your shit anymore!"
I didn't even try to speak. I just walked inside. She grabbed my arm roughly and threw me on the couch. She said, "You sit your ass down right there, and don't move!" I went obediently. Stripped of my dignity. Subservient. I sat as still as I could, looking at the floor, trying not to make a sound.
She didn't give me space. She made me look at her as she yelled. She told me I'm a brat. I'm disrespectful. I'm spoiled. I'm lazy. She told me I think I can do whatever I want, go wherever I want, but I can't. I tried to explain my reasoning for all the things I did that day. I didn't think I'd done anything wrong. In my head, it was what had seemed logical. I wasn't trying to disobey or exert my own authority. I left the house that day because I didn't think she wanted people around when she wasn't feeling well.
She wouldn't listen. She called me a liar. Told me to stop making up "fairy tales". Maybe I am a brat. Maybe I am spoiled. Maybe I am lazy. But if there is one thing I'm not, I'm not a liar. I'm not a liar.
I told her that. She didn't believe me. She told me I was causing her a lot of stress and pain. That it was my fault. That wasn't what I meant to do. I was trying to help. But no. All I can do as a child is cause my parents pain.
Eventually, she might have started believing me.
I told her, "Mom, please. I'm not trying to do that. That was just my sense of reasoning!"
"Your sense of reasoning is flawed. You have no common sense. You think you are in charge? You're not. You always lose everything, you have no common sense, and you always do things to go against me. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I raised you wrong."
...She raised me wrong. The sentence no child wants to hear. She raised me wrong. She made a mistake. I'm a disappointment.
Somewhere in there, I started to cry. I couldn't help myself. I tried to hold it in, but I couldn't. I couldn't move, I couldn't think, I could just cry. My mother's words rang through my head, and I sobbed harder. She told me to stop being such a baby. Stop being so overly dramatic. She thought I was trying to make her feel guilty. But, I wasn't. I just couldn't help myself. I just fell to the ground and cried. It was all I could do.
It was all I did. I somehow managed to drag myself to my bed, after awhile. And that's what I did. I lay down in bed, and I cried. Her words were on endless repeat. Her angry screams, the face she made, like I was disgusting. It reeled under my eyes. And it poured out in the form of saltwater. I cried until I fell asleep. And I slept. I could've slept forever. But, at 9, my mom woke me up. Reiterated how I needed to stop being so spoiled and disobedient. Told me that I was not allowed to go anywhere this weekend. See anyone. I could go to setbuilding, but that was it. My dad had somehow reduced the month into a weekend. And I was thankful for that. Before she had started yelling earlier that day, my sentence being reduced to a weekend would've fixed everything. I would've been able to let the whole thing go. But, somehow, it didn't fix everything. It didn't fix anything. She had still said all those things. And once I was awake, they again rang in my ears. The poisonous words spread down into my heart and infected my whole blood stream. I feel bad all over. The poison drains my energy. I try to force on a smile for everyone in school, but I can't.
After she left, I tried to cry some more. Inside, I was screaming. But the tears wouldn't come out. So I just curled up into a tight ball, and waited again for the silence of sleep to take me. I drowned in my negative thoughts. I felt regret for what I had put my friends through. I felt sorrow at being a disappointment. I tried to dredge up some love for my mother, tried to find it somewhere in there. But, I couldn't. Those thoughts haunted me for the next couple of hours, until sleep finally again overtook me. And I slept until the morning.
This morning, I told myself I wouldn't let it get to me. I told myself I'd have a good day. I told myself I'd smile, be cheerful, put the events of yesterday in the back of my mind.
But the trouble is, they aren't just in my mind. They're in my heart. I'm sitting here in the library, close to tears. My emotions are twisting my stomach, and my heart feels like it's trying to beat under big heavy chains. I feel like I'm going to be sick. I'm trying not to think about it. I'm trying not to let it get to me. But it is. And I don't know what I can do to fix it. If I try talking to my mom about it, she'll just yell again. She'll just think I'm trying to make her feel bad, and stress her out. I'll get less time with friends.
Not that my friends will want me around much longer anymore, if I can't shake this off. I realized, somewhere along the line, that I have a deep fear that if I am sad for too long, if I show too much of it, if I can't smile and be cheerful all the time, I'll be abandoned. I've had this fear ever since 6th grade. I don't know why, but I do. I feel so bad that I can't smile, that I can't be happy, that I can't be interesting. I don't want to be a burden. But I am. To everyone.
I... I just don't... know what to do anymore. There's nothing I can do anymore.
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